MY NEW BOOK IS OUT NOW

If you only buy 83 books this year, make sure Printmen is one of them. If you liked my stickmen books as much as my mum did, you will love this. Unless you hate fingerprints made into little people say stupid stuff, in which case you will hate this book.

HERES WHAT THE EXPERTS ARE SAYING ABOUT THE BOOK THAT HAS THE WHOLE WORLD TALKING*

‘If the guys from Weta can work out how to animate this, I’ll make the movie.’
P Jackson

‘Get out of my hotel room or I’ll call the police!’ J K Rowlings

‘Jesus. They made a book out of that?’ the Pope

‘How did you get this number?’ Barack Obama

‘How did you get this number?’ Osama Bin Laden

‘I have no fingerprints. They were burned off in a fight on a planet of lava with Obi Wan Kenobi.‘ Darth Vader

*for the purposes of this post 'the whole world' is defined as my immediate family.

New releases by Bin Laden and Britney.

The titan of terrorism and the princess of pop are back and it has been a while. After wisely waiting till after Elvis Presley’s 30th anniversary these two big names are making a quest to hit the headlines again.

While Britney’s time off from the music industry has been documented every sticky step of the way, Binny has opted for a more quiet approach spending time at his luxury cave complex in the mountainous Pakistan Afghan border region. No messy divorces for Mr Laden the biggest controversy of the last few years was to become the face in an advertising campaign for a range of all terrain dialysis machines. A move that some of his fans labeled as a sell out. But with that behind him he his back, like Miss Spears, to doing what they do best.

You have to change and evolve to keep the audience interested these days and like Britney, Bin laden’s stylists have gone for a new look. The coloured and shorter beard makes him look younger. Rumour has it that Britney’s team was also considering a beard till they found out Bin laden had beat them to it.
Britney will kick off her come back with a performance at the MTV awards. Bin Laden was lined up to present ‘Best Video filmed in a cave, but opted instead to be guest speaker at the launch of the 2007 model AK47.

There is one big difference between Britney and Binny of course and that is the length of their respective releases. Britney’s ‘Gimme More’ comes in at the standard 3 to 4 minutes while Bin Laden has gone for an epic 30 minutes. Time will tell whether this was a wise move when success depends on the buy in from those short attention spanned Gen Xers.
In the end the audience will decide whether Britney and Bin reclaim their status at the top of the popular people pile or slip down into the slope into Hasbeenville. Hopefully not matter how fierce the professional rivalry between them they can still take time out to visit each other’s tour buses, share a Mojito and non-alcoholic pina colada and talk about what a loser that Kevin Federline is.

Bobby & Binny

You remember Bobby Brown. He had some hits in the late 80’s and since then has concentrated on hits on the crack pipe. Well he must have enough money left to hire the world’s greatest PR people because you have to be good to come up with the kind of story they put out last week. Bobby announced to the world that Osama Bin Laden had at some stage, wanted him dead so he could marry his ex missus, Whitney Houston. Now I know what you’re thinking. This was timed to come out with Bobby’s tour of Australia as a way of generating publicity and letting Australia’s crack dealers know he is on the way. No way. No one could make this kind of shit up. And once you stop to think about it, it seems so obvious.
Stuck in a cave, somewhere on the Afghan/ Pakistan border, Bin laden only has his dialysis machine and a pile of Whitney Houston Cd’s to keep him company. It stands to reason that he would put the war on terror on hold to focus his amorous attentions on a burnt out crack addict. It probably wasn’t Whitney’s music that put her on Osama’s lust radar. It would have been her riveting performance in the cinematic masterpiece ‘Bodyguard’.
If George W Bush was a smarter man (as opposed to an ex alchoholic, drug taking spoilt rich kid who was installed as a puppet president to give the illusion of democracy so George seniors cronies can push through their own agenda) he would use Whitney to lure Osama out of hiding. Get her to announce a big concert in Islamabad. Wait till she is halfway through ‘I will always love you’ then nuke the stadium. Mind you, that could lead to some American casualties. There are bound to be a few entertainment press in the crowd as well as Whitney’s drug rehab buddy and her crack dealer. It might be easier just to take out the corporate boxes with a few cruise missiles. Al Queda are bond to have a corporate box. Osama would be right at home up there. It would be just like being in his cave but with a better view and a fully stocked bar.

Al Qaida, Al Qa’ida, el-Qaida, al Qaeda?

No wonder they can’t find Osama Bin laden, no one knows how to spell the name of his company. George Bush probably sent him a really terse letter on September 12 telling him to hand himself in to the nearest US Embassy or KFC in Afghanistan but he never got it because they wrote Al Qida’s name wrong. If I worked for Al Queiada’s PR agency, which is probably based in Pakistan near the mountainous border with Afghanistan, because that’s where Osama is. I would be seriously looking at the branding problem. Can’t you see Osama in his cave hitting the roof each time he sees another report. Maybe that’s the cunning plan by the world’s media. To smoke him out into the open. Wait till he writes a letter of complaint to TV Guide about the consistent misspelling of one of the world’s most preeminent terrorist organisations, then track him down. While we are on the subject of tracking down Osama. Has anyone asked Readers Digest if they have his address? I moved home about 3 times and those guys always managed to find me and flood my mailbox with their crap direct mail. I don’t think Osama would fall for the old ‘This cardboard key could be the key to a real car’ but I bet the mailbox outside his cave still gets that rubbish, along with the bills for the kidney dialysis machine rental and catalogues for new AK47’s.

Lucky for America that Al Qaeda can’t multi task.

I’m pretty sure Osama Bin Bung Kidney hasn’t sent out an email like this.

"Hi team, just got time for a quick email before the CIA spy drone is due for it’s next fly by. Firstly, congratulations to Achmed from accounts for winning the ‘Where’s Binny this week?’ staff competition. He correctly picked the small village on the Afghan/Pakistan border which, for security reasons, I cant name. Too be honest after this long on the run all these bloody villages are starting to look the same to me. Except for one I crashed at last Thursday. They had little individually wrapped soaps in the bathroom of the guesthouse. Nice touch. Just cause you live in the mountains doesn’t mean you can’t have a bit of style. Achmed wins the ‘I worked out where Bin Laden was, why cant you America’ t-shirt.
Now to business. Don’t worry; I’ve been listening to the grumblings around the water cooler. I know things are a little crazy at the moment. No one said a global Jihad was gonna be easy, but we have really got our hands full with wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. The organization has grown hugely in the past few years you will have noticed a whole lot of new faces at Friday drinks. Given the current workload we have decided to put all plans for terror attacks on the American mainland on hold until we get things under control in the Middle East. And lets hope America doesn’t invade any more countries because I just don’t think we can handle any more work.
OK that’s it from me. I’m off to film some scenes for the international news networks to use when they do stories on me. Apparently they’re sick to death of the ‘Me walking down the steep hill with a stick’ and ‘Me firing a machine gun at a target’ footage."

BUT, the American government are using this angle as one of the bullshit pills they force feed the public. It sounds even more tragic when you hear this theory being regurgitated by GI’s stuck in Iraq who are trying to rationalize their involvement in this crappy war.

Terrorist scare in London a big blow to the IRA

According to the UK PM’s top terrorist advisor, the foiled car bomb plot shows that al Qaeda has imported the tactics of Iraq and Indonesia to Britain.
I understand the eagerness of the PM’s office to appear to be on the case and up to the minute on this event, but didn’t the IRA used to let off a load of car bombs back when Osama Bin Laden was still working out a logo and picking the furniture for al Qaeda’s head office?
Rather than rush to the press conference to start spouting out sound bites, the PM’s office should stop and think about what they’re saying. Another bigwig declared that this was international terrorism but it has the English homeland stamped all over it. The trigger in the Merc parked outside the nightclub failed to go off. Typical pommy workmanship. Bet the loser that built it wishes he had done the whole suicide thing, because he’ll be the most embarrassed terrorist in Britain at the moment.

Osama Bin Laden’s favorite show is the A Team

Remember the A Team back in the 80’s? They were a bunch of highly trained soldiers convicted of a crime they didn’t commit and on the run from the US Army. But they didn’t exactly keep a low profile did they. For a start they were hardly trying to blend in. Driving round in a big black van was bad enough but why Hannibal let B.A Baracas wear a Mohawk and three tons of gold round his neck I’ll never know. That aint gonna attract suspicion. And despite the fact that the full resources of the US army were dedicated to hunting them down, the A Team still found time to help out people in downtown LA every week. Sure the army couldn’t find them, but if a solo mother of one in a poor neighborhood was trying to run the burger joint her life savings had been put into, but was being forced to pay extortion money by the local bikie gang who were working for the local fat cat whose ulterior motive was to force the lady to sell the burger joint to him before the big motorway company bought the land at an inflated price, then she could find the A Team no problem. An episode of the A Team was only on for 1 hour a week and she had to find them in the first 5 minutes so there was enough time for them to help her. And every week people like her found the A Team. When you consider that it puts the hunt for Bin Laden in perspective. Watching re runs of the A Team from his remote cave somewhere on the rugged and inhospitable Afghan/Pakistan border, he must be feeling pretty confident that he’ll never be found.