The Surge report that has congress in a spin.

General Patraeus testified to a congressional committee last week on the progress in Iraq. Some of the committee members thought it was a bit odd that the general started his presentation by handing out free sunglasses but everyone agreed the lovely rose tinted lens made for comfortable wearing. And things only got better. The generals general message to the crowd was that the Surge has worked its tits off. Violence is down, Iraqs armed forces are improving, Baghdad is more peaceful. In short, it is all good ladies and gentlemen. With the update on Iraq over so quick but the audience still enjoying their sun glasses General Patraeus went on to update them on some other big events. He reported that Global Warming is over and the planet is starting to cool down again. Britney Spears comeback performance at the MTV music awards was a huge sucsess and very well received by the audience. Burt Reynolds has decided to stop doing crap movies simply for the money. And Posh Spice has been a hug hit in America. Yes folks, it was a 5 star effort from a 4 star general.

My Italian design disaster.

Some clever Italian design guy realized that the shape of Italy would make a very handy bottle opener. Brilliant! But you would expect a cool design idea like that, from a country that prides itself on great design. What was even better about this was it also doubled as a fridge magnet. Now the fridge is where my beer lives and the opener is for the beer so having the two living as neighbors is brilliant. It saves me the walk across the kitchen to the draw with the unmagnetised bottle openers.
Just one problem. The hole that you put over the bottle cap is slightly too small. So rather than whipping the top off in one quick often practiced manner it take three or four attempts to loosen the little sucker.
How hard is it to make a bottle opener that works? Bottle caps aren’t like railway tracks or power points. They don’t have different gauges and types around the world. I know. I have opened beer across this lovely planets and I have never seen a bottle top come in anything other than the standard international agreed bottle top size. That’s why they sell so many souvenir bottle openers in airports. Because the souvenir people know it is a gift that can be used anywhere. Am I to believe that the Italian bottle opener fridge magnet design team didn’t bother to test their creation? What about the launch party? Didn’t anyone think to serve beer? Was it just wine? My grandad told me the Italians had lots of experience drinking beer. Every time they changed sides in the war they celebrated by opening a few bottles.
How can a bottle opener designer hope to have any credibility if he doesn’t open a fricken bottle of beer at least once. It would be like a group of Jehovah Witnesses starting up a business making Birthday cards.
I have been devastated by the performance of my Italian opener. Quite frankly it has left a bad taste in my mouth, although that could be the case of Sri Lankan beer I have had to work my way through this week. I don’t really rate Sri Lankan beer, but their country would make a nice ergonomically shaped bottle opener. Italy’s fuck up could be Sri Lanka’s gain.

Rugby World Cup 2007. Packing down with the future.

The world’s third most popular sporting event has rolled round again and the pressure is on for the famous All Blacks to bring home the silverware. They are without a doubt the best rugby team in the world between world cups. We just need to get thew timing right.
Being a tiny little island at the bottom of the world we place great importance on anything that gets us attention. The Americas Cup and Hobbits have worked for us from time to time, but rugby has been our main source of pride. Things got off to a good start with our game against Italy. I was surprised the Italians didn’t try to swap sides and come out with the All Blacks at half time. But it wasn’t really the work out the men in black need and I worry that they aren’t really going to get a decent run in their pool matches. We play Portugal next and they aren’t even putting their top team on the field. I wonder if they have Port in their sipper bottles? They’ll need it. If we have to play Portugal B I reckon the AB’s should only field players who have a letter B in their first name. Or perhaps give the Portuguese a head start. Maybe 10 minutes on the field by themselves at the start of each half.
Good to see the Japanese back for another hiding but at least they are starting to field a team of biggish looking blokes. Speaking of the Japanese there is a story going round that last week in New Zealand they found a Japanese player left over from the 87 world cup squad. He had been stuck in a very isolated part of New Zealand near Hamilton and thought the tournament was still going on. I reckon the Japanese should give up hiring old All Blacks as coaches and get their top scientists to build a team of rugby playing robots with laser beam eyes and electro magnets they switch on for a real solid bind in the scrum and hydraulic springs in the forwards legs for the lineout and built in cameras that play footage back to the ref so he doesn’t have to go upstairs, and boots that are welded on so there are no delays in play with boots coming off or undone laces
That would be cool team and I imagine its fans would be a healthy mix of anti sport computer nerds and rugby heads. And at the end of the day is rugby all about bringing people together? That’s why its called union.