Did they shave their legs on the Death Star?

I know this all happened along long time ago in a galaxy far away but why did the guys in the firing room on the Death Star wear helmets? Was there a concern that they might bump their heads on something? The Death Star was still being built. It was technically a construction zone I guess. But how come the Admiral of the fleet didn’t get to wear a helmet. Him and his mates had to wear naff looking cloth caps that made them look like play mobil characters.

Perhaps there’s another reason behind the big black helmets. They look very similar to the ones worn by Olympic indoor cyclists.

Could it be that the team in the firing room were sportsmen who worked on the death star part time, attracted by the flexible hours that allowed them to get out on the track? If so, this raises alarming questions about the standard of the people the dark side were hiring.
Mind you, I can see the thinking behind hiring cyclists. They shave their legs and that would have made slipping into the tight black pants that were standard Death Star Issue, a lot easier. But I wonder… when the little man on the left pushed the button that activated the beam that blew princess Leigh’s planet of Alderon to hell, was he thinking, ‘A thousand voices are about to cry out and then be suddenly silenced, and I’m the man.’ Or was he thinking about shaving a few seconds off his lap time at the velodrome, or, shaving his legs?

Pain in Spain but not on the train

Hola! The word invented by U2 for their 2004 song vertigo and now adopted by the people of Spain.

I’ve come to Spain to look at cool buildings and drink their beer but I’m never one to miss the chance for a new tattoo. Found Voodoo Tattoo in Barcelona. I’m not familiar with Spanish tattooing traditions but as you can see from the pic they wont do tattoos of dogs, cigarettes or hamburgers… that was a blow because I was going to get a tat of a smoking dog but it will have wait till we are in a country where they are a little more open minded.
Also spotted another old lady with crazy hair for my ‘Old ladies with crazy hair’ collection. Bonus!
Arrived Madrid yesterday. We came by bullet train. I love traveling by train because unlike planes, you don’t have to put up your tray table 10 minutes before you arrive, you don’t have to wear a seat belt and your electronic devices don’t affect the navigation equipment. A much cooler way to travel.
Madrid is famous for being home to the Beckhams and to remind you of that there is a 50ft statue of David Beckham in the centre of town made out of posh’s unsold solo albums and jeans.

Aunt Betty’s Hair

If a teenager dyes her hair violet, shes ‘goin off the rails’ 'rebelling against society’ ‘falling in with the wrong crowd’.
BUT.
If Aunty Betty does it, shes just still only dear old Aunty Betty who still like a Sherry and the odd fluter on the horses.

That’s ageist.

Box a soldiers

Found these guys for sale. Like you I was instantly reminded of the lyrics from the hit song by Martika

'Step by step, heart to heart, left right left, We all fall down like toy soldiers.'

They seem really cheap. But i think that's because they're dead.

In case things dont work out for Obama

Just a thought I wanted to get in before anyone else does. I think Obama will probably take out the election, unless the republicans have another voting machine trick up their sleeves.
BUT. If Obama misses out then the papers will need a headline to go with the day after the election. OR weeks after if it turns into a protracted legal battle.
I was thinking about this because I’m in London at the moment, home of the world’s best newspaper headlines. I’m talking magic like "Bananas in Pyjamas," that ran during the Michael Jackson trial.
Don’t know if there is any money in headline ideas for newspaper headlines but I humbly submit this little pearler.
O BUMMER 08

X & Z…not the album

I’m no fan of that 80’s shop naming habit of replacing the s with a z. Hairdressers were especially guilty of this branding crime. Wavez, Cutz, Snipz. It wasn’t jazzy or clever. It looked retarded. As did calling something fast like a food or photocopying shop, Xpress.
BUT. I have to say I will make an exception for ChopstiX in portabello.
Why?
Because with the use of clever graphic design, they incorporated a pair of chopsticks into their logo. Which totally justifies the use of the X in the name.
Hats off.
If there’s an international competition for Chinese Takeaway names, then I smell GOLD.

Samir Kuntar

Samir Kuntar, the Lebanese freedom fighter/terroist (depending on your point of view) who was jailed for 542 years at the age of16 has been freed by the Israelis. He went in in 79.
ABBA were still huge back then.
With the new Mamma Mia film in the headlines now as Samir comes out, I wonder if he thinks that ABBA is still huge and have been all this time. I think someone needs to explain to him that ABBA were hated during the 80’s and most of the 90’s. It would be embarrassing for us if he thinks we have been obsessed with them all this time.

Instruction book bollocks

You know that feeling when you buy something electronic and it comes with a really big, thick instruction book and you think ‘dam, I didn’t realise this glow in the dark X-Files themed toaster/fax machine was going to be so hard to learn to operate’ and then you open the book and it turns out there is only one page of instructions but it is translated into 85 other languages and that’s why it’s so thick…… I love that feeling.

Lets clear the air on the Beijing Olympics.

The old style Olympics was all well and good. Athletes from around the globe, at the top of their game, performing to the absolute limit of human ability for the enjoyment and wonderment of all.
But those wise Olympic bosses saw the writing on the wall, they realized that athletes and spectators needed something more. So the brains trust got to thinking. How could they up the odds?
The answer was blowing in the wind. Pollution.
Why not make things a little tougher for competitors. Sure, they can run, pedal paddle, lift, throw, shoot and jump. But can they do it while they breath in liters and liters of toxic air? Surely that would be the ultimate test of an athlete’s ability.
The IOC searched the world for just the right city. It needed the perfect blend of infrastructure and polluted atmosphere.
Many cities put up their hand but when it came down to the nitty gritty they failed to deliver on the really shitty, smoggy, toxic atmosphere the IOC was looking for.
Finally, Beijing made the grade. But only after promising to step up their pollution output ahead of the big games.
All credit to the city. They have surpassed expectations and the world can look forward to the new style Olympics. Not so much of a look, as more of a squinty peer through the murky haze.
And it wont just be the performances that are affected. The pollution will enhance the events in other ways.
The running races will have an added element of the unknown for spectators because they wont be able to see the whole track. Imagine the thrill sitting near the finish line. You can hear the running feet, but you have to wait till the last second for the competitors to emerge from the smog to see who is going to win.
In the cycling, the flash new smog lights fitted to the bikes will give us all a glimpse of the future of pedal power.
We’ve all seen laser light shows. But wait till you see the way lasers bounce off thick clouds of dark toxic factory smoke in the opening ceremony. The site of thousands of spectators and competitors crammed into the stadium, all wearing their communist red gas masks will be a proud moment for all the citizens of the planet. If I could sum up these games in one word. It would be SMOKIN!

The bags behind global warming.

It‘s a worrying new trend that is threatening our very existence. Big chunky gold and silver handbags that look like they are made out of leftover NASA space suit material.
Not only is the trend growing, so are the size of the handbags.
Why are these bags so much bigger now? Do ladies suddenly have a lot more stuff to carry around?
Do you want to know why Al Gore will never be seen carrying one of these? Their reflective power.
Scientists have discovered that the combination of a huge number of bags and their large, reflective surface area, means they’re directly contributing to global warming.
Before the collective gasp of distressed fashion victims reverberates round our hot little planet, I am not advocating the banning of these bags.
There’s a simple solution.
Scientists have invented a special, matt varnish spray that can be applied to the bags to reduce the shine and glare.
Children, armed with cans of this earth saving spray will be sent out around the malls of the world to offer this service free of charge. These children will be pulled from sweat shops across Asia and will naturally be thrilled to be out from behind their sewing machines so it’s a win win.

Hummer Love

It’s is the classic expat cliché. Come to the Middle East and buy a Hummer. Hummer, famous for having the most expensive launch event ever. That would be Gulf War 1. The mother of all car launches. Anyway, 17 years on the hummer aint the new kid on the block anymore. It was cool to have a hummer here in the UAE a couple of years ago, but the cashed up car nuts who change their cars like their undies have moved on. The new Rover is the in thing this month.

What about our carbon footprint you ask? Well with a Hummer it is more of an army issue desert boot print, but my theory is, if all this fighting and stress over the price of oil wasn’t around, we would all be better off. How do we sort that out? Get rid of the oil. Use it up. Fast. And my friends, doing 160 k’s between Abu Dhabi and Dubai is a good way to use it up.

The Hummer is big. I’ve never had an SUV, never really wanted one, but now I have had a taste of it, it would be hard to go back. Before we got the Hummer we were renting a VW polo. I have filled that with pine scented dishwashing liquid and hung it form the hummers rear view mirror.
The Hummer is high off the ground.
It’s a climb to get in, but once you’re there it’s worth it. Kind of like getting to the top of Everest. The Hummer is so high off the ground that at Hummer dealerships, one of the optional extras is a midget lady who lives in the spare tyre compartment and comes round offering you a choice of chicken or fish on long trips.
Judder bars are a thing of the past. When you’re in a car that was designed to be able to drive over small desert villages without stopping, a judder bar is just a joke.

We got the H3. It’s totally different to the H1 and 2. Each model that comes out seems to have a little more of the sharp edges taken off. It’s sad how that happens. The Hummer caught the imagination of the nation because it looked different to all the pussy cars we were used to seeing. It wasn’t smooth and curvy, it was boxy with sharp corners and low to the ground. Arnie wanted one. And back in 91 he was still kind of cool, in a larger than life Hollywood way. But the H3 is a shadow of its early days. Looks to me like the result of endless focus groups and research meetings that have tried to pander to the soccer mum crowd. Bit of chrome here, smooth those front corners, put some pretty taillights on it. Any more tweaks and they might as well slap a Hyundai logo on its arse.
The H4 will probably suck and buy the time it comes out Arnie will be the only guy rich enough to fill it with gas, so we are living the dream now.
The wife likes to keep it clean, but I think a Hummer looks better dirty. It also makes it look like I have been off roading.
The pressure about getting a big 4x4 like a hummer is everyone says ‘have you taken it off road yet?’ and when you say no, they give you that slightly disappointed look. I parked outside a restaurant the other day and road works were going on out front so I had to drive up on the curb to park… does that count? … Not really eh.

All you need is love

How can the world take a leader seriously when he dresses like he is going to a sergeant peppers lonely hearts club fancy dress party?

Oh, that's right. No one does.