Maybe the pen really is mightier than the sword.
Check out this is giant map of the world I found on sale at Ikea in Abu Dhabi.
Now take a close look at the in-house modifications they’ve made. With a flick of the wrist, Israel has been removed.
It’s hard being a parent. As well as remembering to feed them and check on them when you leave them locked in the car out in the pub car park, you have to find things to do with them at the weekends.
Time waster of choice in our house at the moment is the bouncy castle, and the sprog and I fit in some bounce time most weekends. But here’s the thing. It isn’t a bouncy castle; it’s a bouncy teapot. Whoever heard of a bouncy teapot? No one. That’s why we all still call it a bouncy castle. Luckily Frankie hasn’t asked me why we refer to it as a bouncy castle, but what if she does? That’s something they haven’t covered on Doctor Phil or Oprah. And it does beg the question why someone felt compelled to bother creating another bouncy object when the castle has served the children of the world so well.
Was it an entrepreneurial bouncy castle employee who spied a niche in the market? Did he talk to some kids and find out that while the castle and its princess and dragon connotations were all well and good, what they really fantasized about bouncing inside, was a teapot? Did he take this idea to his boss in the form of a power point presentation? Was he laughed out of the bouncy boardroom? Or bounced out??? Did that propel him to go out and form his own bouncy business. Is he the apple to Microsoft in the bouncy shit for children to play on world? Just seems like a waste of time. Especially when there are so many untapped opportunities in the bouncy castle world. For example, why not build houses the way they make bouncy castles? In earthquake prone places, like china, you wouldn’t get horrific body counts. The buildings would wobble around, which would be fun for the kids, and then it would be all over. In a hurricane the houses wouldn’t blow over and debris wouldn’t blow around and hurt people. The houses would just blow away. Come home drunk to a bouncy house and it doesn’t matter is you fall over on the stairs. Drive home drunk and run into the side of your house and you just bouncy off. Next morning when the wife throws the toaster at you that will hurt like hell, but when you hit the floor unconscious, you don’t end up with secondary injuries.
I guess what I am getting at is the bouncy castle industry needs to stop jumping around and have a good think about what they already have. There is so much unexplored potential with the castles; I just don’t see the need to go off designing teapots.
You know that feeling when you buy something electronic and it comes with a really big, thick instruction book and you think ‘shit, I didn’t realise this half toaster half fax machine was going to be so hard to earn to operate’ and then you open the book and it turns out there is only one page of instructions but it is translated into 85 other languages and that’s why it’s so thick…… I love that feeling. I wish you could get that in a pill (legally) or a drink.
I think the pub quiz was thought up a couple of weeks after the pub was invented. Brendon* noticed that the crowd seemed to drop off Mon, Tue and realized he needed a way to get the punters in.
The guy was clever. He didn’t need a bunch of focus groups to work out that the big problem for a lot of people was that it was tough trying to justify to themselves or loved ones, that they should get on the piss, right after a weekend of doing just that.
The answer? Make it a little more like work than a night at the pub.
Instead of, ‘Honey, thought I might go for a few beers with the boys tonight.’ It was transformed into. ‘Babe, gotta go to pub quiz tonight. The boys really need me. I’m the go to guy for music trivia. Can’t let them down. One more win and we are in the draw for the electric powered weed trimmer.’
Genius. Not a night at the pub, a night of intellectual stimulation… in a pub.
And because Brendon was so smart he probably wrote all the questions for the first quiz himself.
*someone told me the guy who invented the pub was called Brendon. But we were at the pub at the time and they were drunk, so it could be bollocks.
V1 – Does that hurt?
V2 – Yes.
V1 – Does that hurt?
V2 – Yes.
V1 – Does that hurt?
V2 – Owww! Yes.
V1 – Does that hurt?
V2 - Yes
V1 – Does that hurt?
V2 – Yes.
Taken from the tests for Johnson & Johnson’s No more tears, kids shampoo.
As you may or may not know I’m the artistic genius behind the stickmen series of books. Stickmen 1, 2, Stickmen Guide to life and the soon to be released Stickmen Bumper Edition. Anyway, not all of my great drawings make it into the books for one reason or another, so I thought I might share a few with you on me blog. Here are two. One was a bit rude the other was a bit cerebral I guess.
Stay tuned for Oprah, posh Sice, JFK and many more.
‘Ronaldo under probe’ that was the headline in the paper when one of the world’s most famous footballers was busted after going to a motel with 3 transvestites. I think the first hint he had that they were lady men, was when he caught sight of one of their ‘probes’. No this wasn’t an Eddy Murphy situation, where the boy knew what he was buying. It is a great ad for the Brazilian transvestite community. A better class of tranny. Hats off. But even if they had been real ladies, wasn’t it a bit greedy of Ronny to take 3 back to his room? Isn’t that biting off more than you can chew or are football layers allowed to bring on a substitute in bed if they get a bit knackered?
Lucky for Ronaldo, he didn’t end up chewing on anything. But with the story all over the world’s newspapers his ego must be fairly limp this morning.
I was pleased to see the assembly plans for the shelf I bought from Ikea the other day had fuller figured stick figures in them, rather than a uber skinny ones we see so often (in my 3 stickmen books for instance) Look at these happy chubsters, ok so they have no fingers and they're building a shelf in the nude, but hats off to Ikea for breaking away from the furniture assembly industry stereo types. I'm going to eat another another pie and put a desk together.
I get like an email a week from my mum saying hi, but I get 30 asking if I want a bigger Penis. I don’t. I have never really thought it was a Problem but can 25 million sPam messages be wrong? Maybe I should get it enlarged, or engorged or lengthened or whatever it is they do to it.
If I did, if I have a few more inches wacked on, I wonder if the sperm spam would stop? If someone with a really large Penis had it made bigger wouldn’t that be dangerous? I wonder if the Society of Penis Enlargment ExPerts has a code of conduct. Some kind of database where customers can be listed so they stoP receiving the spam. Infact, that could be a good angle for the Penis enlargement spammers. ‘Get your Penis enlarged and we will stop spamming ya. Mind you, if there was a database of blokes who had had the treatment we’d all be on there sneaking a Peak wouldn’t we…. ‘Oh look at that Paul had a couple of inches. He needed it.’
If you’re wondering about the capital P’s in this entry it is because my P key on me keyboard is broken so I copied a P and am just Pasting it in as a type, should have used a lower case P I guess but didn’t realise till I was half way through this. I tell ya, not having a P key is a Pain in the arse. Its not till you don’t have it that you realise how often you use the letter P. Should have saved this blog about Penises till after my keyboard was fixed I guess
I thought I invented Pope on a rope, about 8 years ago. Got really excited for about 3 minutes till I saw one on the internet. Still think it is a great idea and I thought of it the other day when I saw a story on CNN about the Pope in the US and all the souvenirs they are selling.
The scary pope, as I call him, is going around America saying sorry for all the kiddy fiddlers they employed for years and years, this is the sorry tour, the cleansing tour…get where I am going with this? Pope on a rope is fricken perfect. “Wash yourself as we wash away the sins of the Catholic church.” (holywater not required)
But doesn’t the Pope look scary. Especially when he speak in German. I try to imagine him in an SS uniform, and its not hard.
I bet Robbie Williams is pissed off with the Pope. He tried to crack the US over and over and never had much luck. The Pope goes there once and the place blows up.
I wonder if the Popes tour has groupies? I wonder if they break into the hotel and try to see the Pope, maybe try for a one on one mass with him. Mind you, I guess it wouldn’t be a mass then would it. It would be a mini.
I wonder if the Pope and his entourage ever trash their hotel rooms after a big gig? Do they get to stay in hotels? Local clergy probably offer to put them up. Bet the Pope hates that. He lives in the fricken Vatican. He has his own city. It would suck staying with some vicar in a little house tacked onto a church.
The Pope has a lot of costumes, almost as many as Elton John takes on tour. It would be hard being in charge of all that gear. You see the Pope in his bullet proof Pope mobile, you don’t see the fleet of big trucks that lug all the gear around from gig to gig and the roadies that work through the night. A Pope Tour 08 roadie jacket. Now that is a souvenir I’d pay big bucks for.
This is how it works. Your missus goes out and buys a ‘how much did that cost?’ item. One of those dinnertime conversation stoppers, like a new pair of shoes, or a handbag. She brings it home and spirits it away to the special quarantine area, which normally seems to be somewhere dark and out of the way, that the man in her life doesn’t go, like the bottom of the wardrobe on her side under some old boxes.
The quarantine period depends on the cost of the item. In my house it seems to work out roughly about $100 a week. So, 3 weeks later Kirsty walks into the lounge wearing her $300 and something dollar pair of shoes.
Naturally my highly trained man sensors, immediately detect the new credit card draining purchase. ‘When did you get those?’ I ask.
‘These? Oh, I’ve had them for aaaages.’
And, thanks to the quarantine period, she’s right.
Update - ~Kirsty just told me it is more like $1000 a week, not $100
Ahhhhhhh
Polio, Leprosy, small pox, these are some of the dirty little diseases people have worked towards stamping out. Eradicating them from the planet entirely. Well I propose we add small cocks to the list. If the spam I get is anything to go by then there are hundreds of thousands of people out there prepared to help you increase the size of your schlong. This could be because of the crappy spam filter that Yahoo Xtra supply me with, but I am guessing most of you get a few of these emails right?
So we know the technology is there and we know there is lots of it. So there is no reason we cant cure every small cock right now. Today… well by next week anyway. Small peckers would be a thing of the past. Banished to the annals of history… (is annals the right word?)
I would even go so far as to say that if you gave a guy who had small pox or leprosy and a small cock and the option of a cure for one, he would go for wonder willy treatment over a solution for the scabs and coughing blood.
Lets work together to rid the world of small cocks. Lets set a realistic date of 2010 to get rid of the last tiny todger. But it is going to require all of us pulling together. Next time you get spam about penis size, don’t delete it. Forward it to someone who can use the info. I am going to contact Bono about putting on a concert to raise money to set up a mobile penis enlargement surgery unit that will travel the world adding girth and length to those people in places that don’t have access to email spam. Remember Live 8? I am proposing Live 18 inches. Details coming soon.
