Some words of mine on Beirut

http://www.listener.co.nz/lifestyle/travel/the-new-beirut

Horror plan for the pacific.

The NZ Government plans to take over the Pacific islands and turn them into giant resorts and factories for making coconut shell related goods. The islanders are to be shipped to a concentration camp set up in Western Springs Park.
They have it all mapped out.

Dental technology

Every now and then technology takes such a huge leap forward it takes a while for the world to catch up. Velcro shoes is a great example, vegemite in a tube is another. Today, I asked a work mate for some dental floss and my well cared for mouth dropped open when I saw what she produced. A pack so small that it took my lovely minty fresh breath away. If they can do this to a pack of dental floss it makes you wonder why the rest of the world's problems haven't been solved. Im talking about the big ones like how to get Lindsay Lohan clean and how to deflate Donatella Versace's lips. The dental scientists who came up with this marvel of modern packaging should be moved onto other projects post haste.

Hobbit horrors

I watched LOTR in the weekend and now I see why the actors are up in arms. I couldn't believe the treatment dished out to cast, but the Hobbits in particular. They had to face Orcs, Dead Horsemen and monsters made of fire, they had to sleep rough out in the open and only had crappy elven bread to eat. If you have ever been on a quest then you know how bland and unnutritional elven bread is. And lets not forget, the young Hobbits did all of this in BARE FEET.
I would hope that the first thing on the list of demands from the union is footwear for the Hobbits. If they are going to have their own film this is the perfect time for them to stand up for their rights. Shame on you Peter Jackson.

If my blog was a pot plant it would be dead by now

June 3 was my last update. Me poor old blog has withered and died from lack of attention. Partly distracted this week by the Tour de France. Lovely scenery. Bit like taking a close up look at Rod Stewart's model railway set. I love pro cycling. A place where men who like to shave their legs can be together without being judged. I dont know if banning the steroids is worth it. They all seem to want to use them so why not just let them. Be kind of cool to see incredible hulk type characters peddling away. I wonder if thats why they wear latex? So their bodies can expand.
Loving the cold war spy action thats been goin on with the yanks trading some russian spies for some of theirs. I hear that part of the deal was that the CIA tried to get the Russians to take David Hasselhoff, Kenny G and Paris HIlton but the Russkies refused.

Here's a link to me talking about stuff to In Business magazine. I made it to the cover as well. It's my first cover. Always hoped it would be French Vouge but this will do.

The poor mans embassy

I went for my interview at the Australian embassy here in Abu Dhabi to get my new passport. Offered to sing Waltzing Matilda to prove my ozziness but it wasn't required. New Zealand doesn't have an embassy in Abu Dhabi. They have a consulate in Dubai. Got me thinking. Why a consulate not an embassy? Is that the equivilent of house versus hotel in monopoly? Poorer countries cant afford to have embassies everywhere like the big boys so they go for the smaller cheaper consulate option. I wonder if sometime a country asks the host nation if they can call their consulate an embassy so it seems a bit more important? There is probably an international regulatory body who inspect consulates the way they inspect hotels to decide how many stars they deserve. New Zealand has lots of consulates and a few embassies. Maybe it works the other way round too. What if someone like America told a small unimportant nation 'we have decided to open a consulate in your country' That's a super power's way of saying 'you aint all that'. I bet America doesnt open consulates in countries that have lots of oil. Abundant oil resources would guarrantee you an embassy i reckon. Wasnt all that impress by the Australian embassy. Thought it should have been decorated like one of those Walkabout Pubs, and the security guard should have had a hat with corks dangling off it, but he didn't. Not even a stuff Kangaroo in reception and a choice of tea coffee or Four x. Just a few of the suggestions i jotted down on the back of my passport application for the ambassador to read. I expect they will get back to me soon about my ideas. Cheers mate.

Ozzie ozzie ozzie ? ? ?

Got an interview at the Australian embassy tomorrow for my new passport. My wife is a kiwi. She just sends her old one off with some new photos and that's it. For Australians you have to go in and have a 'interview'. I'm not sure what to expect but I'm taking no chances. I've been swatting up all day. I know the winners of the Grand Final for the last 20 years. Every Midnight Oil Album title and the lyrics to 'Beds are burning'. I also know four jokes that involve kiwis and sheep shagging and I can drink a can of Fosters in under 53 seconds. I'm quietly confident.

Things are blowing up in Iran

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has been in the news talking about explosions again. But this time he wants a population explosion.
This week, the president who's name is used in tongue twister drinking games around the world (not Iran) has told his people to get out and make the earth move, or get into bed and make the earth move. Whatever floats your boat. Cant help but feel this is sending mixed messages to the good people of Iran but I bet they like the second message better.
Iran have a two child policy which I think works a little better than the 2.5 kids model. It's the half a kid I always worry about. Not only because they would get picked on in school but also the extra strain on the medical services with all these mutant half children walking about. Or dragging themselves along the footpath with their hands if they are only a top half. A family with two parents and kids is called a nuclear family. I'm glad President Ahmadinejad didn't go on about nuclear families in his statement, that would just be a red rag to Israel and United State's bull wouldn't it.

Iranian Missile Crisis

Saw this headline and can't help wondering what all the fuss is about. I mean, if it takes that long for an Iranian Missile to get to America it must going really really slow. Even a guy in a micro light with an air rifle could probably get up there and shoot it down. I have a better idea Iran. Why don't you get DHL to deliver your missile. They could get it to America in a few days.
If the Iranians really want to cause carnage in the west they should talk to Iceland about borrowing one of their volcanoes. How many more do they have hiding under the glaciers? And speaking of glaciers, I thought Al Gore reckoned they would all be gone by now. Maybe if global warming was a little more advanced and all the glaciers were gone we would be able to spot those troublesome volcanoes that have been hiding under the ice.

BAD TOUCHING

I saw on the news that they are putting out adult content in braille. Guess it doesn’t matter if masturbating makes you go blind now. I wonder if the stories could be ribbed for extra pleasure.
If Braille readers want to have safe sex reading maybe they will have to wear latex gloves.
I wonder if the word G spot will be a G or just a spot. Maybe you could have a big bump with a tiny bump on top of it, and that could be a boob.
Mind you, in a braille porno mag a blind person would have to watch out for the staples in the centre fold.
Porn Braille – for people who like to do it with the lights off.

Finger lickin God

The Shroud of Turin is goin on display for the first time in 10 years and when i saw it on telly last night I couldn't help noticing that the mysterious image looks a little like Colonel Saunders when he has his contact lenses in.
How many secret herbs and spices are there. 11 or is it 12?
One sure way to find out would be to test the shroud for chicken grease.

To talk of toast

Article I just wrote for the good folks at Media Week about a new, exciting, golden brown advertising medium.

Engrish

It wasn't his driving I rang to complain about.

School sports day me hearties.

The wife told me it is our daughters school sports day tomorrow. Then she said it was also Pirate day. What a cool idea. Every school does sports day. How many do Pirate Sports day? There could be a competition to dig a hole to bury a chest. A running race where you have to keep the parrot on your shoulder. Walk the plank and get points of for the way you jump off. A wooden leg race instead of a three-legged race. The winner could get pieces of eight instead of medals and then we could all drink rum. My wife said the rum was a bad idea because the kids would be too drunk to do their lessons in the afternoon. She rang me later to say it is pirate day next week so sports day tomorrow will be the same old same old. Pity, I was ready me hearties!

Excerpts from Badly Drawn Planet

Here are a few of me etchings from my latest book Badly Drawn Planet. This book would make the perfect Christmas gift for anyone on the planet ... except me cause I got a free one from the lovely people at Summersdale.

Nigerian Scam Emails. A new course.

I got this email the other day. In fact it came to me twice and I’m excited. I have blogged before about the dire state of the Nigerian Email scam business. Their need to change, evolve with the market. Stop banging out the same old stories. That’s why this one was a breath of fresh air.

From: Captain J. M. K.
Efax:- +1-773-337-9207
Satellite Phone:- +88-216-210-156-56
Mobile:- +966-595-178-607
Private Email:- captainjmk@gmail.com

Dear Sir:

My name is Captain J. M. K. of the USS Cole (DDG 67), during one of our expedition, some pirates were intercepted on the High sea about 30 miles from the coast of Yemen by my team and some huge of money were recovered from them.

This money has been shared among some of us who are privy to the information and I really want to move my own share to safe custody and also for any viable investment.

Nothing much is requested from you except TRUST and MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING, as I am ready and willing to transfer my own share of this money to you for safe keeping and further disbursement while you will be given some percentage for your effort.

If you agree to assist me in this transaction, do let me know so that I can give you more information.

I will really be expecting your urgent response.

Regards

Captain J.M. K.


This email marks a huge step forward for those scamming pricks. It has pirates, the US Navy, a sexy enigmatic main character in Captain J.M.K, and it’s based on a topical event. You can’t make this shit up … well, ok , you can, but I’m hooked. Really. I feel like responding and then sending them the money they will no doubt need to free up the funds, just to reward them for their extra efforts. Ok, so the English is still a bit ropey. I imagine that the captain of a guided missile destroyer has a better grasp of the written word, but then again, knowing the dire state of America’s education system, maybe not. And fuck it, the gullible bastards that fall for this stuff wont notice anyway. Good on you Nigeria email scammers. Good to see you responding to the tough economic times.

Having a blast in the Leb

Been thinking about guns a bit lately. This week, Mikhail Kalashnikov the inventor of the AK47 turned 90. If I had a choice between being the guy who invented the AK47 and the guy who invented Velcro, I would pick the AK47. I hope someone made him a cake shaped like an AK47 with 90 little candles that look like bullets. Actually, I bet he got that when he turned 47. That would have been funnier. Speaking of guns, I had a shooting weekend in Lebanon. Brilliant fun. Car loads of unshaven men roaring into the Beqaa valley with trunks full of guns. The humble Matwa was the target. Bigger than a sparrow, smaller than a pigeon. Fast little buggers and they have a habit of flying low. Hundreds of men standing in fields, blasting away. What could possibly go wrong? A few things as it happened. The count at the end of the weekend was 1 dead and 9 injured. And I’m not talking about the Matwa. As a result the Lebanese government has banned the sport. It was already illegal but none of the soldiers or police at the numerous checkpoints on the way into the valley seemed to care that we were all off for a few hours of bang bang. It will be a different story from now on they reckon so I’m glad I got in there last weekend.

Saint Obama

The new shiny Nobel prize is sitting on his desk. Now, could his minders be positioning him for an even more celestial award?

Printmen Review

I dont know who Yondette Larsen is but I love her cause she loves me book.

http://www.satellite.ac.nz/articles/reviews/2009/09/book-review-printmen/

The Fridge Space Race

Media Week ME Aug 9

NASA recently celebrated the 40th anniversary of man landing on the moon. It was meant to be a monkey on the moon, because NASA originally sent primates into space, but the scientists freaked out after watching Planet of the Apes and decided to go with humans. When I think of the moon landing I see the classic example of the client trying to save some money by cutting out their agency and film company, and doing the job themselves. The footage of Neil Armstrong is amateur to say the least. Bad lighting, only one camera angle. Conspiracy theorists will tell you the moon landing was shot in a studio. No way. If it had, it would have looked much better. I bet NASA regretted not forking out for a film crew and someone from their ad agency to go along on Apollo 11. And what about the talent. Neil Armstrong only had two lines and he still stuffed it up. ‘That’s one small step for man’ was supposed to be ‘That’s one small step for A man.’ NASA should have spent the extra money on hiring a professional actor, instead of roping in one of their staff. Look at Tom Hanks. He went into space and had heaps of lines and he nailed it. Apparently the modern fridge has more computing power than Apollo 11 did, and that got me thinking. Why don’t we send fridges into space instead of men? Think about it. If a fridge from earth, landed on another planet that contained life forms, what kind of impression would that make? Obviously they’d deduce that we are so busy and have so much cool stuff happening on our little green rock, that we don’t have time to fly around looking for aliens. This is automatically going to make us a must visit destination and we need an edge people. In case you didn’t know, the universe in infinite, so there are a lot of planets in lots of galaxies competing for that visiting space alien market. A fridge full of yummy food is a classy way to say hi. When one lands on the planet of the aliens who are responsible for all the anal probes, I imagine they’re going to feel pretty embarrassed. The only downside to our gastronomic gidday is that we’ll have to be careful with the expiry dates. It would be a shame for our first contact with an advanced race to be when their lawyers issue legal proceeding for food poising. When it comes to deciding what food to send, we can get those rich food companies to pay for the privilege. This would help fund the space program, rather than the poor old American taxpayer, and that way they their tax dollars can be put towards invading more countries. Imagine the publicity spin offs for a food manufacturer when they get a quote from an alien who has just arrived here that goes something like ‘ I traveled 45 light years for the cool refreshing taste of Nescafe Iced Coffee. I propose we send a selection of the planet’s greatest perishables, designed to titillate the taste buds and impress potential new visitors. We should definitely send ‘I cant believe it’s not butter’ and some real butter, so they wont be able to believe it for themselves. The space shuttle had a faulty O-ring, but I’ve never had a bad onion ring, so we should send some of those and a decent selection of low fat items would be advisable as well. Think about it. You never see chubby aliens. Those grays with the big eyes look like they watch their weight. Sending fridges into space would be a lot cheaper than rockets. You don’t even need one of the fancy ones with the built in ice dispenser, because there’s plenty of ice in space. The path to the final frontier starts in the kitchen. Forget ‘We come in peace.’ Lets go with peas and frozen carrots.