Elevator bollocks

These new stickers appeared in the lifts in my apartment building this week . They have the word Meld at the top. Naturally your thoughts immediately line danced to the Vulcan Mind Meld and Spock. But the words underneath quickly point you in another direction. Straight down.
Meld is the Mitsubishi Emergency Lift landing device.
I think maybe the sign is meant to reassure people the in the unlikely event of a malfunction the lift will land safely. But it had the oppisite effect on me.
I understand air bags. Cars have prangs and in that situation, an airbag is better than no air bag. But lifts aren’t supposed to plunge to the ground floor are they? Except in the movies?
Why the need to install emergency landing devices in lifts in a building that is one year old? And why wait one year?
What exactly is, an emergency landing device in a lift? Will oxygen masks drop from the ceiling? Even if the lifts craps out on the top floor I don’t think I could get a mask on and then my child’s before it hits the bottom.
Maybe the emergency landing device is just a really big spring. That would work wouldn’t it?
But then you could have a sign saying 'This lift is fitted with an Emergency Lift Landing Spring.' But you would probably use the word device because it sound more high tech. Thing is, you just don’t hear about lifts failing and crashing do you? So why the sudden need to comfort people? Is it a sign of things to come? Is the pressure to keep construction costs down resulting in cheaper more dangerous lifts? Has some bean counter worked out it is more cost effective to install a crappy lift with a safety landing device, than a proper lift that doesn’t need one? Maybe start seeing signs in the foyers of buildings that’s read ‘RELAX. WE’VE HAD __ DAYS WITHOUT AN ELEVATOR FATALITY

Space Fridge

They say the modern fridge has more computing power than Apollo 11 did when it took man to the moon.
That got me thinking. Why does the search for other life forms have to be so serious? Why do we have to send out probes with mathematical codes and diagrams of a man and a woman etched into gold plates? Why can’t we have a bit of fun? Why not make a good first impression with good old-fashioned humor.
So here’s the plan. We know a fridge has the computer power to get into space, so lets send one. Or even better, lets sends thousands.
Lets fill with a selection of yummiest food items that require refrigeration, and then launch then into the space in different directions.
Imagine the delight when one of our fridges lands on a planet with intelligent life?
After all the boring high tech probes they would have received over the years a box full of chilly snack would be a real hit. They wont know what.
Nothing says ‘We come in peace’ like a fridge full of food. A gastronomic gidday from man.
There would have to be a bit of planning. We’d have to watch the expiry dates on the stuff we load. Could be a long trip. And a selection of low fat items would be advisable. Think about it. You never see chubby aliens. Those grays with the big eyes look like they watch their weight.

Rambo rambling

Saw Rambo 4 in the weekend and I was a little disappointed. A high body count doesn’t automatically make it a great film and this had a record 290 something. Apparently though it has done well at the box office and Rambo is gonna be back for part 5.
Hats off to Sly. 60 and still doing it on the big screen, even it is with the help of Planet Hollywood sized servings of human growth hormone.
To be a Hollywood heavy weight, a true mega star, you gotta have a franchise. Arnie had Terminator, Bruce Willis had Die Hard, Mel had lethal Weapon, Sly had Rocky and Rambo. What a legend.
Sly’s secret was taking roles where he got to show his biceps. Rocky, Rambo, Cliff Hanger, that one in the late 80’s where he was an arm wrestler. Judge Dread didn’t happen. That’s cause he had a long sleeved uniform. But Sly could afford to make a few bombs cause he had his two franchises to fall back on.
For Sly, dusting off the Rocky and Rambo franchises is the movie version of what the old music geriatrics like The Police, Led Zep and The Who have done. The baby bombers want to
Back to Rambo 4. The trouble with it for me, was it broke from what made Rambo great.
First Blood was about one man and a big fuck off knife, taking on loads of army guys. Same with Rambo 2 and three. Gook army guys Russian army guys. Rambo four had more gookish type blokes, in Burma this time. Truck loads of them, and they died well. But for some reason the writers felt the need to give Rambo half a dozen mates and he never went bush. We didn’t get that great scene where Rambo came out of the muddy bank with a knife. Rambo 4 was really just a chuck Norris film with extra servings of growth hormone.
For Rambo 5 they’re planning to take him back to America, so I hope it’s a back to basics Rambo. Give him back the knife with the secret compartment with needle and thread and make him go bush. Could I suggest they do a Crocodile Dundee part 2 on it and let Rambo loose in a big city. That could be cool. I’m working on my ideas for a draft of Rambo 5, which I am going to send to the producers. Don’t want money. Just one of Rambo’s hunting bows and his sweaty bandanna.
Adriaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!

Yeah yeah, I know that's a Rocky line. But if you think about it all the lines from each franchise are pretty much interchangeable.

Frosties bollocks.

As an ad man I am always on the lookout for sponsorship ideas. Normally for my clients, but sometimes I just think of random ones for fun….. yeah, that’s right. The long winter nights fly by when you hang out with me.
So I had this idea.
Imagine if the Tamil Tigers, approached the makers of Frosties and suggested that Tony the Frosties Tiger, became their mascot. The Tamils could, for a large fee, put Tony on their uniforms. Maybe even incorporate him into their flag. It is a natural fit.
The Tamils are progressive and motivated. Not only do they have the standard guerillas running round blowing up things and sometimes themselves. They also have their own air force and navy.
Ok, so this might be a hard sell. Obviously you are going to polarize part of your potential market. For example, I cant see Frosties being served in the Sri Lankan government offices. But think of the new frosties devotees you would win over, in freedom fighter groups around the world. A great way to build share in those hard to reach 3rd world nations.
If the Frosties thing is a no go, maybe the Tamils should approach Tiger Woods about putting on a joint golf competition ?
I sent these ideas to the Tamils. I expect to hear back any day now.

Who ate all the Eminems?

America loves to kill what it loves. First Elvis now Eminem. Marshal is the new millennium model of the King. A working class white boy that took black music to heady commercial heights and made a shit load of cash in the process.
Elvis was like the living embodiment of everything that’s wrong about America. He went from svelte and good looking to a bloated, over dressed, drug and deep-fried bread stuffed with peanut butter and banana, fuelled caricature of himself.
Now it seems Eminem is heading the same way. Hopefully not with the same eating habits.
Apparently he’s stacked the weight on. About now he’ll be thanking his lucky stars that his wardrobe mainly consists of trackies. Not leather suits or tight jeans.
But maybe there’s hope. Elvis died before we were blessed with reality TV. I smell an opportunity for a savvy network executive to create a show to help Eminem fight the flab. Marshal’s record company could also tie it into the recording of his next album.
If poor old INXS could be tricked into being part of the musical necrophilia that resulted as they tried to rekindle their 80’s glory by hunting for a new Michael, then I am sure Eminem can be persuaded to mount an exercycle while he bangs out some new rhymes.
The weight lose journey could be seamlessly integrated into the album making process. For example, all his videos could feature him running and dancing. One of his tracks could become the new Jenny Craig TV ad jingle. He could record a duet with Aretha Franklin, she could do with losing a few kg’s. It could be a fatty helping fatty inspiration track. Maybe a hip hop infused cover of ‘That’s what friends are for’.
When the album comes out Eminem can hit the talk show circuit to talk about the benefits of healthy eating and weight lose. That crap goes down a treat on Oprah and Doc Phil and by doing it a whole new audience would be subtly sold on the new album.
If the fatty rap TV/album thing works, maybe we could try and save Britney.

Frisbee finale and other sad endings

The inventor of the Frisbee died last week and I was overcome with the kind of emotions that I felt in 2006 when the inventor of instant noodles died. These people were behind two of the great inventions of the second half of the 20th century, and their passing should be a world event.
I think the noodle guy should have had 2 minutes of silence around the globe, at the end of which, everyone should have saluted the moment with the noodles of their choice. Most likely chicken or chicken and corn. Probably not spicy shrimp so much.
For the Frisbee man I am thinking he should be cremated and the ashes mixed into a paste and compressed into a Frisbee, which would then be thrown off a cliff, into the water.
My other idea was that the ashes are mixed with crushed dog biscuits and the Frisbee is thrown in a park by a man wearing mirrored sunglasses, a toweling headband, really tight white shorts and a yellow singlet. The dog would catch the Frisbee then be allowed to eat it.
For me this kind of tribute would be similar in style to that of Gene Rodenberry, the creator of Star Trek. His ashes were taken into space on one of the space shuttles and released.
The inventor of the post it note must be getting on. We should start planning his passing now. How about a giant post it note, so big it can be seen from space. It could be spread out somewhere that isn’t used much, like Hong Kong Disneyland, and the people of the world could go there and sign it.
The inventor of the Honey Bear, the creator of Pac man, Velcro shoes, and the brains behind the abdominisor. They’ll all kick it in the coming years and we need to think about how we’ll honor the huge effect they have had on our lives.
Start planning people.

Nuts bollocks

I like nuts. Not only a good source of protein, but a dam good snack. In these carb conscious times you can rest easy with a bowl of nuts.
I like all kinds of nuts, but my favourite would have to be cashews. They taste better than peanuts. Maybe that’s why they cost a little more?
Peanuts are like your working class nut, but cashews are a little more up market.
And cashews are personalised. Not like peanuts that all pretty much look the same.
A cashew isn’t afraid to be a little chunky at one end or have a smaller bend. I admire their individuality.
Don’t get me wrong, peanuts are great. I’m just saying, a cashew is a bit more exotic. If there were two hot chicks in a bar, the peanut would be the local girl and the cashew would be from a former eastern block country, but with a decent grasp of English and not a hooker.
Almonds are nice, macadamias are ok, but the nut that wouldn’t be on my list if the wife said ‘I am planning a big party for you and you can invite 10 of your best friends and 4 of your favourite nuts’ is the pistachio. Those little suckers are just too much hard work. ‘An interactive nut’ That’s probably how the Pistachio nut growers would describe them. You have to jam your fingernail into the little gap in the shell. And sometimes you can’t find a gap so you toss the thing back in the bowl, but invariably end up plucking it out again a few minutes later. When you do get one open, what are you left with?
A shriveled up little thing that’s smaller than a peanut.
If scientists did the research, I’m sure they would find you burn more calories getting the suckers out of their shells than you get from eating them.
Maybe they should be sold as the dieters nut. Bet it would become popular with those eastern block models.

Elton John. The bumblebee of pop

Based on its design, the experts that know about these things, say a bumblebee shouldn’t be able to fly. But it does.
I was thinking about this while I watched Elton John perform live at The Emerities Palace last night. As a rule I don’t go to see performances by people who have a first name as a surname but the ticket was free, so what ya gonna do?
They had a camera set up on the edge of the piano giving the audience a wicked close up shot across the piano keys and the thing that really stood out was just how chubby and short Elton’s fingers were. It was like looking at a close up shot of a hobbits hand. How could those little fingers master a keyboard so well? The scientists and I don’t have a clue but they did.
Elton is getting on now, and so is his audience, which may have explained the lack of energy in the crowd, but it was a good show. Elton’s drummer looks a lot like Oliver Stone and Elton is looking more and more like Dame Edna without the wig every year. Dame Edna without the wig is Barry Humphries I guess, so I could say Elton looks like Barry wearing silly glasses.
By the way, in case you were thinking about it, Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids. Not only because it is as cold as hell, but apparently the school fees are astronomical.

The Jolly weird Green Giant

I guess if you have grown up with this guy on your cans of food, you don’t even give him a second thought. But at 2 am last Wed on the way into the cupboard for the 2 minute noodles, I got distracted, took an early turn off and ended up in front of the cans of soup. And that’s when I first encountered the Jolly green Giant.
Turns out he’s been around a while. And he would to have been. This bloke would never make it as the face of your soup these days would he. The designer would be run out of the food company’s boardroom.
Giants grind up your bones to make bread and what goes great with soup?
Not only that, the guy is green. Is that mould or has the die from his fake leaves run? And what’s with the leaves?
I hope he wears something a little more substantial when he is in the food preparation areas.
Speaking of substantial. Was it really cold when they drew him, because that frock thing he has on is cut high and I would have thought you would have seen some kind of hint of the crown jewels wouldn’t you? Unless he’s a Eunuch.
Maybe that would make him safer around the womenfolk.
Anyway, I don’t know the back story, but I like the guy and I will be making an effort to use all the Jolly Green Giant products from now on, and I have told my daughter that if she wants to grow up big and strong and green she should too.

Little pricks make a lasting impression

A long long time ago. Probably somewhere in China.



Ow!......... Ow!................ Owwwww! That hurt.

Sorry.

No, that really hurt that time. How long is this going to take?

Not long.

You said that hours ago. OW!

Sorry.

No you’re not.

Look, I’ve nearly finished your arm.

Good…. What do you mean your ARM?

I mean I’m just about done.

No. No you said ‘your ARM,’ as in, that particular body part. Ow!

Sorry.

Don’t change the subject. ‘your ARM’ What do you mean?

Well obviously after your arm I need to do your leg.

Leg! Wh…

And then spine, head…

You want to do THIS to the rest of my body? Look at my arm. Look at it! You’ve made little punctures all over it. There’s blood coming out of some of them.

What did you say?

There’s blood. You’re making me bleed!

No. Before that?

What? The little punctures?

A Puncture. I like that.

What’s this all about? What are you up too?

I’m not sure yet. I might be trying to find a cure.

For what?

Pain for one thing.

Pain! You’re kidding me? You’ve given me nothing but pain. Sticking pins into people to ease pain? That’s crazy. It’ll never catch on.

Look at that. Sticking out of your arm.

That a really short pin?

No. It’s a really long pin that I have inserted into your arm. And you didn’t feel a thing.

Not it isn’t. It’s a short………. Bloody hell! That thing was stuck right in.

Don’t pull it out!

What?

I didn’t want you to pull it out. I needed to mark where it was on your body. It must be one of the points I’ve been looking for.

Oh, I see. No problem. I’ll put it back in. It was just around… Ow! Not there. Ow!

Let me do it. I think it was just….

Ow! No it wasn’t! You’re hurting me again. I thought the point of all this was to stop pain.

Well it might. If I can find all the points.

How did you get onto all this?

I was piercing my ear and I accidentally pricked myself with a pin. But I noticed that it didn’t hurt and the headache I had went away.

Really?

Truly. Here I’ll show you.

Keep that pin away from my head!

No it won’t hurt, I promise. I’ve already identified the points on the ear. Trust me.

Alright then. But this better not hurt. I’m warning you. If I feel one bit of pain I’m….

I’ve done it.

Bullshit.

Look in the mirror.

Bloody hell. Look at that. There’s a pin sticking out of my head.

So can we keep doing the tests?

Listen, it looks freaky and it will make a great party trick, but there’s no proper reason for sticking needles in people. It’s a waste of time.

It’s not. It is important I tell you. These special points must exist for a reason. I’ll tell you what. Why don’t we take a break? Go outside, have a smoke and then we can get on with the testing.

I don’t really feel like it.

Not even if I promise to be careful.

No, I mean I don’t feel like having a smoke. Isn’t that weird? I always feel like having a smoke. But anyway, that’s beside the point. I also don’t feel like being your pincushion. It’s stupid and I can’t see the point in it. I’m going.

World’s Tallest Building Bollocks

They’re building the worlds biggest everything in the UAE so it is no surprise the world’s tallest building is going up in Dubai. Incidentally, a mate told me the project manager is a Kiwi. Cool eh. We’re everywhere.
This will be the first building in the world that has lifts you can use in a fire. Essential if the owners ever hoped to get the fire brigade to turn out for a fire.
I don’t know how fast the lifts will be, but perhaps they could put café’s in them so you could have a couple of flat whites and read the paper on the way up or down.
For residents, being in the world’s tallest building will change the way they live.
“Honey, I’m going to be late home tonight.”
“Where are you now?”
“The basement. I’m just getting into the lift. Kiss the kids goodnight for me.”
Sadly the world’s tallest building will probably attract suicide jumpers. But they could use the height to help save lives. Jumpers have to put on a parachute and are given a cell phones at the top. On the way down the jumper gets a call from the suicide hotline and they try to talk the person out of it. If they do change their mind there will still be time to pull the ripcord and float down.
The even bigger news is I am told they are planning an even BIGGER building in Kuwait. Twice as high as the Dubai one. 1 mile up. They should put airplane toilets on the top floor so that people who are afraid of flying have a chance to join the mile high club.

Brewery bollocks and dorks in town.

Imagine a brewery going to a town and setting up bars in a couple of suburbs and supplying all the people who lived there, with so much free beer that it created alcoholics a huge rise in crime and domestic disturbances and generally destroyed those neighborhoods.
Then, just before the head of the brewery retires from his job, he flies into the town and visits a different suburb that he has been supplying tons of beer to for even longer. As a result this area has suffered from many similar booze related problems and is generally seen by the rest of the world as a bit of a mess.
But the purpose of the Brewery bosses trip to this suburb he tells anyone that will listen, is to try and help them get rid of their bars. To stop the supply of beer and help deal with the drunks.
Wouldn’t that seem a bit odd?

That’s the analogy I’ve cooked up with after seeing George Bush bleat on and on about his trip to the middle east and hope for peace in Israel on telly.

He’s coming to my town tomorrow. Last time I saw George W was in Rome in June. We were both there for one day, on the same day. He probably wont remember me. But George, if you do read this, I was the tattooed guy with the black t shit on, who gave you the finger as you raced past in your super duper bullet and bomb proof limo.
I imagine he’s packed the same set of wheels for this trip.
By the way George, the reason I flicked you the bird as you went past, wasn’t because you rode into power on the coat tails of your old man and stole the election, with the help of your brother Jed in Florida, who I assume is being groomed to keep the dynasty going.
It wasn’t because you and the dodgy old men who pull your strings, used the 911 tragedy to fulfill an agenda in Iraq that had already been planned. Or that your invasion was so poorly thought out, so badly run, by men with no military experience, who refused to listen to those with military experience, that an already dangerous situation was made thousands of times worse. Like the disbanding of the Iraqi police and army, against the advice of experts on the ground in Iraq, who predicted, quite rightly that this would simply drive those unemployed and hungry men to the insurgency.
It wasn’t because of the fact that despite all the evidence of the insurgency and civil war happening in Iraq, you continued to bullshit the American people for months, until it was so obvious that even you realized you couldn’t get away with the denial anymore.
Or the fact that because, in large part, due to your actions, America is disliked on the international stage far more now than when you came to power.
It also wasn’t because of the fact that while you have been happy to take the war to the terrorists overseas (although you haven’t caught the main ones you went after) your people at home. The ones you are supposed to care about, are worse off than ever and now facing a recession and a record deficit.
It wasn’t really any of these things on that particular hot summers day in Rome George.
All those things piss me off no end, but that day it was because of the massive security triggered by your visit. Security that is required because of how hugely unpopular you are. Security that meant there were no taxis in town.
That meant we had to walk for 2 hours to get back to our hotel and for most of that I had to carry my daughter on my shoulders.
That pissed me off George. So don’t even think about giving me a call when you’re in town.