Dental technology

Every now and then technology takes such a huge leap forward it takes a while for the world to catch up. Velcro shoes is a great example, vegemite in a tube is another. Today, I asked a work mate for some dental floss and my well cared for mouth dropped open when I saw what she produced. A pack so small that it took my lovely minty fresh breath away. If they can do this to a pack of dental floss it makes you wonder why the rest of the world's problems haven't been solved. Im talking about the big ones like how to get Lindsay Lohan clean and how to deflate Donatella Versace's lips. The dental scientists who came up with this marvel of modern packaging should be moved onto other projects post haste.

The sanctions against Iran they don’t tell you about in the news.

Iran has been hit by US sanctions. This is like a teaser, an entrée if you will to being hit by cruise missiles. Sanctions work. Just look at the effect they had on Saddam…..
Anyway, the Yanks have come along way since then. Perfected their sanctions. They have learned to hit the enemy where it hurts. As well as the sanctions you read about in the paper there are other, far more hard hitting ones that you wont hear about in the mainstream press. These are the ones so nasty the Americans prefer to keep them out of the public eye. Sanctions that just seem plain cruel.
But when you are trying to bring an evil terrorist supporting oil laden nation to its knees, a super power has gotta do what a super power’s gotta do.
Here are some of the secret sanctions.

- A ban on the release of Dan Browns follow up to the DaVinci Code.
- No new episodes of Sponge Bob Square Pants or Family Guy.
- No new American movies to be released in Iran except ones with Lindsay Lohan in.
- A ban on all stuffed crust pizzas at Iranian Pizza Huts.
- A ban on all travel by Americans to Iran except for Michael Jackson, OJ Simpson and the guy who went on Thats incredible with the miniature plane that had flies super glued to it (cruel bastard).
-No new Gillette blade technology. 4 blades, 5 blades… who knows how many those geniuses art Gillette will manage to stick on a razor. But Iranian men will have to make do with 3.

But it doesn’t stop with sanctions. The US is also activating a covert operation that will see a group of highly trained agents dropped inside Iran tasked with causing maximum disruption. Members of this team include TV evangelist Benny Hinn, Paula Abdul, David Caruso, Liza Minnelli, the guy who invented spray on tan and 34 Mormons with bicycles.

The Crap Pack

It has all turned to custard for Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears. Or the Crap Pack as I like to call them.
Lindsay has been in more rehab centers than watchable films in her short life. And now it looks like Britney might be joining her to get weaned of the jack and coke, and coke. Apparently Britney Spears mother Lynne received an anonymous phone call last week, tipping her off about the singer's drug taking.
Oh really? Are you telling me Lynne didn’t know? Don’t they get TV reception in her trailer park? Doesn’t she read magazines?
Paris did jail time instead of rehab but now she has announced she is off to Rwanda. Has someone told Pars there are no Prada, Gucci or Mui Mui stores in Rwanda? Maybe she isn’t going there for a handbag. Maybe she is gonna pull a Madonna and adopt a 3rd world kid to replace her tiny dog. Or maybe they will both have to squeeze into the same handbag. If she is only going there for a photo op couldn’t she just get someone to build a fake Rwanda set in Hollywood. If some of Paris’ emaciated pals spent a few extra hours on the tanning beds they would look just like the starving children in Rwanda. As if poor old Rwanda doesn’t enough problems now they will have to put up with the Platinum princess wafting through the country handing out copies of her porn tape. But maybe this could be the thing that brings the Hutu and the Tutsi together. (Has someone told Paris that these are tribes and not new types of perfume?) Maybe they can stop killing each other and learn to hate a common enemy. Bimbo American socialites who use dirt poor African nations to make themselves look good.

Flags, fires and stick thin presidents.

If I were in charge of making US flags I would make them out of flameproof material in the hope that would stop people in foreign countries burning them in the streets. Another option might be for the US to dump a few states. Or make some states share stars. That would cut down on the size of the flag. Folllowing that line of thnking the other rule I would introduce is that
the American people can only elect US presidents that are really really skinny. Like super model skinny. That way, when the flag burners go to the next level and build effigys of the US president to burn in the street they would end up with really small ones that burn so fast no one had time to film them. That way the American people wouldn't have to go through the torment of seeing a likeness of their elected leader burning.
Sure the effigy builders could make their models a little bigger, but when they carried it out into the street everyone would say ‘Who’s that meant to be?’
‘It is the President of USA.’ answers the proud guy who was voted most likely to end up, as a professional effigy builder at his primary school.
‘But it doesn’t look anything like him.’
That is like the ultimate insult you can give to a professionl effigy builder. And it would probably be enough tp put him off the business for good. It would be like meeting a person that owns one of the rehab centres that Lindsay Lohan has used ( and there are a few now) and saying ‘Oh, you looked after Lindsay. You must do good work.’
Flame proof flags and skinny presidents. These two things could really help the US with their image overseas. Of course the other option would be for America to stop using the bullshit pretence of ‘Bringing freedom to the world’ as an excuse to interfere with other nations business.

Might be time to make a bulk order of that flame proof material and get all the presidential hopefuls on the grapefruit diet. Or maybe they could all start living on a diet of vodka and cocaine. That keeps Lindsay pretty slim.

Rehab rewards. The scheme for heavy users

As if poor old Lindsay Lohan didnt have enough problems it now appears she is addicted to rehab. That would explain why she keeps going back. Each time she comes out she says that is it. She's clean. But then she slides right back in. And I see the attraction. It's like a hotel without the temptaion of a mini bar. I also understand they dont mark up the phone calls in rehab. What's not to love?
So it looks like Linsay could soon be back in again, racking up more points on her Rehab Rewards card.
But is rehab really the answer this time Linsay?
Do you think the DA will fall for the whole, 'Dont send me to jail what I really need is a 30 dasy in rehab.'

That wont wash girlfriend. Rehab dont work for you and they know it. I'm afraid they are planning on throwing the book at you this time and I'm not talking about the book called 'Picking roles in movies that dont suck!' which is one that you obviously havent read.

I have been talking with some lawyers in LA and we think we can cut you a new deal with the DA that will keep you out of jail. Offer to never act in a move again. Obviously you'll still be allowed to do tv commercials in the US and mexican soaps and be the hostess on Latvian Game Shows, so you wont go hungry. But no more movies. That is the promise you have to make us. Not so much me but the more inocent trusting types who see your name and face on every magazsione they ever pick up and stupidly think that becasue you are famous and an actress you must also be a good actress who does good films.
Lindsay this is your chance to spare more suffereing adn I think if you announced this move you would be overwhelmed with the support you would recieve from the movie goign public.

7 Blunders of the modern world

At a star studded ceremony in Masterton New Zealand (star studded because it was held outside at night) The winners of the 7 blunders of the world were announced. Voters from around the world were invited to write their nominations on the back of used car park receipts and attach them to carrier pigeons. Perhaps it is a reflection of the fact that it is hard to find reliable carrier pigeons these days because only 8 submissions were received and the ink had run on one of them ( I think the pigeon flew threw a rain storm). So here they are.


Y2K
2000 US Presidential Election
The UN
The invasion of Iraq
The multi tune car alarm (WaaaWaaaWaaa DooooopDoooooopBeengBeengBeenb!)
Turning Paris Hilton & Lindsay Lohan into celebrity status
Aspartame