Horny Thoughts

It’s funny how horns mean different things in different countries. In New Zealand if you beep your horn at another car it generally means ‘fuck you’. Sometimes it can mean ‘hi’ or ‘bye’. But 9 times out of 10 it means ‘fuck you’.
In Abu Dhabi there is a lot more horn action, but a lot less agro. The horn means many things in the UAE’s capital. ‘My taxi is empty, anyone want a ride?’ ‘How dare you slow down to turn into a side street’, ‘the light went green .0005 seconds ago get moving’. Horn use here isn’t personal. It’s simply a communication tool. Then you go to Cairo and horn use there is just out of control. I haven’t heard the Egyptian national anthem, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s played on car horns. It got me thinking about a way government’s could make more money. Horn credits. You get 1 minute’s worth of free horn time a year when you register your car and then you have to pay for extra. Obvioulsy people with novelty horns would get more credits as recognition for their efforts to do something a little different.

Hardcore tourists

I love airport bars. Perfectly respectable well-dressed people can get a drink or four without being judged at any time of day. Beer for breakfast, no problem. Bar staff at airports assume you just arrived from a different time zone or you’re afraid of flying and need a little liquid aid . The other week I was at Cairo airport at 9am. Beer was the last thing I felt like that morning. I was propped up at the bar inhaling double shots of espresso. Now if a bunch of English soccer fans has walked in I wouldn’t have given it a second thought but instead, up rock two cheery middle aged South Korean couples who scanned the menu and ordered a round of Heinekens. Their hardcore efforts were offset slightly by the fact that they ordered straws for their beer but it kind of added to their, ‘Watch out. We’re jet lagged, South Korean tourists and we’re getting drunk’ aura they had about them. Now every Korean tourist I’ve ever seen has a camera strapped to his or her hand. I think they are handed out by customs when they leave the Seoul airport. But these Koreans didn’t waste valuable drinking time by taking photos. You can guarantee the pommy soccer fans would have ‘Yeah mate, this is us on the piss at Cairo Airport. Guess what time it was? Go one you’ll never guess. Guess. Go on. Go on.’ Maybe the happy Heineken holidayers had so many photos of them sinking a few early morning brews that they had just stopped keeping records of the occasion. I had my camera so I snapped of a sneaky shot. If I had been busted I would have pretended I was taking a photo of the stunning knitted cap so I could get my grandma to make me one.

Hotel Security in Cairo.

I hate Cairo. If someone ever invents a giant steamcleaning unit that a city council could hire to come in and steam clean their city, and if that steam cleaning company decided to make a tv ad to promnote their service and if the ad agency suggested a tv concept that invovled a dirty dusty city thaqt needed a clean and a shiny sparking city that had just been steam cleaned the they could use Cairo as the before. But that said, they do have good hotel security. The x-ray machines and guards at the hotels make people feel more secure in these terrorist conscious times and the hotels love them. As well as bombs guns and box cutters coming, in the machines have also been set to detect hotel robes, towels and cutlery going out. Reducing theft by a whopping 28%. Another plus in the war on terror.

If the giant city steamcleaning unit got invented the owner probably wouldnt bother adveritisng in tv. I'd suggest DM to all the big citys. Maybe clean one for free. Or a bit. Go into Sydney and clean the opera house just to show what you can do.Or go into Amsterdam and clean up the redlight district. Well that's what you tell the wrld you are going to do and they think you mean get rid of all the hookers but you just clean the buildingas and everyone goes 'Ohhh, I get it' and mayors all round the world think I should get my city cleaned. Maybe the steamcleaning company hire the Queen of England or the Pope to do viral email where they say something like'I visit alot of cities and I like the ones that arent stinky and dirty so clean up you act.' That would get cities taking notice. when they get cleaned they could put a little logo on the city that shows up on google earth. Maybe they could also do an ad with an astornaut on the space shuttle. Get him to film cities from space and show us how the dirty citys look realy shitty from up there. He could imply that if you have a dirty city aliens wont bother to visit you. When a city was about to host the olympics the steamcleaning compnay could send them a letter saying 'Wanna look good for your big event?' Beijing would probably have to have the ultra heavy duty package. Maybe the Ameircans could give Bagdad a steamclean when they pull out their troops a a way of saying 'Sorry we fucked you country even more'.
And if the steamcleaners do find themselves in Bagdad maybe they could pop over to Cairo and do that town casue it needs it......... did I just write that all out loud?

WHERE’S THE POINT IN THE PYRAMIDS?

From the moment you get to Cairo they bang on about these pyramids that you just have to go and see. I’m here doing some work so I thought I might as well check them out. They are right next to the city, which is a smart move on the Egyptians part. Not like Disneyland in LA, which takes ages to get to. My taxi driver obviously had trouble understanding my English. I asked him to take me to the pyramids what he heard me say was “Can you take me to the pyramids but first stop at a Papyrus Museum so I can buy some shitty paper and you can get a nice kick back.
It was the first museum I have ever been to where you can by everything that’s on the wall. I’ve seen papyrus before. In the 70’s people in Pakuranga liked to put it in their garden. And I have seen papyrus paper. You find it at those hippy shops that sell incense, pocket sized horoscope books and sandals made of Ethiopian cowhide. But I didn’t tell the nice lady. I didn’t really get a chance, she didn’t stop talking. She condensed the making of papyrus paper from 5 or 6 days into an efficient 14 minutes with the use of some classic,’ Here is some I prepared earlier.’ TV kitchen show moves. Very Hudson & Halls. She showed me how papyrus is shaped like a triangle, like the pyramids. Nice link. I also noticed It is green the color of the American money which she was very keen for me to spend on her papyrus drawings. Another spooky link. Consumers are looking for an interactive, personal shopping experience these days. Nike offer to print your name on their shoes. The lady at the Papyrus museum has embraced this concept. She has a little helper with gold and black felt tips and will write your name in hieroglyphics on the papyrus painting of your choice. I paid a little extra and got her to write the name of a good friend. She had never heard of someone called ‘I paid way to much for this naff picture of an eye’. With my wallet a few bucks lighter it was finally off to the pyramids. My Taxi driver was obviously very proud of the Cairo’s number 1 tourist attraction. I didn't have the heart to tell him that they have one in Las Vegas that looks a lot better. Sure Cairo has a few of them in different sizes, but they all look a bit rough. Made with blocks of stone, they look like they have been put up in a bit of a hurry. So fast in fact that the council couldn’t agree what to put in them. The one in Vegas has a hotel and casino in it. The ones at Giza have nothing! Not even a café selling expensive scones and cold drinks. But maybe that’s so you have to buy water and coke from the men that wander around outside. Another cause for concern was the fact that they don’t appear to have even finished these pyramids. They didn’t have proper points on them. Maybe they ran out of money? Or perhaps they are saving up to put a big eye on it like the pyramid on American money, which is where I suspect they got the idea from. Good on Cairo for taking the initiative and building a tourist attraction. Even if it has been done before. Sure they look a bit rough now but I think Cairo has big plans for the future. They have made sure there is plenty of desert behind them, so if the place turns out to be popular with the tourists there will be no problem adding more pyramids. Maybe one with a casino and an inflatable one for kids.