My Italian design disaster.

Some clever Italian design guy realized that the shape of Italy would make a very handy bottle opener. Brilliant! But you would expect a cool design idea like that, from a country that prides itself on great design. What was even better about this was it also doubled as a fridge magnet. Now the fridge is where my beer lives and the opener is for the beer so having the two living as neighbors is brilliant. It saves me the walk across the kitchen to the draw with the unmagnetised bottle openers.
Just one problem. The hole that you put over the bottle cap is slightly too small. So rather than whipping the top off in one quick often practiced manner it take three or four attempts to loosen the little sucker.
How hard is it to make a bottle opener that works? Bottle caps aren’t like railway tracks or power points. They don’t have different gauges and types around the world. I know. I have opened beer across this lovely planets and I have never seen a bottle top come in anything other than the standard international agreed bottle top size. That’s why they sell so many souvenir bottle openers in airports. Because the souvenir people know it is a gift that can be used anywhere. Am I to believe that the Italian bottle opener fridge magnet design team didn’t bother to test their creation? What about the launch party? Didn’t anyone think to serve beer? Was it just wine? My grandad told me the Italians had lots of experience drinking beer. Every time they changed sides in the war they celebrated by opening a few bottles.
How can a bottle opener designer hope to have any credibility if he doesn’t open a fricken bottle of beer at least once. It would be like a group of Jehovah Witnesses starting up a business making Birthday cards.
I have been devastated by the performance of my Italian opener. Quite frankly it has left a bad taste in my mouth, although that could be the case of Sri Lankan beer I have had to work my way through this week. I don’t really rate Sri Lankan beer, but their country would make a nice ergonomically shaped bottle opener. Italy’s fuck up could be Sri Lanka’s gain.

When you’re famous everybody wants a piece of you. Italy Part 3

So the other day we went to this picturesque little Tuscan town called Siena that was very old. How old? Well to give you an idea, much of the town pre dated the Rolling Stones. A funny little Italian girl in 3-foot cork soled shoes took us on a 3-hour walking tour of Siena. We lasted an hour before my wife got distracted by shoe shops and I got distracted by beer. The tour started in a big church and because it was the start I was still paying attention. The lady balanced on cork told us about a young Italian woman called Saint Catherin who came from the town back in the 12 or 1300’s. She was a saint because she was mates with the Pope and didn’t used to eat much and rather than sleep she used to whip herself to make up for the sins of the common folk. Anyway she died in Rome but the townsfolk of Siena wanted her remains in their church so the head honchos in Rome sent them her thumb and her head and you can see them on display in the church. The head is in a little box covered in wax and the dried out thumb is on a little silver stick.
The lady didn’t know why there was a thumb and a head I suspect when the people of Siena asked for Catherin’s remains, the priests in Rome sent them a thumb. But the town got really pissed off and complained that you cant build a decent shrine with a fricken thumb and they demanded more. So a few days later a courier delivered a box with Catherin’s head in it.
After the church we walked down a street to see another church. It was next to a
Mc Donald’s. I explained to Dick and Sue the middle aged American tourists, that inside that particular McDonalds there was a glass cabinet with the desiccated thumb of the original Saint Ronald. They didn’t see the humor.

ITaly. IT rocks.

I don’t know why so many Italians migrated to America. Lucky for us they did, otherwise we wouldn’t have had The God Father Part 1& 2 (not so much 3) or the Sopranos. But why you would leave Italy is beyond me. This country is so fricken cool. You go into a shop to buy your daughter an ice cream and there is a fridge full of beer. How civilized it that. And these little ice-cream/beer/coffee selling shops are everywhere. Did you know being an old man sitting outside a cafÈ drinking coffee and reading a paper is an actual job in this country. You have to train for it your whole life by sitting outside a cafÈ reading the paper and drinking coffee and when you are old enough they pay you to do it. By law a cafÈ has to employ at least one old man to sit outside their cafÈ. Some hire two or three so they can talk to each other. I want that job.
The Italians like to put their villages on top of hills. A lot like the Maori in New Zealand who used to put their Pa on top of hills. And for the same reason. In the old days towns and villages used to regularly try to kick the shit out of each other. If you lived on a hill you could see the baddies coming. Today it serves another purpose. It means the countryside is dotted with hill tops covered with picture perfect Italian towns. Very fricken pretty. As I thought about the Maori and their pa I reflected on the fact that in the 1940’s Maori warriors came over here and kicked the shit out if baddies. I bet they felt right at home here. I love Italy I might never leave except I am spending al my money on ice-cream, coffee and beer and it will run out in 5 days. Maybe Italy isn’t so cool when you don’t have money. Maybe that’s when you start thinking about moving to America and getting into organised crime. I really like Italy. If I had to do an advertising campaign for it I would make the tag line - ITaly, the IT country. Because it rocks.

Me & George Bush in Rome

Arrived in Rome and noticed large numbers of police on the streets. Even the cops dress stylishly in Italy. Lots of them had these little purple cravat things round their necks so they kind of looked like security guards at the Playboy mansion. I thought maybe the heavy uniformed presence was a regular thing like Cairo, but no. Turns out George W Bush had chosen to celebrate the end of the G8 with a visit Rome the same day I did. I wondered if all the police on the streets meant the Italians wanted to arrest Bush to question him for his war crimes in Iraq or abuse of human rights in Qantanamo bay. But it turns out they were there to ensure he got through town quickly and efficiently. The Romans brought road to the world but you know how hairdressers often have bad haircuts and mechanics cars are always in need of repair. Well Rome’s roads are a shocker. I could see why the most powerful man in the world (after the inventor of the pushup bra) would need help getting out. After waiting 45 minutes while plain clothed cops on scooters raced up and down the road beeping their horns and me explaining to my daughter that we couldn’t cross the road because the leader of the free world was on the way, the Bush traveling circus raced up the street. 6 motorbikes, 4 or 5 local cop cars then three big fuck off black America limos with blacked out windows. The front one had its windows down and sitting there with the butt of his machine gun sticking up was a grumpy looking secret service agent. I suspect he had probably just paid the entrance fee to visit the Coliseum. That was followed by half a dozen more Italian cops cars, a couple of motorbikes and what looked appeared to be 4 Japanese tourists in a little blue Fiat who had taken a wrong turn. Although they could have been part of the Secret Service’s last line of defense ninja squad, because none of them were taking photos. Everywhere George goes he must see hundreds of people lined up on the street waiting. I wonder if he thinks they are all there to see him or if someone has told him it is because the cops wont let anyone cross the street. Soon he wont be president anymore. I think it will be very hard to adjust to life as a commoner after 8 years of never having to stop at traffic lights. Maybe they will let him keep the grumpy guy with the machine gun to help adjust to normal life. Actually with all friends he’s made round the world he’ll probably need a dozen guys with machine guns around him permanently. Sucked in.

Wearing out the sandals on the streets of Rome.

Rome. Famous for it’s sandals and giving the world toga parties. There are a few other things but those are two biggies. So I was buzzed about finally being able to visit the place. First thing you notice is that Italians dress really well. Maybe it’s because they spent all that time wrapped in matching white sheets and now they want to make up for it.
Did you know the Romans also invented the toilet? I thought that was quite ironic because the one in our hotel room didn’t work.

We only had half a day in Rome so we went to the Coliseum. It looks really shitty but it is really old so that makes it ok. Thing is, there must have been a long period of time where the Coliseum was just shitty but not actually really old. During that time it could have been pulled down and replaced by something new but no one got around to it and then after a long time of no one doing anything, they suddenly realised that it was now really old and the whole shitty thing kind of worked in its favour. So the coliseum is really a great example to local body politicians round the world that sometimes just simply doing nothing can be good for you town.

Around the Coliseum there were men dressed like Roman soldiers that you could have you photo taken with. My daughter wouldn’t go near them till I explained to her that they were kind of like Santa in a short dress with a sword. After that she was all over them.
Skipped the Vatican but saw little pictures of the Pope for sale in souvenir shops everywhere we went. I thought a good Catholic Church souvenir would be a little jumping penis wearing a priest’s collar. I asked the lady in one of the souvenir shops if they sold anything like that but she was Korean and didn’t understand me.
Rome is a very civilized city. You go into a shop to buy your daughter an ice cream and there is a fridge full of beer. No wonder so many countries round the world submitted to Roman rule. Speaking of Roaming I’m off to Tuscany now for a 4 day tour of the locations used in that crappy Russell Crowe film where he made wine.