China should stop toying with Taiwan.

When I was 8 years old I completely understood the China Taiwan situation. Every toy I ever saw had Made in Taiwan stamped on the bottom. What country wouldn’t want to claim Taiwan for itself?
But as I grew up, and became wiser and more informed I realised just how wrong I had been about the situation. There are plenty of other countries making toys that are a lot cooler. Maybe the Chinese leaders don’t know this. If they did I am sure they would lose interest in the place. Of course the Americans are always going to stick up for Taiwan. China getting in there would be their worst nightmare. First thing the Chinese would do is stop making the packets of little green American Soldiers, tanks and jeeps and start popping out packets of little red soldiers, tanks and jeeps.

Lucky for America that Al Qaeda can’t multi task.

I’m pretty sure Osama Bin Bung Kidney hasn’t sent out an email like this.

"Hi team, just got time for a quick email before the CIA spy drone is due for it’s next fly by. Firstly, congratulations to Achmed from accounts for winning the ‘Where’s Binny this week?’ staff competition. He correctly picked the small village on the Afghan/Pakistan border which, for security reasons, I cant name. Too be honest after this long on the run all these bloody villages are starting to look the same to me. Except for one I crashed at last Thursday. They had little individually wrapped soaps in the bathroom of the guesthouse. Nice touch. Just cause you live in the mountains doesn’t mean you can’t have a bit of style. Achmed wins the ‘I worked out where Bin Laden was, why cant you America’ t-shirt.
Now to business. Don’t worry; I’ve been listening to the grumblings around the water cooler. I know things are a little crazy at the moment. No one said a global Jihad was gonna be easy, but we have really got our hands full with wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. The organization has grown hugely in the past few years you will have noticed a whole lot of new faces at Friday drinks. Given the current workload we have decided to put all plans for terror attacks on the American mainland on hold until we get things under control in the Middle East. And lets hope America doesn’t invade any more countries because I just don’t think we can handle any more work.
OK that’s it from me. I’m off to film some scenes for the international news networks to use when they do stories on me. Apparently they’re sick to death of the ‘Me walking down the steep hill with a stick’ and ‘Me firing a machine gun at a target’ footage."

BUT, the American government are using this angle as one of the bullshit pills they force feed the public. It sounds even more tragic when you hear this theory being regurgitated by GI’s stuck in Iraq who are trying to rationalize their involvement in this crappy war.

Ice penis update – Bad touching

It seems the sacred Hindu ice penis only lasted two days much to the distress of the thousands of pilgrims who made the trek up the Himalayas to view the chilly willy.
BUT was global warming the sole reason for the melting member? Perhaps not. It seems that some of the pilgrims couldn’t resist the urge to lay their hands on the frozen phallus.
The erect icicle is gone now and all that is left is a pool of clear liquid. I’ve had the same experience myself.

The tooth fairy must die.

We are going through that whole ‘remember to clean you teeth’ thing with our daughter at the moment and I’m playing my part. Backing up my wife with the round in circles up and down routine but what I really want to say is ‘Listen luv, flag the whole twice daily teeth cleaning thing. Your gonna lose them all anyway. They’re baby teeth, they’re temporary. Save yourself the time and hassle devote your time and energy to playing the Indian Stock Market and save your teeth cleaning efforts for the real fight when your proper teeth are ready.
And while we’re on the subject of teeth isn’t it time we re thought the tooth fairy thing?
As if parents aren’t being extorted for enough cash these days for the 55 million versions of Brat dolls or my favourite ponies, we have to stump up money for every tooth the little one loses.
How about we leave a credit note on the pillow. $2 off the $10,000 we are going to have to spend fork out to get your new teeth straightened. It’s only a matter of time before the kids realise that a solitary coin per tooth just aint gonna cut these days. They’ll start holding out for more and once one parent gives in all the rest of the kids in the class are going to start putting pressure on their parents.
I have plans to set up a service to help remove the growing financial threat of the tooth fairy. For a small fee you’ll be able to buy my kit. You wait till your kid has gone to bed the night they put out their first tooth and set it up. In the morning little Tommy is the first witness on the scene of a tragic accident. It will appear the tooth fairy in her eagerness to get away with her haul mistook the ultra clean glass for an open window. It wasn’t the crash that killed her. Or the fall to the bedroom floor. It was when she impaled herself on little Tommy's tooth.
Now in an effort to keep the costs down the model will not stand up to much scrutiny. I am betting on the fact that little Tommy will be so traumatized that he doesn’t want to go to close to the crash site. But just to be on the safe side parents are advised to dispose of the evidence quickly. Explain to your little one that in the unlikely event of an accident the Tooth Fairy had asked to be buried the same way as the goldfish, and head for the bathroom.
Like Santa there is only one tooth fairy. So the beauty of product is that only one parent in each class or neighborhood has to do the deed. Once Tommy spreads the word about the demise of the tooth fairy to his little mates none of them will expect to see her at their place.
Although we have had trouble with trying to create a fake blood that matches the viscosity of fairy blood, I expect to have ‘Fairy Fatality’ ready for launch in a few months.

Got a problem with your kids eating too much chocolate at Easter? I am also researching ideas for simple mishaps that could befall basket carrying bunnies.

Abu Dhabi Economy

Despite first impressions the Abu Dhabi economy is actually doing pretty well

Terrorist scare in London a big blow to the IRA

According to the UK PM’s top terrorist advisor, the foiled car bomb plot shows that al Qaeda has imported the tactics of Iraq and Indonesia to Britain.
I understand the eagerness of the PM’s office to appear to be on the case and up to the minute on this event, but didn’t the IRA used to let off a load of car bombs back when Osama Bin Laden was still working out a logo and picking the furniture for al Qaeda’s head office?
Rather than rush to the press conference to start spouting out sound bites, the PM’s office should stop and think about what they’re saying. Another bigwig declared that this was international terrorism but it has the English homeland stamped all over it. The trigger in the Merc parked outside the nightclub failed to go off. Typical pommy workmanship. Bet the loser that built it wishes he had done the whole suicide thing, because he’ll be the most embarrassed terrorist in Britain at the moment.

When your penis is made of ice you care about global warming.

High in the Himalayas Hindu pilgrims are rushing to see a miracle. The natural formation of a sacred fertility symbol ‘lingam’. Not quite such a miracle when you consider the symbol is phallus-shaped. When something is referred to as Phallus-shaped that means it looks like a penis. Now a penis is a no brainer for a fertility symbol but if you go looking for penis shapes you’ll see them everywhere.

This particular re creation of the phallus shaped Lingam symbol is a stalagmite made of ice. Hundreds of thousands of devotees make the trek to cop a perve at the chilly prick every year during the two months it’s around. Problem is, this year, due to the unseasonably warm weather it is melting faster than usual so the rush is on.

I remember hearing about the picture of the Virgin Mary who appeared in a toasted cheese sandwich. Now that is a miracle. I would travel along way to see something like that. And after the thrill wore off I would probably be hungry so I could eat it. But a stalagmite that looks like a penis. It’s not much of a stretch is it? Have you ever seen a stalagmite that didn’t look like a penis?

Global warming is threatening to wreck the whole party and last year there were allegation that tourism managers made the ice form themselves. But this is just the kind of smart thinking mankind is going to have to employ if he is to cope with the ravages of global warming. Seems to me all those pilgrims would be hungry after their big climb to the cave. Someone could make a lot of money selling toasted cheese sandwiches. Or if you wanted to capture the moment and make the most of the natural resources around you I think you could do an excellent range of flavoured cocksicles.

Wild ways of the Wild West.

Saw a cowboy movie on TV the other day which featured that classic cowboy movie scene in the bar where someone shouts ‘boys, the drinks are on me’ and I began to think about the problems that lead to. Invariably when it happened the bar was full and it wasn’t always the richest man in town who made the offer. The invitation was always met with unbridled enthusiasm but given the frequency with which it seemed to happen in you wonder weather many cowboys ever had to actually buy a drink themselves. Would someone really have shouted ‘the drinks are on me’ that statement could be construed by a half cut cowboy to mean that the rest of the night’s drinks were being paid for. Perhaps ‘the next drink is on me’ would have been a more prudent announcement. You never hear that so lets assume that in the Wild West whenever someone said ‘the drinks are on me’ everyone except a newbie from back east would have taken it to mean the next drink of their choice was complimentary. I say their choice but from my observations the only booze available in the Wild West was whiskey. So lets assume it is one drink per person. Who was supposed to police that? The bartender? If a wealthy benefactor was paying for the drinks them it is in the interests of the owner to dish out as much free booze as he can. And even if he did try to make sure no greedy guts came up for second helping a lot of cowboys pretty much looked the same under those big hats. Ok, lets say everyone at the bar gets one free drink of whiskey. There didn’t seem to be a top shelf back then. The whiskey bottle was always directly behind the barman next to the big mirror, which always got smashed by a flying chair before the end of the film. So it was one free drink of plain old Wild West whiskey, which always seemed to cost a buck. But how come the barman always just started dishing out the whiskey to the eager patrons without first getting the bloke who made the offer to put a large sack of gold coins behind the bar. Or his credit card. Or at least have a brief discussion with him about how he intended to settle the bill. Maybe in the excitement of the moment the barman just forgot. Remember, a ‘the drinks are on me’ moment was usually triggered by good news. Anything ranging from ‘May Beth’s agreed to marry me boys’ right up to ‘ Sheriff Brady just gunned down big bad Buster Watson and the extra man with the rifle who was hidden in the upstairs window. With Buster Watson out of the way, this town is now free to live in peace without worrying about his marauding band of thugs who, now their boss is dead will naturally wander off to some other unlucky shithole.’ No wonder in the heat of the moment the barman just started pouring without thought to securing some form of guarantee of payment. And that, I suspect, is the reason the Wild West is littered with ghost towns. Because after one too many ‘drinks are on me’ sessions the local bar would go bust. With nowhere to play cards, watch showgirls, drink booze and smash up all the furniture, what point was there staying in town. Maybe the West was just a little too wild for it’s own good.

America reminds me of my toaster.

So I was thinking about how I saw George Bush in Rome a couple of weeks ago and it got me thinking about toasters. Mum still uses the toaster I grew up with. That thing has been through more bread than Michael Jackson. And I thought it would be the same when I bought my first toaster. I thought it was the start of a long happy relationship. But it wasn’t. Me and the missus are onto our third one now and the reason why is because they just don’t make things to last anymore. It seems to me the same can be said of Empires. I wonder if George pondered on the fact that the Romans Empire rose to power and stayed there for hundreds of years. But poor old America will be lucky to make a century as a superpower. Maybe that’s just the way things are in this fast paced world. Maybe trying to spread global influence takes a lot more than it used to. The disastrous wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are costing America lives, credibility and lots and lots of money. Will historians look back at Bush’s tenure as the beginning of the end of America the superpower? The Romans left us sandals, sewers, roads, gladiator films, aqueducts and Toga parties. America, we’ll always love you for your hamburgers, Hip Hop, Disneyland, Coca Cola, Prozac and Velcro. You will live on. The world will come to visit you and listen to tour guides talk about the days when America was the centre of the planet. And maybe in a few hundred years the leader of the current world super power will speed through the streets of Washington, gaze out at its buildings through the heavily tinted bullet, rpg and mini nuke proof glass and wonder where it all went wrong for the USA.

Name Nonsense Part 2. Bear with me this is the last one.

Imagine someone suggesting a kids character called Winnie the Pooh in this modern age. Wouldn't even make it must the first round would it. A character named after excretment? And a bear no less. Does a bear shit in the woods? Well you can bet one with the surname Pooh does. No, Winnie comes from a more innocent time but why hasn't a toilet paper company cashed in on the little guy?

Name nonsense.

If I told you about a fish called a swordfish you wouldn’t be too surprised when you saw it would you. It has a nose that looks a bit like a sword and it ‘s a fish. So how do you explain the ladybird? It is just this kind of nonsense naming that is going to make us look silly when visitors from other planets start asking us questions about what we have been doing with our time down here, rather than resorting to trying to find out the answers with anal probes which quite frankly is such a 60’s form of knowledge gathering technology.

When the bombs go up bums, the terrorists win.

After 911 you couldn’t take box cutters on planes. The metal knives on the in-flight meals were replaced with plastic ones but strangely the airlines decided that forks would never be a weapon of choice for terrorists. If an Arab gentlemen in his 30’s tried to board a plane with a few balls of yarn and a half finished crew neck jumper confiscate his knitting needles by all means, but was a general ban on an item mainly carried by little old ladies necessary? Things got annoying when the guy with the bad facial hair tried to blow up his sneakers on a flight from Paris. Suddenly we all had to start taking our shoes off. And then last year the alleged uncovering of a plot to make a bomb on board a plane by mixing liquids meant we couldn’t take moisturisers, water or liquid of any kind through security. Thing is all this security is really about the airlines making the travelers feel safe. As if any terrorist is going to waste his time trying to put a bomb in a shoe or carry liquids on board now it is common knowledge. No. Mr terrorist is too smart for that. He’ll be planning something the authorities haven’t thought to look for yet. And that’s what scares me. How many ways are there left to smuggle dangerous stuff on board a plane. I can only think of one. Up the bum. Can you imagine if the authorities uncover a plot by terrorists to smuggle bombs on board hidden in condoms in their bowels? Drug mules do it with coke, so why not? And as we know from the liquids scare, it doesn’t even actually have to happen to set the authorities off. They just need to get a rumour of bum bomb technology to set them off. Overnight the way we feel about air travel will change. Some smart airports will no doubt try and put a positive spin on the new security measures. For instance they could tie in a complimentary prostate check for men but the only people who will be laughing are the terrorists and the people who make rubber gloves.