Things are blowing up in Iran

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has been in the news talking about explosions again. But this time he wants a population explosion.
This week, the president who's name is used in tongue twister drinking games around the world (not Iran) has told his people to get out and make the earth move, or get into bed and make the earth move. Whatever floats your boat. Cant help but feel this is sending mixed messages to the good people of Iran but I bet they like the second message better.
Iran have a two child policy which I think works a little better than the 2.5 kids model. It's the half a kid I always worry about. Not only because they would get picked on in school but also the extra strain on the medical services with all these mutant half children walking about. Or dragging themselves along the footpath with their hands if they are only a top half. A family with two parents and kids is called a nuclear family. I'm glad President Ahmadinejad didn't go on about nuclear families in his statement, that would just be a red rag to Israel and United State's bull wouldn't it.

Iranian Missile Crisis

Saw this headline and can't help wondering what all the fuss is about. I mean, if it takes that long for an Iranian Missile to get to America it must going really really slow. Even a guy in a micro light with an air rifle could probably get up there and shoot it down. I have a better idea Iran. Why don't you get DHL to deliver your missile. They could get it to America in a few days.
If the Iranians really want to cause carnage in the west they should talk to Iceland about borrowing one of their volcanoes. How many more do they have hiding under the glaciers? And speaking of glaciers, I thought Al Gore reckoned they would all be gone by now. Maybe if global warming was a little more advanced and all the glaciers were gone we would be able to spot those troublesome volcanoes that have been hiding under the ice.

It isn’t Iran that has wiped Israel off the face of the earth. It’s Ikea

Maybe the pen really is mightier than the sword.
Check out this is giant map of the world I found on sale at Ikea in Abu Dhabi.
Now take a close look at the in-house modifications they’ve made. With a flick of the wrist, Israel has been removed.

How do you bomb knowledge?

The US Government’s 16 intelligence agencies have come out and said that Iran halted its nuclear ambitions in 2003. A very intelligent move for once. They saw how their colleagues were hung out to dry in the wake of the failure to find WMD in Iraq, so rather than keep quiet now and help Bush with his plan to bomb Iran back to the stone age, they have decided to implement and arse covering maneuver and come out with the truth now.
So what does Bush do? Change the rules.
Suddenly it is not about having the facilities to build nuclear weapons. It is having the ‘knowledge’. Maybe the Iranian nuclear scientists should hand themselves into the men in black. Tommy Lee and Will Smith could wipe their minds with those little flash things and they would be free of the knowledge. Failing that how do you do fight knowledge?
I suspect Bush’s answer is that same as the solution to the Iran problem last week.
You bomb.

The sanctions against Iran they don’t tell you about in the news.

Iran has been hit by US sanctions. This is like a teaser, an entrée if you will to being hit by cruise missiles. Sanctions work. Just look at the effect they had on Saddam…..
Anyway, the Yanks have come along way since then. Perfected their sanctions. They have learned to hit the enemy where it hurts. As well as the sanctions you read about in the paper there are other, far more hard hitting ones that you wont hear about in the mainstream press. These are the ones so nasty the Americans prefer to keep them out of the public eye. Sanctions that just seem plain cruel.
But when you are trying to bring an evil terrorist supporting oil laden nation to its knees, a super power has gotta do what a super power’s gotta do.
Here are some of the secret sanctions.

- A ban on the release of Dan Browns follow up to the DaVinci Code.
- No new episodes of Sponge Bob Square Pants or Family Guy.
- No new American movies to be released in Iran except ones with Lindsay Lohan in.
- A ban on all stuffed crust pizzas at Iranian Pizza Huts.
- A ban on all travel by Americans to Iran except for Michael Jackson, OJ Simpson and the guy who went on Thats incredible with the miniature plane that had flies super glued to it (cruel bastard).
-No new Gillette blade technology. 4 blades, 5 blades… who knows how many those geniuses art Gillette will manage to stick on a razor. But Iranian men will have to make do with 3.

But it doesn’t stop with sanctions. The US is also activating a covert operation that will see a group of highly trained agents dropped inside Iran tasked with causing maximum disruption. Members of this team include TV evangelist Benny Hinn, Paula Abdul, David Caruso, Liza Minnelli, the guy who invented spray on tan and 34 Mormons with bicycles.

Brand Old

In Sri Lanka these factories are banging out jeans. That’s the easy bit. What takes time is all the extra effort they have to go to, to rub the jeans with sandpaper and wash them over and over to get them looking really old. But the Sri Lankan's don’t mind because they get to charge more for older shittier looking clothes. Mental when you think about it.
Imagine if the same trend took off with cars. You could buy a brand new Ferrari and for a bit more cash they could get little men to take to it with rocks and car keys. After scratching and denting the body they would attach doors that had been soaking in seawater so they were all rusty.
You would even have the option of a cracked windscreen so when you drove that car down mainstreet it looked like it had been places. If that trend took off it would be great for the makers of Humvees. The new H3 sucks. It looks like a suburban mums kid bus. Why not ad a little credibility by giving every new H3 a tour in Iraq to ‘age’ it. Nothing like real bullet holes and blood stained seats to add to that authentic all terrain look. Forget the cup holder and cigarette lighter. In a genuine Iraq conditioned Humvee you get an M16 gun rack and a place to stick your field dressings. Of course the war worn H3 would cost a little more depending on how many tours it had done. And maybe you pay more for a Humvee out of Iraq than Afghanistan because that is a more popular war. By popular I mean Iraq is in the news more. Maybe when America gets round to bombing Iran the Humvee people will be able to put a few H3’s near the Iranian nuclear plants to soak up some of those cruise missiles blasts. Imagine being the first stockbroker on your block to be driving a humvee that was conditioned in Iran with genuine US military hardware.

Terrorist scare in London a big blow to the IRA

According to the UK PM’s top terrorist advisor, the foiled car bomb plot shows that al Qaeda has imported the tactics of Iraq and Indonesia to Britain.
I understand the eagerness of the PM’s office to appear to be on the case and up to the minute on this event, but didn’t the IRA used to let off a load of car bombs back when Osama Bin Laden was still working out a logo and picking the furniture for al Qaeda’s head office?
Rather than rush to the press conference to start spouting out sound bites, the PM’s office should stop and think about what they’re saying. Another bigwig declared that this was international terrorism but it has the English homeland stamped all over it. The trigger in the Merc parked outside the nightclub failed to go off. Typical pommy workmanship. Bet the loser that built it wishes he had done the whole suicide thing, because he’ll be the most embarrassed terrorist in Britain at the moment.

Bombing Iran. Be part of the action and buy the soundtrack.

Cost money to bomb the hell out of foreign countries and the Pentagon in an effort to soften the blow on the American tax payer without compromising the blow to the Iranians has formed a record company and they plan to release a soundtrack album to their upcoming attack.
The theme song will be a rerecording of the 80’s hit by the Flock of Seagulls ‘I ran’. Other tracks on the album may include Saturday Nights Alright for fighting but this depends on the bombing happening on a Saturday. If it happens at the start of the week it will be ‘Tell me why I don’t like Mondays’ but recorded by a popular Iranian singer.

The soundtrack to the war is just the start of a plethora of self-funding plans that are being implemented to make ‘War pay its way’. An exciting use of technology is the plan to install web cams on the cruise missiles to allow viewers to experience a first hand look at the leveling of Iran’s nuclear sites. ‘Go in with the first wave’ is the slogan for the cruise cams. The beauty of these little babies is they are programmed to detach moments before the missile hits. The camera then parachutes down to earth and becomes a bomblet, which will explode when the emergency services turn up to look for the charred bodies of Russian nuclear technicians in the ruins. Cruise cam subscribers will have to pay more to stay logged on for the second phase of the operation.

Another exciting project being considered is sending in CIA spy drones to scrape up radioactive debris from around the bombsites and sell it off in special radioactive proof glass boxes on EBay. Be the first guy in your office to have a piece of Iran’s nuclear program on your desk. Cruise missiles make a big hole in the ground but they don’t need to make a big hole in the American taxpayers pocket thanks to the bean counters at the Pentagon.

Americas aerial landscaping of Iran. Put September in your diary.

The War President has told the American people that they can expect to know if the surge is working around September. The evidence will come out that the surge has not worked not matter how much spin Bush tries to put on it. So what happens then? Bush isn’t going to admit defeat. He has publicly stated that the US won’t leave Iraq while he’s in charge. Lack of public support for the war and his Titanicesque ratings haven’t put him off. He is in this to the end. What he needs is a distraction and a chance to refocus the public’s attention on the worldwide war on terror. So I am predicting that around September is when Iran is going to get a visit from some heavy-duty made in the USA airborne ordinance. I’ve bogged about this before so I’ll try not to repeat myself. On paper it might seem crazy to provoke a new fight, the American military is overstretched as it is. But this wont be an invasion. This will be a powerful concentrated attack on Iran’s nuclear capabilities. Think about it. Neither the Saudi’s nor the Israelis want to see Iran gain nuclear capabilities. Sure Saudi Arabia and other Arab nations will denounce the attack but behind closed doors they want it to happen. There is no way Israel will ever let Iran get the bomb but the yanks know Israel cant attack Iran because that would force the other Arab countries to side with Iran and possibly trigger a bigger middle east conflict. No. The yanks will do it because everyone wants it. And when Iran responds that will be the perfect ammunition for the Republicans to use in their assault on the 2008 presidential race.

Bombing Iran and saving the Republicans. The relaunch of the War on Terror.

The democrats lost the 2004 election thanks to the war on terror. The Republicans did a masterful job of fanning the flames of fear and implying that the Democrats were soft on terror. Even though Kerry was a Vietnam Vet facing off against a spoilt rich kid whose military service consisted of a cushy fighter pilot gig with the National Guard that he didn’t even complete. Despite that the Republicans managed to sell Bush as the people’s warrior and Kerry as the wimp.

Now, in 2007 the majority of Americans seem to have finally woken up to the fact that their government was bullshitting them about Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction and the links with Al Qaeda. And that they have been dragged into a war on false pretences. Public opinion has turned against the war and it seems that it will be the war in Iraq that will get the Democrats into the White House.

So what could save the Republicans? How about the Department of Homeland security suddenly uncovering evidence of a new terrorist threat. Remember how they used to conveniently come up with reasons to lift the threat risk from light orange to dark orange during the last election? But would the American people fall for that old line this time? Probably not. What the Republicans need is an actual attack. That’s why I think their strategists will push to go in and bomb Iran.

Think about it. They produce ‘credible intelligence’ that the threat had to be dealt with urgently. A few pictures in the UN a secret Iran ‘source’. They blow up some shit using cruise missiles and stealth bombers and Bush goes on TV chest puffed out looking like a ‘War President’ and telling the world that once again America has saved the free world from impending doom. And at the same time implying that if the Democrats were in power they wouldn’t have done anything.

Are the American people dumb enough to fall for this? Yes, some of them are. But here is the beauty of this plan. Iran will respond to an attack from America. They have made no secret about that. They probably aren’t stupid enough to do it through conventional warfare. They would get their arse kicked. They will plan attacks on soft American targets around the world. Once that starts happening, the war on terror is back on the front page and the Republicans can say ‘Do you trust the Democrats to protect you America? You need us to save you now more than ever.’ Are the American people dumb enough to fall for that? Yes. Lots of them are. Enough, I am guessing, to get the Republicans back into office. And that is why I think Iran is going to get got in the near future.

Frogs, fries and bunnies

So I met all these French sailors at my local last night. Did you know the French still had a navy? When I think of French seamen I think Napoleon and big arse sailing ships and cannon balls. Maybe that would be a good way for the French to go. After all the damage they did in the Pacific with their nuke testing, maybe they could redeem themselves by going back to using wooden sailing ships and have the worlds first carbon neutral navy. Anyway the funniest bit of the night was watching a Frenchman eating french-fries. I mean that probably isn’t funny for French people they probably get that gag served to them all the time (In much the same way people from Afghanistan get hassled when they eat afghan biscuits) or maybe they don’t. French Fries were originally called Pomme frites. Do you think the poms took offence and said ‘Alright old chum, if you call them pomme frites we will know them as French fries.
Maybe.
Back to the new look old style French navy. If their ships were wooden they wouldn’t show up on radar and that’s a good thing if you’re a warship right? If the British had been in a wooden ship maybe they might not have got busted by the Iranians a few weeks back. Wonder if the pommy navy serves pomme frites? Speaking of the English sailors that had a free holiday in Iran. You know how they were returned home as an Easter gift by the president of Iran? Don’t you think it would have been quite funny if he had wrapped them up like Easter eggs? You know just for a bit of fun. Or had a man dressed as the easter bunny escort them home in a giant basket. There isn’t enough humor in international politics these days.