Bobby & Binny

You remember Bobby Brown. He had some hits in the late 80’s and since then has concentrated on hits on the crack pipe. Well he must have enough money left to hire the world’s greatest PR people because you have to be good to come up with the kind of story they put out last week. Bobby announced to the world that Osama Bin Laden had at some stage, wanted him dead so he could marry his ex missus, Whitney Houston. Now I know what you’re thinking. This was timed to come out with Bobby’s tour of Australia as a way of generating publicity and letting Australia’s crack dealers know he is on the way. No way. No one could make this kind of shit up. And once you stop to think about it, it seems so obvious.
Stuck in a cave, somewhere on the Afghan/ Pakistan border, Bin laden only has his dialysis machine and a pile of Whitney Houston Cd’s to keep him company. It stands to reason that he would put the war on terror on hold to focus his amorous attentions on a burnt out crack addict. It probably wasn’t Whitney’s music that put her on Osama’s lust radar. It would have been her riveting performance in the cinematic masterpiece ‘Bodyguard’.
If George W Bush was a smarter man (as opposed to an ex alchoholic, drug taking spoilt rich kid who was installed as a puppet president to give the illusion of democracy so George seniors cronies can push through their own agenda) he would use Whitney to lure Osama out of hiding. Get her to announce a big concert in Islamabad. Wait till she is halfway through ‘I will always love you’ then nuke the stadium. Mind you, that could lead to some American casualties. There are bound to be a few entertainment press in the crowd as well as Whitney’s drug rehab buddy and her crack dealer. It might be easier just to take out the corporate boxes with a few cruise missiles. Al Queda are bond to have a corporate box. Osama would be right at home up there. It would be just like being in his cave but with a better view and a fully stocked bar.

Al Qaida, Al Qa’ida, el-Qaida, al Qaeda?

No wonder they can’t find Osama Bin laden, no one knows how to spell the name of his company. George Bush probably sent him a really terse letter on September 12 telling him to hand himself in to the nearest US Embassy or KFC in Afghanistan but he never got it because they wrote Al Qida’s name wrong. If I worked for Al Queiada’s PR agency, which is probably based in Pakistan near the mountainous border with Afghanistan, because that’s where Osama is. I would be seriously looking at the branding problem. Can’t you see Osama in his cave hitting the roof each time he sees another report. Maybe that’s the cunning plan by the world’s media. To smoke him out into the open. Wait till he writes a letter of complaint to TV Guide about the consistent misspelling of one of the world’s most preeminent terrorist organisations, then track him down. While we are on the subject of tracking down Osama. Has anyone asked Readers Digest if they have his address? I moved home about 3 times and those guys always managed to find me and flood my mailbox with their crap direct mail. I don’t think Osama would fall for the old ‘This cardboard key could be the key to a real car’ but I bet the mailbox outside his cave still gets that rubbish, along with the bills for the kidney dialysis machine rental and catalogues for new AK47’s.

Bombing Iran and saving the Republicans. The relaunch of the War on Terror.

The democrats lost the 2004 election thanks to the war on terror. The Republicans did a masterful job of fanning the flames of fear and implying that the Democrats were soft on terror. Even though Kerry was a Vietnam Vet facing off against a spoilt rich kid whose military service consisted of a cushy fighter pilot gig with the National Guard that he didn’t even complete. Despite that the Republicans managed to sell Bush as the people’s warrior and Kerry as the wimp.

Now, in 2007 the majority of Americans seem to have finally woken up to the fact that their government was bullshitting them about Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction and the links with Al Qaeda. And that they have been dragged into a war on false pretences. Public opinion has turned against the war and it seems that it will be the war in Iraq that will get the Democrats into the White House.

So what could save the Republicans? How about the Department of Homeland security suddenly uncovering evidence of a new terrorist threat. Remember how they used to conveniently come up with reasons to lift the threat risk from light orange to dark orange during the last election? But would the American people fall for that old line this time? Probably not. What the Republicans need is an actual attack. That’s why I think their strategists will push to go in and bomb Iran.

Think about it. They produce ‘credible intelligence’ that the threat had to be dealt with urgently. A few pictures in the UN a secret Iran ‘source’. They blow up some shit using cruise missiles and stealth bombers and Bush goes on TV chest puffed out looking like a ‘War President’ and telling the world that once again America has saved the free world from impending doom. And at the same time implying that if the Democrats were in power they wouldn’t have done anything.

Are the American people dumb enough to fall for this? Yes, some of them are. But here is the beauty of this plan. Iran will respond to an attack from America. They have made no secret about that. They probably aren’t stupid enough to do it through conventional warfare. They would get their arse kicked. They will plan attacks on soft American targets around the world. Once that starts happening, the war on terror is back on the front page and the Republicans can say ‘Do you trust the Democrats to protect you America? You need us to save you now more than ever.’ Are the American people dumb enough to fall for that? Yes. Lots of them are. Enough, I am guessing, to get the Republicans back into office. And that is why I think Iran is going to get got in the near future.

Hotel Security in Cairo.

I hate Cairo. If someone ever invents a giant steamcleaning unit that a city council could hire to come in and steam clean their city, and if that steam cleaning company decided to make a tv ad to promnote their service and if the ad agency suggested a tv concept that invovled a dirty dusty city thaqt needed a clean and a shiny sparking city that had just been steam cleaned the they could use Cairo as the before. But that said, they do have good hotel security. The x-ray machines and guards at the hotels make people feel more secure in these terrorist conscious times and the hotels love them. As well as bombs guns and box cutters coming, in the machines have also been set to detect hotel robes, towels and cutlery going out. Reducing theft by a whopping 28%. Another plus in the war on terror.

If the giant city steamcleaning unit got invented the owner probably wouldnt bother adveritisng in tv. I'd suggest DM to all the big citys. Maybe clean one for free. Or a bit. Go into Sydney and clean the opera house just to show what you can do.Or go into Amsterdam and clean up the redlight district. Well that's what you tell the wrld you are going to do and they think you mean get rid of all the hookers but you just clean the buildingas and everyone goes 'Ohhh, I get it' and mayors all round the world think I should get my city cleaned. Maybe the steamcleaning company hire the Queen of England or the Pope to do viral email where they say something like'I visit alot of cities and I like the ones that arent stinky and dirty so clean up you act.' That would get cities taking notice. when they get cleaned they could put a little logo on the city that shows up on google earth. Maybe they could also do an ad with an astornaut on the space shuttle. Get him to film cities from space and show us how the dirty citys look realy shitty from up there. He could imply that if you have a dirty city aliens wont bother to visit you. When a city was about to host the olympics the steamcleaning compnay could send them a letter saying 'Wanna look good for your big event?' Beijing would probably have to have the ultra heavy duty package. Maybe the Ameircans could give Bagdad a steamclean when they pull out their troops a a way of saying 'Sorry we fucked you country even more'.
And if the steamcleaners do find themselves in Bagdad maybe they could pop over to Cairo and do that town casue it needs it......... did I just write that all out loud?