7 Blunders of the modern world

At a star studded ceremony in Masterton New Zealand (star studded because it was held outside at night) The winners of the 7 blunders of the world were announced. Voters from around the world were invited to write their nominations on the back of used car park receipts and attach them to carrier pigeons. Perhaps it is a reflection of the fact that it is hard to find reliable carrier pigeons these days because only 8 submissions were received and the ink had run on one of them ( I think the pigeon flew threw a rain storm). So here they are.


Y2K
2000 US Presidential Election
The UN
The invasion of Iraq
The multi tune car alarm (WaaaWaaaWaaa DooooopDoooooopBeengBeengBeenb!)
Turning Paris Hilton & Lindsay Lohan into celebrity status
Aspartame

The death of the Saxophone solo.

Been sitting watching VH1 all morning and I was reminded of the fact that just about every music video in the 80’s had a saxophone player in it. Yeah, so saxophone players. Bruce Springsteen, Billy Ocean Spandau Ballet, Dire Straits, Tina Turner, Sade. All the big acts in the 80’s had a man or woman on Sax. Sometimes more than one. (What do you call a group of Saxophone players? Did you know a group of Crows is called a murder. Freaky eh. Unless anyone has any better ideas I think a group of saxophone players should be called a twort as in ‘Hey I went to see Billy Ocean live last night. You know he has a Twort of Saxophone players. Two guys and a girl. ‘

But I digress. Here’s the thing I was thinking about. Where are they all now? Clarence Clemons from the E Street band probably made a nice tidy sum playing with the Boss. But most of those poor suckers got 30seconds of fame per song where they were allowed to wander up near the singers mike stand and blow their little hearts out. Then they were sent back to their rear of stage beside the three black backing singers. By the 90’s saxophone solos were out. So where did they all go? They can’t all be playing in cover bands on Cruise ships. The people I feel really sorry for are the youngsters who only just broke into the music biz in the late 80’s. After years of practice they were finally ready to hit the stage. They move to London New York or LA of get in a band or do session work and suddenly… no one wants a saxophone player anymore. For those guys the big muscley bloke who played with Tina Turner would have been their idol. Not only was be super buff and got to play with no shirt on he even got a bit part with her in Beyond Thunderdome. For a young sax player he was proof of where the instrument could take you. But then the arse fell out of the sax solo market and I fear there are hundreds of musicians around the world with shattered dreams. Next time you’re in town and the haunting sound of an echoey saxophone wafts down the street go and find the busker. Take a good look at them. Maybe you’ll recognize them from a video on VH1 or perhaps they were one of the unlucky ones who got the party a little late. Toss em a few coins and say something like ‘Hang in there buddy. Your time will come again.’ It’s probably bullshit, but as they sit in their grotty little bed-sit later that night trying to get the last few drops of brasso out of the can, your words will keep them company.

You’d be a dope to be a professional cyclist

Shock horror! Another cyclist on the Tour de France has failed a dope test. Well pass the puncture repair kit Pierre. Why don’t the bosses behind men’s cycling just dispense with the pretence and embrace the fact that all their boys are chocka block full of roids.
Why fight it? If the competitors are so eager to use them, make it mandatory. They should still have dope tests, but if there are no traces of steroids found in the cyclists blood or wee wee, that’s when they fail!
It is a tough sport to be a part of. Grown men have to shave their legs to compete. Do you have any idea how much they get hassled by other professional sportsmen? Is it any wonder they try to ease the pain with huge horse sized hypodermics full of pedal power.
Cycling could do with the edge. It’s a boring sport. The only good bit is when you see those massive pile-ups. I think it would be hilarious to see roid raging riders with thighs as thick as 8 year olds pedaling round the Europe.
I imagine if the doctors were allowed to dope at full dose? A professional cyclist could end up looking like the Incredible Hulk. Come to think of it, the Hulks pants look like cycle shorts. Maybe he used to be on the tour.

Son of Surge

The problem with deadlines is they have a habit of creeping up on you. September must have seemed so far away when Bush first introduced his Surge. What to do….what to do?
Well luckily the American Command have sent in a Battalion of Army engineers to shift the goal posts. The new plan comes in two phases. No point in biting off more than you can chew. The “Near Term” goal is to achieve “localized security” in Baghdad and other areas no later than June 2008 (I thought that was what the Surge was meant to do by September 2007?) The new theory apparently puts a premium on protecting the Iraqi population Baghdad, on the theory that the improved security will provide the Iraqi political leaders with the breathing space they need to try political reconciliation. No surprise that this plan has been stitched together by General Petraeus, whose balls are well and truly in the sling with September approaching. And I’m sure the ‘breathing space’ will be welcomed with open arms by Mr Bush. June 2008 pushes the whole messy Iraq thing a long away away. From there it will be a short skip and a jump to the end of his presidency and then some other sucker can take charge of the mess.

Nostradamus

Saw a documentary about Nostradamus the other day. Freaky guy. He predicated some really interesting stuff. Maybe he also knew that in the future that people who were interested in predictions would also be really into poetry and that’s why he wrote all his predictions as obscure poems.
What a lot of people don’t realise is that seeing the future was something that ran in the family. While the Nosmeister’s siblings weren’t quite as prolific as their older brother they made some interesting predictions.

Flosstradamus foresaw a day when people would spend large amounts of money on dental care.

Lacrosstradamus predicated the rise of a game where men would chase a little ball with sticks that had nets on the end.

Mosstradamus, had visions of a non toxic bio degradable spray that home owners would be able to apply to driveways and paths to get rid of moss and mildew.