Some words of mine on Beirut

http://www.listener.co.nz/lifestyle/travel/the-new-beirut

Horror plan for the pacific.

The NZ Government plans to take over the Pacific islands and turn them into giant resorts and factories for making coconut shell related goods. The islanders are to be shipped to a concentration camp set up in Western Springs Park.
They have it all mapped out.

Dental technology

Every now and then technology takes such a huge leap forward it takes a while for the world to catch up. Velcro shoes is a great example, vegemite in a tube is another. Today, I asked a work mate for some dental floss and my well cared for mouth dropped open when I saw what she produced. A pack so small that it took my lovely minty fresh breath away. If they can do this to a pack of dental floss it makes you wonder why the rest of the world's problems haven't been solved. Im talking about the big ones like how to get Lindsay Lohan clean and how to deflate Donatella Versace's lips. The dental scientists who came up with this marvel of modern packaging should be moved onto other projects post haste.

Hobbit horrors

I watched LOTR in the weekend and now I see why the actors are up in arms. I couldn't believe the treatment dished out to cast, but the Hobbits in particular. They had to face Orcs, Dead Horsemen and monsters made of fire, they had to sleep rough out in the open and only had crappy elven bread to eat. If you have ever been on a quest then you know how bland and unnutritional elven bread is. And lets not forget, the young Hobbits did all of this in BARE FEET.
I would hope that the first thing on the list of demands from the union is footwear for the Hobbits. If they are going to have their own film this is the perfect time for them to stand up for their rights. Shame on you Peter Jackson.

If my blog was a pot plant it would be dead by now

June 3 was my last update. Me poor old blog has withered and died from lack of attention. Partly distracted this week by the Tour de France. Lovely scenery. Bit like taking a close up look at Rod Stewart's model railway set. I love pro cycling. A place where men who like to shave their legs can be together without being judged. I dont know if banning the steroids is worth it. They all seem to want to use them so why not just let them. Be kind of cool to see incredible hulk type characters peddling away. I wonder if thats why they wear latex? So their bodies can expand.
Loving the cold war spy action thats been goin on with the yanks trading some russian spies for some of theirs. I hear that part of the deal was that the CIA tried to get the Russians to take David Hasselhoff, Kenny G and Paris HIlton but the Russkies refused.

Here's a link to me talking about stuff to In Business magazine. I made it to the cover as well. It's my first cover. Always hoped it would be French Vouge but this will do.

The poor mans embassy

I went for my interview at the Australian embassy here in Abu Dhabi to get my new passport. Offered to sing Waltzing Matilda to prove my ozziness but it wasn't required. New Zealand doesn't have an embassy in Abu Dhabi. They have a consulate in Dubai. Got me thinking. Why a consulate not an embassy? Is that the equivilent of house versus hotel in monopoly? Poorer countries cant afford to have embassies everywhere like the big boys so they go for the smaller cheaper consulate option. I wonder if sometime a country asks the host nation if they can call their consulate an embassy so it seems a bit more important? There is probably an international regulatory body who inspect consulates the way they inspect hotels to decide how many stars they deserve. New Zealand has lots of consulates and a few embassies. Maybe it works the other way round too. What if someone like America told a small unimportant nation 'we have decided to open a consulate in your country' That's a super power's way of saying 'you aint all that'. I bet America doesnt open consulates in countries that have lots of oil. Abundant oil resources would guarrantee you an embassy i reckon. Wasnt all that impress by the Australian embassy. Thought it should have been decorated like one of those Walkabout Pubs, and the security guard should have had a hat with corks dangling off it, but he didn't. Not even a stuff Kangaroo in reception and a choice of tea coffee or Four x. Just a few of the suggestions i jotted down on the back of my passport application for the ambassador to read. I expect they will get back to me soon about my ideas. Cheers mate.

Ozzie ozzie ozzie ? ? ?

Got an interview at the Australian embassy tomorrow for my new passport. My wife is a kiwi. She just sends her old one off with some new photos and that's it. For Australians you have to go in and have a 'interview'. I'm not sure what to expect but I'm taking no chances. I've been swatting up all day. I know the winners of the Grand Final for the last 20 years. Every Midnight Oil Album title and the lyrics to 'Beds are burning'. I also know four jokes that involve kiwis and sheep shagging and I can drink a can of Fosters in under 53 seconds. I'm quietly confident.

Things are blowing up in Iran

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has been in the news talking about explosions again. But this time he wants a population explosion.
This week, the president who's name is used in tongue twister drinking games around the world (not Iran) has told his people to get out and make the earth move, or get into bed and make the earth move. Whatever floats your boat. Cant help but feel this is sending mixed messages to the good people of Iran but I bet they like the second message better.
Iran have a two child policy which I think works a little better than the 2.5 kids model. It's the half a kid I always worry about. Not only because they would get picked on in school but also the extra strain on the medical services with all these mutant half children walking about. Or dragging themselves along the footpath with their hands if they are only a top half. A family with two parents and kids is called a nuclear family. I'm glad President Ahmadinejad didn't go on about nuclear families in his statement, that would just be a red rag to Israel and United State's bull wouldn't it.

Iranian Missile Crisis

Saw this headline and can't help wondering what all the fuss is about. I mean, if it takes that long for an Iranian Missile to get to America it must going really really slow. Even a guy in a micro light with an air rifle could probably get up there and shoot it down. I have a better idea Iran. Why don't you get DHL to deliver your missile. They could get it to America in a few days.
If the Iranians really want to cause carnage in the west they should talk to Iceland about borrowing one of their volcanoes. How many more do they have hiding under the glaciers? And speaking of glaciers, I thought Al Gore reckoned they would all be gone by now. Maybe if global warming was a little more advanced and all the glaciers were gone we would be able to spot those troublesome volcanoes that have been hiding under the ice.

BAD TOUCHING

I saw on the news that they are putting out adult content in braille. Guess it doesn’t matter if masturbating makes you go blind now. I wonder if the stories could be ribbed for extra pleasure.
If Braille readers want to have safe sex reading maybe they will have to wear latex gloves.
I wonder if the word G spot will be a G or just a spot. Maybe you could have a big bump with a tiny bump on top of it, and that could be a boob.
Mind you, in a braille porno mag a blind person would have to watch out for the staples in the centre fold.
Porn Braille – for people who like to do it with the lights off.

Finger lickin God

The Shroud of Turin is goin on display for the first time in 10 years and when i saw it on telly last night I couldn't help noticing that the mysterious image looks a little like Colonel Saunders when he has his contact lenses in.
How many secret herbs and spices are there. 11 or is it 12?
One sure way to find out would be to test the shroud for chicken grease.

To talk of toast

Article I just wrote for the good folks at Media Week about a new, exciting, golden brown advertising medium.