Mr bollocks

So I am on this road trip this weekend. The missus and the sprog are asleep, but I want to listen to some tunes up loud. Cunningly I had prepared for the eventuality as I had packed my trusty I shuffle.
Problem was, that when I loaded it last week I was in this Lah De Dah reflective, sunny mood where I felt like listening to acoustic strummy tunes and it was filled with stuff by David Gray and James Blunt.
Do you think David Gray wants to kick James Blunt’s arse, cause he was like the easy listening pommy guitar troubadour back when Blunt was fanging around in a tank and then as if traveling overseas and killing people at the tax payers expense wasn’t enough fun for one lifetime, he drops his camo gear, picks up a guitar and suddenly Blunt is the new Grey…….…or do they just shake hands when they meet at industry functions and say stuff like, ‘I really like your lyrics man, lets find a really fucked up African country and write a duet for them. Flick some of the royalties their way, get our photo taken with some skinny kids and score ourselves a few centimeters of exposure in Time magazine.

Anyway…back on the road what I really wanted to listen to was some loud guitars and if I couldn’t have then I didn’t want nuttin, so I dumped the shuffle and decided to think up
all the ‘Mr’ products I could.
Mr Chips, Mr whippy, Mr guy that cuts your keys whose name I cant exactly remember. I think it was Minute. And then I thought of Mr Mister Mister, the band, who as far as I know only ever had one hit. I could google them to find out more but I’m not really interested to be honest. In fact the Mr game lasted about as long as it took you to read about it. Wonder where they are now? Probably gearing up to play New Years Eve at the Niagra Falls Holiday Inn. ‘Take, these golden wings, and learn to fly, something, something,… up so high……again….. blah blah blah.

That was it really….That was what I thought I would write about. Obvioulsy looking back now I am not sure why I bothered, but when I started out I didn’t know it was going to end up like this did I? Bit like ‘You’re Beautiful’. I’m sure James didn’t mean that song to be such an annoying f#&*ing waste of 3 minutes and 33 seconds. So count yourself lucky by my reckoning you’ve only spent about 1 minute and 27 seconds reading this. Maybe a bit longer for all you slow readers who never had the gumption to invest in the speed reading course for only 39.95. Actually it will be a bit longer than 1 minutes 27 seconds because when I timed it I hadn’t put in the bit about the speed-reading course. I only thought of that now and I can’t be arsed going back and reading this again. I have proper stuff to write. Tonight it is a short story about a gold fish that works in a sex bar in Thailand but really wants to be a pilot. True story. Well it isn’t obviously. But it is one of the sort stories I am putting in me book. So that's something to look forward to. That and the New Years Eve Buffet at the Niagra Falls Holiday Inn. Brilliant apparently.

Santa Bollocks.

So here we go again. That time of the year where all the stranger danger we instill into our kids is undone. The time of year where we take our kids to the mall and tell them to go sit on the lap of the strange old man and get a sweetie from him. This is the guy, we tell our kids, who will creep into their bedroom on Christmas eve and give them a present. But only if they have been good, because this old man has been watching them all year. He knows what they have been up to. Seen an old man hanging around outside your kid’s school this year? Don’t call the cops, it’s probably just Santa in disguise. We even leave out milk and cookies so Santa can take a break form prowling around our kids bedrooms. My dad used to leave out a beer, he thought Santa would like that more. Imagine if Santa had a beer at every house he stopped at. Hell, even if he only had one at every 20th house, he’s still be completely trashed after a couple of hours on the job. This year I am leaving out some carrot sticks and a low fat yoghurt. Lets face it, the guy is a heart attack waiting to happen and I don’t want him keeling over in daughters bedroom. 12 Reindeer? To pull that lump of lard and a sack ful of presents? Bet Doner and Blitzen and Rudolf and the gang wouldn’t mind if the old boy lost a few kg’s.

Thank you for bombing countries faraway from you America.

The US Space Program gave us velcro and the cordless drill. US long range bombing gave us mid air refueling, and it is this technology that allows Santa to get around the world in 24 hours. Think about it. If he had to keep stopping for reindeer food and more presents he’s never get it done. So each year when he takes of in his sleigh, another, super sized sleigh crewed by specially trained elves, also takes off loaded with reindeer food, presents and red bulls for Santa. Here’s another little bit of Christmas trivia you might not know about. Ever wondered where all the reindeer wee and poo goes? In the old days they used to just take a dump on whatever roof they were on at the time. In the 50’s, America paid Santa to make his reindeer unload over Russia just for a laugh. But after some bad PR Santa’s people had to review their operation and came up with a solution that the special forces use. Santa and his Reindeer now poo in bags and take the waste with them. There’s a conversation starter when you sit down for Christmas dinner this year.

Posh Spice havin a Ball

Costume Malfunction? Maybe. But on closer inspection it does look a lot like Posh has a small right testicle tucked under her arm. Hers you think? Or is it a precaution she takes when she is away from David. He strayed once before. Maybe if she keeps hold of his nuts. Even just one of them, he will think twice about any offside play. Nervous times for David. I don’t think he would be worried about her losing his nut, she has an army of minders and it probably gets better care than the little sprogs it helped create. But how does he feel about her taking it out and showing it off to the world? And wouldn’t those hot stage lights make the poor little thing dry up? Maybe it is her way of saying to the world ‘I am making a sack load of money on this tour.’
I noticed it appears to be shaved. Maybe that’s so it doesn’t cause Victoria any chaffing. But that begs the question why she put it under her arm like that and didn’t wear it in a bag round her neck? Maybe that would have clashed with her costume. I bet Dave cant wait till the end of the Spice Girls tour when he can be reacquainted with his family and his right nut.

Gravy Bollocks

Why do they call it the Gravy Boat? Is it because it looks a bit like a boat? Tenuous link. Maybe after grandma has had a few sherries it starts looking like a boat.
I have heard of the Gravy Train. Why not call the gravy container the gravy train and then people would get it. Maybe they could make a little gravy server in the shape of a train.
But while we have the Gravy Boat, why doesn’t a gravy maker do ‘Gravy Boat in a bottle’ and it is a bottle of gravy and when you have poured out all the gravy there is a boat in there. You wash it out and have your very own ‘Gravy Boat in a bottle’ on the bookshelf to impress you friends. You could collect a set of them and you wouldn’t know what boat you had till your bottle of gravy was running low.