Hummer Love

It’s is the classic expat cliché. Come to the Middle East and buy a Hummer. Hummer, famous for having the most expensive launch event ever. That would be Gulf War 1. The mother of all car launches. Anyway, 17 years on the hummer aint the new kid on the block anymore. It was cool to have a hummer here in the UAE a couple of years ago, but the cashed up car nuts who change their cars like their undies have moved on. The new Rover is the in thing this month.

What about our carbon footprint you ask? Well with a Hummer it is more of an army issue desert boot print, but my theory is, if all this fighting and stress over the price of oil wasn’t around, we would all be better off. How do we sort that out? Get rid of the oil. Use it up. Fast. And my friends, doing 160 k’s between Abu Dhabi and Dubai is a good way to use it up.

The Hummer is big. I’ve never had an SUV, never really wanted one, but now I have had a taste of it, it would be hard to go back. Before we got the Hummer we were renting a VW polo. I have filled that with pine scented dishwashing liquid and hung it form the hummers rear view mirror.
The Hummer is high off the ground.
It’s a climb to get in, but once you’re there it’s worth it. Kind of like getting to the top of Everest. The Hummer is so high off the ground that at Hummer dealerships, one of the optional extras is a midget lady who lives in the spare tyre compartment and comes round offering you a choice of chicken or fish on long trips.
Judder bars are a thing of the past. When you’re in a car that was designed to be able to drive over small desert villages without stopping, a judder bar is just a joke.

We got the H3. It’s totally different to the H1 and 2. Each model that comes out seems to have a little more of the sharp edges taken off. It’s sad how that happens. The Hummer caught the imagination of the nation because it looked different to all the pussy cars we were used to seeing. It wasn’t smooth and curvy, it was boxy with sharp corners and low to the ground. Arnie wanted one. And back in 91 he was still kind of cool, in a larger than life Hollywood way. But the H3 is a shadow of its early days. Looks to me like the result of endless focus groups and research meetings that have tried to pander to the soccer mum crowd. Bit of chrome here, smooth those front corners, put some pretty taillights on it. Any more tweaks and they might as well slap a Hyundai logo on its arse.
The H4 will probably suck and buy the time it comes out Arnie will be the only guy rich enough to fill it with gas, so we are living the dream now.
The wife likes to keep it clean, but I think a Hummer looks better dirty. It also makes it look like I have been off roading.
The pressure about getting a big 4x4 like a hummer is everyone says ‘have you taken it off road yet?’ and when you say no, they give you that slightly disappointed look. I parked outside a restaurant the other day and road works were going on out front so I had to drive up on the curb to park… does that count? … Not really eh.

All you need is love

How can the world take a leader seriously when he dresses like he is going to a sergeant peppers lonely hearts club fancy dress party?

Oh, that's right. No one does.

Why polar bears cant retire.

Another story in the paper today about the disappearing ice at the North pole. But last week there was a story that they found ice on Mars, so doesn’t that kind of cancel things out. The universe giveeth and the universe taketh away type thing.
The only thing that bums me out about the ice disappearing is the poor old polar bears. If you were a typical polar bear couple and you bought a little section of ice in the 70’s, its melted away to fuck all now. There goes the retirement nest egg.
There was a polar bear at Auckland zoo in the 80’s who started turning green. It wasn’t the lack of ice I don’t think. They painted the concrete white to make it look like ice and the polar bear probably really liked that. Ice without the chill. When he told his mates back home they probably thought he was tripping and his green fur would have confirmed that for them. I think the green was caused by a fungal infection but maybe he was from mars. They have ice there.
They also found out that the soil on mars is perfect for growing asparagus. So guys, if you are in the loo and you see a little green man he might be a human in fancy dress. But if his wee wee is really smelly, then there is a good chance he’s a martian.