Nature can be a real mother

Can you imagine what a turtle would look like without a shell? A big fat lizard that has been dealt to with a rolling pin. And it’s true because there is one and that’s exactly what it looks like. It’s called the Asian Giant Soft Shelled Turtle. Soft shell isn’t really accurate. It should be called ‘no shell’ but the people that named it were obviously being kind.
So this ‘no shell’ turtle spends 95% of it’s life buried in the mud with only its eyes poking out of the ground. And fair enough wouldn’t you. Imagine sitting there buried in mud and a normal turtle packing a big fancy shell comes waddling past.
“What ya doing down there?’
‘Nothing. Just sitting in the mud... looking at stuff.’
‘Well come on down to the river. We’re all hanging out.’
So soft shell builds up the courage to pull himself out of the mud and all the shell boys get a look at the freak and start laughing. And that’s it. Back into your mud hole you go. Apparently the Asian Giant soft shelled turtle is nearly extinct. I’m not surprised. A lot of them are probably killing themselves. The ones that aren’t probably have heart disease on account of the fact they spend 95% of their life sitting in the mud doing nothing. Maybe the soft shelled turtle has always been lazy even back when he had a shell. Maybe he sat in the mud for thousands of years, with a shell and nature decided ‘Hey, if your gonna sit on your arse in the mud I’m gonna take away your shell.’

Bombing Iran and saving the Republicans. The relaunch of the War on Terror.

The democrats lost the 2004 election thanks to the war on terror. The Republicans did a masterful job of fanning the flames of fear and implying that the Democrats were soft on terror. Even though Kerry was a Vietnam Vet facing off against a spoilt rich kid whose military service consisted of a cushy fighter pilot gig with the National Guard that he didn’t even complete. Despite that the Republicans managed to sell Bush as the people’s warrior and Kerry as the wimp.

Now, in 2007 the majority of Americans seem to have finally woken up to the fact that their government was bullshitting them about Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction and the links with Al Qaeda. And that they have been dragged into a war on false pretences. Public opinion has turned against the war and it seems that it will be the war in Iraq that will get the Democrats into the White House.

So what could save the Republicans? How about the Department of Homeland security suddenly uncovering evidence of a new terrorist threat. Remember how they used to conveniently come up with reasons to lift the threat risk from light orange to dark orange during the last election? But would the American people fall for that old line this time? Probably not. What the Republicans need is an actual attack. That’s why I think their strategists will push to go in and bomb Iran.

Think about it. They produce ‘credible intelligence’ that the threat had to be dealt with urgently. A few pictures in the UN a secret Iran ‘source’. They blow up some shit using cruise missiles and stealth bombers and Bush goes on TV chest puffed out looking like a ‘War President’ and telling the world that once again America has saved the free world from impending doom. And at the same time implying that if the Democrats were in power they wouldn’t have done anything.

Are the American people dumb enough to fall for this? Yes, some of them are. But here is the beauty of this plan. Iran will respond to an attack from America. They have made no secret about that. They probably aren’t stupid enough to do it through conventional warfare. They would get their arse kicked. They will plan attacks on soft American targets around the world. Once that starts happening, the war on terror is back on the front page and the Republicans can say ‘Do you trust the Democrats to protect you America? You need us to save you now more than ever.’ Are the American people dumb enough to fall for that? Yes. Lots of them are. Enough, I am guessing, to get the Republicans back into office. And that is why I think Iran is going to get got in the near future.

What’s your country famous for?

As a country you want to think carefully before you let something have your nations name attached to it. I don’t think the Swiss regret the Swiss army knife. Small, efficient. You cant hide Nazi gold in one but apart from that it’s very Swiss. And the Mexicans can’t be unhappy with the Mexican Wave. It’s a crowd pleaser that gets whole stadiums and hundreds of thousands of TV viewers thinking of Mexico. Belgium got a raw deal when they got stuck with the Belgium biscuit. At least the Afghan biscuit is bigger, made of chocolate and has a walnut in the middle. But is it named after Afghanistan or the Afghan hound. That would make more sense because an Afghan does look a lot like the poo that comes out of an Afghan hound.
This isn’t something you hear very often, but I feel a bit sorry for the French. After all the culinary delights and fine wine they are famous for they got a sliced up deep fried potato named after them. True there is also French kissing and the French letter, but the French Fry must really rip their undies. Cuba got the cigar, but when it comes to national branding you can truly be proud of on the world stage you couldn’t be happier than the South American country famous for it’s beaches, bikinis and mardi gras. Can you imagine a woman saying ‘I’m going to get my eye brows done and while I’m there I might get a South Korean. No, I don’t think so. Brazil can be very happy with their global legacy.

Hotel Security in Cairo.

I hate Cairo. If someone ever invents a giant steamcleaning unit that a city council could hire to come in and steam clean their city, and if that steam cleaning company decided to make a tv ad to promnote their service and if the ad agency suggested a tv concept that invovled a dirty dusty city thaqt needed a clean and a shiny sparking city that had just been steam cleaned the they could use Cairo as the before. But that said, they do have good hotel security. The x-ray machines and guards at the hotels make people feel more secure in these terrorist conscious times and the hotels love them. As well as bombs guns and box cutters coming, in the machines have also been set to detect hotel robes, towels and cutlery going out. Reducing theft by a whopping 28%. Another plus in the war on terror.

If the giant city steamcleaning unit got invented the owner probably wouldnt bother adveritisng in tv. I'd suggest DM to all the big citys. Maybe clean one for free. Or a bit. Go into Sydney and clean the opera house just to show what you can do.Or go into Amsterdam and clean up the redlight district. Well that's what you tell the wrld you are going to do and they think you mean get rid of all the hookers but you just clean the buildingas and everyone goes 'Ohhh, I get it' and mayors all round the world think I should get my city cleaned. Maybe the steamcleaning company hire the Queen of England or the Pope to do viral email where they say something like'I visit alot of cities and I like the ones that arent stinky and dirty so clean up you act.' That would get cities taking notice. when they get cleaned they could put a little logo on the city that shows up on google earth. Maybe they could also do an ad with an astornaut on the space shuttle. Get him to film cities from space and show us how the dirty citys look realy shitty from up there. He could imply that if you have a dirty city aliens wont bother to visit you. When a city was about to host the olympics the steamcleaning compnay could send them a letter saying 'Wanna look good for your big event?' Beijing would probably have to have the ultra heavy duty package. Maybe the Ameircans could give Bagdad a steamclean when they pull out their troops a a way of saying 'Sorry we fucked you country even more'.
And if the steamcleaners do find themselves in Bagdad maybe they could pop over to Cairo and do that town casue it needs it......... did I just write that all out loud?

What were the Eskimos thinking?

So the accepted theory is that man was born in Africa, got to his feet, grabbed a few things and wandered off around the world. That would make the people who live at the bottom of South America the fittest most motivated people on the whole planet. They just kept going. Through the Middle East, which wasn’t as hot and shitty back then as it is now. Across Asia up through Russia. They must have been a bit worried when things started getting cold. But they boxed on. Over the land bridge down through Canada into America. By now things were getting warm again and you might think they would settle for a nice bit of land in Malibu. But no. On they went in Mexico and down through South America right to the pointy bit. In hindsight they probably realised that they should have stopped in Malibu but I bet you none of the men that made it ever admitted that to their wives. Anyway hats off for all the hard work. South America is a cool place even down the pointy end. What I don’t get are the Eskimos. These people are the descendents of the people who got to where everything was totally ice and said ‘Hey you guys go on. We’re gonna stay here.’ Now Mr future South American naturally would have assumed his Eskimo mate meant he was going to have a rest and go back the way they came till they found somewhere they could live. At this point even Siberia would have been an improvement. Maybe that is what the Eskimos bloke has in mind. But he sat down, his wife unpacked their stuff and somehow they never got round to leaving. Full respect to them for managing to survive all these years. Making a home out of ice, sleeping on ice, cutting holes in ice to get to fish. They are a very hardy people, but why would ya? Even if one of the Eskimo phycics told his people ‘Don’t worry in a few thousand years they will invent the snowmobile and it will be a bit easier to get around. Why would they have stayed? Surely at some point an Eskimos must have said to his Dad, ‘Hey Daddddddd ad (he is shivering) Is the whole world like this?’ His dad would say ‘Actually no son, this is just as far as your great great great great great great great great great geart great great grandma and Granddad could be bothered going.’ At which point you would think the young Eskimo would throw down his seal pup fat flavored ice slushy and say ‘Sod this. Which way did my great great great great great great great great great great great great great South American Granduncle go?’

Whats wrong with the shape of the Pear?

Who decided that pear shaped was a bad thing? 'Oh no, things have gone pear shaped'. What is so wrong with a shape of a pear? Is this a reference to a woman who is pear shaped and by that are we implying that a pear shaped woman is less than ideal? OR is this simply a dig at a fruit that is just quietly getting on with the job of being a fruit. As if the pear doesnt have enough to worry about. It damages more easily than an apple, doesnt have the bright shiny glow of an orange or the cooky shape of a banana. But what about the banana. Yellow and long and bent. It is like every banana you ever see is broken. Why dont we refer to things as having gone banana shaped? I'll tell you why. Becasue we like bananas better. Bananas are cooler. If you were a fruit in town for a night and your friend gave you the phone numbers of two fruit he knew, to take you out and show you a good time. A banana and a pear, you would probably phone the banana cause you would figure the banana would be way more up for it than the boring old pear. Boring yes but dependable? For sure. The pear is the kind of fruit your grandma reached for for when she was baking.The pear was a classy fruit back in the day. Not now though. Kids like the interactiveness of bananas an oranges. They come in their own packaging. You rip it off and eat the yummy stuff inside. Apples wouldnt still be so cool if it wasnt for the Beatles and the computers. You can peel an apple but it is harder to peel a pear. Especially a soft pear and they go soft real quick. OK, so the pear is struggling to keep up in the modern age. But does running it down with terms like 'pear shaped' really help?

Dental Discrimination

If mankind is going to survive we all need to start getting along and thinking of ourselves as the same, regardless of religion, skin color, borders or number of fillings. The Swiss are big on teeth. Not only do they put tooth picks in Swiss Army Knives, they have loads of gold fillings stored away in their bank vaults. I hope for a day when we aren’t forced to seek dental care based on which country we come from.