Cows in Spaaaaaaaace, and sheep.

Scientists have found methane on a planet circling a sun like star. Cows and sheep generate methane… imagine if our first contact with life on another planet, turns out to be livestock? Maybe it is like Planet of the Apes but the Sheep and Cows rule. Maybe there is conflict going on between the two species as they fight for supremacy. Cows would make better commandos because they could survive my drinking their own milk when they were out secret mission. I think on Sheep Cow Planet, the Cows would be like the gorillas in Planet of the apes. They are the leaders, and the sheep…well they’re just sheep eh. They follow each other round and bleat about everything.
But. They live in the colder parts of the planet thanks to their wool, and maybe that’s where the oil is, so that gives them some power.
Wait till they meet us. There’s going to be an embarrassing moment when we have to explain that on our planet, we eat them. Maybe the first astronauts we send up there, should be vegetarians, otherwise, instead of we come in peace it would be more like ‘We come for your pieces… loins, kidneys, steaks, chops.. whatever, it’s all good.’
At least Charlton Heston could look those apes in the eye and say he’d never eaten one… laughed at a few, sure, but could we take the leader of another planet seriously when were staring at his overly full udder and wishing we had a glass or thinking how the wool on the back of the ambassador would make a nice jumper.
Maybe this is one planet we should steer clear of.

Cheap rip offs.

The planet is full of rip off designer hand bags, watches and perfume and recently, they busted a ring in Italy making rip off Ferraris.
But why stop there? China should make rip off cities. Imagine a New York or London, built somewhere in China, that tourists on a budget could visit.
There would probably be a few legal issues to get around. They might not be able to use the same names. New York City could be Newer York City. London could be Londone better, but if they built them all next to each other, you could travel between the world’s most famous cities on foot. Breakfast in Man & ladyhattan, the couple friendly city and a warm beer and a curry at the Freddy Mercury café in Buckingham palace home to the Queen Museum.

Easter Bollocks, Muffin bollocks

All the evidence tells us it is only a matter of time before life forms form another planet make contact. And we need to start thinking about planning for their arrival. This is a complicated planet. Take muffins for instance. Why aren’t they called small cakes? Cause that’s all they are. Is it because if you told your mum you wanted a small cake for breakfast she would clip you on the ear. Did the cake companies get together and decide to create ‘muffins’ as a way of tricking people into eating cake for breakfast?
And what about Easter. What do you have? A guy who was nailed to a cross till he died. A whole lot of bunnies and chocolate eggs…WTF! I understand that what we have here is a hotch potch of different traditions thrown into the celebration blender and given 2 minutes on high speed. But that’s no excuse! We need to sort this shit out otherwise, before you know it, aliens will come and check us out then go home and piss their pants telling stories to their alien mates about our messed up ideas.
I’m not talking about big overhaul, just a reordering of the main ideas so they form some kind of theme. You know the New York artist who did the big chocolate Jesus on a cross. He had the right idea. Chocolate is popular with the kiddies so lets run with that. But bunnies and eggs? Bunnies don’t lay eggs and I think it’s confusing for children. Chickens lay eggs, but they are so boring. In my house we have the Easter Turtles. Turtles lay eggs. Loads of them. I saw it on Discovery. So the Easter Turtle brings you more eggs. Plus they lay them in the sand so it is fun to dig for them.
But where do the chocolate eggs tie in with the crucifixion? When JC rose on the 3rd day did he ask for eggs for breakfast? Could that be the link? And they just made them chocolate for the kiddies. Why can’t you get chocolate crosses? Because of Vampires I reckon. You approach a Vampire with a chocolate cross who has a sweet tooth, then all he has to do is take one bite and it aint a cross anymore. I imagine that is one of the main reasons chocolate crosses have never taken off. Also melt to fast to make wearing them around your neck an option.
There are crosses on the buns. That makes sense. Hot and cross. Much the way Jesus must have felt when he realized he was going to have to take the rap for our sins. The bread is a nice tie in with the bread from his last supper although they had that with wine so it probably didn’t have raisins in, like hot cross buns do. Speaking of raisins… they look a lot like rabbit poo. Could that be the bunny link we need. Now if we can find evidence that they used colourful tin foil 2000 years ago we just might have cleared this mess up.