Bouncy Castle Bollocks

It’s hard being a parent. As well as remembering to feed them and check on them when you leave them locked in the car out in the pub car park, you have to find things to do with them at the weekends.
Time waster of choice in our house at the moment is the bouncy castle, and the sprog and I fit in some bounce time most weekends. But here’s the thing. It isn’t a bouncy castle; it’s a bouncy teapot. Whoever heard of a bouncy teapot? No one. That’s why we all still call it a bouncy castle. Luckily Frankie hasn’t asked me why we refer to it as a bouncy castle, but what if she does? That’s something they haven’t covered on Doctor Phil or Oprah. And it does beg the question why someone felt compelled to bother creating another bouncy object when the castle has served the children of the world so well.
Was it an entrepreneurial bouncy castle employee who spied a niche in the market? Did he talk to some kids and find out that while the castle and its princess and dragon connotations were all well and good, what they really fantasized about bouncing inside, was a teapot? Did he take this idea to his boss in the form of a power point presentation? Was he laughed out of the bouncy boardroom? Or bounced out??? Did that propel him to go out and form his own bouncy business. Is he the apple to Microsoft in the bouncy shit for children to play on world? Just seems like a waste of time. Especially when there are so many untapped opportunities in the bouncy castle world. For example, why not build houses the way they make bouncy castles? In earthquake prone places, like china, you wouldn’t get horrific body counts. The buildings would wobble around, which would be fun for the kids, and then it would be all over. In a hurricane the houses wouldn’t blow over and debris wouldn’t blow around and hurt people. The houses would just blow away. Come home drunk to a bouncy house and it doesn’t matter is you fall over on the stairs. Drive home drunk and run into the side of your house and you just bouncy off. Next morning when the wife throws the toaster at you that will hurt like hell, but when you hit the floor unconscious, you don’t end up with secondary injuries.
I guess what I am getting at is the bouncy castle industry needs to stop jumping around and have a good think about what they already have. There is so much unexplored potential with the castles; I just don’t see the need to go off designing teapots.

The faulty jumping penis and other plastic tales.

I saw these day glow giant shrimp salad servers the other day in one of those gift shops rich husbands let their wives start up to give them something to do. The salad servers were made in China. It got me thinking about the guy who makes them. What does he tell people he does for a job. He wouldn’t say, “I make day glow salad servers shaped like giant shrimps.” He would sound like a dick. He probably says, “I’m in the plastics industry”, or “Manufacturing” or “The food service industry”.
But I bet the guy that makes the Manchester United salad servers tells everyone he is making Manchester United salad servers. They love football in Chine. He would be a star. He’d be the popular guy at the party. People would want to try and be friends with him in the hope he would give them a set. Maybe the two salad server guys work in the same factory and in keeping with the old communist tradition of rewarding the hardest workers, the hardest workers get to work on the coolest stuff.
Dressing the spice girl reunion tour dolls would be a popular gig. So would working on the Bratz doll production line. Or the My Little Pony Lunch Box with built in water bottle production line. The most unpopular job would be taking the sharp bits of plastic off the Chinese communist party headquarters Lunchroom chopsticks.
No one wants to see a pair of those in their Xmas stocking. “Hey kids look what I bought you home from the plastic factory. Chopsticks”. In Chinese plastic factory worker lingo this kind of job is called ‘Sucky sucky’.
How about the x rated plastic products. What if you worked on the production line that turns out those little wind up jumping penises? How would you explain that to your mum?
I guess you would say you work in the novelty section of the factory. Would there be a tester for a product like that. A person who winds up jumping cocks all day? What kind of parameter would they have for pass and fail? Would the penis have to hop a certain distance to qualify for a pass? What if it doesn’t? Does it go in the jumping penis reject box? Does the box go in the lunchroom with a sign that says ‘Reject jumping penises. Help yourself’. Maybe the guy from the chopstick production line grabs a couple and inserts chopsticks in them and tells friends they are mobile chopstick holders. Might not be as warmly received as a set of Man U salad servers but it would get a few laughs.

China should stop toying with Taiwan.

When I was 8 years old I completely understood the China Taiwan situation. Every toy I ever saw had Made in Taiwan stamped on the bottom. What country wouldn’t want to claim Taiwan for itself?
But as I grew up, and became wiser and more informed I realised just how wrong I had been about the situation. There are plenty of other countries making toys that are a lot cooler. Maybe the Chinese leaders don’t know this. If they did I am sure they would lose interest in the place. Of course the Americans are always going to stick up for Taiwan. China getting in there would be their worst nightmare. First thing the Chinese would do is stop making the packets of little green American Soldiers, tanks and jeeps and start popping out packets of little red soldiers, tanks and jeeps.