Easter Bollocks, Muffin bollocks

All the evidence tells us it is only a matter of time before life forms form another planet make contact. And we need to start thinking about planning for their arrival. This is a complicated planet. Take muffins for instance. Why aren’t they called small cakes? Cause that’s all they are. Is it because if you told your mum you wanted a small cake for breakfast she would clip you on the ear. Did the cake companies get together and decide to create ‘muffins’ as a way of tricking people into eating cake for breakfast?
And what about Easter. What do you have? A guy who was nailed to a cross till he died. A whole lot of bunnies and chocolate eggs…WTF! I understand that what we have here is a hotch potch of different traditions thrown into the celebration blender and given 2 minutes on high speed. But that’s no excuse! We need to sort this shit out otherwise, before you know it, aliens will come and check us out then go home and piss their pants telling stories to their alien mates about our messed up ideas.
I’m not talking about big overhaul, just a reordering of the main ideas so they form some kind of theme. You know the New York artist who did the big chocolate Jesus on a cross. He had the right idea. Chocolate is popular with the kiddies so lets run with that. But bunnies and eggs? Bunnies don’t lay eggs and I think it’s confusing for children. Chickens lay eggs, but they are so boring. In my house we have the Easter Turtles. Turtles lay eggs. Loads of them. I saw it on Discovery. So the Easter Turtle brings you more eggs. Plus they lay them in the sand so it is fun to dig for them.
But where do the chocolate eggs tie in with the crucifixion? When JC rose on the 3rd day did he ask for eggs for breakfast? Could that be the link? And they just made them chocolate for the kiddies. Why can’t you get chocolate crosses? Because of Vampires I reckon. You approach a Vampire with a chocolate cross who has a sweet tooth, then all he has to do is take one bite and it aint a cross anymore. I imagine that is one of the main reasons chocolate crosses have never taken off. Also melt to fast to make wearing them around your neck an option.
There are crosses on the buns. That makes sense. Hot and cross. Much the way Jesus must have felt when he realized he was going to have to take the rap for our sins. The bread is a nice tie in with the bread from his last supper although they had that with wine so it probably didn’t have raisins in, like hot cross buns do. Speaking of raisins… they look a lot like rabbit poo. Could that be the bunny link we need. Now if we can find evidence that they used colourful tin foil 2000 years ago we just might have cleared this mess up.

The tooth fairy must die.

We are going through that whole ‘remember to clean you teeth’ thing with our daughter at the moment and I’m playing my part. Backing up my wife with the round in circles up and down routine but what I really want to say is ‘Listen luv, flag the whole twice daily teeth cleaning thing. Your gonna lose them all anyway. They’re baby teeth, they’re temporary. Save yourself the time and hassle devote your time and energy to playing the Indian Stock Market and save your teeth cleaning efforts for the real fight when your proper teeth are ready.
And while we’re on the subject of teeth isn’t it time we re thought the tooth fairy thing?
As if parents aren’t being extorted for enough cash these days for the 55 million versions of Brat dolls or my favourite ponies, we have to stump up money for every tooth the little one loses.
How about we leave a credit note on the pillow. $2 off the $10,000 we are going to have to spend fork out to get your new teeth straightened. It’s only a matter of time before the kids realise that a solitary coin per tooth just aint gonna cut these days. They’ll start holding out for more and once one parent gives in all the rest of the kids in the class are going to start putting pressure on their parents.
I have plans to set up a service to help remove the growing financial threat of the tooth fairy. For a small fee you’ll be able to buy my kit. You wait till your kid has gone to bed the night they put out their first tooth and set it up. In the morning little Tommy is the first witness on the scene of a tragic accident. It will appear the tooth fairy in her eagerness to get away with her haul mistook the ultra clean glass for an open window. It wasn’t the crash that killed her. Or the fall to the bedroom floor. It was when she impaled herself on little Tommy's tooth.
Now in an effort to keep the costs down the model will not stand up to much scrutiny. I am betting on the fact that little Tommy will be so traumatized that he doesn’t want to go to close to the crash site. But just to be on the safe side parents are advised to dispose of the evidence quickly. Explain to your little one that in the unlikely event of an accident the Tooth Fairy had asked to be buried the same way as the goldfish, and head for the bathroom.
Like Santa there is only one tooth fairy. So the beauty of product is that only one parent in each class or neighborhood has to do the deed. Once Tommy spreads the word about the demise of the tooth fairy to his little mates none of them will expect to see her at their place.
Although we have had trouble with trying to create a fake blood that matches the viscosity of fairy blood, I expect to have ‘Fairy Fatality’ ready for launch in a few months.

Got a problem with your kids eating too much chocolate at Easter? I am also researching ideas for simple mishaps that could befall basket carrying bunnies.