Hummer Love

It’s is the classic expat cliché. Come to the Middle East and buy a Hummer. Hummer, famous for having the most expensive launch event ever. That would be Gulf War 1. The mother of all car launches. Anyway, 17 years on the hummer aint the new kid on the block anymore. It was cool to have a hummer here in the UAE a couple of years ago, but the cashed up car nuts who change their cars like their undies have moved on. The new Rover is the in thing this month.

What about our carbon footprint you ask? Well with a Hummer it is more of an army issue desert boot print, but my theory is, if all this fighting and stress over the price of oil wasn’t around, we would all be better off. How do we sort that out? Get rid of the oil. Use it up. Fast. And my friends, doing 160 k’s between Abu Dhabi and Dubai is a good way to use it up.

The Hummer is big. I’ve never had an SUV, never really wanted one, but now I have had a taste of it, it would be hard to go back. Before we got the Hummer we were renting a VW polo. I have filled that with pine scented dishwashing liquid and hung it form the hummers rear view mirror.
The Hummer is high off the ground.
It’s a climb to get in, but once you’re there it’s worth it. Kind of like getting to the top of Everest. The Hummer is so high off the ground that at Hummer dealerships, one of the optional extras is a midget lady who lives in the spare tyre compartment and comes round offering you a choice of chicken or fish on long trips.
Judder bars are a thing of the past. When you’re in a car that was designed to be able to drive over small desert villages without stopping, a judder bar is just a joke.

We got the H3. It’s totally different to the H1 and 2. Each model that comes out seems to have a little more of the sharp edges taken off. It’s sad how that happens. The Hummer caught the imagination of the nation because it looked different to all the pussy cars we were used to seeing. It wasn’t smooth and curvy, it was boxy with sharp corners and low to the ground. Arnie wanted one. And back in 91 he was still kind of cool, in a larger than life Hollywood way. But the H3 is a shadow of its early days. Looks to me like the result of endless focus groups and research meetings that have tried to pander to the soccer mum crowd. Bit of chrome here, smooth those front corners, put some pretty taillights on it. Any more tweaks and they might as well slap a Hyundai logo on its arse.
The H4 will probably suck and buy the time it comes out Arnie will be the only guy rich enough to fill it with gas, so we are living the dream now.
The wife likes to keep it clean, but I think a Hummer looks better dirty. It also makes it look like I have been off roading.
The pressure about getting a big 4x4 like a hummer is everyone says ‘have you taken it off road yet?’ and when you say no, they give you that slightly disappointed look. I parked outside a restaurant the other day and road works were going on out front so I had to drive up on the curb to park… does that count? … Not really eh.

Rambo rambling

Saw Rambo 4 in the weekend and I was a little disappointed. A high body count doesn’t automatically make it a great film and this had a record 290 something. Apparently though it has done well at the box office and Rambo is gonna be back for part 5.
Hats off to Sly. 60 and still doing it on the big screen, even it is with the help of Planet Hollywood sized servings of human growth hormone.
To be a Hollywood heavy weight, a true mega star, you gotta have a franchise. Arnie had Terminator, Bruce Willis had Die Hard, Mel had lethal Weapon, Sly had Rocky and Rambo. What a legend.
Sly’s secret was taking roles where he got to show his biceps. Rocky, Rambo, Cliff Hanger, that one in the late 80’s where he was an arm wrestler. Judge Dread didn’t happen. That’s cause he had a long sleeved uniform. But Sly could afford to make a few bombs cause he had his two franchises to fall back on.
For Sly, dusting off the Rocky and Rambo franchises is the movie version of what the old music geriatrics like The Police, Led Zep and The Who have done. The baby bombers want to
Back to Rambo 4. The trouble with it for me, was it broke from what made Rambo great.
First Blood was about one man and a big fuck off knife, taking on loads of army guys. Same with Rambo 2 and three. Gook army guys Russian army guys. Rambo four had more gookish type blokes, in Burma this time. Truck loads of them, and they died well. But for some reason the writers felt the need to give Rambo half a dozen mates and he never went bush. We didn’t get that great scene where Rambo came out of the muddy bank with a knife. Rambo 4 was really just a chuck Norris film with extra servings of growth hormone.
For Rambo 5 they’re planning to take him back to America, so I hope it’s a back to basics Rambo. Give him back the knife with the secret compartment with needle and thread and make him go bush. Could I suggest they do a Crocodile Dundee part 2 on it and let Rambo loose in a big city. That could be cool. I’m working on my ideas for a draft of Rambo 5, which I am going to send to the producers. Don’t want money. Just one of Rambo’s hunting bows and his sweaty bandanna.
Adriaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!

Yeah yeah, I know that's a Rocky line. But if you think about it all the lines from each franchise are pretty much interchangeable.