The Surge report that has congress in a spin.

General Patraeus testified to a congressional committee last week on the progress in Iraq. Some of the committee members thought it was a bit odd that the general started his presentation by handing out free sunglasses but everyone agreed the lovely rose tinted lens made for comfortable wearing. And things only got better. The generals general message to the crowd was that the Surge has worked its tits off. Violence is down, Iraqs armed forces are improving, Baghdad is more peaceful. In short, it is all good ladies and gentlemen. With the update on Iraq over so quick but the audience still enjoying their sun glasses General Patraeus went on to update them on some other big events. He reported that Global Warming is over and the planet is starting to cool down again. Britney Spears comeback performance at the MTV music awards was a huge sucsess and very well received by the audience. Burt Reynolds has decided to stop doing crap movies simply for the money. And Posh Spice has been a hug hit in America. Yes folks, it was a 5 star effort from a 4 star general.

Son of Surge

The problem with deadlines is they have a habit of creeping up on you. September must have seemed so far away when Bush first introduced his Surge. What to do….what to do?
Well luckily the American Command have sent in a Battalion of Army engineers to shift the goal posts. The new plan comes in two phases. No point in biting off more than you can chew. The “Near Term” goal is to achieve “localized security” in Baghdad and other areas no later than June 2008 (I thought that was what the Surge was meant to do by September 2007?) The new theory apparently puts a premium on protecting the Iraqi population Baghdad, on the theory that the improved security will provide the Iraqi political leaders with the breathing space they need to try political reconciliation. No surprise that this plan has been stitched together by General Petraeus, whose balls are well and truly in the sling with September approaching. And I’m sure the ‘breathing space’ will be welcomed with open arms by Mr Bush. June 2008 pushes the whole messy Iraq thing a long away away. From there it will be a short skip and a jump to the end of his presidency and then some other sucker can take charge of the mess.

Americas aerial landscaping of Iran. Put September in your diary.

The War President has told the American people that they can expect to know if the surge is working around September. The evidence will come out that the surge has not worked not matter how much spin Bush tries to put on it. So what happens then? Bush isn’t going to admit defeat. He has publicly stated that the US won’t leave Iraq while he’s in charge. Lack of public support for the war and his Titanicesque ratings haven’t put him off. He is in this to the end. What he needs is a distraction and a chance to refocus the public’s attention on the worldwide war on terror. So I am predicting that around September is when Iran is going to get a visit from some heavy-duty made in the USA airborne ordinance. I’ve bogged about this before so I’ll try not to repeat myself. On paper it might seem crazy to provoke a new fight, the American military is overstretched as it is. But this wont be an invasion. This will be a powerful concentrated attack on Iran’s nuclear capabilities. Think about it. Neither the Saudi’s nor the Israelis want to see Iran gain nuclear capabilities. Sure Saudi Arabia and other Arab nations will denounce the attack but behind closed doors they want it to happen. There is no way Israel will ever let Iran get the bomb but the yanks know Israel cant attack Iran because that would force the other Arab countries to side with Iran and possibly trigger a bigger middle east conflict. No. The yanks will do it because everyone wants it. And when Iran responds that will be the perfect ammunition for the Republicans to use in their assault on the 2008 presidential race.

Surge. Not a European hairdresser. Just the Presidential bullshit machine working on the war in Iraq?

So here’s how it went down. A few months back Bush and his brains trust were sitting round a big table. Probably made of American oak and decorated with lace doilies made by his mum when his dad was in office.
‘Mr President. You know how back before you invaded Iraq those army guys said you needed to go in with more troops but Rummy said bollocks? Well it seems they were right. It’s all gone FUBAR and we need to send in more troops.’
Bush was busy playing with one of the Doilies. There was bottle of water sitting on it and he was trying to see if he could pull the doilie out from under it. Luckily one of his advisors was listening.
‘Troop build up. Are you crazy? The American people wont like that one little bit. That will make it sound like we aren’t winning the war and we have already told them we are winning the war.’
Everyone in the room agreed, except George W who was still concentrating on his doilie trick.
Then someone suggested they bring in the bullshit machine. It’s on wheels because it gets moved around the Whitehouse so much. The words ‘troop build up’ and ‘escalation’ were fed into the machine and it did its thing. Its ‘thing’ only takes a few seconds. That’s what you get when you spend billions of black budget dollars.
‘The word you are looking for is ‘Surge’ said one of those automated computer voices.
‘Yes!’ shouted the President. ‘Perfect.’
Everyone agreed, but it turned out the President was talking about the fact he just whipped out the doilie without knocking the bottle over. No one noticed. They knew ‘surge’ was a great word. It implied a short-term increase. You wouldn’t need extra troops for a short term if things were turning to shit would you? Then the brains trust realized their only problem was how to get the public to pick up on the phrase. That was easy. They just fed the word ‘surge’ into an even bigger bullshit machine. The Media. And it worked. Every news presenter you see on TV refers to the ‘surge’ instead of what it really is. Why? Well because all the other news people are doing it.
Speaking of build-ups and escalation, after his success with his doilie trick George W decided to up the ante and try it with a bigger bottle of water. He is pretty confident he’ll be able to pull it off (or out in this case) and has already had a new ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner made up