The evolution of the Nigerian email scams

Times are tough for the Nigerian email fraud industry. Hit rates are down as the world gets wise to there little games. I hear the Xmas parties at Nigerians biggest email fraud companies were a little less flashy last year. Gone were the gold leaf painted dancing elephants. The swimming pool of jelly that the children could dive into and grab Bratz dolls and Teenage mutant ninja turtles. With business drying up they have had to come up with new ways to trick greedy westerners into parting with their cash. The email I got last night must be the result of one of the company’s late night brain storming sessions.
For a start the email came from Mike Ego. I’m guessing the Nigerian research shows this is the perfect western name. The subject was ‘I am very Happy’
Now you tell me what western guy or gal wouldn’t open an email with the title ‘I am very happy’ especially when it comes from a guy called Mike Ego. If you met a guy called Mike Ego you would remember. SO, it stands to reason that if you cant recall a guy called Mike Ego that is because you were pissed when you met him. And that means you were having a great time. So Mike is therefore, by association, a great guy.
So far so good and Billy Boowimbewewa or whoever came up this strategy is to be congratulated.
When you get into the email it mentions money and a partner in Hong Kong. Nothing at all about dodgy old Nigeria. Hong Kong. That is full of hard working Asians. They’re too busy making money to waste time scamming westerners right? That’s Billy Boo’s theory. Up till this point Billy is looking at Nigerian Email fraudster of the year at the Nigerian Email fraud Awards or the NEFA’s but then you read the person you have to contact. Jhon Uba. I think they meant John. Honest typo happens all the time. But UBA? I smell a Nigerian. And that is why Billy will probably be busted back down to the mailroom. And I don’t mean email I mean dirty old snail mail. Tough break kid. You almost had me.
It is back to the drawing board for the scamsters in Nigeria and I cant wait to see what they come up with. I got an email about the NEFA’s and I sent my money to book my airfares, ticket to the ceremony and hotel. Apparently there was a mix up with the booking and I over paid but a nice Mr Woolawoo contacted me and said he will sort everything for me. All I had to do was send him a fax with my bank account details and my signature so he can refund the money for me. Those Nigerians are always so eager to help.

Dear friend,
I am very happy to inform you about my success in getting those funds
transferred under the cooperation of a new partner from Hong Kong.
Now, I want you to contact my secretary on the information below NAME;
Mr JHON UBA EMAIL; johnuba01@yahoo.se

Ask him to send you the total sum of $1,500,000.00 in cashier cheque
which i kept for your compensation. contact my secetary immediately and he will send the amount to you without delay. let me know immediately you receieve it si that we can share joy after all the suffering at that time.

Regards.
Mr MIKE EGO

Stiller and Segal.

Why do Ben Stiller and Steven Segal play the same roles in every movie they do? Wouldn’t that get a little boring? I thought actors become actors to play different roles.

I’m gonna write a movie about an ex Special Forces commando who has retired to enjoy the quiet life. He is a gentle giant and acts like he wouldn’t hurt a fly but isn’t afraid to walk into a bar full of good old boys playing pool and tell them to stop hassling the drunken kid with the limp and the stutter.
When the peace and quiet of the town is threatened by the baddie with the big house on the hill who has lots of armed men who drive round in pick ups, the ex commando has to take action. This action involves teaming up with the local Dentist. A young nerdy but strangely endearing big city boy who moved to the town to find Miss right and turns out to be as awkward with an M16 as he is with the ladies. After spending the whole movie following the commando around complaining about how he should be doing root canals rather than blowing up old gold mines that are full of stolen missiles that are going to be sold to terrorists, he actually has to dig deep within himself, shoot a baddie and save the commando and in doing so he and the audience realise he can be a tough guy. He also ends up scoring the town hot chick that was shacked up with the town baddie.

So after I write this movie I am gonna send it to Steven and Ben’s ‘people’. I’ll probably call it ‘Under Siege and under anesthetic’.
The trailer will probably go something like this….
“One man had spent his life staring into the jaws of death. The other just stares at jaws. These unlikely misfits must team up to save and town and in the process discover that friendship can spring from the most unlikely places.
Introducing this years hottest action duo……….”

I bet ya Segal and Stiller jump at this movie. And if they don’t I reckon I can make it by editing scenes from all their other movies anyway.

Whatever happened to the man from Atlantis?

There have been a ton of retro show re runs over the years, but I don’t ever recall seeing The Man From Atlanis. That was a cool show. Must have pissed him off that because of his webbed hands he could never wear gloves. Remember the episode where the Man from Atlantis was lying back in a lounger reading a magazine on the bottom of a pool? Genius. Straight after the show I went and chucked mums big metal framed lime plastic banana lounger in our pool, sunk it to the bottom and weighed myself in place with a couple of rocks. The old man hit the roof when he found out because the lounger scrapped the plaster and when I tried to read mums Woman’s Weekly it just fell to pieces and clogged the filter. Disaster.
Speaking of retro shows, remember episodes where characters from another show would make guest apperances? Mork from Mork and Mindy on Happy Days. That was weird. The sci fi thing was popular because the Flinstones and the Jetsons visited each other as well.
Speaking of the Flinstones. Do you think Fred could kick Hommer Simpsons arse? Easy I reckon. Plus he’d have Barney to back him up. Who would Hommer have? Ned? Maybe with Mo he would stand a chance but that Barney looks like a nuggety little dude. And hung like a stallion if the smile on Betty’s face was ever anything to go on. Starsky and Hutch meeting Bo and Luke Duke. That would have been a cool episode. If they had a fight I reckon Starsky and Hutch would kick the Dukes good old boy arses. Starsky and Hutch were from the mean streets, Bo and Luke were pussies. But there would never have been any problems. The cops from the big city would have played it really cool with the two cousins because they would have been too busy trying to get into Daisy Dukes pants. Not that there was a lot to get into eh.

Turkmenistan. Name change or sex change.

I had never really given a thought to Turkmenistan until last weekend when I met a guy form there. Then today in the paper I see the Prime Minister of Turkmenistan is in town on a visit. I see the signs, I get the hint. The universe is telling me ‘Peter, draw attention to the plight of the poor population of Turkmenistan. So here it is. I feel sorry for Turkmenistan. It reminds me of Alexis Arquette the not as famous sibling of Patrica, Rosanna and David. Did you even know that Patrica, Rosanna and David had another brother? Well they do and he’s a transvestite. And that’s the link with Turkmenistan. When you are surrounded by bigger more famous relations than you it is hard to stand out. There are just so many stans in the region. Afghanistan and Pakistan hog all the limelight. But Borat recently put Kazakhstan on the map and it just makes me feel sorry for the people of Turkmenistan. Even the front of their name is already being used by someone else. Apparently stan means state, but if I were the Prime Minister of Turkmenistan I would make some drastic changes.

Maybe not as drastic as Alexis. It is hard for a country to have a sex change. It would be really expensive and everyone at the United Nations would laugh and say mean things about them. And no one would want to sit next to Turkmenistan in the general assembly. Anyway, it didn’t out that well for Alexis. The most famous member of the Arquette family is probably David and that’s because he married Courtney Cox from Friends. A country like Turkmenistan probably doesn’t have the cash or the flash to marry a cast member of Friends, so perhaps the simplest solution is a name change. Cut that little thing right off and toss it away. (Which might be what Alexis did too.) Remove the stan. While they are at it they might want to loose the Turk bit as well. That aint working. Keep men, so there is a connection to the old name, but add woman to give it equality. Men and woman? Ok, it needs a bit of work, but that’s why you pay flash London branding agency loads of money. They’ll come up with a cool name and a logo. Then the hard work begins. Some poor sod will have to go around and write the new name on all the Turkmenistan souvenir tea towels, fridge magnets and oven mitts that are on sale at the airport. That is the main reason countries seldom do the name change thing. But in the case of Turkmenistan I think it is worth it.