Is one god really enough in the 21st Century?

The reason I ask is that things don’t seem to have been going so well and I think maybe the problem is that he is over worked. Fair enough. The population has gone through the roof. Famine, pestilence, wars; disease, drugs and badly made electrical appliances are killing us in record numbers. Maybe the big guy needs a hand. Any business that undergoes huge growth and diversification needs to sit down and look at the way it is run. It isn’t fair to expect one guy to be responsible for the whole shooting match. Are you telling me Bill Gates is a one-man band?
And it’s not like this hasn’t been done before.
Look at some of the cultures of the past that thrived with polytheism. They had gods for love & marriage, healing, war, water, music, hunting. And those civilizations got things done. The Sumerian’s invented the wheel, agriculture, law, writing and pottery. The Egyptians built the pyramids. The Greeks gave us salad and the Romans left their cool sandals and toga parties. Maybe it was the multi god thing that helped.
Obviously not all the old gods would be as relevant now but we could change their job descriptions to reflect the changing times. For instance while sheep are still important there are other important livestock to take into account these days, so Pan, the god of shepherds and flocks could probably take over farming in general. The Goddess of hunting could also watch over supermarket shoppers. The Romans had a God of Wine and that’s fine but we might need to expand that to include beer, spirits and alcho pops. There used to be a God of music and healing. That was fine back in the Roman times but with the growth of hip hop, drum and bass and all the other new types of music I think we need a god dedicated simply to music and I know the big record companies will agree. I’m sure they will be praying to him about music piracy.

Now from what I know about the current God he isn’t to keen on the idea of help. He’s a control freak and wants to be in charge of everything. I’m not saying we fire him. Even in the old days the gods all answered to a boss god. The big guy would become the Chairman of the celestial board, and would be still called upon to perform the odd miracle and open shopping centers. But we would have specialists in there to get things done.

There will obviously have to be a few new gods created to cover new areas. For example we’ll need a God of the Internet because that is a whole new cyber universe. God of Love is fine but what about the God of Safe Sex? That’s important these days. The God of horses will naturally become the God of Cars and the God of Where did I put my car keys? but I think we need a separate God of Parking because that’s a huge problem for modern man.

I won’t lie; there will be a few downsides to reinstating the multi god concept. New temples will need to be built and they’ll be expensive and of course there be the inevitable ‘my god’s better than your god’ type fights that will break out. My hope is that due to the sheer number of new gods there wont is one with a big enough following to cause too much damage. Anyway that’s my idea thought I would put it out there, see what people think. The gods will need a home. They used to hang out at Mt Olympus but I think the UN headquarters in New York would be a better spot now. True the weather is a bit shitty in New York. Too hot in summer, too cold in winter but that can be the first job for the God of weather, before he gets bogged down arguing with the God of fossil fuels over the whole global warming issue.

Could you find your car’s bum? Egypt Part 2

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They are big on security in Cairo. On the way in from the airport I saw all these men in uniforms standing at the side of the road. I thought maybe the Queen was arriving. But it seems there is always quite a heavy uniformed presence round the city. Especially in the tourist areas. The entrance to my hotel was blocked by a gate and before the man with the AK47 would let us through, the man with the mirror on the end of the stick, stuck it under our car. It is like a giant version of that thing the dentist uses to look around in your mouth. Maybe if they ever manage to recreate dinosaurs and build a real Jurassic Park and the dinosaurs have to have their teeth checked, then they could use the mirrors on sticks that the security guys use to do it.
While the man with the mirror on the stick did his thing, the man with the bomb dog came out. I presume it was sniffing for bombs. Maybe it was just saying hello? But I don’t think so. You know how when a dog greets another dog and sometimes a person, it will sniff its bum? Well I thought maybe the dog would do the same thing with the car and go straight for the exhaust pipe. But it didn’t. Maybe bomb dogs aren’t friendly. How do you think they train a bomb dog? I am guessing they expose him to bombs. Let him sniff them so he knows what to look for. But what’s the motivation for the dog to sniff for bombs? Does he get a big pat on the head and a doggie treat when he finds something? Tough job. I bet they find stuff all bombs so that’s a long time between treats. And what if there was something in your car that had a better smell? Like dog food. Are you telling me the dog could resist the urge to get all excited about that and goes on sniffing for bombs? I have always suspected that with drug dogs they get the dogs hooked on drugs and that’s why they are so eager to sniff you bags at the airport. Maybe bomb dogs get fed small bits of explosive. Not a lot, just enough to give them a taste. But over time the explosive probably builds up in the dog like mercury and eventually they just blow up. Probably lying by a fire one night after work. Dogs like lying by fires. Or maybe someone pats the dog a little too vigorously and BOOOM! Bye bye fido. Dangerous job. You’d be crazy to do it. That’s why you never see bomb-sniffing cats. Cats are way to clever to take on a shitty job like that. Mind you if there was one place in the world where it would make sense to have cats doing important jobs it would be in Egypt wouldn’t it.

WHERE’S THE POINT IN THE PYRAMIDS?

From the moment you get to Cairo they bang on about these pyramids that you just have to go and see. I’m here doing some work so I thought I might as well check them out. They are right next to the city, which is a smart move on the Egyptians part. Not like Disneyland in LA, which takes ages to get to. My taxi driver obviously had trouble understanding my English. I asked him to take me to the pyramids what he heard me say was “Can you take me to the pyramids but first stop at a Papyrus Museum so I can buy some shitty paper and you can get a nice kick back.
It was the first museum I have ever been to where you can by everything that’s on the wall. I’ve seen papyrus before. In the 70’s people in Pakuranga liked to put it in their garden. And I have seen papyrus paper. You find it at those hippy shops that sell incense, pocket sized horoscope books and sandals made of Ethiopian cowhide. But I didn’t tell the nice lady. I didn’t really get a chance, she didn’t stop talking. She condensed the making of papyrus paper from 5 or 6 days into an efficient 14 minutes with the use of some classic,’ Here is some I prepared earlier.’ TV kitchen show moves. Very Hudson & Halls. She showed me how papyrus is shaped like a triangle, like the pyramids. Nice link. I also noticed It is green the color of the American money which she was very keen for me to spend on her papyrus drawings. Another spooky link. Consumers are looking for an interactive, personal shopping experience these days. Nike offer to print your name on their shoes. The lady at the Papyrus museum has embraced this concept. She has a little helper with gold and black felt tips and will write your name in hieroglyphics on the papyrus painting of your choice. I paid a little extra and got her to write the name of a good friend. She had never heard of someone called ‘I paid way to much for this naff picture of an eye’. With my wallet a few bucks lighter it was finally off to the pyramids. My Taxi driver was obviously very proud of the Cairo’s number 1 tourist attraction. I didn't have the heart to tell him that they have one in Las Vegas that looks a lot better. Sure Cairo has a few of them in different sizes, but they all look a bit rough. Made with blocks of stone, they look like they have been put up in a bit of a hurry. So fast in fact that the council couldn’t agree what to put in them. The one in Vegas has a hotel and casino in it. The ones at Giza have nothing! Not even a café selling expensive scones and cold drinks. But maybe that’s so you have to buy water and coke from the men that wander around outside. Another cause for concern was the fact that they don’t appear to have even finished these pyramids. They didn’t have proper points on them. Maybe they ran out of money? Or perhaps they are saving up to put a big eye on it like the pyramid on American money, which is where I suspect they got the idea from. Good on Cairo for taking the initiative and building a tourist attraction. Even if it has been done before. Sure they look a bit rough now but I think Cairo has big plans for the future. They have made sure there is plenty of desert behind them, so if the place turns out to be popular with the tourists there will be no problem adding more pyramids. Maybe one with a casino and an inflatable one for kids.