It takes balls to survive the credit crunch.

Article I wrote for ME Media Week.


If ever we needed evidence that the economic downturn is hitting the UAE, cast your eyes over this picture. The old toss the ball in the milk can and win a stupid stuffed animal game. Looks so easy doesn’t it? Well it does to my 6 year-old daughter. ‘Go on Daddy. Win me one.’ I hear the unspoken message in those words – ‘All the other dads can do it. If you really love me you’ll get me that giant stuffed white thing which is based loosely on a lion, that I have been madly in love with for the past 25 seconds.’
This game is a scam, as any father who has given in to his child’s pleading and eyelid fluttering will tell you. For a start, the balls are way bigger than the little white one we see popping into the milk can in this picture. Much bigger. So big in fact I suspect even if you do manage to get it over the hole, it wont fit in. I haven’t been able to confirm this yet because the rims of these milk cans were designed by NASA scientists. You know how they used to calculate the angles so a spaceship would catch the gravity of the moon and slingshot back to earth? They’ve applied the same theory to the rims of the milk cans. The ball catches the rim, spins round and flies off into some distant Emirate.
See the little i? That stands for IDIOT. They can get away with that, because they know you’ll try anyway. The guys who work these stalls have degrees in child psychology. Notice how after each miss, they smile nicely and say ‘Try again sir?’ This is subtly aimed at your kid and their reaction is always ‘Oh yes daddy. Please. Please.’
What is that white four-legged thing you can win? White lion? Polar bear? Or some hideous genetically modified mixture of the two. Are we helping to fund gruesome genetic experiments by playing this game? Is that the sick twisted truth? I suggested that to my daughter. She just pointed longingly at the mountain of white fluff and fluttered her eyelids again. They always have loads of those mutant animals stacked up. As if to say, ‘We know all you super skilled men will be talking loads of these home so we have to stock up.’
But times are changing. Things are tougher now. Not the game thankfully. I guess if they wanted to take it to the next level they could introduce basketballs. Or hook you up to a car battery, so you get an electric shock each time you miss.
What’s different is there aren’t so many suckers lining up to part with their cash. The milk can boys know why. Not only are the smiling financial assassins in those booths trained in child psychology, they also watch the world’s financial markets with falcon like intensity. Fair enough. Apart running around picking up all the oversized balls, and taking your money, there isn’t a lot to do is there? Their tweaking of the token to ball ratio is in direct response to what’s happening around the world. Wondering when this financial rollercoaster of doom is going to bottom out?
Forget watching the markets or wading through the endless predictions from business boffins around the globe. Keep an eye on your local milk can stand. When the prices go back to normal, that’s the time to jump back into the share market.