The bags behind global warming.

It‘s a worrying new trend that is threatening our very existence. Big chunky gold and silver handbags that look like they are made out of leftover NASA space suit material.
Not only is the trend growing, so are the size of the handbags.
Why are these bags so much bigger now? Do ladies suddenly have a lot more stuff to carry around?
Do you want to know why Al Gore will never be seen carrying one of these? Their reflective power.
Scientists have discovered that the combination of a huge number of bags and their large, reflective surface area, means they’re directly contributing to global warming.
Before the collective gasp of distressed fashion victims reverberates round our hot little planet, I am not advocating the banning of these bags.
There’s a simple solution.
Scientists have invented a special, matt varnish spray that can be applied to the bags to reduce the shine and glare.
Children, armed with cans of this earth saving spray will be sent out around the malls of the world to offer this service free of charge. These children will be pulled from sweat shops across Asia and will naturally be thrilled to be out from behind their sewing machines so it’s a win win.

The 2-minute noodle conspiracy

I remember when 2-minute noodles hit the streets in New Zealand in the 80’s. Literally. Maggi put them in letterboxes in my neighborhood. That was one of the perks of living in a middle class ghetto like Pakuranga. People were always sticking stuff in your letterbox for your mum or dad to try. Mostly mum. We got a lot of fabric softener. Although they’re completely lacking in nutritional value, 2-minute noodles tick 2 of the more important food group boxes. They’re cheap and fast. But have you ever wondered why they are still 2-minute noodles? Are you telling me that over the last 25 years they haven’t developed the technology to shave a few seconds off the preparation time? Look at the 100 meters record since the 80’s? Now I’m not saying they should put steroids in the noodles but I cant believe in this modern, time poor age, that the two-minute noodle industries resources haven’t been focused on reducing the time factor. Or have they?
Rumor has it that a backyard inventor came up with a simple way of turning 2 minute noodles into 1 minute noodles. What happened to this new noodle? It was bought by one of the big 2-minute noodle manufacturers and hidden away. Why? Because the 2-minute noodle magnates want to keep you dependant on their product and avoid the costly expense of changing all the packaging from 2-minute noodles to 1-minute noodles. And they are banking on the fact that most of the people that reach for their product are drunk and don’t stop to think that they could be getting their noodles faster. But can we afford not to? We are all conscious of global warming these days. Think how much warming the pot on the stove with the water for the noodles is responsible for. Now imagine if we halved that? That’s right, 1 minute noodles could halve global warming instantly. When you realise that you understand we cant afford not to have 1-minute noodles in the kitchen.

The Surge report that has congress in a spin.

General Patraeus testified to a congressional committee last week on the progress in Iraq. Some of the committee members thought it was a bit odd that the general started his presentation by handing out free sunglasses but everyone agreed the lovely rose tinted lens made for comfortable wearing. And things only got better. The generals general message to the crowd was that the Surge has worked its tits off. Violence is down, Iraqs armed forces are improving, Baghdad is more peaceful. In short, it is all good ladies and gentlemen. With the update on Iraq over so quick but the audience still enjoying their sun glasses General Patraeus went on to update them on some other big events. He reported that Global Warming is over and the planet is starting to cool down again. Britney Spears comeback performance at the MTV music awards was a huge sucsess and very well received by the audience. Burt Reynolds has decided to stop doing crap movies simply for the money. And Posh Spice has been a hug hit in America. Yes folks, it was a 5 star effort from a 4 star general.