Time off for bad behavior

Need a couple of weeks to work on my new book without the added pressure of keeping this little pot plant topped up.
Back around Jan 12th.

Toodle pip

It’s good to have someone to blame.

Got up this morning and discovered someone had spilt a bowl of cornflakes on the couch in the lounge. My daughter, who was in the room watching TV said she suspected it had been carried out by al-Qaeda. I had to admit that it did have all the tell tale signs of a how I imagine al-Qaeda would attack my couch with milk. When the missus got up she didn't share our convictions about the identity of perpetrators but by then we had already made a statement to the media so it was too late.

Pool Bars – Another reason it is hard being a parent.

It’s hard being a parent. Kids ask you questions and you are expected to know the answer. For example when we went to the Coliseum in Rome, Frankie wanted to know why it had holes in it. I couldn’t be bothered explaining that during the Middle Ages poor people had chipped holes in the stone to get at the copper that the Romans had used to lock the blocks together. So the missus told her it was made of cheese and a giant mouse had eaten some of it. She loved that answer a lot more than the ‘searching for copper’ story would have gone down and it was also fricken hilarious listening to her explain the giant mouse situation to a group of American tourists. But sometimes it’s more complicated. Like when we were at the pool bar at a hotel. I had to tell Frankie not to splash, because the drunken English guy beside us was trying to smoke. She didn’t understand that at all. We were in a pool. If you cant splash in a pool, where can you splash? She had a point and I didn’t have a good argument. All I could do by way of defense of what is one of man’s greatest inventions, was to point out that this was one bar where you didn’t have to bother leaving to go to the toilet. Mind you, I have been in a few normal bars where that happens.

Naivety. The birth of christ.

M – You took your time. Lets get up to the room I’m knackered.

J – Well, there’s a bit of a problem.

M – Problem? What do you mean problem? It’s late, and my bum is sore. This saddle you made is rubbish. What do you mean problem?

J – The Inn is full.

M – Full! Really. Well I wonder if that has anything to do with the fact there is a fricken census on and everyone has returned home to this poxy little town. ‘Book a room’ I said. ‘The place will be full’ I said. But Oh no not you. Not Mr ‘Hey it’s my hometown they’ll have a special room set aside for me’. So what are we supposed to do now? Turn round and ride home?

J – Well no. They can fit us in. They said we could stay in the manger.

M – Manger? What’s a effin manger?

J – Over there.

M – You’ve got to be joking. That! It’s a fricken stable! Do they call it a manger so they cant rent it out to suckers like you.

J – They said we could have it for free.

M – Free! Oh really! How bloody gracious of them. They are letting the PREGNANT WOMAN! STAY IN THEIR STABLE FOR FREE!!!!!! THANYOU VERY BLOODY MUCH.

J- Mary quiet. Someone will hear you.

M – Who Joseph? Who will hear me? Everyone else got here hours ago. You know why? Because they came on horses. Not stupid little Donkeys. And now they are all tucked up safely asleep in their rooms. Which they booked months IN ADVANCE! Oh shit!

J – What is it? What’s wrong Mary?

M – My waters just broke.

J – On the saddle? I was going to sell that when we got home.

M – What did you say?

J – Nothing. How about we get you into the stab… the manger, and get you comfortable.

M - What are you doing with that hay? You expect me to lie on a bed of hay like a pregnant cow?

J - This? I was going to feed the donkey. He’s come along way.

M – The donkey! You were going to feed the donkey!

J – He cost a lot of money. I have to take him back to the rental company in the condition we got him.

M – You are unbelievable. What kind of carpenter doesn’t even own his own bloody Donkey anyway. I’ll tell you what kind. A bloody useless one.
You know this kid isn’t even yours don’t you?

J – Mary, please. Calm down. You’re just tired and emotional.

M – Emotional eh. Well you would you be too if you were having the SON OF GOD!

J – Mary. Please, be quiet. People will hear you.

M – Well I don’t care. I don’t care if everyone knows that I AM HEAVY WITH THE SON OF GOD. And let me tell you something Joseph, when the messiah arrives things are going to change for me. No more riding around on rented donkeys for a start. What do you have to say to that eh?

J – Well I guess the planet could do with a new messiah. I just wish you had told me earlier.

M – Why? So you would have had time to dump me? Immaculate conception freak you out eh builder boy? Can’t handle the idea of havin your missus womb used for God’s work?

J – No. It’s just that I bet the owner of the Inn would have given us a proper room if he’d known. Now lets get you inside eh, here come those three blokes on camels. I’m, sure they’ve been following us.