How to make new old. A woman’s quarantine magic

This is how it works. Your missus goes out and buys a ‘how much did that cost?’ item. One of those dinnertime conversation stoppers, like a new pair of shoes, or a handbag. She brings it home and spirits it away to the special quarantine area, which normally seems to be somewhere dark and out of the way, that the man in her life doesn’t go, like the bottom of the wardrobe on her side under some old boxes.
The quarantine period depends on the cost of the item. In my house it seems to work out roughly about $100 a week. So, 3 weeks later Kirsty walks into the lounge wearing her $300 and something dollar pair of shoes.
Naturally my highly trained man sensors, immediately detect the new credit card draining purchase. ‘When did you get those?’ I ask.
‘These? Oh, I’ve had them for aaaages.’
And, thanks to the quarantine period, she’s right.



Update - ~Kirsty just told me it is more like $1000 a week, not $100
Ahhhhhhh

Small pox / small cocks.

Polio, Leprosy, small pox, these are some of the dirty little diseases people have worked towards stamping out. Eradicating them from the planet entirely. Well I propose we add small cocks to the list. If the spam I get is anything to go by then there are hundreds of thousands of people out there prepared to help you increase the size of your schlong. This could be because of the crappy spam filter that Yahoo Xtra supply me with, but I am guessing most of you get a few of these emails right?
So we know the technology is there and we know there is lots of it. So there is no reason we cant cure every small cock right now. Today… well by next week anyway. Small peckers would be a thing of the past. Banished to the annals of history… (is annals the right word?)
I would even go so far as to say that if you gave a guy who had small pox or leprosy and a small cock and the option of a cure for one, he would go for wonder willy treatment over a solution for the scabs and coughing blood.
Lets work together to rid the world of small cocks. Lets set a realistic date of 2010 to get rid of the last tiny todger. But it is going to require all of us pulling together. Next time you get spam about penis size, don’t delete it. Forward it to someone who can use the info. I am going to contact Bono about putting on a concert to raise money to set up a mobile penis enlargement surgery unit that will travel the world adding girth and length to those people in places that don’t have access to email spam. Remember Live 8? I am proposing Live 18 inches. Details coming soon.

Picking scabs. The Adult alternative.

That was one of the 12 cool things about being a kid. Scabs and the chance to pick them. The hole in your thigh, gouged out by a branch as you fell out of a tree, hurt like hell, but as the pain faded to a dull throb, there was the impending anticipation of the scab that would form. ‘Don’t pick it’ mum would say when she wandered past and caught you bent over, digging away with you index finger ‘ it will take longer to heal. Exactly. Why let your little crusty scab dry up and flake off? Where was the fun in that? Scab picking was a fine art. A lot like knowing when to harvest the grapes for a fine wine i imagine. If you picked too soon the pain was too much and it wouldn’t come away. If you left it too late, the sucker would have healed too much. If you got it just right, you could have all the fun and excitement of performing surgery on yourself and know that you could let it scab over and do it all again in a few days.
As you grow up you get less scabs. Maybe you get better at not falling over and hurting yourself. Maybe you just climb less trees and jungle gyms.
But there is an adult version.
You know when you by a new piece of electronic equipment. Stereo, clock, phone etc. And there’s that thin plastic film they put over the screen or casing to protect it? Peeling that off is the adult made equivalent, of scab picking.
Don’t you hate it when you see someone who has bought something, like a clock, stereo, phone etc and left the piece of plastic on? Why? So it can protect the screen? How can someone live with that piece of film in their life and NOT PEEL IT? Whenever I see one, and usually it is on someone’s phone, I whip it off. Stuff em. They had a chance to enjoy it themselves, but they forfeited that right when they owned the device for more than 5 minutes without peeling that sucker off.
One of the greatest feelings in the world is when you realise that there is plastic film on something that you hadn’t spotted before. This is usually on the casing of an electronic device. The casing is often black and you simply haven’t spotted the protective film. After a while it starts to peel, ever so slightly, at the edges. You spot it and think… could it be? You pick a bit, just a tiny bit, to see if you are onto something. It comes away under your nail and eureka; you know you’ve hit pay dirt. Oh the fun as you peel that large piece of sticky clear film off. Pure joy.

Farewell Fast Food Legend

2 years ago it was the inventor of instant noodles, now another great name in fast food has left the building.
Herb Peterson, inventor of the Egg McMuffin, mc died at age 89 on Tuesday.
I’ll be honest I wasn’t a huge fan of the item, but you have to admire the man for coming up with an idea that was able to hold its own on a menu where burgers and fries rule the roost.
The humble Egg Mc Muffin entered this world in 1972, around breakfast time I’m guessing, and for millions of customers around the globe it has helped take the edge of Mickey D’s average coffee.
Herb, your small, palm of the hand sized breakfast snack will live on as testament to the genius of getting people to go to a burger shop first thing in the morning.

In honour of Herb, I’m going to buy an egg mc muffin tomorrow, burn it and scatter the ashes over some obese people as they leave McDonalds.

And McDonalds, could I suggest a commemorative ‘Herb Egg Mc Muffin’ for a limited time?

P.S – Apple. How come Egg Mc Muffin isn’t on spell check? It should be.

Eurover.

The weak US dollar is changing the way people do business in the states. Recently a Rapper asked to be paid in Euros. The mighty greenback in on the wane. My advice to Fiddy cent. Get with times bro. Change your name to .322 Euros before you lose any more value.

A plague of bollocks

So there is a plague of locusts in Al Ain in the UAE. It was in the paper yesterday. The Government is warning people not to eat them because of the pesticides. Apparently they are yummy when they are roasted, which makes them popular. Flying finger food delivered direct to your door.
Must be hard being a locust, the first thing everyone thinks is ‘Oh, I bet god sent them’. No one ever gives locusts credit for going somewhere because a shit load of them just feel like it.
And spare a thought for poor old Larry or Louis Locust. No one ever sees them as individuals. They’re just part of this big flying mass of mouths. And no one would want to be one of the poor suckers at the back. When you get to a field, thousands have already munched out. Everything has little locust bite marks all over it. But you can’t go off and eat somewhere else. Oh no. Because then you wont be part of the plague. No, you have to stay in the group. ‘It’s a great way to see the world’ your parents tell you. That’s fine, if you’re flying on the outside of the plague. But not many locusts get to do that. Most locusts just see lots of other locusts. Above them, below them, left and right. Stay tight, stay in formation they are always being told. Got to keep up appearances. Got to look plaguey.

Cows in Spaaaaaaaace, and sheep.

Scientists have found methane on a planet circling a sun like star. Cows and sheep generate methane… imagine if our first contact with life on another planet, turns out to be livestock? Maybe it is like Planet of the Apes but the Sheep and Cows rule. Maybe there is conflict going on between the two species as they fight for supremacy. Cows would make better commandos because they could survive my drinking their own milk when they were out secret mission. I think on Sheep Cow Planet, the Cows would be like the gorillas in Planet of the apes. They are the leaders, and the sheep…well they’re just sheep eh. They follow each other round and bleat about everything.
But. They live in the colder parts of the planet thanks to their wool, and maybe that’s where the oil is, so that gives them some power.
Wait till they meet us. There’s going to be an embarrassing moment when we have to explain that on our planet, we eat them. Maybe the first astronauts we send up there, should be vegetarians, otherwise, instead of we come in peace it would be more like ‘We come for your pieces… loins, kidneys, steaks, chops.. whatever, it’s all good.’
At least Charlton Heston could look those apes in the eye and say he’d never eaten one… laughed at a few, sure, but could we take the leader of another planet seriously when were staring at his overly full udder and wishing we had a glass or thinking how the wool on the back of the ambassador would make a nice jumper.
Maybe this is one planet we should steer clear of.

Cheap rip offs.

The planet is full of rip off designer hand bags, watches and perfume and recently, they busted a ring in Italy making rip off Ferraris.
But why stop there? China should make rip off cities. Imagine a New York or London, built somewhere in China, that tourists on a budget could visit.
There would probably be a few legal issues to get around. They might not be able to use the same names. New York City could be Newer York City. London could be Londone better, but if they built them all next to each other, you could travel between the world’s most famous cities on foot. Breakfast in Man & ladyhattan, the couple friendly city and a warm beer and a curry at the Freddy Mercury café in Buckingham palace home to the Queen Museum.

Easter Bollocks, Muffin bollocks

All the evidence tells us it is only a matter of time before life forms form another planet make contact. And we need to start thinking about planning for their arrival. This is a complicated planet. Take muffins for instance. Why aren’t they called small cakes? Cause that’s all they are. Is it because if you told your mum you wanted a small cake for breakfast she would clip you on the ear. Did the cake companies get together and decide to create ‘muffins’ as a way of tricking people into eating cake for breakfast?
And what about Easter. What do you have? A guy who was nailed to a cross till he died. A whole lot of bunnies and chocolate eggs…WTF! I understand that what we have here is a hotch potch of different traditions thrown into the celebration blender and given 2 minutes on high speed. But that’s no excuse! We need to sort this shit out otherwise, before you know it, aliens will come and check us out then go home and piss their pants telling stories to their alien mates about our messed up ideas.
I’m not talking about big overhaul, just a reordering of the main ideas so they form some kind of theme. You know the New York artist who did the big chocolate Jesus on a cross. He had the right idea. Chocolate is popular with the kiddies so lets run with that. But bunnies and eggs? Bunnies don’t lay eggs and I think it’s confusing for children. Chickens lay eggs, but they are so boring. In my house we have the Easter Turtles. Turtles lay eggs. Loads of them. I saw it on Discovery. So the Easter Turtle brings you more eggs. Plus they lay them in the sand so it is fun to dig for them.
But where do the chocolate eggs tie in with the crucifixion? When JC rose on the 3rd day did he ask for eggs for breakfast? Could that be the link? And they just made them chocolate for the kiddies. Why can’t you get chocolate crosses? Because of Vampires I reckon. You approach a Vampire with a chocolate cross who has a sweet tooth, then all he has to do is take one bite and it aint a cross anymore. I imagine that is one of the main reasons chocolate crosses have never taken off. Also melt to fast to make wearing them around your neck an option.
There are crosses on the buns. That makes sense. Hot and cross. Much the way Jesus must have felt when he realized he was going to have to take the rap for our sins. The bread is a nice tie in with the bread from his last supper although they had that with wine so it probably didn’t have raisins in, like hot cross buns do. Speaking of raisins… they look a lot like rabbit poo. Could that be the bunny link we need. Now if we can find evidence that they used colourful tin foil 2000 years ago we just might have cleared this mess up.

The UAE. Life in the fast lane

This is a weird place. It is like a nation on steroids. Well, oil actually. Everything happens in a hurry here. Prices and buildings go up faster than anywhere else in the world and the speed thing transfers onto the roads too.
You know how in a normal country if it starts raining, people slow down a bit? Not here. Rain just means people want to get where they are going faster. Fog is a similar story. A Lebonese mate of mine who is a speed nut explained why he drove home at night in thick fog at over 170 K’s in the fastlane. He said if he went any slower he risked being run into from behind by a speeding car…I’ve already picked out the black shirt for his funeral.
The main drag between Dubai and Abu Dhabi is almost as dangerous as the road from Baghdad airport. The speed limit in the UAE seems to be a rough guide only. Or that’s how everyone treats it.
So I’m barreling along at 160 in my little rental car, thinking I am truckin and suddenly a large white four by four screams into the rear view mirror with his lights flashing, which is the Emirate sign for ‘get out of my way, my Lexus is 2 months old and I have to get to the dealer and trade it in’.
The speeding local races past and as I watch him ripping up the fast lane with his chunky tread at 180, I think to myself, there goes an impatient driver…until, a few seconds later, he is overtaken on the outside, on that spare bit of road between the lane marking and the crash barrier, by a guy in another 4x4 going about 215.
This is a typical drive from Abu to Dubai, so it’s no surprise that like their buildings and indoor ski fields, when the Emeraties have a car crash, they make it the biggest in the world.
Cars only burst into flames in crashes, in two places. The movies and the UAE. It happens all the time, but this morning’s bash and burn was big, even by UAE standards. Over 200 cars. Here’s a link taken by some rubber neckers a few hours after the carnage. ff to around the 6 min mark to see the real wrecks.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-RbMT5DJpY

my favourite new web site

www.chucknorrisfacts.com

A whale of a time in the Antarctic.

‘They started it!’ That seems to be the vibe coming from the Japs and Sea Shepard (the Greenies with attitude outfit).
Sea Shepard were complaining that the Japs were shooting at them, the Japs say they threw sound-emitting ‘warning balls’ and the Japs also claim the Sea Shepard posse, threw rotten butter and bottles containing an unidentified liquid…. Rotten butter? What’s up with that? Did they take a whole lot that they bought cheap on E bay or was it butter that became rotten while they were out at sea. How does butter go rotten? Cause you have so much you don’t get round to eating it all? Those Sea Shepard dudes are so busy saving the planet, no one has thought to save their arteries I’m guessing.
But come on Japanese whalers. A few pounds of rotten butter hits your little blood soaked floating harpoon platform. So what? In the words of Chopper Reid, harden the fuck up. Going crying to the world press because some expired dairy products get biffed at you, is hardly in the Samurai tradition is it?
As for the unidentified liquid, I, like you, naturally assumed it was wee,because that is the grossest thing I could think of. Almost as gross as standing knee deep in whale guts and blubber.

But back to the sound-emitting ‘warning balls’. Wonder what sound they make - ‘Fuck Off, Fuck Off, Fuck Off? or “This is a Warning! In a ball shaped device." It is very sci fi, I’d like to see one of those.
The photo in the newspaper was of three Japanese men in black swat team outfits. One had just thrown a sound-emitting warning ball, and the other two? Well they were video taping the thrower which when you think about it, is just reinforcing the whole Jap tourist thing.
How embarrassing.
Personally, I think if the whalers want to keep the Sea Shepard dudes out of rotten butter throwing range they should strap a live whale to the front of their boat with a sign hanging off it that says ‘Don’t come any closer or the whale gets it.’
Thats gotta cause a heated debate amongst the xtreme greenies.
I’ve also been having a think about butter substitutes for the Sea Shepards, incase their supplies go off again. The easiest solution is whale blubber. And where they go there is plenty of that lying around.