Bendy straw bollocks

The way I see it the bendy straw was a complete waste of time. You can’t get anything out of a glass with a bendy straw that you can’t get with a normal straw. And do those few centimeters of bendiness really make it easier for you to get your lips around it?
When alien life forms come to post apocalyptic earth and start looking at all the stuff we have invented the few remaining survivors of the human race are in for some major embarrassment when the aliens question them about the bendy straw.
‘What is this?’
‘It’s a bendy straw’
‘How is this different to the normal straw?’
‘It’s bends near the top.’
‘Why?’
‘So you can……. Bend it.’
‘Why?’
‘….Ummm…. Hey have you seen these. They’re called post it notes. These are really useful.’
The aliens would totally get it if it were a bendy anal probe. You need something bendy if it is going up the poop canal. But a straw? I doubt they will say anything to our faces. But when they go back to their home planet, they are going to get a lot of intergalactic laughs telling their mates about how the earthlings wasted time and money inventing bendy straws.
There is an ad for Shell oil on the box at the moment. One more of those big budget hand jobs the oil companies put on, to try and convince you they aren’t running round raping the planet and ripping off the locals. So this Dutch guy watches his son finish a drink with a bendy straw and gets an idea for a drill the goes down AND across. Which the bendy straw would have done if it were upside down. But it wasn’t. Why? Cause while that might be useful for sucking oil out of the ground, you don’t need to do it to finish a chocolate milkshake.
Just think what the inventor of the bendy straw could have put his creative energy, time and effort into instead of the stupid straw. He might have invented cornflakes that don’t go soggy in milk. A music video concept for Shakira that doesn’t involve her dancing like a stripper for 3 and a half minutes. Or a better ending for the Matrix films. I don’t know who invented the bendy straw. Maybe they went onto bigger and better things. Maybe the bendy straw was the inspiration for the bendy bus. I hope so, because the bottom line is the Bendy Straw sucks.

POST APPOCALYPTIC PRESSURE

People wonder why I moved to the Middle East. Well, there are 11 reasons but one the one I wanted to bang on about here is number 6. If WW 3 kicks off chances are this part of the world will get fried extra crispy crispy in the first few hours. That’s my hope anyway because I don’t want to live in a post apocalyptical world. I’ve seen the movies. I know how it pans out. The clothes you are wearing on the day the nukes hit are the last decent ones you’ll ever have. They just get dirtier and dirtier after that till they rot and fall off and after that you have to go round dressed in fur and animal skins.
The survivors always end up being ruled by a black lady with big hair or an ex school teacher who is like into peace and love and getting along or an angry man with a Mohawk who is into violence and shooting cross bows. The only people who have any petrol are the Mohawk man’s mates and all they drive are dune buggies and motorbikes all over the place looking for people to kill. As if that wasn’t bad enough there is no TV no Internet and very few Mc Donald’s outlets are likely to survive. Apart form the daily struggle of trying to find food. Protect your family from the bands of marauding Mohawk men you will constantly have to explain stuff about the old world to the children born after the apocalypse. There will be shit lying around everywhere and the kids will want answers. Daddy what is a microwave oven? What were mail order brides? What was liposuction? You’re gonna have to explain all that stuff while you sit around the crappy little fire you have built in the ruins of an old hardware store while you make a spear out of an old broom and a garden trowel. No thanks. Take me out in the first wave. When that nuclear blast washes through the city I wont be one of those loser trying to outrun it. They always get squashed by a car that the blast has blown through the air anyway. Or their skin gets melted off their face as they cower in a doorway.
I’m gonna be in my deckchair sunbathing on the top of my apartment building without sun block and drinking really expensive champagne with friends and family when this particular chapter of our history comes to a climax.