Santa Bollocks.

So here we go again. That time of the year where all the stranger danger we instill into our kids is undone. The time of year where we take our kids to the mall and tell them to go sit on the lap of the strange old man and get a sweetie from him. This is the guy, we tell our kids, who will creep into their bedroom on Christmas eve and give them a present. But only if they have been good, because this old man has been watching them all year. He knows what they have been up to. Seen an old man hanging around outside your kid’s school this year? Don’t call the cops, it’s probably just Santa in disguise. We even leave out milk and cookies so Santa can take a break form prowling around our kids bedrooms. My dad used to leave out a beer, he thought Santa would like that more. Imagine if Santa had a beer at every house he stopped at. Hell, even if he only had one at every 20th house, he’s still be completely trashed after a couple of hours on the job. This year I am leaving out some carrot sticks and a low fat yoghurt. Lets face it, the guy is a heart attack waiting to happen and I don’t want him keeling over in daughters bedroom. 12 Reindeer? To pull that lump of lard and a sack ful of presents? Bet Doner and Blitzen and Rudolf and the gang wouldn’t mind if the old boy lost a few kg’s.

Thank you for bombing countries faraway from you America.

The US Space Program gave us velcro and the cordless drill. US long range bombing gave us mid air refueling, and it is this technology that allows Santa to get around the world in 24 hours. Think about it. If he had to keep stopping for reindeer food and more presents he’s never get it done. So each year when he takes of in his sleigh, another, super sized sleigh crewed by specially trained elves, also takes off loaded with reindeer food, presents and red bulls for Santa. Here’s another little bit of Christmas trivia you might not know about. Ever wondered where all the reindeer wee and poo goes? In the old days they used to just take a dump on whatever roof they were on at the time. In the 50’s, America paid Santa to make his reindeer unload over Russia just for a laugh. But after some bad PR Santa’s people had to review their operation and came up with a solution that the special forces use. Santa and his Reindeer now poo in bags and take the waste with them. There’s a conversation starter when you sit down for Christmas dinner this year.