Cows in Spaaaaaaaace, and sheep.

Scientists have found methane on a planet circling a sun like star. Cows and sheep generate methane… imagine if our first contact with life on another planet, turns out to be livestock? Maybe it is like Planet of the Apes but the Sheep and Cows rule. Maybe there is conflict going on between the two species as they fight for supremacy. Cows would make better commandos because they could survive my drinking their own milk when they were out secret mission. I think on Sheep Cow Planet, the Cows would be like the gorillas in Planet of the apes. They are the leaders, and the sheep…well they’re just sheep eh. They follow each other round and bleat about everything.
But. They live in the colder parts of the planet thanks to their wool, and maybe that’s where the oil is, so that gives them some power.
Wait till they meet us. There’s going to be an embarrassing moment when we have to explain that on our planet, we eat them. Maybe the first astronauts we send up there, should be vegetarians, otherwise, instead of we come in peace it would be more like ‘We come for your pieces… loins, kidneys, steaks, chops.. whatever, it’s all good.’
At least Charlton Heston could look those apes in the eye and say he’d never eaten one… laughed at a few, sure, but could we take the leader of another planet seriously when were staring at his overly full udder and wishing we had a glass or thinking how the wool on the back of the ambassador would make a nice jumper.
Maybe this is one planet we should steer clear of.

Cheap rip offs.

The planet is full of rip off designer hand bags, watches and perfume and recently, they busted a ring in Italy making rip off Ferraris.
But why stop there? China should make rip off cities. Imagine a New York or London, built somewhere in China, that tourists on a budget could visit.
There would probably be a few legal issues to get around. They might not be able to use the same names. New York City could be Newer York City. London could be Londone better, but if they built them all next to each other, you could travel between the world’s most famous cities on foot. Breakfast in Man & ladyhattan, the couple friendly city and a warm beer and a curry at the Freddy Mercury café in Buckingham palace home to the Queen Museum.

Easter Bollocks, Muffin bollocks

All the evidence tells us it is only a matter of time before life forms form another planet make contact. And we need to start thinking about planning for their arrival. This is a complicated planet. Take muffins for instance. Why aren’t they called small cakes? Cause that’s all they are. Is it because if you told your mum you wanted a small cake for breakfast she would clip you on the ear. Did the cake companies get together and decide to create ‘muffins’ as a way of tricking people into eating cake for breakfast?
And what about Easter. What do you have? A guy who was nailed to a cross till he died. A whole lot of bunnies and chocolate eggs…WTF! I understand that what we have here is a hotch potch of different traditions thrown into the celebration blender and given 2 minutes on high speed. But that’s no excuse! We need to sort this shit out otherwise, before you know it, aliens will come and check us out then go home and piss their pants telling stories to their alien mates about our messed up ideas.
I’m not talking about big overhaul, just a reordering of the main ideas so they form some kind of theme. You know the New York artist who did the big chocolate Jesus on a cross. He had the right idea. Chocolate is popular with the kiddies so lets run with that. But bunnies and eggs? Bunnies don’t lay eggs and I think it’s confusing for children. Chickens lay eggs, but they are so boring. In my house we have the Easter Turtles. Turtles lay eggs. Loads of them. I saw it on Discovery. So the Easter Turtle brings you more eggs. Plus they lay them in the sand so it is fun to dig for them.
But where do the chocolate eggs tie in with the crucifixion? When JC rose on the 3rd day did he ask for eggs for breakfast? Could that be the link? And they just made them chocolate for the kiddies. Why can’t you get chocolate crosses? Because of Vampires I reckon. You approach a Vampire with a chocolate cross who has a sweet tooth, then all he has to do is take one bite and it aint a cross anymore. I imagine that is one of the main reasons chocolate crosses have never taken off. Also melt to fast to make wearing them around your neck an option.
There are crosses on the buns. That makes sense. Hot and cross. Much the way Jesus must have felt when he realized he was going to have to take the rap for our sins. The bread is a nice tie in with the bread from his last supper although they had that with wine so it probably didn’t have raisins in, like hot cross buns do. Speaking of raisins… they look a lot like rabbit poo. Could that be the bunny link we need. Now if we can find evidence that they used colourful tin foil 2000 years ago we just might have cleared this mess up.

The UAE. Life in the fast lane

This is a weird place. It is like a nation on steroids. Well, oil actually. Everything happens in a hurry here. Prices and buildings go up faster than anywhere else in the world and the speed thing transfers onto the roads too.
You know how in a normal country if it starts raining, people slow down a bit? Not here. Rain just means people want to get where they are going faster. Fog is a similar story. A Lebonese mate of mine who is a speed nut explained why he drove home at night in thick fog at over 170 K’s in the fastlane. He said if he went any slower he risked being run into from behind by a speeding car…I’ve already picked out the black shirt for his funeral.
The main drag between Dubai and Abu Dhabi is almost as dangerous as the road from Baghdad airport. The speed limit in the UAE seems to be a rough guide only. Or that’s how everyone treats it.
So I’m barreling along at 160 in my little rental car, thinking I am truckin and suddenly a large white four by four screams into the rear view mirror with his lights flashing, which is the Emirate sign for ‘get out of my way, my Lexus is 2 months old and I have to get to the dealer and trade it in’.
The speeding local races past and as I watch him ripping up the fast lane with his chunky tread at 180, I think to myself, there goes an impatient driver…until, a few seconds later, he is overtaken on the outside, on that spare bit of road between the lane marking and the crash barrier, by a guy in another 4x4 going about 215.
This is a typical drive from Abu to Dubai, so it’s no surprise that like their buildings and indoor ski fields, when the Emeraties have a car crash, they make it the biggest in the world.
Cars only burst into flames in crashes, in two places. The movies and the UAE. It happens all the time, but this morning’s bash and burn was big, even by UAE standards. Over 200 cars. Here’s a link taken by some rubber neckers a few hours after the carnage. ff to around the 6 min mark to see the real wrecks.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-RbMT5DJpY

my favourite new web site

www.chucknorrisfacts.com

A whale of a time in the Antarctic.

‘They started it!’ That seems to be the vibe coming from the Japs and Sea Shepard (the Greenies with attitude outfit).
Sea Shepard were complaining that the Japs were shooting at them, the Japs say they threw sound-emitting ‘warning balls’ and the Japs also claim the Sea Shepard posse, threw rotten butter and bottles containing an unidentified liquid…. Rotten butter? What’s up with that? Did they take a whole lot that they bought cheap on E bay or was it butter that became rotten while they were out at sea. How does butter go rotten? Cause you have so much you don’t get round to eating it all? Those Sea Shepard dudes are so busy saving the planet, no one has thought to save their arteries I’m guessing.
But come on Japanese whalers. A few pounds of rotten butter hits your little blood soaked floating harpoon platform. So what? In the words of Chopper Reid, harden the fuck up. Going crying to the world press because some expired dairy products get biffed at you, is hardly in the Samurai tradition is it?
As for the unidentified liquid, I, like you, naturally assumed it was wee,because that is the grossest thing I could think of. Almost as gross as standing knee deep in whale guts and blubber.

But back to the sound-emitting ‘warning balls’. Wonder what sound they make - ‘Fuck Off, Fuck Off, Fuck Off? or “This is a Warning! In a ball shaped device." It is very sci fi, I’d like to see one of those.
The photo in the newspaper was of three Japanese men in black swat team outfits. One had just thrown a sound-emitting warning ball, and the other two? Well they were video taping the thrower which when you think about it, is just reinforcing the whole Jap tourist thing.
How embarrassing.
Personally, I think if the whalers want to keep the Sea Shepard dudes out of rotten butter throwing range they should strap a live whale to the front of their boat with a sign hanging off it that says ‘Don’t come any closer or the whale gets it.’
Thats gotta cause a heated debate amongst the xtreme greenies.
I’ve also been having a think about butter substitutes for the Sea Shepards, incase their supplies go off again. The easiest solution is whale blubber. And where they go there is plenty of that lying around.

Thinking with your balls

Who said ‘Don’t think with your balls’? You know that feeling you get when you are standing on the top of something very high (I’m talking to men here). That odd tingly sensation in the mansack department? That is your nuts way of reminding you they are there. It is well known that nuts communicate via this tingling sensation. What they are trying to tell you is. ‘If you ever want to use us again. Don’t go any further!
So there you go. Perhaps sometimes you should listen to your nuts. I’m not saying balls have brains, just that sometimes they make sense.

Dolf Ludgren & Christopher Lambert. Harder to stamp out than Chlamydia.

They’re two of the enigmas of the movie world. How can two men be around so long and do so many bad movies?
I mean, if you do that many films. If that many suckers out there, are prepared to fork out the biggish bucks for you to run around in front of their 35mm cameras, surely you are gonna manage to do the odd film that isn’t complete and utter crap.
But not Chris and Dolf. No, those two acting legends have the ability to stick to shit like 2 ply toilet paper.
Was The Highlander just a fluke for Chris. Was he drunk when he read the script and forgot his golden rule of only go for cliché, bullshit plots with weak as storylines that have been pulled out more time than a Cher retirement tour.
Dolf never quite scaled the heady heights of something as good as Highlander. But Rocky 4 (or was it 3) didn’t completely blow. Wonder if he knew that would be his celluloid climax.
So Dolf and Chris continue to wreak havoc across big screens. But the real tragedy, the danger, are the DVD’s. Through this technology, these men have the potential to harm moive fans for generations to come.

Pet Rockology

Here are some interesting facts about Pet Rocks that you might not know. In fact know you don’t know them because I only thought them up half an hour ago.

Pet rocks were invented ages ago as a way to get kids interested in going to stonings.

Like Chiwawas you can keep your pet rock in your handbag.

Volcanic rock doesn’t make good pets. It’s too hard to paint the eyes on.

Historic pet rock moments – When David killed Goliath with a sling, he used his pet rock.

A big pet rock is still referred to a pet rock. Not a pet boulder. Except in Italy and some parts of China.

Pet Rock names – Calling your pet rock ‘Rocky’ is lame. A better name would be Sylvester or Stallone. Another clever name is Hudson.
If you have 2 you can call the second one ‘Roll’

NASA has 3 pet rocks the Apollo astronauts bought back

You can paint the eyes on your rock any colour you want. But never paint a mouth cause those bastards don’t shut up.

Until 1961 it was illegal to give a pet rock a girls name.

It is still illegal to own a pet rock you can’t lift. That is why no one had painted eyes on Ayers Rock.

Colostomy Bag bollocks

They lied about the weapons of mass destruction and muddied the waters over the link between Saddam and Al Quieeeda.
But here’s something you probably don’t know.
A colostomy bag…….. is in fact a pouch.
That’s right. Not a bag at all.
I can see the reason for the subterfuge. I mean when you say bag you imply decent storage capacity. A pouch? Well the only thing that’s good for is a flint and a few spare arrowheads. A pouch is what Granddad keeps his clip on sunglasses in. And his poo as well apparently.

Thing is. If they have fudged the facts about something as important as colostomy POUCHES.
What else are they lying about.

…… makes you think eh

Archeological bollocks

Big news in Peru. Archeologists uncovered a 5500-year-old plaza. Evidence of just how advanced man was way back then.
How did they know it was a plaza? Well these guys are trained to spot things like this. Years of training enables them to identify what the laymen might dismiss as a mound of dirt. Plus they found a 5500 year old Starbucks in it .

How special are your special forces.

Reason I ask is I was reading about Turkey’s invasion of Northern Iraq. The article mentioned that Turkish Special Forces parachuted in.
Now I know a journalist who has been into Iraq and knows about these things and he told me that the Turkish Special Forces are actually pretty…special. Nato trained apparently. But what about the stories you read about the Special Forces in other countries. Like Yemen or Slovakia? Just how special are they? Should the tag special be bandied about willy-nilly?
You know how the French in Champagne get their big French noses out of joint about other people using the name champagne? Well maybe it should be the same with the Special Forces. Maybe there should be a governing body that certifies that your forces are special enough to be called special. Maybe there should be a badge (black of course) that identifies them. It could b simple - I’M SPECIAL
America has loads of Special Forces. The original ones were the green berets. But my journo mate told me they aint so special anymore. Delta Force and the Navy Seals and Sylvester Stallone. Those are the really special forces these days.
But naturally, in a country obsessed with product offering, America offers alternatives. Like The Rangers. Made famous in that brilliant film Black Hawk Down.
The Rangers are kind of like Special Forces Light. Diet Special Forces if you will.
Don’t get me wrong. Those guys are good. A cut above your enlisted grunt and if you are putting together an operation that calls for special forces, don’t discount the idea of making the Rangers part of your repertoire.
But back to the ‘special’ tag. Just cause you put on black webbing and a balaclava, doesn’t make you special and quite frankly I think it devalues the impact of the real Special Forces. So, if you’re in charge of your nation’s military, just have a look at what you offer in the Special Forces department and ask yourself the hard question. How special are my special guys?