Losing the war, winning the product tie-ins

(aritcle I just wrote for Media Week ME)


Communism may have failed, but the merchandise lives on. I just got back from Hong Kong and that place is awash with Chairman Mao watches, alarm clocks, little red book lighters and t-shirts galore. It was the anniversary of Tiananmen Square and the Chinese press wasn’t allowed to refer to it as a massacre, but yet it seems ok to turn their great leader into a novelty item. The wristwatches with Mao’s arm vibrating like he had Parkinsons disease, cracked me up. There obviously isn’t an office of the brand of Mao that approves these things.
Che Guevara is the ultimate commie pin up boy. I like a nice Che T shirt as much as the next bloke, but I draw the line at the pair of jeans I saw at Dubai Mall, featuring Che, spray painted in silver on the rear pockets. WTF?
There are more ex US presidents alive than at any time in history, but where’s their merchandise? I wonder if any of them feel a little bit bitter about the fact that although they helped win the battle of good versus evil, they never made it onto watches and lighters like their red counterparts. It’s not like there aren’t some good opportunities available. How about a Bill Clinton watch with little cigars for the hands. George W could do a deal with the makers of those units fro drying fruit. They could launch a big industrial sized one called George W Bush’s Weapon of Mass Desiccation.
Speaking of launches, seeing as how Gulf War 1 was basically a really big PR event for the launch of the Hummer, why didn’t they do a George Bush Senior model – ‘The Bush Hummer. It will go anywhere except Baghdad.’
Saddam Hussein missed out on a greatest commercial opportunity after the 1st Gulf War. His line ‘The mother of all battles’ was a classic that’s been adapted all over the planet. Bet he wished he’d copyrighted that beauty. George W tried to launch his own catch phrase in GW2, but ‘Mission Accomplished’ came back to bite him in the bum. It seems that the truly memorable leaders have loads of merchandise. In a million years, when alien anthropologists are sifting through the charred remains of the wasteland that was once earth, they will sort through the watches, t shirts, coffee cups and key rings in an effort to work out who was once the most powerful and revered leader on this rock. Based on the sheer volume, I think they’ll conclude it was Mickey Mouse. And that’s kind of interesting because when you think about it he has a lot in common, with Americas Presidents. A well recognized face of a large organization who is ultimately just a figurehead with no real power.

Beirut’s Hall of Fame and the wanking president.

Up in the hills behind Beirut is one of Lebanon’s best-kept tourist attraction secrets. The Hall of Fame. A house full of life like silicon dummies. Well, they’re not all dummies. Albert Einstein is there, and the pope. He was freaky, either his head was a little small of his hands were a little big. The joint is fricken hilarious. Little sensors trigger some of them off and they talk or sing to you over the sound of the little motors that drive the body movements. The late Yasser Arafat is there. I thought he was broken, he wasn’t talking but his lips were vibrating.
‘Mechanical error?’ I enquired. ‘
Oh no explained our guide. As you know he had Parkinson’s before he died’…. Fair enough.
Leonardo Da Vinchi looked cool, although the Mexican blanket he was wearing seemed a little odd, but my favorite men were all together. Saddam Hussein and right next to him George W and Bill. George didn’t talk but check out the video footage. He has shifty little eyes like the baddie from Thunder Birds. An accident? I think not. And Bill was brilliant. He was delivering the 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman,' speech over and over and it was combined with some interesting hand movements. An accident? Not from a team that recreated the quivering lips of someone with Parkinson’s.

Castrover and out

So the old guy has finally retired and can I say well done on going out voluntarily. As opposed to being found in a hole under a mat on a farm by the Special Forces like Iraq’s old president.
Hussein had a beard that looked a bit like Castro’s. He grew his cause he was on the run from 200,000 US soldiers for months. What’s Castro’s excuse.
A lot of old people go somewhere warm when they retire. Alot of Americans go to Miami. Bet Castro wont be going there eh.
Anyway, he is already somewhere warm, and it has a good healthcare system.
So what now? Sign a lucrative sponsorship deal to be the face of a cigar? Or do a Pizza Hut ad like Gorby did?

Wonder if he will finally change out of his army fatigues? Maybe he’ll start wearing his PJ’s all day and go to the shop in his slippers.
Maybe he will ring talkback and bitch about the government.
Wonder if he and Mugabe have been chatting and supporting each other lately. ‘Go on. I’ll do it if you do it.’ ‘No, you do it first.’ ‘Ok, I will’
Of course Castro can retire in a little more comfort than Robert will be able to. Cuba is like Monaco compared to the drop kick of a disaster Zimbabwe has turned into.

Is it better to burn out than fade away? Maybe if Castro had died in the Bay of Pigs fighting off the CIA trained invaders with a machete and a pile of coconuts, he would have become as famous as his mate Che. Maybe Castro would be on t-shirts, beanies and cigarette lighters.
He was one of the last relics of the cold war, but legally the Yanks and the Russian cant stick him in one of their museums. Not till he’s dead anyway. I hope he writes a tell all book on his time in power on the pages of Cuban tabbacoo so that you can read the book then roll it and smoke it.
Viva the revaloution Castro, and enjoy not having to wear green anymore.

The sanctions against Iran they don’t tell you about in the news.

Iran has been hit by US sanctions. This is like a teaser, an entrée if you will to being hit by cruise missiles. Sanctions work. Just look at the effect they had on Saddam…..
Anyway, the Yanks have come along way since then. Perfected their sanctions. They have learned to hit the enemy where it hurts. As well as the sanctions you read about in the paper there are other, far more hard hitting ones that you wont hear about in the mainstream press. These are the ones so nasty the Americans prefer to keep them out of the public eye. Sanctions that just seem plain cruel.
But when you are trying to bring an evil terrorist supporting oil laden nation to its knees, a super power has gotta do what a super power’s gotta do.
Here are some of the secret sanctions.

- A ban on the release of Dan Browns follow up to the DaVinci Code.
- No new episodes of Sponge Bob Square Pants or Family Guy.
- No new American movies to be released in Iran except ones with Lindsay Lohan in.
- A ban on all stuffed crust pizzas at Iranian Pizza Huts.
- A ban on all travel by Americans to Iran except for Michael Jackson, OJ Simpson and the guy who went on Thats incredible with the miniature plane that had flies super glued to it (cruel bastard).
-No new Gillette blade technology. 4 blades, 5 blades… who knows how many those geniuses art Gillette will manage to stick on a razor. But Iranian men will have to make do with 3.

But it doesn’t stop with sanctions. The US is also activating a covert operation that will see a group of highly trained agents dropped inside Iran tasked with causing maximum disruption. Members of this team include TV evangelist Benny Hinn, Paula Abdul, David Caruso, Liza Minnelli, the guy who invented spray on tan and 34 Mormons with bicycles.

Baaaaaaaa. The war in Iraq was about oil. Baaaaaaa. What are you gonna Baaaaaaaa,

I’ve been watching films on U tube about the war in Iraq and they all beat the same drum. We were lied to. There were no WMD. The war was about oil. Saddam had no links to Bin Laden. The invasion was already being planned before 911.
A lot of people knew this before the invasion and now the truth is seeping down to the masses. Most of these films pull out experts. Ex CIA, Army, Government people to help prove the point.
But so what.
You think the men who planned the invasion. The men who wanted to get Saddam out of power and their hands on Iraq’s oil and care. Why should they.
You see what the men in power count on is the fact that we, the masses, are sheep. Especially in the West. We plod along in a flock. Most of us under the illusion that because we live in a democracy. That we, the people, are in control and because we ‘elected’ our leaders they will safe guard our interests and do the right thing by us.
Meanwhile, the men in power. And I’m not talking about the muppet out front who got the job from daddy. I’m talking about the men with the real power. The men off to the side. They just quietly go about doing what they want.
Want to kick out Saddam, get control of the oil and get Iraq to start selling oil in US dollars again. No problem. Tell the sheep Saddam is linked to 911 and has WMD. Sure the truth will come out eventually, but it will be too late by then. And it is. The job is done. When Bush was on that aircraft carrier in front of the sign ‘Mission Accomplished’. It was right. The mission was accomplished. The war hasn’t been won. But that wasn’t the object. As long as the war goes on there are plenty of men making loads of money. Ask the team at Halliburton. And as for the oil. They don’t need to start pumping it right now. They are too busy making loads of money off the oil they are pulling out of the ground everywhere else. Plenty of time before they need to start sucking Iraq dry.
And why can people like Bush Blair and Howard lie to the people that supposedly put them in power? Because they and their handlers know they wont be held accountable. Sure there will be a lot of films and protests by some of the angry sheep, but we’ll all get tired and go back to chewing grass. Politically we might se a few heads role, but hat doesn’t worry the men in power. There are plenty more Bill Clintons and George W Bushes to wheel out in front of the flock to provide the illusion that we have a choice of leaders and that the power is in our hands.
How did this happen? Surely we can blame someone for the travesty. It can’t be our own apathetic selves at fault. What about the greeney peace freeks? Why didn’t they try to persuade us a little harder? Why did they have to look so green and freaky and not very credible.
What about the political opposition? Surely they should have sniffed out what was going on. Isn’t that what the opposition do? Don’t tell me they're just waiting to have a turn in the drivers seat and serving the purpose of the men in power by making it look like we, the sheep, have an alternative choice in leaders. What about the press? Shouldn’t they have searched out the truth. Don’t tell me they're in the pockets of the men in power. (Or in the case of the embedded journalists, in the tanks and personnel carriers of the men in power).
So what do we do now?
Maybe if we make a real effort to hold the people in power that lied to us, accountable, we could send a message to our leaders that they can’t get away with bull shitting the flock. That there will be a price to pay. But that wont happen will it. The men at the top rely on the ineptitude and apathy of the flock. People like you and me who are too busy chewing grass and hoping someone will trim our dags.
I guess we get the leaders we deserve. Baaaaaaaaa. Baaaaaa. Baaaaa.

The mother of all lines.

Saddam has gone now. But he lives on with one of histories great lines.
‘The Mother of all battles’
The battle – Gulf War1, never lived up to the hype. Kind of like a Don King fight. But the line lived on through the 90’s and into the 21st century. And I bet Saddam kicked himself or had some of his advisors shot for letting that opportunity slip away. He should have secured the rights to that little puppy. Then he wouldn’t have had to worry about the royalties from his romance novels to make him his millions. (I assume that is what paid for all his palaces and not using his position as leader of Iraq for his own personal financial gain).
Imagine the pressure Saddam was under in 2003. With the invasion of Iraq looming the world’s media waited eagerly for his new creation. But he couldn’t repeat the magic. Like Dirty Dancing 2 it just never managed to live up to the hype.

Mind you George W didn’t do so good either - Mission Accomplished? Not only was it bullshit it just didn’t have that extra zing that makes you want to adapt it for your own person use. Now Saddam’s line has turned up in all sorts of different places. We’ve had,
The Mother of all hurricanes, The Mother of all budgets, The Mother of all ride on lawn mower sales. And for the lucky few, the line can be made to work even harder.
The Mother of all Mothers day buffets
The mother of all Mother Fuckers (that could be the line for a Steven Segal film. One where he plays an ex special forces commando retired to a small town who has to use all his deadly skills to confront the rich baddie who runs the town using a bunch of check shirt, trucker cap wearing farmhands with m16’s. In other words the plot for every Segal movie)

Saddam is gone, but his line lives on. He set the standard. Not only for the amount of gold fixtures you should have in your bathroom, but also the kind of tag line you take into battle. Perhaps when the White House extracts itself from the mother of all foreign invasion fuck ups they will take the time to acknowledge that and ensure that never again do the American people have to settle for a ‘Mission Accomplished’.