Beirut’s Hall of Fame and the wanking president.

Up in the hills behind Beirut is one of Lebanon’s best-kept tourist attraction secrets. The Hall of Fame. A house full of life like silicon dummies. Well, they’re not all dummies. Albert Einstein is there, and the pope. He was freaky, either his head was a little small of his hands were a little big. The joint is fricken hilarious. Little sensors trigger some of them off and they talk or sing to you over the sound of the little motors that drive the body movements. The late Yasser Arafat is there. I thought he was broken, he wasn’t talking but his lips were vibrating.
‘Mechanical error?’ I enquired. ‘
Oh no explained our guide. As you know he had Parkinson’s before he died’…. Fair enough.
Leonardo Da Vinchi looked cool, although the Mexican blanket he was wearing seemed a little odd, but my favorite men were all together. Saddam Hussein and right next to him George W and Bill. George didn’t talk but check out the video footage. He has shifty little eyes like the baddie from Thunder Birds. An accident? I think not. And Bill was brilliant. He was delivering the 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman,' speech over and over and it was combined with some interesting hand movements. An accident? Not from a team that recreated the quivering lips of someone with Parkinson’s.

Church merch

Holy water, they should bottle this stuff… hang on, they do. When I found it in the church shop I wished I had come in dressed as a vampire, but I guess they see that gag played out all the time. I spilt someone my wife to see if the stuff was for real. It didn’t make he skin burn so I think the stuff could be fake.
The Catholic Church is right into its merchandise; I haven’t seen this much stuff for sale since I went to a Rolling Stones concert. I also got a cool little bracelet. Funny thing is it looks very similar to the Hezbollah bracelet I bought the day before. Almost looks like they come from the same factory. Now that’s an interesting though isn’t it?

Shootin in Beirut. But not bullets

I’ve been in Beirut for a few days now and I got to say, it is a cool town. The town that wouldn’t die they called it on account of all the fighting that has gone on here over the years. Every third building looks like it has a bad case of acne, but it’s not. They’re bullet holes. A plasterer could make a lot of money here touching up buildings. Or maybe not. Perhaps no one bothers because they know their walls will only get pocked again. I hope not.
If Beirut were a person it would be the really friendly cool guy or girl that everyone likes, but who has had a long run of real bad luck but who everyone hopes is going to be able to get back on his or her feet.
Like a lot of Middle Eastern towns this city looks like it could do with a good clean and a new coat of paint, but if they painted it now it would probably be camouflage. The army is all over the place, manning roadblocks and generally looking really bored. That’s on account of the recent troubles with Hezbollah and the fact they have a new president. Dangerous job, being president of Lebanon. 6 days one of them lasted before he was assassinated.
I was surprised to see tanks and armored vehicles parked round the city, but after being on the roads for a while you see why. Nothing quite says ‘get the hell out of my way like a tank appearing in your rear view mirror. There are way too many cars in Beirut and nowhere to park, but if you’re in a tank, you can park anywhere, on anything.
Apart from the cool people, cool bars, great food, amazing weather, great shops and general cool vibe, you know what I really like about this place? Everywhere you go you see little plastic chairs outside on the footpath. Sometimes there’s just one, but usually there are two or three. And men sit in them from early in the morning, till late late at night and they sit and watch the world go by and shoot the shit. Which is probably something they couldn’t do back when there was real shooting go on.
If you’re wondering about the photo of the tank, I wasn’t trying to be arty. They army get funny about you taking pics of them and they have guns so I didn’t want to argue. I think they also have maps because they were really helpful when it came to giving you directions.