Baaaaaaaa. The war in Iraq was about oil. Baaaaaaa. What are you gonna Baaaaaaaa,

I’ve been watching films on U tube about the war in Iraq and they all beat the same drum. We were lied to. There were no WMD. The war was about oil. Saddam had no links to Bin Laden. The invasion was already being planned before 911.
A lot of people knew this before the invasion and now the truth is seeping down to the masses. Most of these films pull out experts. Ex CIA, Army, Government people to help prove the point.
But so what.
You think the men who planned the invasion. The men who wanted to get Saddam out of power and their hands on Iraq’s oil and care. Why should they.
You see what the men in power count on is the fact that we, the masses, are sheep. Especially in the West. We plod along in a flock. Most of us under the illusion that because we live in a democracy. That we, the people, are in control and because we ‘elected’ our leaders they will safe guard our interests and do the right thing by us.
Meanwhile, the men in power. And I’m not talking about the muppet out front who got the job from daddy. I’m talking about the men with the real power. The men off to the side. They just quietly go about doing what they want.
Want to kick out Saddam, get control of the oil and get Iraq to start selling oil in US dollars again. No problem. Tell the sheep Saddam is linked to 911 and has WMD. Sure the truth will come out eventually, but it will be too late by then. And it is. The job is done. When Bush was on that aircraft carrier in front of the sign ‘Mission Accomplished’. It was right. The mission was accomplished. The war hasn’t been won. But that wasn’t the object. As long as the war goes on there are plenty of men making loads of money. Ask the team at Halliburton. And as for the oil. They don’t need to start pumping it right now. They are too busy making loads of money off the oil they are pulling out of the ground everywhere else. Plenty of time before they need to start sucking Iraq dry.
And why can people like Bush Blair and Howard lie to the people that supposedly put them in power? Because they and their handlers know they wont be held accountable. Sure there will be a lot of films and protests by some of the angry sheep, but we’ll all get tired and go back to chewing grass. Politically we might se a few heads role, but hat doesn’t worry the men in power. There are plenty more Bill Clintons and George W Bushes to wheel out in front of the flock to provide the illusion that we have a choice of leaders and that the power is in our hands.
How did this happen? Surely we can blame someone for the travesty. It can’t be our own apathetic selves at fault. What about the greeney peace freeks? Why didn’t they try to persuade us a little harder? Why did they have to look so green and freaky and not very credible.
What about the political opposition? Surely they should have sniffed out what was going on. Isn’t that what the opposition do? Don’t tell me they're just waiting to have a turn in the drivers seat and serving the purpose of the men in power by making it look like we, the sheep, have an alternative choice in leaders. What about the press? Shouldn’t they have searched out the truth. Don’t tell me they're in the pockets of the men in power. (Or in the case of the embedded journalists, in the tanks and personnel carriers of the men in power).
So what do we do now?
Maybe if we make a real effort to hold the people in power that lied to us, accountable, we could send a message to our leaders that they can’t get away with bull shitting the flock. That there will be a price to pay. But that wont happen will it. The men at the top rely on the ineptitude and apathy of the flock. People like you and me who are too busy chewing grass and hoping someone will trim our dags.
I guess we get the leaders we deserve. Baaaaaaaaa. Baaaaaa. Baaaaa.

The Crap Pack

It has all turned to custard for Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears. Or the Crap Pack as I like to call them.
Lindsay has been in more rehab centers than watchable films in her short life. And now it looks like Britney might be joining her to get weaned of the jack and coke, and coke. Apparently Britney Spears mother Lynne received an anonymous phone call last week, tipping her off about the singer's drug taking.
Oh really? Are you telling me Lynne didn’t know? Don’t they get TV reception in her trailer park? Doesn’t she read magazines?
Paris did jail time instead of rehab but now she has announced she is off to Rwanda. Has someone told Pars there are no Prada, Gucci or Mui Mui stores in Rwanda? Maybe she isn’t going there for a handbag. Maybe she is gonna pull a Madonna and adopt a 3rd world kid to replace her tiny dog. Or maybe they will both have to squeeze into the same handbag. If she is only going there for a photo op couldn’t she just get someone to build a fake Rwanda set in Hollywood. If some of Paris’ emaciated pals spent a few extra hours on the tanning beds they would look just like the starving children in Rwanda. As if poor old Rwanda doesn’t enough problems now they will have to put up with the Platinum princess wafting through the country handing out copies of her porn tape. But maybe this could be the thing that brings the Hutu and the Tutsi together. (Has someone told Paris that these are tribes and not new types of perfume?) Maybe they can stop killing each other and learn to hate a common enemy. Bimbo American socialites who use dirt poor African nations to make themselves look good.

Brand Old

In Sri Lanka these factories are banging out jeans. That’s the easy bit. What takes time is all the extra effort they have to go to, to rub the jeans with sandpaper and wash them over and over to get them looking really old. But the Sri Lankan's don’t mind because they get to charge more for older shittier looking clothes. Mental when you think about it.
Imagine if the same trend took off with cars. You could buy a brand new Ferrari and for a bit more cash they could get little men to take to it with rocks and car keys. After scratching and denting the body they would attach doors that had been soaking in seawater so they were all rusty.
You would even have the option of a cracked windscreen so when you drove that car down mainstreet it looked like it had been places. If that trend took off it would be great for the makers of Humvees. The new H3 sucks. It looks like a suburban mums kid bus. Why not ad a little credibility by giving every new H3 a tour in Iraq to ‘age’ it. Nothing like real bullet holes and blood stained seats to add to that authentic all terrain look. Forget the cup holder and cigarette lighter. In a genuine Iraq conditioned Humvee you get an M16 gun rack and a place to stick your field dressings. Of course the war worn H3 would cost a little more depending on how many tours it had done. And maybe you pay more for a Humvee out of Iraq than Afghanistan because that is a more popular war. By popular I mean Iraq is in the news more. Maybe when America gets round to bombing Iran the Humvee people will be able to put a few H3’s near the Iranian nuclear plants to soak up some of those cruise missiles blasts. Imagine being the first stockbroker on your block to be driving a humvee that was conditioned in Iran with genuine US military hardware.

Rugby World Cup dribble

Just watched a Titanic struggle between the All Blacks and Romania. When I say Titanic what I mean is, like the film, everyone already knew the ending before it started.
You’re familiar with Beatle mania in the 60’s? Well along time before that there was Romania. People all over Europe were so hot for anything and everything Roman that they decided to name a country after it.

Romania filled the spot in the 2007 World Cup line up reserved for countries whose name ends in ‘ia’. Personally I would have like to see Transylvania get in. At halftime the whole team would pile off into the blood bin. For a drink…. Get it…. A drink……
Oh never mind.

If you’re not from New Zealand you probably cant grasp just how important the rugby world cup, and us winning it, is to little old New Zealand. Being a small island at the bottom of the planet we get very excited about anything that gets us attention from the big grown up country’s of the world. Rotary milking, man’s first flight, splitting of the atom, Rachel Hunter and big expensive racing yachts. We’ve tried a lot of different things. But the one that seems to work most consistently for us, is rugby.

The make up of the AB’s has changed over the years. Back in the day there were a lot of farmers in the team. These days there are a lot more city boys. But, just like the Sth African rugby union insists there are a number of black players in the national team, the All Blacks have to have at least one farmer in every starting 15. It’s a law. And at least 2 guitar players per touring squad.

There’s no doubt the All Blacks are getting bigger. The victorious 87 World Champs would look like ball boys along side the 2007 team. If they keep growing at this rate the All Blacks wont be able to fly in normal aircraft seats in 20 years time. New Zealand scientists are busy designing a special plane to carry the national squad. It is either that or they go on a cruise ship.

It’s all about the money these days in rugby. Big money. Sure a top All Black earns a year, what David Beckham earns in a week, but it is still big money down in New Zealand. Players will be looking for ways to make extra advertising bucks on the field and maybe some of them have already started. Take Jerry Collins. With his bright white flat top and black everything else, he looks like a pint of Guinness with legs. Smart move by the makers of Guinness. ‘Good things take time. Except a move by Jerry Collins.’

So the pool games are nearly over. Surprisingly, Georgia, Namibia and Timbucktoo didn’t deliver the performances their pre tournament form suggested……. But now we get to the sharp end of the competition ( I think I stole that line from Simon Fuller on American Idol). Maybe the AB’s will finally get a decent game and maybe they can hold it together and bring home the little silver cup. Or will we live up to our reputation as the best rugby team in the world. In between world cups. There’s a lot riding on this for us and if it doesn’t come off we might have to give Rachel Hunter a make over and marry her off to another ageing rocker.

Hairs to the rugby world cup

Has the IRB made a rule that every team in the 2007 World Cup has to have a man with a beard in it? Maybe it is a cynical move to capture the hard to reach lumberjack audience.
For a back a beard cant be good for wind resistance can it? And for a forward, surely it is just something for the opposition to grab onto. Ban the stupid beard I say. The Samoans got round the beard rule by giving some of their players’ hair bling’. Little beads and tassels. Apparently a team can field two players with hair bling instead of one player with a beard.

England Part 2

Poor old England. As if being hit by foot and mouth wasn’t bad enough they now have to contend with Blue Tongue. At least it is easy for the farmers to look for the symptoms. Foot and mouth was a bit unspecific because if your animals don’t have feet and mouths you’re in big trouble anyway. Maybe they should think about closing down England and turning it into a car park for Euro Disney? Just a thought. England’s National animal seems to be a lion. It is on a lot of stuff. I don’t remember a time that they ran wild. Maybe they did. Maybe they still do in the backwoods. Hope the blue tongue doesn’t kill em off. Or. Maybe England just stole the animal of another country. Like they lifted tea as their national drink and curry as their national dish from India.

Brain Dribble on England Part 1

England is a small island off the coast of Europe. Originally when god put it here the plan was that it would be a get away place for European people to come and hang out on. The Vikings used it for a while but didn’t treat the place too well and because the weather is crap it never really took off. Perhaps because of the weather English people have made such an effort to go out and conquer the rest of the world. At one point the British Empire had it’s creepy little tentacles all over the planet. They bought gifts too. And not just the STD’s their sailors were carrying. They bought new kinds of warfare, muskets, cannons, food and games. Games like rugby, football and cricket. The people in the country’s that England conquered learned the rules of the games then kicked the Poms out without so much as a 'cheerio old chap'. Except India who gave them some curry. But then aqs if that wasnt bad enough all the conquered countrys then proceeded to get really good at the sports the English left behind so they could kick their arses over and over again.
England has a Queen, but they used to have 2 till the lead singer of one died of AIDS. The best thing about England is that there is a pub on every corner. There has to be because the weather is so crap people cant walk too far. The other best thing about England is the traffic light system. When the light is red it flashes orange to let you know it is about to go green. This lets you save valuable mili seconds. All those milli seconds add up to minutes and those minutes can be spent waiting at the bar for your Guinness to be ready to drink. My Guiness is ready now so i have to go and drink it but i will be back later with more thoughts on England

Thoughts on airports. Airlines and waistlines

Why is it that just about every new airport that gets designed ends up being based on the shape of an aircraft wing? Boring. Don’t airport architects have any other ideas? What about other flying based themes? If I designed an airport it would be in the shape of an in-flightt meal. They are so cool with their little compartments. It would look amazing from the air. The container of water could be a giant glass carpark. The main course would be the main terminal the knife and fork could be a huge sculpture or water feature and in keeping with the in-flight meal tray theme the cheese could be a small yellow building that no one is ever able to open.

I have an idea that could revolutionise air travel. Everyone is into fitness right. So why not replace the seats with exercycles. People could pedal while they fly. It would be healthier than sitting on your arse. The whole deep vein thrombosis thing would be solved. You can get more exercycles into a plane and seats so that would be good for the airpline and no one want to eat while they are working out, so the airline would save money on the food as well.

EXERAIR – A healthier way to fly. Shrinking the cost of airtravel and your arse.

The Australian Navy's big boob.

Good bless you Australia. You loveable larrikins. If the world was throwing a party and you weren’t there I would be the first person on the blower, ‘Where the bloody hell are ya?’
The Aussie navy has been paying for their lady sailors to have boob jobs. It is thinking like that that earned Australia the nick name ‘the lucky country’. Not so lucky if you’re an Abo or a farmer or a refugee looking for asylum. But if you have a missus in the Australian navy with a small rack. Bingo! You just hit the jackpot brother.
Brigadier Andrew Nikolic said “We do consider the broader needs of our people, both physical and psychological.” Good on ya Andrew and everything you stand for.
The more cynical amongst you might say he was considering the needs of men stuck at sea for long periods of time looking for something a little more interactive than a poster on the wall, but I don’t think that’s the case at all. We hear a lot these days how an important role for the armed forces is to win the battle for the hearts and minds of the people in the countries they go to. Well what better way to do that than to send a boat load of fully stacked Aussie chicks ashore. How can you wage a war of terror when you are busy perving at the Shelia holding the M16 in the blue camo bikini?
Of course the Australian navy could have avoided all the ruckus in the press if they had simply explained that the ladies didn’t have breast enlargements. Instead they were having revolutionary new internal floatation devices attached.
The biggest hoo haa over the boob jobs came from other navies. It seems that there is a very competitive wet t shirt competition operating amongst the naval forces of some of the biggest nations in the world and there were concerns that Australia was trying to stack the odds (so to speak) of taking out the 2007 title. The Australian Navy denies this and has issued a statement saying the ladies will not be entering the competition. And it’s not just the Australian Navy that is have been looking into plastic surgery. It seems the Australian army were considering offering their men penis enlargement operations for the same ‘physical and psychological’ reasons but there were so many they decided it would be cheaper just give them bigger guns.

The Surge report that has congress in a spin.

General Patraeus testified to a congressional committee last week on the progress in Iraq. Some of the committee members thought it was a bit odd that the general started his presentation by handing out free sunglasses but everyone agreed the lovely rose tinted lens made for comfortable wearing. And things only got better. The generals general message to the crowd was that the Surge has worked its tits off. Violence is down, Iraqs armed forces are improving, Baghdad is more peaceful. In short, it is all good ladies and gentlemen. With the update on Iraq over so quick but the audience still enjoying their sun glasses General Patraeus went on to update them on some other big events. He reported that Global Warming is over and the planet is starting to cool down again. Britney Spears comeback performance at the MTV music awards was a huge sucsess and very well received by the audience. Burt Reynolds has decided to stop doing crap movies simply for the money. And Posh Spice has been a hug hit in America. Yes folks, it was a 5 star effort from a 4 star general.

My Italian design disaster.

Some clever Italian design guy realized that the shape of Italy would make a very handy bottle opener. Brilliant! But you would expect a cool design idea like that, from a country that prides itself on great design. What was even better about this was it also doubled as a fridge magnet. Now the fridge is where my beer lives and the opener is for the beer so having the two living as neighbors is brilliant. It saves me the walk across the kitchen to the draw with the unmagnetised bottle openers.
Just one problem. The hole that you put over the bottle cap is slightly too small. So rather than whipping the top off in one quick often practiced manner it take three or four attempts to loosen the little sucker.
How hard is it to make a bottle opener that works? Bottle caps aren’t like railway tracks or power points. They don’t have different gauges and types around the world. I know. I have opened beer across this lovely planets and I have never seen a bottle top come in anything other than the standard international agreed bottle top size. That’s why they sell so many souvenir bottle openers in airports. Because the souvenir people know it is a gift that can be used anywhere. Am I to believe that the Italian bottle opener fridge magnet design team didn’t bother to test their creation? What about the launch party? Didn’t anyone think to serve beer? Was it just wine? My grandad told me the Italians had lots of experience drinking beer. Every time they changed sides in the war they celebrated by opening a few bottles.
How can a bottle opener designer hope to have any credibility if he doesn’t open a fricken bottle of beer at least once. It would be like a group of Jehovah Witnesses starting up a business making Birthday cards.
I have been devastated by the performance of my Italian opener. Quite frankly it has left a bad taste in my mouth, although that could be the case of Sri Lankan beer I have had to work my way through this week. I don’t really rate Sri Lankan beer, but their country would make a nice ergonomically shaped bottle opener. Italy’s fuck up could be Sri Lanka’s gain.

Rugby World Cup 2007. Packing down with the future.

The world’s third most popular sporting event has rolled round again and the pressure is on for the famous All Blacks to bring home the silverware. They are without a doubt the best rugby team in the world between world cups. We just need to get thew timing right.
Being a tiny little island at the bottom of the world we place great importance on anything that gets us attention. The Americas Cup and Hobbits have worked for us from time to time, but rugby has been our main source of pride. Things got off to a good start with our game against Italy. I was surprised the Italians didn’t try to swap sides and come out with the All Blacks at half time. But it wasn’t really the work out the men in black need and I worry that they aren’t really going to get a decent run in their pool matches. We play Portugal next and they aren’t even putting their top team on the field. I wonder if they have Port in their sipper bottles? They’ll need it. If we have to play Portugal B I reckon the AB’s should only field players who have a letter B in their first name. Or perhaps give the Portuguese a head start. Maybe 10 minutes on the field by themselves at the start of each half.
Good to see the Japanese back for another hiding but at least they are starting to field a team of biggish looking blokes. Speaking of the Japanese there is a story going round that last week in New Zealand they found a Japanese player left over from the 87 world cup squad. He had been stuck in a very isolated part of New Zealand near Hamilton and thought the tournament was still going on. I reckon the Japanese should give up hiring old All Blacks as coaches and get their top scientists to build a team of rugby playing robots with laser beam eyes and electro magnets they switch on for a real solid bind in the scrum and hydraulic springs in the forwards legs for the lineout and built in cameras that play footage back to the ref so he doesn’t have to go upstairs, and boots that are welded on so there are no delays in play with boots coming off or undone laces
That would be cool team and I imagine its fans would be a healthy mix of anti sport computer nerds and rugby heads. And at the end of the day is rugby all about bringing people together? That’s why its called union.