The Crap Pack

It has all turned to custard for Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears. Or the Crap Pack as I like to call them.
Lindsay has been in more rehab centers than watchable films in her short life. And now it looks like Britney might be joining her to get weaned of the jack and coke, and coke. Apparently Britney Spears mother Lynne received an anonymous phone call last week, tipping her off about the singer's drug taking.
Oh really? Are you telling me Lynne didn’t know? Don’t they get TV reception in her trailer park? Doesn’t she read magazines?
Paris did jail time instead of rehab but now she has announced she is off to Rwanda. Has someone told Pars there are no Prada, Gucci or Mui Mui stores in Rwanda? Maybe she isn’t going there for a handbag. Maybe she is gonna pull a Madonna and adopt a 3rd world kid to replace her tiny dog. Or maybe they will both have to squeeze into the same handbag. If she is only going there for a photo op couldn’t she just get someone to build a fake Rwanda set in Hollywood. If some of Paris’ emaciated pals spent a few extra hours on the tanning beds they would look just like the starving children in Rwanda. As if poor old Rwanda doesn’t enough problems now they will have to put up with the Platinum princess wafting through the country handing out copies of her porn tape. But maybe this could be the thing that brings the Hutu and the Tutsi together. (Has someone told Paris that these are tribes and not new types of perfume?) Maybe they can stop killing each other and learn to hate a common enemy. Bimbo American socialites who use dirt poor African nations to make themselves look good.

The Surge report that has congress in a spin.

General Patraeus testified to a congressional committee last week on the progress in Iraq. Some of the committee members thought it was a bit odd that the general started his presentation by handing out free sunglasses but everyone agreed the lovely rose tinted lens made for comfortable wearing. And things only got better. The generals general message to the crowd was that the Surge has worked its tits off. Violence is down, Iraqs armed forces are improving, Baghdad is more peaceful. In short, it is all good ladies and gentlemen. With the update on Iraq over so quick but the audience still enjoying their sun glasses General Patraeus went on to update them on some other big events. He reported that Global Warming is over and the planet is starting to cool down again. Britney Spears comeback performance at the MTV music awards was a huge sucsess and very well received by the audience. Burt Reynolds has decided to stop doing crap movies simply for the money. And Posh Spice has been a hug hit in America. Yes folks, it was a 5 star effort from a 4 star general.