My big band idea. (big as in BIG, not trumpets and shit)

I don’t have enough musical talent to fill the little red helmet of a Playmobil fireman. But if I was ever in a band and lets say for the sake of this spiel it was called Feelings, but with a z to give it that retro feel. And lets assume we got to release an album. Then I would call it ‘Feelingz Greatest Hits Volume One’. I might even put a Z instead of S on hits but that decision would have to be a band vote cause it might be a bit over the top. But back to the genius of the Album name. It would be our greatest hits because we wouldn’t have any other songs. And people would assume we were really good and they would be embarrassed they hadn’t heard of a band that had enough hits to warrant a Greatest Hits album, so they would buy it. And the other great thing about this idea is you could avoid ever going through the hassle of going through the whole ‘what should we call our album?’ drama. Volume 1,2,3 and so on. We would never have to stress over the name thing again which would leave us free concentrate on the important part of being in a band. Deciding what artwork to use on the t-shirts. And the quality of the laminates for the backstage passes.

Coolest band name I ever heard about was an Aussie group who played the pub circuit called ‘Free Beer’. As you can imagine with posters outside that read ‘Free Beer Tonight’ they always played to really big crowds. Genius.

China should stop toying with Taiwan.

When I was 8 years old I completely understood the China Taiwan situation. Every toy I ever saw had Made in Taiwan stamped on the bottom. What country wouldn’t want to claim Taiwan for itself?
But as I grew up, and became wiser and more informed I realised just how wrong I had been about the situation. There are plenty of other countries making toys that are a lot cooler. Maybe the Chinese leaders don’t know this. If they did I am sure they would lose interest in the place. Of course the Americans are always going to stick up for Taiwan. China getting in there would be their worst nightmare. First thing the Chinese would do is stop making the packets of little green American Soldiers, tanks and jeeps and start popping out packets of little red soldiers, tanks and jeeps.

Lucky for America that Al Qaeda can’t multi task.

I’m pretty sure Osama Bin Bung Kidney hasn’t sent out an email like this.

"Hi team, just got time for a quick email before the CIA spy drone is due for it’s next fly by. Firstly, congratulations to Achmed from accounts for winning the ‘Where’s Binny this week?’ staff competition. He correctly picked the small village on the Afghan/Pakistan border which, for security reasons, I cant name. Too be honest after this long on the run all these bloody villages are starting to look the same to me. Except for one I crashed at last Thursday. They had little individually wrapped soaps in the bathroom of the guesthouse. Nice touch. Just cause you live in the mountains doesn’t mean you can’t have a bit of style. Achmed wins the ‘I worked out where Bin Laden was, why cant you America’ t-shirt.
Now to business. Don’t worry; I’ve been listening to the grumblings around the water cooler. I know things are a little crazy at the moment. No one said a global Jihad was gonna be easy, but we have really got our hands full with wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. The organization has grown hugely in the past few years you will have noticed a whole lot of new faces at Friday drinks. Given the current workload we have decided to put all plans for terror attacks on the American mainland on hold until we get things under control in the Middle East. And lets hope America doesn’t invade any more countries because I just don’t think we can handle any more work.
OK that’s it from me. I’m off to film some scenes for the international news networks to use when they do stories on me. Apparently they’re sick to death of the ‘Me walking down the steep hill with a stick’ and ‘Me firing a machine gun at a target’ footage."

BUT, the American government are using this angle as one of the bullshit pills they force feed the public. It sounds even more tragic when you hear this theory being regurgitated by GI’s stuck in Iraq who are trying to rationalize their involvement in this crappy war.