The UAE. Life in the fast lane

This is a weird place. It is like a nation on steroids. Well, oil actually. Everything happens in a hurry here. Prices and buildings go up faster than anywhere else in the world and the speed thing transfers onto the roads too.
You know how in a normal country if it starts raining, people slow down a bit? Not here. Rain just means people want to get where they are going faster. Fog is a similar story. A Lebonese mate of mine who is a speed nut explained why he drove home at night in thick fog at over 170 K’s in the fastlane. He said if he went any slower he risked being run into from behind by a speeding car…I’ve already picked out the black shirt for his funeral.
The main drag between Dubai and Abu Dhabi is almost as dangerous as the road from Baghdad airport. The speed limit in the UAE seems to be a rough guide only. Or that’s how everyone treats it.
So I’m barreling along at 160 in my little rental car, thinking I am truckin and suddenly a large white four by four screams into the rear view mirror with his lights flashing, which is the Emirate sign for ‘get out of my way, my Lexus is 2 months old and I have to get to the dealer and trade it in’.
The speeding local races past and as I watch him ripping up the fast lane with his chunky tread at 180, I think to myself, there goes an impatient driver…until, a few seconds later, he is overtaken on the outside, on that spare bit of road between the lane marking and the crash barrier, by a guy in another 4x4 going about 215.
This is a typical drive from Abu to Dubai, so it’s no surprise that like their buildings and indoor ski fields, when the Emeraties have a car crash, they make it the biggest in the world.
Cars only burst into flames in crashes, in two places. The movies and the UAE. It happens all the time, but this morning’s bash and burn was big, even by UAE standards. Over 200 cars. Here’s a link taken by some rubber neckers a few hours after the carnage. ff to around the 6 min mark to see the real wrecks.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-RbMT5DJpY

my favourite new web site

www.chucknorrisfacts.com

A whale of a time in the Antarctic.

‘They started it!’ That seems to be the vibe coming from the Japs and Sea Shepard (the Greenies with attitude outfit).
Sea Shepard were complaining that the Japs were shooting at them, the Japs say they threw sound-emitting ‘warning balls’ and the Japs also claim the Sea Shepard posse, threw rotten butter and bottles containing an unidentified liquid…. Rotten butter? What’s up with that? Did they take a whole lot that they bought cheap on E bay or was it butter that became rotten while they were out at sea. How does butter go rotten? Cause you have so much you don’t get round to eating it all? Those Sea Shepard dudes are so busy saving the planet, no one has thought to save their arteries I’m guessing.
But come on Japanese whalers. A few pounds of rotten butter hits your little blood soaked floating harpoon platform. So what? In the words of Chopper Reid, harden the fuck up. Going crying to the world press because some expired dairy products get biffed at you, is hardly in the Samurai tradition is it?
As for the unidentified liquid, I, like you, naturally assumed it was wee,because that is the grossest thing I could think of. Almost as gross as standing knee deep in whale guts and blubber.

But back to the sound-emitting ‘warning balls’. Wonder what sound they make - ‘Fuck Off, Fuck Off, Fuck Off? or “This is a Warning! In a ball shaped device." It is very sci fi, I’d like to see one of those.
The photo in the newspaper was of three Japanese men in black swat team outfits. One had just thrown a sound-emitting warning ball, and the other two? Well they were video taping the thrower which when you think about it, is just reinforcing the whole Jap tourist thing.
How embarrassing.
Personally, I think if the whalers want to keep the Sea Shepard dudes out of rotten butter throwing range they should strap a live whale to the front of their boat with a sign hanging off it that says ‘Don’t come any closer or the whale gets it.’
Thats gotta cause a heated debate amongst the xtreme greenies.
I’ve also been having a think about butter substitutes for the Sea Shepards, incase their supplies go off again. The easiest solution is whale blubber. And where they go there is plenty of that lying around.

Thinking with your balls

Who said ‘Don’t think with your balls’? You know that feeling you get when you are standing on the top of something very high (I’m talking to men here). That odd tingly sensation in the mansack department? That is your nuts way of reminding you they are there. It is well known that nuts communicate via this tingling sensation. What they are trying to tell you is. ‘If you ever want to use us again. Don’t go any further!
So there you go. Perhaps sometimes you should listen to your nuts. I’m not saying balls have brains, just that sometimes they make sense.

Dolf Ludgren & Christopher Lambert. Harder to stamp out than Chlamydia.

They’re two of the enigmas of the movie world. How can two men be around so long and do so many bad movies?
I mean, if you do that many films. If that many suckers out there, are prepared to fork out the biggish bucks for you to run around in front of their 35mm cameras, surely you are gonna manage to do the odd film that isn’t complete and utter crap.
But not Chris and Dolf. No, those two acting legends have the ability to stick to shit like 2 ply toilet paper.
Was The Highlander just a fluke for Chris. Was he drunk when he read the script and forgot his golden rule of only go for cliché, bullshit plots with weak as storylines that have been pulled out more time than a Cher retirement tour.
Dolf never quite scaled the heady heights of something as good as Highlander. But Rocky 4 (or was it 3) didn’t completely blow. Wonder if he knew that would be his celluloid climax.
So Dolf and Chris continue to wreak havoc across big screens. But the real tragedy, the danger, are the DVD’s. Through this technology, these men have the potential to harm moive fans for generations to come.

Pet Rockology

Here are some interesting facts about Pet Rocks that you might not know. In fact know you don’t know them because I only thought them up half an hour ago.

Pet rocks were invented ages ago as a way to get kids interested in going to stonings.

Like Chiwawas you can keep your pet rock in your handbag.

Volcanic rock doesn’t make good pets. It’s too hard to paint the eyes on.

Historic pet rock moments – When David killed Goliath with a sling, he used his pet rock.

A big pet rock is still referred to a pet rock. Not a pet boulder. Except in Italy and some parts of China.

Pet Rock names – Calling your pet rock ‘Rocky’ is lame. A better name would be Sylvester or Stallone. Another clever name is Hudson.
If you have 2 you can call the second one ‘Roll’

NASA has 3 pet rocks the Apollo astronauts bought back

You can paint the eyes on your rock any colour you want. But never paint a mouth cause those bastards don’t shut up.

Until 1961 it was illegal to give a pet rock a girls name.

It is still illegal to own a pet rock you can’t lift. That is why no one had painted eyes on Ayers Rock.

Colostomy Bag bollocks

They lied about the weapons of mass destruction and muddied the waters over the link between Saddam and Al Quieeeda.
But here’s something you probably don’t know.
A colostomy bag…….. is in fact a pouch.
That’s right. Not a bag at all.
I can see the reason for the subterfuge. I mean when you say bag you imply decent storage capacity. A pouch? Well the only thing that’s good for is a flint and a few spare arrowheads. A pouch is what Granddad keeps his clip on sunglasses in. And his poo as well apparently.

Thing is. If they have fudged the facts about something as important as colostomy POUCHES.
What else are they lying about.

…… makes you think eh

Archeological bollocks

Big news in Peru. Archeologists uncovered a 5500-year-old plaza. Evidence of just how advanced man was way back then.
How did they know it was a plaza? Well these guys are trained to spot things like this. Years of training enables them to identify what the laymen might dismiss as a mound of dirt. Plus they found a 5500 year old Starbucks in it .

How special are your special forces.

Reason I ask is I was reading about Turkey’s invasion of Northern Iraq. The article mentioned that Turkish Special Forces parachuted in.
Now I know a journalist who has been into Iraq and knows about these things and he told me that the Turkish Special Forces are actually pretty…special. Nato trained apparently. But what about the stories you read about the Special Forces in other countries. Like Yemen or Slovakia? Just how special are they? Should the tag special be bandied about willy-nilly?
You know how the French in Champagne get their big French noses out of joint about other people using the name champagne? Well maybe it should be the same with the Special Forces. Maybe there should be a governing body that certifies that your forces are special enough to be called special. Maybe there should be a badge (black of course) that identifies them. It could b simple - I’M SPECIAL
America has loads of Special Forces. The original ones were the green berets. But my journo mate told me they aint so special anymore. Delta Force and the Navy Seals and Sylvester Stallone. Those are the really special forces these days.
But naturally, in a country obsessed with product offering, America offers alternatives. Like The Rangers. Made famous in that brilliant film Black Hawk Down.
The Rangers are kind of like Special Forces Light. Diet Special Forces if you will.
Don’t get me wrong. Those guys are good. A cut above your enlisted grunt and if you are putting together an operation that calls for special forces, don’t discount the idea of making the Rangers part of your repertoire.
But back to the ‘special’ tag. Just cause you put on black webbing and a balaclava, doesn’t make you special and quite frankly I think it devalues the impact of the real Special Forces. So, if you’re in charge of your nation’s military, just have a look at what you offer in the Special Forces department and ask yourself the hard question. How special are my special guys?

Fat suit fun

Did you see the episode of Tyra ( new millennium Oprah) where she went out in the fat suit and got a feel for how fatties are treated?
That got me thinking. Why should fat suits only be for skinny people? Why don’t they make a fat suit for fat people. It would be cheaper than a normal fat suit because you wouldn’t need so much fat in it. A fat person could put it on and spend the day getting stares and hearing the whispers. Then they would have the rush of ripping off their fat suit and suddenly feeling a whole lot better about themselves. It would be like waking up after liposuction, without the pain and bruising and bandages that have to stay on for weeks. Removing that fat suit would transform the fatty from morbidly obese to just really really fat.
It would also be a great new market for the makers of fat suits. I mean, how many daytime talk hosts and ladies magazine writers are going to do the ‘I found out what it was like to be fat for a day’ story? Not a huge market. My idea could send sales through the roof. I’ll tell you what will get fat. The fat suit maker’s bank accounts.

Castrover and out

So the old guy has finally retired and can I say well done on going out voluntarily. As opposed to being found in a hole under a mat on a farm by the Special Forces like Iraq’s old president.
Hussein had a beard that looked a bit like Castro’s. He grew his cause he was on the run from 200,000 US soldiers for months. What’s Castro’s excuse.
A lot of old people go somewhere warm when they retire. Alot of Americans go to Miami. Bet Castro wont be going there eh.
Anyway, he is already somewhere warm, and it has a good healthcare system.
So what now? Sign a lucrative sponsorship deal to be the face of a cigar? Or do a Pizza Hut ad like Gorby did?

Wonder if he will finally change out of his army fatigues? Maybe he’ll start wearing his PJ’s all day and go to the shop in his slippers.
Maybe he will ring talkback and bitch about the government.
Wonder if he and Mugabe have been chatting and supporting each other lately. ‘Go on. I’ll do it if you do it.’ ‘No, you do it first.’ ‘Ok, I will’
Of course Castro can retire in a little more comfort than Robert will be able to. Cuba is like Monaco compared to the drop kick of a disaster Zimbabwe has turned into.

Is it better to burn out than fade away? Maybe if Castro had died in the Bay of Pigs fighting off the CIA trained invaders with a machete and a pile of coconuts, he would have become as famous as his mate Che. Maybe Castro would be on t-shirts, beanies and cigarette lighters.
He was one of the last relics of the cold war, but legally the Yanks and the Russian cant stick him in one of their museums. Not till he’s dead anyway. I hope he writes a tell all book on his time in power on the pages of Cuban tabbacoo so that you can read the book then roll it and smoke it.
Viva the revaloution Castro, and enjoy not having to wear green anymore.

Chips in Space

Got very excited when I saw this packet in a lunch bar the other day. A sign of things to come I thought. Man has come up with the technology to liquefy chips. Chips in a tube if you will, although they appeared to have kicked off the break through with chips in a sachet.
Don’t make the mistake of not recognising the significance of this breakthrough, like the lady beside me who didn’t share my enthusiasm
If you can get chips in a tube, you can send them into space and that is going to revolutionize the spaceman’s diet. This is the kind of news that will get a lot of people thinking about going into space, who, until now, were put off by the lack of good food.

It later transpired that it wasn’t liquid chips, only vinegar and the picture was more of a serving suggestion, probably because vinegar is just brown liquid and not very interesting to photograph.

But, don’t be discouraged space food fans. It’s only a matter of time before they do work out how to put chips in a tube and when they do, food lovers everywhere will begin to think about going where no man prepared to put up with rubbish meals, has been before.