The Jolly weird Green Giant

I guess if you have grown up with this guy on your cans of food, you don’t even give him a second thought. But at 2 am last Wed on the way into the cupboard for the 2 minute noodles, I got distracted, took an early turn off and ended up in front of the cans of soup. And that’s when I first encountered the Jolly green Giant.
Turns out he’s been around a while. And he would to have been. This bloke would never make it as the face of your soup these days would he. The designer would be run out of the food company’s boardroom.
Giants grind up your bones to make bread and what goes great with soup?
Not only that, the guy is green. Is that mould or has the die from his fake leaves run? And what’s with the leaves?
I hope he wears something a little more substantial when he is in the food preparation areas.
Speaking of substantial. Was it really cold when they drew him, because that frock thing he has on is cut high and I would have thought you would have seen some kind of hint of the crown jewels wouldn’t you? Unless he’s a Eunuch.
Maybe that would make him safer around the womenfolk.
Anyway, I don’t know the back story, but I like the guy and I will be making an effort to use all the Jolly Green Giant products from now on, and I have told my daughter that if she wants to grow up big and strong and green she should too.

Little pricks make a lasting impression

A long long time ago. Probably somewhere in China.



Ow!......... Ow!................ Owwwww! That hurt.

Sorry.

No, that really hurt that time. How long is this going to take?

Not long.

You said that hours ago. OW!

Sorry.

No you’re not.

Look, I’ve nearly finished your arm.

Good…. What do you mean your ARM?

I mean I’m just about done.

No. No you said ‘your ARM,’ as in, that particular body part. Ow!

Sorry.

Don’t change the subject. ‘your ARM’ What do you mean?

Well obviously after your arm I need to do your leg.

Leg! Wh…

And then spine, head…

You want to do THIS to the rest of my body? Look at my arm. Look at it! You’ve made little punctures all over it. There’s blood coming out of some of them.

What did you say?

There’s blood. You’re making me bleed!

No. Before that?

What? The little punctures?

A Puncture. I like that.

What’s this all about? What are you up too?

I’m not sure yet. I might be trying to find a cure.

For what?

Pain for one thing.

Pain! You’re kidding me? You’ve given me nothing but pain. Sticking pins into people to ease pain? That’s crazy. It’ll never catch on.

Look at that. Sticking out of your arm.

That a really short pin?

No. It’s a really long pin that I have inserted into your arm. And you didn’t feel a thing.

Not it isn’t. It’s a short………. Bloody hell! That thing was stuck right in.

Don’t pull it out!

What?

I didn’t want you to pull it out. I needed to mark where it was on your body. It must be one of the points I’ve been looking for.

Oh, I see. No problem. I’ll put it back in. It was just around… Ow! Not there. Ow!

Let me do it. I think it was just….

Ow! No it wasn’t! You’re hurting me again. I thought the point of all this was to stop pain.

Well it might. If I can find all the points.

How did you get onto all this?

I was piercing my ear and I accidentally pricked myself with a pin. But I noticed that it didn’t hurt and the headache I had went away.

Really?

Truly. Here I’ll show you.

Keep that pin away from my head!

No it won’t hurt, I promise. I’ve already identified the points on the ear. Trust me.

Alright then. But this better not hurt. I’m warning you. If I feel one bit of pain I’m….

I’ve done it.

Bullshit.

Look in the mirror.

Bloody hell. Look at that. There’s a pin sticking out of my head.

So can we keep doing the tests?

Listen, it looks freaky and it will make a great party trick, but there’s no proper reason for sticking needles in people. It’s a waste of time.

It’s not. It is important I tell you. These special points must exist for a reason. I’ll tell you what. Why don’t we take a break? Go outside, have a smoke and then we can get on with the testing.

I don’t really feel like it.

Not even if I promise to be careful.

No, I mean I don’t feel like having a smoke. Isn’t that weird? I always feel like having a smoke. But anyway, that’s beside the point. I also don’t feel like being your pincushion. It’s stupid and I can’t see the point in it. I’m going.

World’s Tallest Building Bollocks

They’re building the worlds biggest everything in the UAE so it is no surprise the world’s tallest building is going up in Dubai. Incidentally, a mate told me the project manager is a Kiwi. Cool eh. We’re everywhere.
This will be the first building in the world that has lifts you can use in a fire. Essential if the owners ever hoped to get the fire brigade to turn out for a fire.
I don’t know how fast the lifts will be, but perhaps they could put café’s in them so you could have a couple of flat whites and read the paper on the way up or down.
For residents, being in the world’s tallest building will change the way they live.
“Honey, I’m going to be late home tonight.”
“Where are you now?”
“The basement. I’m just getting into the lift. Kiss the kids goodnight for me.”
Sadly the world’s tallest building will probably attract suicide jumpers. But they could use the height to help save lives. Jumpers have to put on a parachute and are given a cell phones at the top. On the way down the jumper gets a call from the suicide hotline and they try to talk the person out of it. If they do change their mind there will still be time to pull the ripcord and float down.
The even bigger news is I am told they are planning an even BIGGER building in Kuwait. Twice as high as the Dubai one. 1 mile up. They should put airplane toilets on the top floor so that people who are afraid of flying have a chance to join the mile high club.