Time off for bad behavior

Need a couple of weeks to work on my new book without the added pressure of keeping this little pot plant topped up.
Back around Jan 12th.

Toodle pip

It’s good to have someone to blame.

Got up this morning and discovered someone had spilt a bowl of cornflakes on the couch in the lounge. My daughter, who was in the room watching TV said she suspected it had been carried out by al-Qaeda. I had to admit that it did have all the tell tale signs of a how I imagine al-Qaeda would attack my couch with milk. When the missus got up she didn't share our convictions about the identity of perpetrators but by then we had already made a statement to the media so it was too late.

Pool Bars – Another reason it is hard being a parent.

It’s hard being a parent. Kids ask you questions and you are expected to know the answer. For example when we went to the Coliseum in Rome, Frankie wanted to know why it had holes in it. I couldn’t be bothered explaining that during the Middle Ages poor people had chipped holes in the stone to get at the copper that the Romans had used to lock the blocks together. So the missus told her it was made of cheese and a giant mouse had eaten some of it. She loved that answer a lot more than the ‘searching for copper’ story would have gone down and it was also fricken hilarious listening to her explain the giant mouse situation to a group of American tourists. But sometimes it’s more complicated. Like when we were at the pool bar at a hotel. I had to tell Frankie not to splash, because the drunken English guy beside us was trying to smoke. She didn’t understand that at all. We were in a pool. If you cant splash in a pool, where can you splash? She had a point and I didn’t have a good argument. All I could do by way of defense of what is one of man’s greatest inventions, was to point out that this was one bar where you didn’t have to bother leaving to go to the toilet. Mind you, I have been in a few normal bars where that happens.

Naivety. The birth of christ.

M – You took your time. Lets get up to the room I’m knackered.

J – Well, there’s a bit of a problem.

M – Problem? What do you mean problem? It’s late, and my bum is sore. This saddle you made is rubbish. What do you mean problem?

J – The Inn is full.

M – Full! Really. Well I wonder if that has anything to do with the fact there is a fricken census on and everyone has returned home to this poxy little town. ‘Book a room’ I said. ‘The place will be full’ I said. But Oh no not you. Not Mr ‘Hey it’s my hometown they’ll have a special room set aside for me’. So what are we supposed to do now? Turn round and ride home?

J – Well no. They can fit us in. They said we could stay in the manger.

M – Manger? What’s a effin manger?

J – Over there.

M – You’ve got to be joking. That! It’s a fricken stable! Do they call it a manger so they cant rent it out to suckers like you.

J – They said we could have it for free.

M – Free! Oh really! How bloody gracious of them. They are letting the PREGNANT WOMAN! STAY IN THEIR STABLE FOR FREE!!!!!! THANYOU VERY BLOODY MUCH.

J- Mary quiet. Someone will hear you.

M – Who Joseph? Who will hear me? Everyone else got here hours ago. You know why? Because they came on horses. Not stupid little Donkeys. And now they are all tucked up safely asleep in their rooms. Which they booked months IN ADVANCE! Oh shit!

J – What is it? What’s wrong Mary?

M – My waters just broke.

J – On the saddle? I was going to sell that when we got home.

M – What did you say?

J – Nothing. How about we get you into the stab… the manger, and get you comfortable.

M - What are you doing with that hay? You expect me to lie on a bed of hay like a pregnant cow?

J - This? I was going to feed the donkey. He’s come along way.

M – The donkey! You were going to feed the donkey!

J – He cost a lot of money. I have to take him back to the rental company in the condition we got him.

M – You are unbelievable. What kind of carpenter doesn’t even own his own bloody Donkey anyway. I’ll tell you what kind. A bloody useless one.
You know this kid isn’t even yours don’t you?

J – Mary, please. Calm down. You’re just tired and emotional.

M – Emotional eh. Well you would you be too if you were having the SON OF GOD!

J – Mary. Please, be quiet. People will hear you.

M – Well I don’t care. I don’t care if everyone knows that I AM HEAVY WITH THE SON OF GOD. And let me tell you something Joseph, when the messiah arrives things are going to change for me. No more riding around on rented donkeys for a start. What do you have to say to that eh?

J – Well I guess the planet could do with a new messiah. I just wish you had told me earlier.

M – Why? So you would have had time to dump me? Immaculate conception freak you out eh builder boy? Can’t handle the idea of havin your missus womb used for God’s work?

J – No. It’s just that I bet the owner of the Inn would have given us a proper room if he’d known. Now lets get you inside eh, here come those three blokes on camels. I’m, sure they’ve been following us.

Mr bollocks

So I am on this road trip this weekend. The missus and the sprog are asleep, but I want to listen to some tunes up loud. Cunningly I had prepared for the eventuality as I had packed my trusty I shuffle.
Problem was, that when I loaded it last week I was in this Lah De Dah reflective, sunny mood where I felt like listening to acoustic strummy tunes and it was filled with stuff by David Gray and James Blunt.
Do you think David Gray wants to kick James Blunt’s arse, cause he was like the easy listening pommy guitar troubadour back when Blunt was fanging around in a tank and then as if traveling overseas and killing people at the tax payers expense wasn’t enough fun for one lifetime, he drops his camo gear, picks up a guitar and suddenly Blunt is the new Grey…….…or do they just shake hands when they meet at industry functions and say stuff like, ‘I really like your lyrics man, lets find a really fucked up African country and write a duet for them. Flick some of the royalties their way, get our photo taken with some skinny kids and score ourselves a few centimeters of exposure in Time magazine.

Anyway…back on the road what I really wanted to listen to was some loud guitars and if I couldn’t have then I didn’t want nuttin, so I dumped the shuffle and decided to think up
all the ‘Mr’ products I could.
Mr Chips, Mr whippy, Mr guy that cuts your keys whose name I cant exactly remember. I think it was Minute. And then I thought of Mr Mister Mister, the band, who as far as I know only ever had one hit. I could google them to find out more but I’m not really interested to be honest. In fact the Mr game lasted about as long as it took you to read about it. Wonder where they are now? Probably gearing up to play New Years Eve at the Niagra Falls Holiday Inn. ‘Take, these golden wings, and learn to fly, something, something,… up so high……again….. blah blah blah.

That was it really….That was what I thought I would write about. Obvioulsy looking back now I am not sure why I bothered, but when I started out I didn’t know it was going to end up like this did I? Bit like ‘You’re Beautiful’. I’m sure James didn’t mean that song to be such an annoying f#&*ing waste of 3 minutes and 33 seconds. So count yourself lucky by my reckoning you’ve only spent about 1 minute and 27 seconds reading this. Maybe a bit longer for all you slow readers who never had the gumption to invest in the speed reading course for only 39.95. Actually it will be a bit longer than 1 minutes 27 seconds because when I timed it I hadn’t put in the bit about the speed-reading course. I only thought of that now and I can’t be arsed going back and reading this again. I have proper stuff to write. Tonight it is a short story about a gold fish that works in a sex bar in Thailand but really wants to be a pilot. True story. Well it isn’t obviously. But it is one of the sort stories I am putting in me book. So that's something to look forward to. That and the New Years Eve Buffet at the Niagra Falls Holiday Inn. Brilliant apparently.

Santa Bollocks.

So here we go again. That time of the year where all the stranger danger we instill into our kids is undone. The time of year where we take our kids to the mall and tell them to go sit on the lap of the strange old man and get a sweetie from him. This is the guy, we tell our kids, who will creep into their bedroom on Christmas eve and give them a present. But only if they have been good, because this old man has been watching them all year. He knows what they have been up to. Seen an old man hanging around outside your kid’s school this year? Don’t call the cops, it’s probably just Santa in disguise. We even leave out milk and cookies so Santa can take a break form prowling around our kids bedrooms. My dad used to leave out a beer, he thought Santa would like that more. Imagine if Santa had a beer at every house he stopped at. Hell, even if he only had one at every 20th house, he’s still be completely trashed after a couple of hours on the job. This year I am leaving out some carrot sticks and a low fat yoghurt. Lets face it, the guy is a heart attack waiting to happen and I don’t want him keeling over in daughters bedroom. 12 Reindeer? To pull that lump of lard and a sack ful of presents? Bet Doner and Blitzen and Rudolf and the gang wouldn’t mind if the old boy lost a few kg’s.

Thank you for bombing countries faraway from you America.

The US Space Program gave us velcro and the cordless drill. US long range bombing gave us mid air refueling, and it is this technology that allows Santa to get around the world in 24 hours. Think about it. If he had to keep stopping for reindeer food and more presents he’s never get it done. So each year when he takes of in his sleigh, another, super sized sleigh crewed by specially trained elves, also takes off loaded with reindeer food, presents and red bulls for Santa. Here’s another little bit of Christmas trivia you might not know about. Ever wondered where all the reindeer wee and poo goes? In the old days they used to just take a dump on whatever roof they were on at the time. In the 50’s, America paid Santa to make his reindeer unload over Russia just for a laugh. But after some bad PR Santa’s people had to review their operation and came up with a solution that the special forces use. Santa and his Reindeer now poo in bags and take the waste with them. There’s a conversation starter when you sit down for Christmas dinner this year.

Posh Spice havin a Ball

Costume Malfunction? Maybe. But on closer inspection it does look a lot like Posh has a small right testicle tucked under her arm. Hers you think? Or is it a precaution she takes when she is away from David. He strayed once before. Maybe if she keeps hold of his nuts. Even just one of them, he will think twice about any offside play. Nervous times for David. I don’t think he would be worried about her losing his nut, she has an army of minders and it probably gets better care than the little sprogs it helped create. But how does he feel about her taking it out and showing it off to the world? And wouldn’t those hot stage lights make the poor little thing dry up? Maybe it is her way of saying to the world ‘I am making a sack load of money on this tour.’
I noticed it appears to be shaved. Maybe that’s so it doesn’t cause Victoria any chaffing. But that begs the question why she put it under her arm like that and didn’t wear it in a bag round her neck? Maybe that would have clashed with her costume. I bet Dave cant wait till the end of the Spice Girls tour when he can be reacquainted with his family and his right nut.

Gravy Bollocks

Why do they call it the Gravy Boat? Is it because it looks a bit like a boat? Tenuous link. Maybe after grandma has had a few sherries it starts looking like a boat.
I have heard of the Gravy Train. Why not call the gravy container the gravy train and then people would get it. Maybe they could make a little gravy server in the shape of a train.
But while we have the Gravy Boat, why doesn’t a gravy maker do ‘Gravy Boat in a bottle’ and it is a bottle of gravy and when you have poured out all the gravy there is a boat in there. You wash it out and have your very own ‘Gravy Boat in a bottle’ on the bookshelf to impress you friends. You could collect a set of them and you wouldn’t know what boat you had till your bottle of gravy was running low.

Bang!

In Britain the Scots Guards Association is preparing 650 Christmas parcels for soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan but they have to take the crackers out because the RAF classify them as explosives and they are banned on their planes. I assume that rule doesn’t apply to the bombs their bombers carry or it wouldn’t make them a very effective air force.
But back to the crackers. Do you think a soldier in Iraq or Afghanistan really wants a cracker in a care package? In a country full of things that go ‘BANG!’ all the time is it really necessary? It’s a bit like giving a bar tender a bottle of booze for Christmas? Or giving a builder a present he has to assemble himself? Or giving a hooker a porno film?

Bendy straw bollocks

The way I see it the bendy straw was a complete waste of time. You can’t get anything out of a glass with a bendy straw that you can’t get with a normal straw. And do those few centimeters of bendiness really make it easier for you to get your lips around it?
When alien life forms come to post apocalyptic earth and start looking at all the stuff we have invented the few remaining survivors of the human race are in for some major embarrassment when the aliens question them about the bendy straw.
‘What is this?’
‘It’s a bendy straw’
‘How is this different to the normal straw?’
‘It’s bends near the top.’
‘Why?’
‘So you can……. Bend it.’
‘Why?’
‘….Ummm…. Hey have you seen these. They’re called post it notes. These are really useful.’
The aliens would totally get it if it were a bendy anal probe. You need something bendy if it is going up the poop canal. But a straw? I doubt they will say anything to our faces. But when they go back to their home planet, they are going to get a lot of intergalactic laughs telling their mates about how the earthlings wasted time and money inventing bendy straws.
There is an ad for Shell oil on the box at the moment. One more of those big budget hand jobs the oil companies put on, to try and convince you they aren’t running round raping the planet and ripping off the locals. So this Dutch guy watches his son finish a drink with a bendy straw and gets an idea for a drill the goes down AND across. Which the bendy straw would have done if it were upside down. But it wasn’t. Why? Cause while that might be useful for sucking oil out of the ground, you don’t need to do it to finish a chocolate milkshake.
Just think what the inventor of the bendy straw could have put his creative energy, time and effort into instead of the stupid straw. He might have invented cornflakes that don’t go soggy in milk. A music video concept for Shakira that doesn’t involve her dancing like a stripper for 3 and a half minutes. Or a better ending for the Matrix films. I don’t know who invented the bendy straw. Maybe they went onto bigger and better things. Maybe the bendy straw was the inspiration for the bendy bus. I hope so, because the bottom line is the Bendy Straw sucks.

Sweet Caroline. The dodgy truth.

So it turns out Neil Daimond got the inspiration for Sweet Caroline 40 years ago when he saw a picture of Caroline Kennedy beside her horse. She was about 9 because he fessed up to her at her 50th birthday.
It kind of changes the way you view some of the lyrics of the song eh.

Where it began, I can't begin to know when

(Yes you do. It was when you saw the photo of the 9 year old)
But then I know it's growing strong

(What is growing Neil?)
Oh, wasn't the spring, whooo

And spring became the summer

Who'd believe you'd come along


(If she did, I hope it was under parental supervision)

Hands, touching hands, reaching out

(your little secret eh)
Touching me, touching you

(that is known as bad touching Neil)
Oh, sweet Caroline

Good times never seem so good

I've been inclined to believe it never would


(you’re lucky the Secret Service didn’t arrest your arse)

You’ve got cock

Before the internet, email and spam, how did men find out about how to make their dicks bigger? We truly live in a magical age.
I'l tell you another incredible thing about the internet. Because I have written the words penis enlargement as one of the labels for this post, people searching 'penis enlargement' on the net will have this blog entry turn up as one of the results. If you are one of those men and are reading this, my question is why are you looking it up on the net? Don't you get 5 or 6 emails a week giving you all the details about how to get a more pronounced pecker? It's like Nigerian scam letters. They find you. These have to be two of the most popular spam emails in cyber space. Some smart spam scammer should combine them to create the ultimate bullshit story.

Dear Sir I am writing this with deep regard for your honorableness. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Matheiko Twathanass. Last year my husband died on a plane crash in Sth Africaa (news link attached). All they recovered form the charred wreckage of the plane was his huge 21 inch schlong for which he was famous in our village.
I have been left to care for my 8 children, but with no funds for my good self I have been forced to sell my husbands super sized man handle. It is currently being held in a chilled vault in Switzerland. All I ask is your help gaining access to what is rightfully mine and in return I will be happy to share a good portion of the length with you.

Humour from the streets

Being a street cleaner must suck. Which is why I was chuffed to see this the other day. It is one thing to take pride in your work but it is even better if you can take time out to have a bit of a laugh. The unknown cleaner must have gone for a wee wee or a quick bite to eat, but he took the time, using only equipment he had available to him, to make a simple humorous gag.
Thank you unknown street cleaner man, you made me smile. When I came upon this installation I dropped the chip packet i was holding and took a photo. Not only have I shared your work with the world. When you came back you had more rubbish to pick up. So I played my part in helping to keep you employed.

How do you bomb knowledge?

The US Government’s 16 intelligence agencies have come out and said that Iran halted its nuclear ambitions in 2003. A very intelligent move for once. They saw how their colleagues were hung out to dry in the wake of the failure to find WMD in Iraq, so rather than keep quiet now and help Bush with his plan to bomb Iran back to the stone age, they have decided to implement and arse covering maneuver and come out with the truth now.
So what does Bush do? Change the rules.
Suddenly it is not about having the facilities to build nuclear weapons. It is having the ‘knowledge’. Maybe the Iranian nuclear scientists should hand themselves into the men in black. Tommy Lee and Will Smith could wipe their minds with those little flash things and they would be free of the knowledge. Failing that how do you do fight knowledge?
I suspect Bush’s answer is that same as the solution to the Iran problem last week.
You bomb.

Desert Safari Bollocks Part 2

Our convoy rolled up at the same time as 7 or 8 other vehicles and people of all nations came together to empty the sand out of their shoes. For those wanting to ride a camel or to snowboard down a sand dune, this was their chance. Camels are not nice animals. I suspect the reason they live in the desert is that all the other animals on the planet chased them away from the good spots. And there’s nothing dignified about riding a camel. I have the video footage of my wife to prove it. Some people aren’t happy with only having sand in their shoes, hair and mouth. They want the full ‘sand in your undies’ desert experience. This is where the sand boarding comes in. All the sand you can handle and a good laugh for everyone else.
Next it was into the camp for Arabic coffee. I’m not so big on proper Arabic coffee. For me it is a bit like England with their Football/Cricket/Rugby. They bought it to the world, but now they are just not very good. Luckily one of the Russians in the group spotted the bar at the other end of the camp which I suspect wasn’t a fixture in days gone by but we weren’t complaining. We were there faster than a young camel willy wrangler washes his hands after work.
I was surprised to see two cats skulking around as we sat on the cushions laid out around the low dinner tables. You don’t see cats in the desert very often. But why not? For a creature so fussy about where it goes to the toilet, the desert must be a dream come true. It’s just a giant litter box.
Dinner was served under the stars and the cats got the scraps and left (but didn’t go too far I suspect) then they pumped up the music to herald the arrival of the belly dancer.
Watching her, it occurred to me that Arabic women were belly-dancing hundreds of years ago and at the same time on the other side of the world, young Hawaiian, Tahitian and Rarotongan girls were doing the same thing. Isn’t it amazing how anywhere on the planet that is hot, men have found a way to persuade the ladies to get their kit off and wiggle for them.
6 or 7 songs was all the our German friend’s pace maker could take and even the two Indian guys who got up to dance in the audience participation section looked hot and sweaty by the end. But again the timing was perfect, because as the music was turned down the sweet aroma of shisha drifted across the camp. They say one shisha is about the equivalent of 30 cigarettes. I’ve never smoked. It is a filthy, smelly habit, but shisha is a totally different story. How can something with apple or banana or strawberry in it be bad for you? I had coconut one night, but that was a bit like smoking suntan lotion. But even if you don’t smoke you have to try shisha at least once. With our 30 cigarettes worth of fruit tobacco consumed we were guided back to our 4x4’s for the trip home. It could have turned into a spontaneous review of the buffet dinner, but our driver magically found a road in what seemed the middle of nowhere and we soon found ourselves back at our hotel carrying, as my wife and I found out later, enough sand to make a small commemorative paper weight each.

The Dubai 7’s. 7 beers an hour or you’re not doing it right.

I reckon the international rugby unions looked at what their cricket mates did with the one dayer and thought. We only sell 80 minutes worth of beer. They sell 7 or 8 hours. Then they invented the rugby sevens tournament. 2 days (3 if you count the local competition) of beer drinking bliss.
Maybe bliss isn’t quite the right word. Certainly not at 8am on the morning of the second day. But like good cowboys you climb back up on the horse and complete your second 10-hour session. 7’s rugby is all about the number 7. 7 players per side 7 minutes per half. 7 songs. The same 7 played over and over. You would have thought they could have splashed out for more, but the crowd didn’t seem to mind. When your games are that short you need a lot of teams so they let lots of countries play. Even the crap ones. Some come for the experience, others for the food. I imagine the Zimbabwe team was thrilled to be in a country where bread doesn’t cost a million dollars a loaf. They played hard and fast. Fast, I suspect, so they could get off the field and back to the buffet table. The Poms weren’t too good on defense. But that’s what cost them their Empire so no surprises there. The Kenyans weren’t very good either. 7’s is a sprint not a marathon of a game and the Kenyans are better at marathons eh. Tunisia is not exactly world superstars at rugby but they gave the Canadian a run for their money. Rumor is that at halftime the Canadian coach, with the backing of the Canadian Government, offered the Tunisians Bryan Adams if they let the old Maple leaves have the win. Samoa did Ok considering anyone in that country that is really good at rugby has been ‘adopted’ by NZ. Same with Tonga and Fiji. Fiji still manages to do well at the 7’s and they faced the Kiwis and a few of their cousins in the final.
7’s isn’t just about rugby. It’s also about people dressing up in silly costumes that ideally are loosely linked to the country they are supporting, and getting pissed together. Looking around me it kind of felt like the Untied Nations had decided to have a Christmas party at a sports stadium. The Kiwi’s weren’t just the winners on the field. Over the 2 days a highly trained team of Pilipino boys and girls walked through the stands with little bags selling fresh, hot pies and sausage rolls. It was a tough job that just got tougher as the tournament wore on. Like those fearless medics you see in war movies who dodge bullets to get to the people that need their help the most, these little pie warriors dodged beer cans and demands to ‘sit down’ in 5 different languages, to make sure the drinkers kept up the internationally approved limit of one pie or sausage roll for every 10 beers consumed. It was only at the end of the event after a chat with a very happy man behind the pie shop counter that I found out the brains of the operation was a Kiwi. And he was right to be happy with over 20,000 pies sold in 3 days.
Another moneymaking scheme were the little pointy Asian hats being sold. The clean-cut man selling them said the money was going to help Cambodian children. I thought someone had done that by arresting Gary Glitter, but apparently that’s not enough. Or maybe he said the hats were so cheap because Cambodian children had made them. I can’t remember, I had had a lot of pies by then. I think they could have condensed all the international matches into one big day instead of dragging it out over two and adding lots of local games no one wanted to watch, but I guess they wouldn’t have sold as much beer then. Rugby was the winner, followed closely by Heineken but no Fitzy it wasn’t a game of two halves, there many. And each one gave you the chance to buy another beer or a pie or a pointy hat.

Desert Safari Bollocks Part 1

It is cool how no matter what your country is blessed with in terms of natural resources the locals will invent a way to use them to get money out of tourists. Take New Zealand. As a country we are fully onto this. Our rivers are full of high-speed thrill seekers in jet boats and the wimps can go by raft. We’re blessed with tall bush covered mountains. So what did we do? Build bridges between them and push people off attached to thick rubber bands. We also have millions of acres of grassy hills. In the 70,s a few visionaries tried to take advantage of this with grass skiing. Never really took off. But in the 90’s a kiwi invented a big plastic ball you could climb into and roll down the hill in. Brilliant. In Cambodia, entrepreneurs want to offer tourists the chance to go digging for antique landmines. Hey, you work with what you’ve got.
In the UAE it’s sand. Lots of it, so it was natural that he tourist operators would look here for their inspiration. The Desert Safari is the classic UAE tourist trip. A work conference lunch buffet of sand themed delights.
First stop was the Camel Farm. Lucky we had a guide because if we hadn’t been told we were at a camel farm we might have mistaken it for simply a herd of camels standing near a couple of old sheds in the desert. There weren’t a lot of fences, but I don’t think camels have a lot of motivation for doing anything. Camels are a lot like dodgem cars at the Easter Show. If you take your foot off the accelerator and hop out they just kind of roll to a stop. The highlight of the camel farm stop was watching two camels doing their bit to boost the herd numbers. Ever wondered how a daddy camel climbs aboard mummy camel with her big bloody hump sticking up into his chest? With great difficulty and a lot of moaning and groaning it turns out. If someone in the porn industry ever makes a film for the hard of hearing they should record two copulating camels and use that as the soundtrack. I can’t imagine that getting it on in front of 18 Russians, two Germans and 4 kiwis is anyone’s idea of fun. Even if it was a threesome. The third party was the young guy (presumably young because the old guys pulled rank and made him do it). You know how those special forces troops hide near a target and guide the missile fired from the plane in with a laser pointer? Well this guy had a similar job. He had to guide the Camels ‘missile’ into the ‘target’. But instead of a laser pointer, he had to use his hands.

From the Farm of Fornication we were taken deeper into the desert for Sand Hooning. If you ever see a white second hand 4 wheel drive for sale and it turns out it was used in desert safaris. Don’t buy it. They get thrashed. The highly trained men behind the wheel make those vehicles do things and go places you suspect cars aren’t meant to go. I say highly trained because sitting in the back belted in and trying not to smash my head in the roof I was really hoping that our driver was highly trained.
There are no road marking out in the desert. They tried once but the wind kept blowing the sand away and it was just a big waste of spray paint. We traveled in a convoy of 4. We were second which meant we got to see the 4 by 4 in front of us go straight off the top of super steep sand dunes and then with the sound of the screams of the middle aged German lady filling our truck I got to turn and watch the group behind us roll down in our tracks. Imagine 7 mice in an empty beer can. 2 German mice, 4 kiwi mice and an Indian driver mouse. For the purposes of this analogy the beer can is one of those big super sized ones that used to be popular in the early 80s in Australia. Now imagine that can is tossed into the surf at Raglan. That was kind of what it felt like.

The desert safari is a precision operation, timed to the second, which I think the Germans really appreciated. We skidded to a stop at the top of a particularly large dune just in time to watch the sun set and from there it was on to part 3. The Desert Camp.

Stay tuned for the exciting wrap up of the Vegas Desert Safari. But I am off to the Dubai 7’s for 2 intensive days of booze and something else……. Oh yeah, rugby. So it might be a few days till I get back here.

Righto.

Speed Wump.

It is the little ideas that can make a big difference. There was this guy who worked for coke and he came up with a tiny change in the design of the can that meant each one used a fraction less aluminum. Saved the company millions.
Well, I have come up with the equivalent for the roading industry concerning the matter of speed restrictions. It is simple, and when you read it you will think either A. That is genius I wish I had thought of that. Or B. That guy has too much time on his hands.
Why a speed bump? Why not a Speed wump. A speed hump is a hump and speed wump is a dip. But I called it wump because it sounds catchier.
With a speed hump you have to add stuff. With a speed wump, you take it away.
And that ‘s it. A simple idea that cuts down on road building costs. Mother nature has been doing it for years. A speed wump is just a series of potholes in a line.
Good news for major cities with roading systems that are outdated, over used and under funded. That must be about every city on the planet.
Well, I am off to patent my incredible new road safety device, but first I need to make sure I haven’t ripped the name off from a Doctor Suess book.

2 more things I am going to do when I rule the world

The first is set aside huge amounts of money for the research and development of the technology to make 2-minute noodles in 1 minute. Or less. Less would be good, but I will be happy with 1 minute.
The other thing I am going to do is make it a law that toilet doors have to open the opposite way to other doors.
You think about it. You go to use a public toilet and as you enter you push the door inward. When you come out you have to grab the door handle and pull. It should be the other way round. When you go in you don’t care if you touch the door handle. You are going to wash your hands in a few moments anyway. It’s coming out you don’t really want to have to touch anything. If everyone washed their hands it wouldn’t matter, but they don’t, so it does. Now I am not getting all Howard Hughes on your arse. I’m no germ freak, but it just makes sense doesn’t it? If you, with your freshly washed hands could push the door with your elbow, you wouldn’t have to risk coming in contact with a poohey print or a wee wee drip. Ever wash your hands for an extra few seconds just so the guy at the basin beside you can head to the door first and you can whip through with him? Well when I rule the planet and the Loo Law takes effect that move will become a thing of the past. Happy toileting everyone.

My daughter has a tail

It’s true. I have a photo to prove it. It was taken moments after she was born. Those surgery lights are great when it comes to photography and the shot turned out brilliantly.
There she is lying on the table where they take them to wipe all the blood off and cut the cord and there growing out of her back just above her arse is a brown fury tail about a foot long. A wildlife expert might identify the tail as being very similar to that of a baby leopard, and they’d be right. In terms of size and angle the leopard’s tail was the best one for photo shopping onto the picture of my daughter. I even left some of the spots on it to make it look kind of freaky.
I haven’t shown my daughter the photo yet. I’m saving it. Saving it for the day she comes to me asking for money. Not 10 bucks for magazine or 25 bucks to go to the movies. I’m talking about the big, pocket burning requests that come with the teenage years. “Dad I need X hundred dollars for a new top.’ ‘Dad, I want a nose job like Jenny from next door.’ ‘Dad, I need a car’. That’s when the Photoshop pic will come into play.
It will work something like this.

Me - “Honey, I’m sorry. You deserve that new top/ nose job/ car, but I just can’t afford it. Your operation cleaned me and your mother out.’
Frankie - ‘What operation?’
M - …….. uncomfortable silence…….. ‘I didn’t really want to have to tell you this, but I guess you are old enough to know. You were born with a tail.’
F - ‘A tail! What kind of tail?’
M - ‘A long brown one, with little dots on it. A bit like a baby leopard’s tail actually.’
….. stunned silence. ‘Here’s a photo I took. ‘
F - ‘I don’t remember…. I mean.. where is it. I don’t have a tail.’
M - ‘No. You wouldn’t remember. We had it removed days after you were born. We paid to fly in a vet from a South African Wildlife Park to perform the operation.’
F - ‘A vet?’
M - ‘We had to. None of the doctors knew how to deal with tails. None of them were prepared to operate on a …….’
F- ‘A what?’
M – ‘……a…….. a freak. They said it would ruin their careers. So as you can imagine it was expensive. The vet insisted flying first class and it costs us all the money we had set aside to be able to give you the things you would want in the future like that new top/ nose job/ car.

Impressed? Well I am considering making this service available to parents around the globe. Send me a picture of your kid as a newborn and my Photoshop experts will work their magic. You don’t have to go with animal parts. We can keep it human. How about a third ear on their forehead? Or invent your own freaky feature. My staff at ‘Make Kids Cost Less’ are standing by.

2-minute love

If my mate Grant sees this title he will probably think I am going to write about his exploits in the old Pit-O-Love with the ladies and more specifically the time he did it twice in a row.
But I would never use a public forum like this to embarrass a close friend.
I'm talking about a different kind of love. 2-minute noodle love. I was reminded of my love affair with 2-minute noodles about 2.30 this morning. Chicken flavour. That’s all we seem to have in our house. Kirsty buys them in packs of 5. Perhaps she isn’t aware of the plethora of other flavours that this magical meal comes in. At first it was just chicken and beef. But in much the same way that Metallica branched out musically and started performing with orchestras, the 2-minute noodle men worked to expand their flavour repertoire. Chicken & Corn, Tomato and my favourite. Fried Onion. I suspect fried onion was a customer suggestion. Probably thought up by a drunk guy at 2.30 in the morning in his kitchen… actually, come to think of it, it could have been me.
2-minute noodles are just interactive enough to give you the illusion you are preparing something to eat, as opposed to opening it. All you have to do is add the noodles to boiling water and stir in the sachet. But even that can be a stretch at 2.30. As I inhaled my noodles in the kitchen I thought was trying the new Wallpaper Paste flavour. Turns out I had forgotten to add the flavour sachet. The versatility of this fantastic foodstuff is that you can just stir it in as you eat.
My mate Jeremy was joining me in my early morning nosh up, so I was preparing 2 lots of 2-minute noodles. I’ve never prepared in bulk before but here’s something you might not have realised. When you are making 2 lots of 2-minute noodles you don’t have to cook them for 4 minutes BUT, you do need twice as much water. As Kirsty was kind enough to point out when I woke up this morning. Kirsty is hoping this new knowledge will help me avoid leaving a pot with a blackened layer of noodles on the bottom in the sink.
Did you know there is no nutritional value in 2-minute noodles? I don’t care. The interactive experience has huge educational value, so for me, 2 minute noodles feed the soul and at the same time happen to fill the space in your stomach that the hours of drinking couldn’t quite reach. Genius.

Global Warming Saves Lives.

Ok, so the hailstorms in Lebanon might not be a result of global warming. They have a hailstorm season every year. But how big does a piece of hail have to be to set off a bomblet? The answer to that question is as big as a walnut.

You know bomblets, they are the little bombs that come out of a cluster bomb and pepper an area the size of one or two football fields. The Cluster Munition Coalition (CMC) is campaigning for an international treaty banning cluster munitions.
But in the meantime the US and people she supplies munitions to like Israel are dropping them as fast as they can.
Last year in Israel’s war on the Hezbollah, hundreds of cluster bombs were dropped. Trouble is, a lot of the bomblets fail to explode and can remain dangerous for decades after the end of a conflict. The brightly coloured canisters attract children who often die or lose limbs when they pick the things up.
That’s why it was a nice change to se Mother Nature helping us out with some walnut sized hail this week that set off a series of explosions. Now if we could direct the XXL hail to danger spots around the globe we would have an eco friendly way of cleaning up the mess America is making in the Middle East.

Tooth Brush Bollocks

A had this magical toothbrush. It lasted for over 18 months. 18 months without the bristles losing their stiffness and bending over. It was still going strong when I left it behind in a hotel in Egypt. It was only after the loss I reflected on how long I had had it and how short a time a toothbrush usually lasts. But why is that? Are you telling me that with all the technology the teeth cleaning industry has at its disposal they can’t make a toothbrush that will last for say, a year? Of course they could. They’re little nylon bristles and lets face it, they don’t get much of a work out do they. 30 seconds twice a day at the most. And yet after a few months the bristles sag and the brush goes in the bin.
I reckon this is another version of the light bulb conspiracy. You think they can’t make a light bulb that lasts for years? Of course they can. But then the light bulb makers wouldn’t sell as many. So they keep us used to the idea that a light bulb needs to be replaced at regular intervals. Just like your toothbrush.
So what about my magic toothbrush? How did that slip through security and out onto the shelves. Was it a renegade toothbrush designer determined to put the pockets of the people first by working from the inside to develop the longer lasting toothbrush? Or just a design fuckup where someone on the phone to the manufacturers in China accidentally told them to use the good nylon. Bet when they found out their mistake the company rushed round and bought up all the offending brushes. Maybe they tracked me down to my hotel in Egypt and used some kind of mind control technique to make me forget to grab my toothbrush out of the bathroom before I checked out. There’s an idea for a movie in here. What am I wasting my time on this blog for ? I need to write it. See ya.

My new drinking initiative.

A week or so ago I made a decision to stop drinking everyday.
Well that plan turned out to be as successful as the launch of the George W Bush Spare Rib restaurant chain in Baghdad.
I was forced to revise my drinking initiative. Instead of the commitment to ‘Not drinking everyday’ instead I just don’t drink in the same place everyday.
I’ll be honest with you. It’s been tough. I am a creature of habit. I like my local but I am serious about changing my ways so I have found other bars to drink in. The upside of that is you meet different people. Last night I met a Dutch airline pilot and a Canadian airline pilot. They were both so dull they almost cancelled each other out, but that in itself was funny. Kind of like a really really really alternative comedy act. Mind you, I guess you want you airline pilots dull don’t you. Dull and serious. Serious about knowing all the button to push and how to land that big metal bird on the allotted piece of ash felt.
I met a pilot once at a party. He was pissed and I asked him about the rules regarding drinking. He said they were very strict. The rule he told me, was no smoking 24 hours before a flight and no drinking within 20 feet of the aircraft. Tough but fair.

Monkeys rampage in Indian capital

They have huge problems in New Delhi. As well as 35,000 sacred cows and buffaloes that roam free there are packs of wild monkeys going ‘ape’ Just a few weeks ago the capitals deputy mayor fell to his death fighting off a pack of the crazy little nutters. But last weekend something set them off on a rampage through a neighborhood in East Delhi. Could it have been the story about the stranded bananas in the North Sea? Monkeys love bananas and the thought of thousand going to waste would be enough to push them over the edge. Especially because it happened in Holland. It is well known that there is no love lost between the Dutch and monkeys.
New Delhi really only has itself to blame. Unemployment is rife among the New Delhi monkeys. The only occupations available to them are in the Zoo and as contestants on Indian Idol. The Zoo only ever needs about 10 monkeys at a time and their singing is shit so they never get past the first audition of Idol. The result is packs of bored unemployed monkeys roam the streets looking for trouble and the Internet where they can read stories like the one about the beached bananas.

Goin Bananas in the North Sea

Tragedy in the North Sea this week as thousands of bananas washed up on the beaches of two islands. Fruit experts suspect mass suicide but there could be another reason. Bananas have an incredibly sensitive sonar system that they use for navigation in the water. This is one of the reasons for their high potassium content. Potassium is an important ingredient in fruit sonar. But experts think that sometimes the system can get out of balance and the result is the bananas swim for land.
Bananas swim in bunches with one bunch leading and the other bunches following. If the lead bunch has a faulty sonar system the result is the tragedy that unfolded in the North Sea.
Residents rushed to the beach to aid the stranded fruit. For hours they threw the fruit back into the ocean but the stubborn yellow critters came swimming back. Because they are naturally bent they don’t swim straight so the bananas kept stranding themselves further down the beach making repeated rescue attempts more time consuming. In the end the locals gave up and a local fruit shop owner began loading the stranded bananas into his truck.

Writers Strike

So the Writers Guild of America is on strike and that means a halt to a lot of American TV shows. While you might think that is a blessing the fact is they will just put on a whole lot of reruns. When I heard that the writers had hit the picket line with signs I couldn’t wait to see the footage. Most picket lines are manned by car plant workers and miners and lets face it they aren’t the most eloquent people in the community. I was keen to see what a professional wordsmith would do with a placard. Like Matrix 2 & 3 it was an anti climax. All the signs said the same thing ‘On Strike’ I guess they aren’t even writing stuff for themselves while the strike is on

Flight deck fun

Big passenger jets can basically fly on autopilot all the way these days. From take off to landing. Must get pretty boring up in the cockpit on those long haul flights for the men on the flight deck. There is only so long you can compare your duty free purchases and listen to the pilot tell old air force stories.
The flight crew has hundreds of passengers sitting in their seats and an audio system that cuts in over the movies and music. That is a captive audience. So here are a few ideas for flight crews to help pass the time up in the friendly skies.
Soon after take off make an announcement asking if anyone onboard has a screw driver and a soldering iron and could they please bring them up to the pointy part of the plane. Wait a few minutes and then say, “Ok. Now screwdrivers or soldering irons on board. How about super glue or masking tape?’
The old ‘Is there a doctor on board?’ is an aircraft classic. But how about ‘Excuse me ladies and gentlemen. Is there an airline pilot on board? If so could he or she. Probably he. Please come to the flight deck. Thank you.’
Wait a few minutes then make another announcement. ‘Hi ladies and gentlemen. Me again. How about someone with experience flying any kind of plane?
A few minutes later.
‘Any micro light pilots with us today?’
And then a few minutes later.
‘What about anyone who drives a big truck or a bus? Anyone like that on board. If so please make your way up to the pointy bit of the plane…. Quickly’
The announcement thing is fun but some performers like to get face to face with their audience. Here are a couple of gags that will go down well if you want to leave the cockpit and go walk about.
Take a tape recording on board of a really loud part. Turn it on loud in the cockpit. Put some part streamers on your shoulder then open the door of the cockpit just wide enough to get out without the passengers getting a look in and pretend you have stepped out of the ‘party’ to get some air.’
Another good one is to step out of the cockpit with a half empty bottle of vodka and stumble down the isle to the toilet.
And finally if you want a bit of interaction. Walk through the aircraft with an open map. Every now and then, stop and look out the window as if you are trying to spot landmarks and ask passengers if they know what country you are flying over.
It’s probably only a few decades until pilots are replaced by high powered computers so if you are airline pilot or co pilot you don’t have a lot of time to have fun with these gags.

Coke, KFC an Copperfield.

Do you think someone from Coke has ever met someone from KFC at a party and after a few beers the Coke guys offers to tell the KFC guy coke’s secret recipe if the KFC guy will tell him the secret herbs and spices? Maybe. But if I was the KFC guy I would wait half an hour just to see if the Pringles lady was going to show up cause it would be cooler to know how they are made than boring old coke.
Speaking of secrets, I would like to know the secrets to a few magic tricks. The lady being sawn in half. The bloke chained up and locked in a tank of water. But the freakiest magic trick of all time. The one I would really like to know the secret to, is how David Copperfield managed to trick Claudia Schiffer into going out with him. That was amazing.

Half Arsed Job

Spied tyhis the other day while i was waiting for a taxi. What's the story here. Why go to all the trouble of getting up there and then only do 2.5 letters? Did he get to O and think O MY GOD. I clean shit off signs for a living. And just dropped his cloth (which happend to get blown by a gust of wind onto the P) slid down the ladder and pissed off? Or is he off enjoying a
union approved smoko break after scientists were able to prove in the high court that a sign cleaner can only safely clean 2.5 letters before he loses concentration and the quality of work and the workers saftey begin to suffer?
I don't know. I dont really care now. But at the time i took this photo I was hung over and i thought about for the whole taxi ride.

The future is looking good

At last there is a school for parents who suspect their child is going to grow up to be a real spunk. Super. Plenty of books in these class rooms. But the kids walk around with them balanced on their heads. There is no lunch break becasue the kids are encourgaed not to eat.

A whale of a plane

Dont you think they modeled the nose of the new A380 on the Beluga whale.

The sanctions against Iran they don’t tell you about in the news.

Iran has been hit by US sanctions. This is like a teaser, an entrée if you will to being hit by cruise missiles. Sanctions work. Just look at the effect they had on Saddam…..
Anyway, the Yanks have come along way since then. Perfected their sanctions. They have learned to hit the enemy where it hurts. As well as the sanctions you read about in the paper there are other, far more hard hitting ones that you wont hear about in the mainstream press. These are the ones so nasty the Americans prefer to keep them out of the public eye. Sanctions that just seem plain cruel.
But when you are trying to bring an evil terrorist supporting oil laden nation to its knees, a super power has gotta do what a super power’s gotta do.
Here are some of the secret sanctions.

- A ban on the release of Dan Browns follow up to the DaVinci Code.
- No new episodes of Sponge Bob Square Pants or Family Guy.
- No new American movies to be released in Iran except ones with Lindsay Lohan in.
- A ban on all stuffed crust pizzas at Iranian Pizza Huts.
- A ban on all travel by Americans to Iran except for Michael Jackson, OJ Simpson and the guy who went on Thats incredible with the miniature plane that had flies super glued to it (cruel bastard).
-No new Gillette blade technology. 4 blades, 5 blades… who knows how many those geniuses art Gillette will manage to stick on a razor. But Iranian men will have to make do with 3.

But it doesn’t stop with sanctions. The US is also activating a covert operation that will see a group of highly trained agents dropped inside Iran tasked with causing maximum disruption. Members of this team include TV evangelist Benny Hinn, Paula Abdul, David Caruso, Liza Minnelli, the guy who invented spray on tan and 34 Mormons with bicycles.

There's a BOG on my BLOG

If Doctor Seuss was still around I reckon he would do a book with a title like this.

Collin Powells Leadership Lesssons

I added a few thoughts to some of Collin Powells stirring and inspiring leadership lessons.


General Colin Powell: Lessons from a very successful leader

Being responsible sometimes means pissing people off.

Take George W Bush. He’s responsible for the War in Iraq and his approval ratings are at an all time low. That is a lot of pissed off people.



Don’t be buffaloed by experts and elites.

When weapons inspectors who have been searching for months, tell you Iraq has no weapons of mass destruction. Don’t believe them. They probably just aren’t doing their job.



Never neglect details. When everyone’s mind is dulled or distracted, the leader must be doubly vigilant.

When Bush was told a plane had hit the World Trade Centre he didn’t get distracted. He still managed to finish the story about the goat for the children in the Florida classroom.



Keep looking below surface appearances. Don’t shrink from doing so (just) because you might not like what you find.

If the weapons inspectors cant find the weapons of mass destruction and the intelligence agencies in other countries say there aren’t any. And you own people say there aren’t any. Don’t listen. Keep believing.



Don’t be afraid to challenge the pros, even in their own backyard.

When the guy you send to find evidence that Iraq bought Yellow cake in Nigeria for Nukes cant find any evidence. Discredit him and leak to the press that his wife works for the CIA. That’ll show him.


Organization charts and fancy titles count for next to nothing.

BUT, if you have to go to the UN and convince them Iraq has weapons of mass destruction, take some cool drawings of trucks that are mobile weapons labs.



Perpetual optimism is a force multiplier.

You get into Iraq but you can’t find those weapons of mass destruction? Get more forces to look for them. They’ll turn up.


Powell’s Rules for Picking People" – Look for intelligence and judgment and, most critically, a capacity to anticipate, to see around corners. Also look for loyalty, integrity, a high-energy drive, a balanced ego and the drive to get things done.

Or hire the people that used to work for your dad.


(Borrowed by Powell from Michael Korda): "Great leaders are almost always great simplifiers, who can cut through argument, debate and doubt to offer a solution everybody can understand.

Saudi Terrorists attacked the Twin Towers. America needs to invade Iraq.



The commander in the field is always right and the rear echelon is wrong, unless proven otherwise.

Unless the rear echelon is Donald Rumsfeld and the commanders are invading Iraq in which case he calls the shots and says how many men will be needed to get the job done.



Have fun in your command. Don’t always run at a pace. Take leave when you’ve earned it: Spend time with your families.

George Bush has one of the highest records of holidays of any US President ever. Before 911 he had been at his Ranch in Texas for a month.

Wrinkly Finger Freakout

The guy who invented the bath probably celebrated by running a nice hot bath and sitting back to contemplate how fricken clever he was. I am guessing becasue it was the first bath anyone on the planet had ever taken that the inventor stayed in there a while and that would have lead to wrinkly finger. Bet he freaked out. Bet he thought that his bath invention also doulbled a some kind of super fast ageing device. Bet he jumped right out, probably forgetting to wrap a towel round him and ran to his wife crying like a baby. 10 minutes later the wrinkles would have faded away and thing would have been back to normal leaving our bath boy feeling like a right wally.
But those 10 minutes would have been the longest of his life.

The faulty jumping penis and other plastic tales.

I saw these day glow giant shrimp salad servers the other day in one of those gift shops rich husbands let their wives start up to give them something to do. The salad servers were made in China. It got me thinking about the guy who makes them. What does he tell people he does for a job. He wouldn’t say, “I make day glow salad servers shaped like giant shrimps.” He would sound like a dick. He probably says, “I’m in the plastics industry”, or “Manufacturing” or “The food service industry”.
But I bet the guy that makes the Manchester United salad servers tells everyone he is making Manchester United salad servers. They love football in Chine. He would be a star. He’d be the popular guy at the party. People would want to try and be friends with him in the hope he would give them a set. Maybe the two salad server guys work in the same factory and in keeping with the old communist tradition of rewarding the hardest workers, the hardest workers get to work on the coolest stuff.
Dressing the spice girl reunion tour dolls would be a popular gig. So would working on the Bratz doll production line. Or the My Little Pony Lunch Box with built in water bottle production line. The most unpopular job would be taking the sharp bits of plastic off the Chinese communist party headquarters Lunchroom chopsticks.
No one wants to see a pair of those in their Xmas stocking. “Hey kids look what I bought you home from the plastic factory. Chopsticks”. In Chinese plastic factory worker lingo this kind of job is called ‘Sucky sucky’.
How about the x rated plastic products. What if you worked on the production line that turns out those little wind up jumping penises? How would you explain that to your mum?
I guess you would say you work in the novelty section of the factory. Would there be a tester for a product like that. A person who winds up jumping cocks all day? What kind of parameter would they have for pass and fail? Would the penis have to hop a certain distance to qualify for a pass? What if it doesn’t? Does it go in the jumping penis reject box? Does the box go in the lunchroom with a sign that says ‘Reject jumping penises. Help yourself’. Maybe the guy from the chopstick production line grabs a couple and inserts chopsticks in them and tells friends they are mobile chopstick holders. Might not be as warmly received as a set of Man U salad servers but it would get a few laughs.

Do you know how to test-drive a bar?

I took a bar for a test drive last night. The Level Lounge. It is opening on the roof of the hotel she works for here in Abu Dhabi. It has no roof so I suggested they use the line ‘Abu Dhabi’s first topless bar,’ but no one thought that was a good idea.
Being in advertising I get to trial new products all the time. Once I did a photo shoot with a brand new Jag. It wasn’t really a trial of the product I was just supposed to drive it to the shoot in the morning but I took it to Hamilton and back just to see what it could do… over 145 kmh as it turns out. Test-driving a bar is more fun because essentially you are just out drinking, but it is free. But it’s not all free booze and bulshit… well it is mostly, but there are some tests you have put the bar through. For instance, I put my beer bottle down directly on the bar top and not on the coaster. But this infringement was spotted within the international standard of 8 sec and the offending bottle was placed back on the coaster by a staff member.
International bar rules dictate that after ordering the same drink from the same bar tender or waitress 4 times they should know it without being told. The staff at the level lounge had me figured within 2 drinks, but just to make sure I had to order more than 4 drinks from every staff member and there were a lot of staff. Happy to say they all passed with flying colors. Last night was what my wife called ‘the soft launch’ when she told me that I was worried that they would only be serving soft drinks but they didn’t. Tonight is what my wife calls the ‘VIP Launch’. If my wife thinks I am going to put up with another night sitting on the roof of a hotel on shiny new beanbags drinking free booze and listening to good beats then she is spot on. Not because of the free booze but because I support her 100%, and if that means testing things out for her then I am up for it. Anything but her cooking.

The 2-minute noodle conspiracy

I remember when 2-minute noodles hit the streets in New Zealand in the 80’s. Literally. Maggi put them in letterboxes in my neighborhood. That was one of the perks of living in a middle class ghetto like Pakuranga. People were always sticking stuff in your letterbox for your mum or dad to try. Mostly mum. We got a lot of fabric softener. Although they’re completely lacking in nutritional value, 2-minute noodles tick 2 of the more important food group boxes. They’re cheap and fast. But have you ever wondered why they are still 2-minute noodles? Are you telling me that over the last 25 years they haven’t developed the technology to shave a few seconds off the preparation time? Look at the 100 meters record since the 80’s? Now I’m not saying they should put steroids in the noodles but I cant believe in this modern, time poor age, that the two-minute noodle industries resources haven’t been focused on reducing the time factor. Or have they?
Rumor has it that a backyard inventor came up with a simple way of turning 2 minute noodles into 1 minute noodles. What happened to this new noodle? It was bought by one of the big 2-minute noodle manufacturers and hidden away. Why? Because the 2-minute noodle magnates want to keep you dependant on their product and avoid the costly expense of changing all the packaging from 2-minute noodles to 1-minute noodles. And they are banking on the fact that most of the people that reach for their product are drunk and don’t stop to think that they could be getting their noodles faster. But can we afford not to? We are all conscious of global warming these days. Think how much warming the pot on the stove with the water for the noodles is responsible for. Now imagine if we halved that? That’s right, 1 minute noodles could halve global warming instantly. When you realise that you understand we cant afford not to have 1-minute noodles in the kitchen.

Malaysians in space

Some Malaysians are blasting into space on a Russian rocket. Guess they finally worked out how to put Nasi Goreng in a tube. If they can do the same with Guiness the irish will probably wanna go.

Tobago. Missing out at Miss Universe?

So last night I met a guy from Trinidad at my local. Apart from cricket and Miss Universe I didn’t really know about the place. Back when people gave a toss about Miss Universe I remember thinking it was odd that there wasn’t a Miss Trinidad and a Miss Tobago. Instead they shared a lady. I assumed that maybe the ladies from Tobago were really ugly and in a strategic move they decided to throw their lot in with the spunks from Trinidad so the world didn’t laugh at them. But my new mate from Trinidad, Kurt told me that the ladies from Tobago aren’t too bad. Apparently ( and we will segue into a quick geography lesson) Trinidad and Tobago used to be one land mass but an earthquake separated them. I cant remember is Kurt said there were people around when that happened but I imagine that at the next meeting of the Trinidad Miss Universe committee when the subject of the earthquake came up they just said ‘What the hell, why don’t you guys stick with us.’ I am sure some people were concerned about the length of the name. For instance, does a long name look as good on the sash? A shorter punchier name like Miss USA is more eye catching. But the upside is you get more airtime from the presenter as they call out your name on stage and that has to count for something.
There is an upside for the contestant. Miss Trinidad and Tobago would be within her rights to point out to the committee that if it wasn’t for her dual country representation skills the committee would have to pay for two ladies and that would mean two air tickets and two hotel rooms. Surely there is a case to be made that the lady deserves a seat and hotel room upgrade? An quite possibly double pay.
I discussed these things at length with my new mate from Trinadad last night……but for some reason he started making little coconut trees out of beer bottle labels. I asked him if that was one of the skills that Miss Trinidad and Tobago pulled out in the talent section of the Miss Universe pagent. But it wasn’t. Turns out Kurt was doing it because he was bored. I mentioned the only other thing I have ever thought about Tobago and that was that they could easily change their name to Tabasco without too much fuss or sign writing expense and earn valuable advertising money from the sauce company. I think Kurt gave the idea some serious thought because he didn’t talk to me after that.

Baaaaaaaa. The war in Iraq was about oil. Baaaaaaa. What are you gonna Baaaaaaaa,

I’ve been watching films on U tube about the war in Iraq and they all beat the same drum. We were lied to. There were no WMD. The war was about oil. Saddam had no links to Bin Laden. The invasion was already being planned before 911.
A lot of people knew this before the invasion and now the truth is seeping down to the masses. Most of these films pull out experts. Ex CIA, Army, Government people to help prove the point.
But so what.
You think the men who planned the invasion. The men who wanted to get Saddam out of power and their hands on Iraq’s oil and care. Why should they.
You see what the men in power count on is the fact that we, the masses, are sheep. Especially in the West. We plod along in a flock. Most of us under the illusion that because we live in a democracy. That we, the people, are in control and because we ‘elected’ our leaders they will safe guard our interests and do the right thing by us.
Meanwhile, the men in power. And I’m not talking about the muppet out front who got the job from daddy. I’m talking about the men with the real power. The men off to the side. They just quietly go about doing what they want.
Want to kick out Saddam, get control of the oil and get Iraq to start selling oil in US dollars again. No problem. Tell the sheep Saddam is linked to 911 and has WMD. Sure the truth will come out eventually, but it will be too late by then. And it is. The job is done. When Bush was on that aircraft carrier in front of the sign ‘Mission Accomplished’. It was right. The mission was accomplished. The war hasn’t been won. But that wasn’t the object. As long as the war goes on there are plenty of men making loads of money. Ask the team at Halliburton. And as for the oil. They don’t need to start pumping it right now. They are too busy making loads of money off the oil they are pulling out of the ground everywhere else. Plenty of time before they need to start sucking Iraq dry.
And why can people like Bush Blair and Howard lie to the people that supposedly put them in power? Because they and their handlers know they wont be held accountable. Sure there will be a lot of films and protests by some of the angry sheep, but we’ll all get tired and go back to chewing grass. Politically we might se a few heads role, but hat doesn’t worry the men in power. There are plenty more Bill Clintons and George W Bushes to wheel out in front of the flock to provide the illusion that we have a choice of leaders and that the power is in our hands.
How did this happen? Surely we can blame someone for the travesty. It can’t be our own apathetic selves at fault. What about the greeney peace freeks? Why didn’t they try to persuade us a little harder? Why did they have to look so green and freaky and not very credible.
What about the political opposition? Surely they should have sniffed out what was going on. Isn’t that what the opposition do? Don’t tell me they're just waiting to have a turn in the drivers seat and serving the purpose of the men in power by making it look like we, the sheep, have an alternative choice in leaders. What about the press? Shouldn’t they have searched out the truth. Don’t tell me they're in the pockets of the men in power. (Or in the case of the embedded journalists, in the tanks and personnel carriers of the men in power).
So what do we do now?
Maybe if we make a real effort to hold the people in power that lied to us, accountable, we could send a message to our leaders that they can’t get away with bull shitting the flock. That there will be a price to pay. But that wont happen will it. The men at the top rely on the ineptitude and apathy of the flock. People like you and me who are too busy chewing grass and hoping someone will trim our dags.
I guess we get the leaders we deserve. Baaaaaaaaa. Baaaaaa. Baaaaa.

The Crap Pack

It has all turned to custard for Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears. Or the Crap Pack as I like to call them.
Lindsay has been in more rehab centers than watchable films in her short life. And now it looks like Britney might be joining her to get weaned of the jack and coke, and coke. Apparently Britney Spears mother Lynne received an anonymous phone call last week, tipping her off about the singer's drug taking.
Oh really? Are you telling me Lynne didn’t know? Don’t they get TV reception in her trailer park? Doesn’t she read magazines?
Paris did jail time instead of rehab but now she has announced she is off to Rwanda. Has someone told Pars there are no Prada, Gucci or Mui Mui stores in Rwanda? Maybe she isn’t going there for a handbag. Maybe she is gonna pull a Madonna and adopt a 3rd world kid to replace her tiny dog. Or maybe they will both have to squeeze into the same handbag. If she is only going there for a photo op couldn’t she just get someone to build a fake Rwanda set in Hollywood. If some of Paris’ emaciated pals spent a few extra hours on the tanning beds they would look just like the starving children in Rwanda. As if poor old Rwanda doesn’t enough problems now they will have to put up with the Platinum princess wafting through the country handing out copies of her porn tape. But maybe this could be the thing that brings the Hutu and the Tutsi together. (Has someone told Paris that these are tribes and not new types of perfume?) Maybe they can stop killing each other and learn to hate a common enemy. Bimbo American socialites who use dirt poor African nations to make themselves look good.

Brand Old

In Sri Lanka these factories are banging out jeans. That’s the easy bit. What takes time is all the extra effort they have to go to, to rub the jeans with sandpaper and wash them over and over to get them looking really old. But the Sri Lankan's don’t mind because they get to charge more for older shittier looking clothes. Mental when you think about it.
Imagine if the same trend took off with cars. You could buy a brand new Ferrari and for a bit more cash they could get little men to take to it with rocks and car keys. After scratching and denting the body they would attach doors that had been soaking in seawater so they were all rusty.
You would even have the option of a cracked windscreen so when you drove that car down mainstreet it looked like it had been places. If that trend took off it would be great for the makers of Humvees. The new H3 sucks. It looks like a suburban mums kid bus. Why not ad a little credibility by giving every new H3 a tour in Iraq to ‘age’ it. Nothing like real bullet holes and blood stained seats to add to that authentic all terrain look. Forget the cup holder and cigarette lighter. In a genuine Iraq conditioned Humvee you get an M16 gun rack and a place to stick your field dressings. Of course the war worn H3 would cost a little more depending on how many tours it had done. And maybe you pay more for a Humvee out of Iraq than Afghanistan because that is a more popular war. By popular I mean Iraq is in the news more. Maybe when America gets round to bombing Iran the Humvee people will be able to put a few H3’s near the Iranian nuclear plants to soak up some of those cruise missiles blasts. Imagine being the first stockbroker on your block to be driving a humvee that was conditioned in Iran with genuine US military hardware.

Rugby World Cup dribble

Just watched a Titanic struggle between the All Blacks and Romania. When I say Titanic what I mean is, like the film, everyone already knew the ending before it started.
You’re familiar with Beatle mania in the 60’s? Well along time before that there was Romania. People all over Europe were so hot for anything and everything Roman that they decided to name a country after it.

Romania filled the spot in the 2007 World Cup line up reserved for countries whose name ends in ‘ia’. Personally I would have like to see Transylvania get in. At halftime the whole team would pile off into the blood bin. For a drink…. Get it…. A drink……
Oh never mind.

If you’re not from New Zealand you probably cant grasp just how important the rugby world cup, and us winning it, is to little old New Zealand. Being a small island at the bottom of the planet we get very excited about anything that gets us attention from the big grown up country’s of the world. Rotary milking, man’s first flight, splitting of the atom, Rachel Hunter and big expensive racing yachts. We’ve tried a lot of different things. But the one that seems to work most consistently for us, is rugby.

The make up of the AB’s has changed over the years. Back in the day there were a lot of farmers in the team. These days there are a lot more city boys. But, just like the Sth African rugby union insists there are a number of black players in the national team, the All Blacks have to have at least one farmer in every starting 15. It’s a law. And at least 2 guitar players per touring squad.

There’s no doubt the All Blacks are getting bigger. The victorious 87 World Champs would look like ball boys along side the 2007 team. If they keep growing at this rate the All Blacks wont be able to fly in normal aircraft seats in 20 years time. New Zealand scientists are busy designing a special plane to carry the national squad. It is either that or they go on a cruise ship.

It’s all about the money these days in rugby. Big money. Sure a top All Black earns a year, what David Beckham earns in a week, but it is still big money down in New Zealand. Players will be looking for ways to make extra advertising bucks on the field and maybe some of them have already started. Take Jerry Collins. With his bright white flat top and black everything else, he looks like a pint of Guinness with legs. Smart move by the makers of Guinness. ‘Good things take time. Except a move by Jerry Collins.’

So the pool games are nearly over. Surprisingly, Georgia, Namibia and Timbucktoo didn’t deliver the performances their pre tournament form suggested……. But now we get to the sharp end of the competition ( I think I stole that line from Simon Fuller on American Idol). Maybe the AB’s will finally get a decent game and maybe they can hold it together and bring home the little silver cup. Or will we live up to our reputation as the best rugby team in the world. In between world cups. There’s a lot riding on this for us and if it doesn’t come off we might have to give Rachel Hunter a make over and marry her off to another ageing rocker.

Hairs to the rugby world cup

Has the IRB made a rule that every team in the 2007 World Cup has to have a man with a beard in it? Maybe it is a cynical move to capture the hard to reach lumberjack audience.
For a back a beard cant be good for wind resistance can it? And for a forward, surely it is just something for the opposition to grab onto. Ban the stupid beard I say. The Samoans got round the beard rule by giving some of their players’ hair bling’. Little beads and tassels. Apparently a team can field two players with hair bling instead of one player with a beard.

England Part 2

Poor old England. As if being hit by foot and mouth wasn’t bad enough they now have to contend with Blue Tongue. At least it is easy for the farmers to look for the symptoms. Foot and mouth was a bit unspecific because if your animals don’t have feet and mouths you’re in big trouble anyway. Maybe they should think about closing down England and turning it into a car park for Euro Disney? Just a thought. England’s National animal seems to be a lion. It is on a lot of stuff. I don’t remember a time that they ran wild. Maybe they did. Maybe they still do in the backwoods. Hope the blue tongue doesn’t kill em off. Or. Maybe England just stole the animal of another country. Like they lifted tea as their national drink and curry as their national dish from India.

Brain Dribble on England Part 1

England is a small island off the coast of Europe. Originally when god put it here the plan was that it would be a get away place for European people to come and hang out on. The Vikings used it for a while but didn’t treat the place too well and because the weather is crap it never really took off. Perhaps because of the weather English people have made such an effort to go out and conquer the rest of the world. At one point the British Empire had it’s creepy little tentacles all over the planet. They bought gifts too. And not just the STD’s their sailors were carrying. They bought new kinds of warfare, muskets, cannons, food and games. Games like rugby, football and cricket. The people in the country’s that England conquered learned the rules of the games then kicked the Poms out without so much as a 'cheerio old chap'. Except India who gave them some curry. But then aqs if that wasnt bad enough all the conquered countrys then proceeded to get really good at the sports the English left behind so they could kick their arses over and over again.
England has a Queen, but they used to have 2 till the lead singer of one died of AIDS. The best thing about England is that there is a pub on every corner. There has to be because the weather is so crap people cant walk too far. The other best thing about England is the traffic light system. When the light is red it flashes orange to let you know it is about to go green. This lets you save valuable mili seconds. All those milli seconds add up to minutes and those minutes can be spent waiting at the bar for your Guinness to be ready to drink. My Guiness is ready now so i have to go and drink it but i will be back later with more thoughts on England

Thoughts on airports. Airlines and waistlines

Why is it that just about every new airport that gets designed ends up being based on the shape of an aircraft wing? Boring. Don’t airport architects have any other ideas? What about other flying based themes? If I designed an airport it would be in the shape of an in-flightt meal. They are so cool with their little compartments. It would look amazing from the air. The container of water could be a giant glass carpark. The main course would be the main terminal the knife and fork could be a huge sculpture or water feature and in keeping with the in-flight meal tray theme the cheese could be a small yellow building that no one is ever able to open.

I have an idea that could revolutionise air travel. Everyone is into fitness right. So why not replace the seats with exercycles. People could pedal while they fly. It would be healthier than sitting on your arse. The whole deep vein thrombosis thing would be solved. You can get more exercycles into a plane and seats so that would be good for the airpline and no one want to eat while they are working out, so the airline would save money on the food as well.

EXERAIR – A healthier way to fly. Shrinking the cost of airtravel and your arse.

The Australian Navy's big boob.

Good bless you Australia. You loveable larrikins. If the world was throwing a party and you weren’t there I would be the first person on the blower, ‘Where the bloody hell are ya?’
The Aussie navy has been paying for their lady sailors to have boob jobs. It is thinking like that that earned Australia the nick name ‘the lucky country’. Not so lucky if you’re an Abo or a farmer or a refugee looking for asylum. But if you have a missus in the Australian navy with a small rack. Bingo! You just hit the jackpot brother.
Brigadier Andrew Nikolic said “We do consider the broader needs of our people, both physical and psychological.” Good on ya Andrew and everything you stand for.
The more cynical amongst you might say he was considering the needs of men stuck at sea for long periods of time looking for something a little more interactive than a poster on the wall, but I don’t think that’s the case at all. We hear a lot these days how an important role for the armed forces is to win the battle for the hearts and minds of the people in the countries they go to. Well what better way to do that than to send a boat load of fully stacked Aussie chicks ashore. How can you wage a war of terror when you are busy perving at the Shelia holding the M16 in the blue camo bikini?
Of course the Australian navy could have avoided all the ruckus in the press if they had simply explained that the ladies didn’t have breast enlargements. Instead they were having revolutionary new internal floatation devices attached.
The biggest hoo haa over the boob jobs came from other navies. It seems that there is a very competitive wet t shirt competition operating amongst the naval forces of some of the biggest nations in the world and there were concerns that Australia was trying to stack the odds (so to speak) of taking out the 2007 title. The Australian Navy denies this and has issued a statement saying the ladies will not be entering the competition. And it’s not just the Australian Navy that is have been looking into plastic surgery. It seems the Australian army were considering offering their men penis enlargement operations for the same ‘physical and psychological’ reasons but there were so many they decided it would be cheaper just give them bigger guns.

The Surge report that has congress in a spin.

General Patraeus testified to a congressional committee last week on the progress in Iraq. Some of the committee members thought it was a bit odd that the general started his presentation by handing out free sunglasses but everyone agreed the lovely rose tinted lens made for comfortable wearing. And things only got better. The generals general message to the crowd was that the Surge has worked its tits off. Violence is down, Iraqs armed forces are improving, Baghdad is more peaceful. In short, it is all good ladies and gentlemen. With the update on Iraq over so quick but the audience still enjoying their sun glasses General Patraeus went on to update them on some other big events. He reported that Global Warming is over and the planet is starting to cool down again. Britney Spears comeback performance at the MTV music awards was a huge sucsess and very well received by the audience. Burt Reynolds has decided to stop doing crap movies simply for the money. And Posh Spice has been a hug hit in America. Yes folks, it was a 5 star effort from a 4 star general.

My Italian design disaster.

Some clever Italian design guy realized that the shape of Italy would make a very handy bottle opener. Brilliant! But you would expect a cool design idea like that, from a country that prides itself on great design. What was even better about this was it also doubled as a fridge magnet. Now the fridge is where my beer lives and the opener is for the beer so having the two living as neighbors is brilliant. It saves me the walk across the kitchen to the draw with the unmagnetised bottle openers.
Just one problem. The hole that you put over the bottle cap is slightly too small. So rather than whipping the top off in one quick often practiced manner it take three or four attempts to loosen the little sucker.
How hard is it to make a bottle opener that works? Bottle caps aren’t like railway tracks or power points. They don’t have different gauges and types around the world. I know. I have opened beer across this lovely planets and I have never seen a bottle top come in anything other than the standard international agreed bottle top size. That’s why they sell so many souvenir bottle openers in airports. Because the souvenir people know it is a gift that can be used anywhere. Am I to believe that the Italian bottle opener fridge magnet design team didn’t bother to test their creation? What about the launch party? Didn’t anyone think to serve beer? Was it just wine? My grandad told me the Italians had lots of experience drinking beer. Every time they changed sides in the war they celebrated by opening a few bottles.
How can a bottle opener designer hope to have any credibility if he doesn’t open a fricken bottle of beer at least once. It would be like a group of Jehovah Witnesses starting up a business making Birthday cards.
I have been devastated by the performance of my Italian opener. Quite frankly it has left a bad taste in my mouth, although that could be the case of Sri Lankan beer I have had to work my way through this week. I don’t really rate Sri Lankan beer, but their country would make a nice ergonomically shaped bottle opener. Italy’s fuck up could be Sri Lanka’s gain.

Rugby World Cup 2007. Packing down with the future.

The world’s third most popular sporting event has rolled round again and the pressure is on for the famous All Blacks to bring home the silverware. They are without a doubt the best rugby team in the world between world cups. We just need to get thew timing right.
Being a tiny little island at the bottom of the world we place great importance on anything that gets us attention. The Americas Cup and Hobbits have worked for us from time to time, but rugby has been our main source of pride. Things got off to a good start with our game against Italy. I was surprised the Italians didn’t try to swap sides and come out with the All Blacks at half time. But it wasn’t really the work out the men in black need and I worry that they aren’t really going to get a decent run in their pool matches. We play Portugal next and they aren’t even putting their top team on the field. I wonder if they have Port in their sipper bottles? They’ll need it. If we have to play Portugal B I reckon the AB’s should only field players who have a letter B in their first name. Or perhaps give the Portuguese a head start. Maybe 10 minutes on the field by themselves at the start of each half.
Good to see the Japanese back for another hiding but at least they are starting to field a team of biggish looking blokes. Speaking of the Japanese there is a story going round that last week in New Zealand they found a Japanese player left over from the 87 world cup squad. He had been stuck in a very isolated part of New Zealand near Hamilton and thought the tournament was still going on. I reckon the Japanese should give up hiring old All Blacks as coaches and get their top scientists to build a team of rugby playing robots with laser beam eyes and electro magnets they switch on for a real solid bind in the scrum and hydraulic springs in the forwards legs for the lineout and built in cameras that play footage back to the ref so he doesn’t have to go upstairs, and boots that are welded on so there are no delays in play with boots coming off or undone laces
That would be cool team and I imagine its fans would be a healthy mix of anti sport computer nerds and rugby heads. And at the end of the day is rugby all about bringing people together? That’s why its called union.

New releases by Bin Laden and Britney.

The titan of terrorism and the princess of pop are back and it has been a while. After wisely waiting till after Elvis Presley’s 30th anniversary these two big names are making a quest to hit the headlines again.

While Britney’s time off from the music industry has been documented every sticky step of the way, Binny has opted for a more quiet approach spending time at his luxury cave complex in the mountainous Pakistan Afghan border region. No messy divorces for Mr Laden the biggest controversy of the last few years was to become the face in an advertising campaign for a range of all terrain dialysis machines. A move that some of his fans labeled as a sell out. But with that behind him he his back, like Miss Spears, to doing what they do best.

You have to change and evolve to keep the audience interested these days and like Britney, Bin laden’s stylists have gone for a new look. The coloured and shorter beard makes him look younger. Rumour has it that Britney’s team was also considering a beard till they found out Bin laden had beat them to it.
Britney will kick off her come back with a performance at the MTV awards. Bin Laden was lined up to present ‘Best Video filmed in a cave, but opted instead to be guest speaker at the launch of the 2007 model AK47.

There is one big difference between Britney and Binny of course and that is the length of their respective releases. Britney’s ‘Gimme More’ comes in at the standard 3 to 4 minutes while Bin Laden has gone for an epic 30 minutes. Time will tell whether this was a wise move when success depends on the buy in from those short attention spanned Gen Xers.
In the end the audience will decide whether Britney and Bin reclaim their status at the top of the popular people pile or slip down into the slope into Hasbeenville. Hopefully not matter how fierce the professional rivalry between them they can still take time out to visit each other’s tour buses, share a Mojito and non-alcoholic pina colada and talk about what a loser that Kevin Federline is.

Living the flashdance dream

My sister is like the Jennifer Beals of Christchurch. No, she isn’t trying to get into dance school, and she doesn’t have leg warmers and her boyfriend isn’t an American with a Porsche, he’s a pom with a Subaru. BUT, she is doing a welding course.

Welding is a great skill to have. I would love to learn to weld at night school like her but my current night school class in drinking beer and sitting on my arse doesn’t finish till 2018.

When the apocalypse happens people with skills like welding, fishing, building, first aid and skinning dogs are going to be the valuable members of society. People like me, ‘writers’ will be kicked out of the small fortified villages that spring up along with the car salesmen, parking wardens, Venetian blind installers and IT experts will be forced to wander the ‘dead zone’ where, against all odds, some of us will survive and form an unlikely alliance then hundreds of years later our mutant offspring will attack the fortified villages looking for food and some kind of obscure metal ore or oil that will have become the most coveted thing on the planet……

But back to sis. So yeah welding. I guess the family will be getting welded picture frames and welded nameplates and chunky welded jewelry for birthdays and xmas for a few years. That’s cool, there’s always some sucker on the net that will buy that junk. The other weird link with Flashdance I wanted to mention ties back to the 6 degrees story I wrote a while back. The guy in the film who was Jennifer Beal’s boyfriend and drove the Porsche was the dad of my brother’s flat mate back in the mid 90’s. Freaky eh. So in closing I just wanna say Take your passion and make it happen.’

Bono’s mate Pop Corn.

I call him corn man because he is a little man made of corn. I spied him on a packet of chips in the pantry about 1 oclock in the morning. Inanimate objects with arms and legs tend to catch my attention in the early hours of the morning. Seems odd that the corn people would let an old corn cob like his represent them. I mean he’s got a cane. He’s not Corn, he’s Pop Corn. Couldn’t they have gone for a younger more healthy guy. And the other disturbing thing is he isn’t wearing any pants. I understand that with pants on you wouldn’t see his corn but this guy in on a product kids buy. My daughter has them in her lunch. Is that really appropriate? I think corn man might have got the gig because he is mates with Bono from U2. Couldn’t help noticing he is wearing Bono’s jacket from U2’s Live Aid gig in 85 and Bono’s hat from his Joshua Tree era. With connections like that no wonder the corn chip people signed him. Sweet.

The evolution of the Nigerian email scams

Times are tough for the Nigerian email fraud industry. Hit rates are down as the world gets wise to there little games. I hear the Xmas parties at Nigerians biggest email fraud companies were a little less flashy last year. Gone were the gold leaf painted dancing elephants. The swimming pool of jelly that the children could dive into and grab Bratz dolls and Teenage mutant ninja turtles. With business drying up they have had to come up with new ways to trick greedy westerners into parting with their cash. The email I got last night must be the result of one of the company’s late night brain storming sessions.
For a start the email came from Mike Ego. I’m guessing the Nigerian research shows this is the perfect western name. The subject was ‘I am very Happy’
Now you tell me what western guy or gal wouldn’t open an email with the title ‘I am very happy’ especially when it comes from a guy called Mike Ego. If you met a guy called Mike Ego you would remember. SO, it stands to reason that if you cant recall a guy called Mike Ego that is because you were pissed when you met him. And that means you were having a great time. So Mike is therefore, by association, a great guy.
So far so good and Billy Boowimbewewa or whoever came up this strategy is to be congratulated.
When you get into the email it mentions money and a partner in Hong Kong. Nothing at all about dodgy old Nigeria. Hong Kong. That is full of hard working Asians. They’re too busy making money to waste time scamming westerners right? That’s Billy Boo’s theory. Up till this point Billy is looking at Nigerian Email fraudster of the year at the Nigerian Email fraud Awards or the NEFA’s but then you read the person you have to contact. Jhon Uba. I think they meant John. Honest typo happens all the time. But UBA? I smell a Nigerian. And that is why Billy will probably be busted back down to the mailroom. And I don’t mean email I mean dirty old snail mail. Tough break kid. You almost had me.
It is back to the drawing board for the scamsters in Nigeria and I cant wait to see what they come up with. I got an email about the NEFA’s and I sent my money to book my airfares, ticket to the ceremony and hotel. Apparently there was a mix up with the booking and I over paid but a nice Mr Woolawoo contacted me and said he will sort everything for me. All I had to do was send him a fax with my bank account details and my signature so he can refund the money for me. Those Nigerians are always so eager to help.

Dear friend,
I am very happy to inform you about my success in getting those funds
transferred under the cooperation of a new partner from Hong Kong.
Now, I want you to contact my secretary on the information below NAME;
Mr JHON UBA EMAIL; johnuba01@yahoo.se

Ask him to send you the total sum of $1,500,000.00 in cashier cheque
which i kept for your compensation. contact my secetary immediately and he will send the amount to you without delay. let me know immediately you receieve it si that we can share joy after all the suffering at that time.

Regards.
Mr MIKE EGO