Brewery bollocks and dorks in town.

Imagine a brewery going to a town and setting up bars in a couple of suburbs and supplying all the people who lived there, with so much free beer that it created alcoholics a huge rise in crime and domestic disturbances and generally destroyed those neighborhoods.
Then, just before the head of the brewery retires from his job, he flies into the town and visits a different suburb that he has been supplying tons of beer to for even longer. As a result this area has suffered from many similar booze related problems and is generally seen by the rest of the world as a bit of a mess.
But the purpose of the Brewery bosses trip to this suburb he tells anyone that will listen, is to try and help them get rid of their bars. To stop the supply of beer and help deal with the drunks.
Wouldn’t that seem a bit odd?

That’s the analogy I’ve cooked up with after seeing George Bush bleat on and on about his trip to the middle east and hope for peace in Israel on telly.

He’s coming to my town tomorrow. Last time I saw George W was in Rome in June. We were both there for one day, on the same day. He probably wont remember me. But George, if you do read this, I was the tattooed guy with the black t shit on, who gave you the finger as you raced past in your super duper bullet and bomb proof limo.
I imagine he’s packed the same set of wheels for this trip.
By the way George, the reason I flicked you the bird as you went past, wasn’t because you rode into power on the coat tails of your old man and stole the election, with the help of your brother Jed in Florida, who I assume is being groomed to keep the dynasty going.
It wasn’t because you and the dodgy old men who pull your strings, used the 911 tragedy to fulfill an agenda in Iraq that had already been planned. Or that your invasion was so poorly thought out, so badly run, by men with no military experience, who refused to listen to those with military experience, that an already dangerous situation was made thousands of times worse. Like the disbanding of the Iraqi police and army, against the advice of experts on the ground in Iraq, who predicted, quite rightly that this would simply drive those unemployed and hungry men to the insurgency.
It wasn’t because of the fact that despite all the evidence of the insurgency and civil war happening in Iraq, you continued to bullshit the American people for months, until it was so obvious that even you realized you couldn’t get away with the denial anymore.
Or the fact that because, in large part, due to your actions, America is disliked on the international stage far more now than when you came to power.
It also wasn’t because of the fact that while you have been happy to take the war to the terrorists overseas (although you haven’t caught the main ones you went after) your people at home. The ones you are supposed to care about, are worse off than ever and now facing a recession and a record deficit.
It wasn’t really any of these things on that particular hot summers day in Rome George.
All those things piss me off no end, but that day it was because of the massive security triggered by your visit. Security that is required because of how hugely unpopular you are. Security that meant there were no taxis in town.
That meant we had to walk for 2 hours to get back to our hotel and for most of that I had to carry my daughter on my shoulders.
That pissed me off George. So don’t even think about giving me a call when you’re in town.

America reminds me of my toaster.

So I was thinking about how I saw George Bush in Rome a couple of weeks ago and it got me thinking about toasters. Mum still uses the toaster I grew up with. That thing has been through more bread than Michael Jackson. And I thought it would be the same when I bought my first toaster. I thought it was the start of a long happy relationship. But it wasn’t. Me and the missus are onto our third one now and the reason why is because they just don’t make things to last anymore. It seems to me the same can be said of Empires. I wonder if George pondered on the fact that the Romans Empire rose to power and stayed there for hundreds of years. But poor old America will be lucky to make a century as a superpower. Maybe that’s just the way things are in this fast paced world. Maybe trying to spread global influence takes a lot more than it used to. The disastrous wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are costing America lives, credibility and lots and lots of money. Will historians look back at Bush’s tenure as the beginning of the end of America the superpower? The Romans left us sandals, sewers, roads, gladiator films, aqueducts and Toga parties. America, we’ll always love you for your hamburgers, Hip Hop, Disneyland, Coca Cola, Prozac and Velcro. You will live on. The world will come to visit you and listen to tour guides talk about the days when America was the centre of the planet. And maybe in a few hundred years the leader of the current world super power will speed through the streets of Washington, gaze out at its buildings through the heavily tinted bullet, rpg and mini nuke proof glass and wonder where it all went wrong for the USA.

Me & George Bush in Rome

Arrived in Rome and noticed large numbers of police on the streets. Even the cops dress stylishly in Italy. Lots of them had these little purple cravat things round their necks so they kind of looked like security guards at the Playboy mansion. I thought maybe the heavy uniformed presence was a regular thing like Cairo, but no. Turns out George W Bush had chosen to celebrate the end of the G8 with a visit Rome the same day I did. I wondered if all the police on the streets meant the Italians wanted to arrest Bush to question him for his war crimes in Iraq or abuse of human rights in Qantanamo bay. But it turns out they were there to ensure he got through town quickly and efficiently. The Romans brought road to the world but you know how hairdressers often have bad haircuts and mechanics cars are always in need of repair. Well Rome’s roads are a shocker. I could see why the most powerful man in the world (after the inventor of the pushup bra) would need help getting out. After waiting 45 minutes while plain clothed cops on scooters raced up and down the road beeping their horns and me explaining to my daughter that we couldn’t cross the road because the leader of the free world was on the way, the Bush traveling circus raced up the street. 6 motorbikes, 4 or 5 local cop cars then three big fuck off black America limos with blacked out windows. The front one had its windows down and sitting there with the butt of his machine gun sticking up was a grumpy looking secret service agent. I suspect he had probably just paid the entrance fee to visit the Coliseum. That was followed by half a dozen more Italian cops cars, a couple of motorbikes and what looked appeared to be 4 Japanese tourists in a little blue Fiat who had taken a wrong turn. Although they could have been part of the Secret Service’s last line of defense ninja squad, because none of them were taking photos. Everywhere George goes he must see hundreds of people lined up on the street waiting. I wonder if he thinks they are all there to see him or if someone has told him it is because the cops wont let anyone cross the street. Soon he wont be president anymore. I think it will be very hard to adjust to life as a commoner after 8 years of never having to stop at traffic lights. Maybe they will let him keep the grumpy guy with the machine gun to help adjust to normal life. Actually with all friends he’s made round the world he’ll probably need a dozen guys with machine guns around him permanently. Sucked in.

Wearing out the sandals on the streets of Rome.

Rome. Famous for it’s sandals and giving the world toga parties. There are a few other things but those are two biggies. So I was buzzed about finally being able to visit the place. First thing you notice is that Italians dress really well. Maybe it’s because they spent all that time wrapped in matching white sheets and now they want to make up for it.
Did you know the Romans also invented the toilet? I thought that was quite ironic because the one in our hotel room didn’t work.

We only had half a day in Rome so we went to the Coliseum. It looks really shitty but it is really old so that makes it ok. Thing is, there must have been a long period of time where the Coliseum was just shitty but not actually really old. During that time it could have been pulled down and replaced by something new but no one got around to it and then after a long time of no one doing anything, they suddenly realised that it was now really old and the whole shitty thing kind of worked in its favour. So the coliseum is really a great example to local body politicians round the world that sometimes just simply doing nothing can be good for you town.

Around the Coliseum there were men dressed like Roman soldiers that you could have you photo taken with. My daughter wouldn’t go near them till I explained to her that they were kind of like Santa in a short dress with a sword. After that she was all over them.
Skipped the Vatican but saw little pictures of the Pope for sale in souvenir shops everywhere we went. I thought a good Catholic Church souvenir would be a little jumping penis wearing a priest’s collar. I asked the lady in one of the souvenir shops if they sold anything like that but she was Korean and didn’t understand me.
Rome is a very civilized city. You go into a shop to buy your daughter an ice cream and there is a fridge full of beer. No wonder so many countries round the world submitted to Roman rule. Speaking of Roaming I’m off to Tuscany now for a 4 day tour of the locations used in that crappy Russell Crowe film where he made wine.