Michael Jackson. What a bum.

I don’t want to speak ill of the dead but he isn’t really dead is he. Like Elvis, MJ will live on in the collective memories of loyal groupies forever. Guys like him don’t go to heaven I reckon. They head to a special celestial PR firm. The fact he was a kiddy fiddler seemed to be counter balanced by his catchy pop songs. Maybe people would like OJ Simpson more if he had had a few radio hits. There is no doubt that Jackson was a tragic figure, too many people made too much money off the guy and that ultimately ended in his death. 50 gigs in London. What a joke. For me the thing that will always stand out is the fact he had paid someone to have a miniature version of his bum attached to his chin. I wonder if all the plastic bits get unbolted once he gets to the other side. Goodbye Michael. May you rest in pieces.

The sanctions against Iran they don’t tell you about in the news.

Iran has been hit by US sanctions. This is like a teaser, an entrée if you will to being hit by cruise missiles. Sanctions work. Just look at the effect they had on Saddam…..
Anyway, the Yanks have come along way since then. Perfected their sanctions. They have learned to hit the enemy where it hurts. As well as the sanctions you read about in the paper there are other, far more hard hitting ones that you wont hear about in the mainstream press. These are the ones so nasty the Americans prefer to keep them out of the public eye. Sanctions that just seem plain cruel.
But when you are trying to bring an evil terrorist supporting oil laden nation to its knees, a super power has gotta do what a super power’s gotta do.
Here are some of the secret sanctions.

- A ban on the release of Dan Browns follow up to the DaVinci Code.
- No new episodes of Sponge Bob Square Pants or Family Guy.
- No new American movies to be released in Iran except ones with Lindsay Lohan in.
- A ban on all stuffed crust pizzas at Iranian Pizza Huts.
- A ban on all travel by Americans to Iran except for Michael Jackson, OJ Simpson and the guy who went on Thats incredible with the miniature plane that had flies super glued to it (cruel bastard).
-No new Gillette blade technology. 4 blades, 5 blades… who knows how many those geniuses art Gillette will manage to stick on a razor. But Iranian men will have to make do with 3.

But it doesn’t stop with sanctions. The US is also activating a covert operation that will see a group of highly trained agents dropped inside Iran tasked with causing maximum disruption. Members of this team include TV evangelist Benny Hinn, Paula Abdul, David Caruso, Liza Minnelli, the guy who invented spray on tan and 34 Mormons with bicycles.

Pity poor Paris

We’ve seen Paris Hilton in her bikini, in Las Vegas, in crappy films, in a porno and now we might see her in jail. She’s been in thousands of bars now she is going to be behind bars. For driving her blue Bentley while disqualified. In the real world when you are fighting a prison sentence you hire a lawyer. In America you hire a publicist. But prison wouldn't be the end of the world for Paris. It can do wonders for your career. Just ask Martha Stewart. Everyone thought Johnny Cash did jail time and it just made him cooler. Maybe jail time will have an effect on the tone of her music (that could only be a good thing). Perhaps her lawyer could ask for a reduced sentence if she promises to take her album off the market and not to make music every again. Unless it is the soundtrack for another porno. Maybe she will come out with a new perfume – Freedom or Innocence. Paris’ mate Nicole Ritchie should get arrested (that wouldn’t be too hard) then they could make a new series of the Simple Life. The Hilton in Paris could theme some rooms like her jail cell and call it the Paris Hilton, Paris Hilton experience. When she gets out she can release a range of high fashion prison jumpsuits.
The judge says it was arrogance on Paris’ part. That she considered herself above the law of the common people. But she is. That’s why someone has started a petition to keep her out of jail, ‘Because she provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives.’ The petition just might work. In America money can’t buy you happiness but it can buy innocence. Just ask OJ and Michael Jackson.