Lets clear the air on the Beijing Olympics.

The old style Olympics was all well and good. Athletes from around the globe, at the top of their game, performing to the absolute limit of human ability for the enjoyment and wonderment of all.
But those wise Olympic bosses saw the writing on the wall, they realized that athletes and spectators needed something more. So the brains trust got to thinking. How could they up the odds?
The answer was blowing in the wind. Pollution.
Why not make things a little tougher for competitors. Sure, they can run, pedal paddle, lift, throw, shoot and jump. But can they do it while they breath in liters and liters of toxic air? Surely that would be the ultimate test of an athlete’s ability.
The IOC searched the world for just the right city. It needed the perfect blend of infrastructure and polluted atmosphere.
Many cities put up their hand but when it came down to the nitty gritty they failed to deliver on the really shitty, smoggy, toxic atmosphere the IOC was looking for.
Finally, Beijing made the grade. But only after promising to step up their pollution output ahead of the big games.
All credit to the city. They have surpassed expectations and the world can look forward to the new style Olympics. Not so much of a look, as more of a squinty peer through the murky haze.
And it wont just be the performances that are affected. The pollution will enhance the events in other ways.
The running races will have an added element of the unknown for spectators because they wont be able to see the whole track. Imagine the thrill sitting near the finish line. You can hear the running feet, but you have to wait till the last second for the competitors to emerge from the smog to see who is going to win.
In the cycling, the flash new smog lights fitted to the bikes will give us all a glimpse of the future of pedal power.
We’ve all seen laser light shows. But wait till you see the way lasers bounce off thick clouds of dark toxic factory smoke in the opening ceremony. The site of thousands of spectators and competitors crammed into the stadium, all wearing their communist red gas masks will be a proud moment for all the citizens of the planet. If I could sum up these games in one word. It would be SMOKIN!

The bags behind global warming.

It‘s a worrying new trend that is threatening our very existence. Big chunky gold and silver handbags that look like they are made out of leftover NASA space suit material.
Not only is the trend growing, so are the size of the handbags.
Why are these bags so much bigger now? Do ladies suddenly have a lot more stuff to carry around?
Do you want to know why Al Gore will never be seen carrying one of these? Their reflective power.
Scientists have discovered that the combination of a huge number of bags and their large, reflective surface area, means they’re directly contributing to global warming.
Before the collective gasp of distressed fashion victims reverberates round our hot little planet, I am not advocating the banning of these bags.
There’s a simple solution.
Scientists have invented a special, matt varnish spray that can be applied to the bags to reduce the shine and glare.
Children, armed with cans of this earth saving spray will be sent out around the malls of the world to offer this service free of charge. These children will be pulled from sweat shops across Asia and will naturally be thrilled to be out from behind their sewing machines so it’s a win win.