Bang!

In Britain the Scots Guards Association is preparing 650 Christmas parcels for soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan but they have to take the crackers out because the RAF classify them as explosives and they are banned on their planes. I assume that rule doesn’t apply to the bombs their bombers carry or it wouldn’t make them a very effective air force.
But back to the crackers. Do you think a soldier in Iraq or Afghanistan really wants a cracker in a care package? In a country full of things that go ‘BANG!’ all the time is it really necessary? It’s a bit like giving a bar tender a bottle of booze for Christmas? Or giving a builder a present he has to assemble himself? Or giving a hooker a porno film?

Bendy straw bollocks

The way I see it the bendy straw was a complete waste of time. You can’t get anything out of a glass with a bendy straw that you can’t get with a normal straw. And do those few centimeters of bendiness really make it easier for you to get your lips around it?
When alien life forms come to post apocalyptic earth and start looking at all the stuff we have invented the few remaining survivors of the human race are in for some major embarrassment when the aliens question them about the bendy straw.
‘What is this?’
‘It’s a bendy straw’
‘How is this different to the normal straw?’
‘It’s bends near the top.’
‘Why?’
‘So you can……. Bend it.’
‘Why?’
‘….Ummm…. Hey have you seen these. They’re called post it notes. These are really useful.’
The aliens would totally get it if it were a bendy anal probe. You need something bendy if it is going up the poop canal. But a straw? I doubt they will say anything to our faces. But when they go back to their home planet, they are going to get a lot of intergalactic laughs telling their mates about how the earthlings wasted time and money inventing bendy straws.
There is an ad for Shell oil on the box at the moment. One more of those big budget hand jobs the oil companies put on, to try and convince you they aren’t running round raping the planet and ripping off the locals. So this Dutch guy watches his son finish a drink with a bendy straw and gets an idea for a drill the goes down AND across. Which the bendy straw would have done if it were upside down. But it wasn’t. Why? Cause while that might be useful for sucking oil out of the ground, you don’t need to do it to finish a chocolate milkshake.
Just think what the inventor of the bendy straw could have put his creative energy, time and effort into instead of the stupid straw. He might have invented cornflakes that don’t go soggy in milk. A music video concept for Shakira that doesn’t involve her dancing like a stripper for 3 and a half minutes. Or a better ending for the Matrix films. I don’t know who invented the bendy straw. Maybe they went onto bigger and better things. Maybe the bendy straw was the inspiration for the bendy bus. I hope so, because the bottom line is the Bendy Straw sucks.

Sweet Caroline. The dodgy truth.

So it turns out Neil Daimond got the inspiration for Sweet Caroline 40 years ago when he saw a picture of Caroline Kennedy beside her horse. She was about 9 because he fessed up to her at her 50th birthday.
It kind of changes the way you view some of the lyrics of the song eh.

Where it began, I can't begin to know when

(Yes you do. It was when you saw the photo of the 9 year old)
But then I know it's growing strong

(What is growing Neil?)
Oh, wasn't the spring, whooo

And spring became the summer

Who'd believe you'd come along


(If she did, I hope it was under parental supervision)

Hands, touching hands, reaching out

(your little secret eh)
Touching me, touching you

(that is known as bad touching Neil)
Oh, sweet Caroline

Good times never seem so good

I've been inclined to believe it never would


(you’re lucky the Secret Service didn’t arrest your arse)

You’ve got cock

Before the internet, email and spam, how did men find out about how to make their dicks bigger? We truly live in a magical age.
I'l tell you another incredible thing about the internet. Because I have written the words penis enlargement as one of the labels for this post, people searching 'penis enlargement' on the net will have this blog entry turn up as one of the results. If you are one of those men and are reading this, my question is why are you looking it up on the net? Don't you get 5 or 6 emails a week giving you all the details about how to get a more pronounced pecker? It's like Nigerian scam letters. They find you. These have to be two of the most popular spam emails in cyber space. Some smart spam scammer should combine them to create the ultimate bullshit story.

Dear Sir I am writing this with deep regard for your honorableness. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Matheiko Twathanass. Last year my husband died on a plane crash in Sth Africaa (news link attached). All they recovered form the charred wreckage of the plane was his huge 21 inch schlong for which he was famous in our village.
I have been left to care for my 8 children, but with no funds for my good self I have been forced to sell my husbands super sized man handle. It is currently being held in a chilled vault in Switzerland. All I ask is your help gaining access to what is rightfully mine and in return I will be happy to share a good portion of the length with you.