Here are a few of me etchings from my latest book Badly Drawn Planet. This book would make the perfect Christmas gift for anyone on the planet ... except me cause I got a free one from the lovely people at Summersdale.
I got this email the other day. In fact it came to me twice and I’m excited. I have blogged before about the dire state of the Nigerian Email scam business. Their need to change, evolve with the market. Stop banging out the same old stories. That’s why this one was a breath of fresh air.
From: Captain J. M. K.
Efax:- +1-773-337-9207
Satellite Phone:- +88-216-210-156-56
Mobile:- +966-595-178-607
Private Email:- captainjmk@gmail.com
Dear Sir:
My name is Captain J. M. K. of the USS Cole (DDG 67), during one of our expedition, some pirates were intercepted on the High sea about 30 miles from the coast of Yemen by my team and some huge of money were recovered from them.
This money has been shared among some of us who are privy to the information and I really want to move my own share to safe custody and also for any viable investment.
Nothing much is requested from you except TRUST and MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING, as I am ready and willing to transfer my own share of this money to you for safe keeping and further disbursement while you will be given some percentage for your effort.
If you agree to assist me in this transaction, do let me know so that I can give you more information.
I will really be expecting your urgent response.
Regards
Captain J.M. K.
This email marks a huge step forward for those scamming pricks. It has pirates, the US Navy, a sexy enigmatic main character in Captain J.M.K, and it’s based on a topical event. You can’t make this shit up … well, ok , you can, but I’m hooked. Really. I feel like responding and then sending them the money they will no doubt need to free up the funds, just to reward them for their extra efforts. Ok, so the English is still a bit ropey. I imagine that the captain of a guided missile destroyer has a better grasp of the written word, but then again, knowing the dire state of America’s education system, maybe not. And fuck it, the gullible bastards that fall for this stuff wont notice anyway. Good on you Nigeria email scammers. Good to see you responding to the tough economic times.
Been thinking about guns a bit lately. This week, Mikhail Kalashnikov the inventor of the AK47 turned 90. If I had a choice between being the guy who invented the AK47 and the guy who invented Velcro, I would pick the AK47. I hope someone made him a cake shaped like an AK47 with 90 little candles that look like bullets. Actually, I bet he got that when he turned 47. That would have been funnier. Speaking of guns, I had a shooting weekend in Lebanon. Brilliant fun. Car loads of unshaven men roaring into the Beqaa valley with trunks full of guns. The humble Matwa was the target. Bigger than a sparrow, smaller than a pigeon. Fast little buggers and they have a habit of flying low. Hundreds of men standing in fields, blasting away. What could possibly go wrong? A few things as it happened. The count at the end of the weekend was 1 dead and 9 injured. And I’m not talking about the Matwa. As a result the Lebanese government has banned the sport. It was already illegal but none of the soldiers or police at the numerous checkpoints on the way into the valley seemed to care that we were all off for a few hours of bang bang. It will be a different story from now on they reckon so I’m glad I got in there last weekend.
The new shiny Nobel prize is sitting on his desk. Now, could his minders be positioning him for an even more celestial award?
I dont know who Yondette Larsen is but I love her cause she loves me book.
http://www.satellite.ac.nz/articles/reviews/2009/09/book-review-printmen/
Media Week ME Aug 9
NASA recently celebrated the 40th anniversary of man landing on the moon. It was meant to be a monkey on the moon, because NASA originally sent primates into space, but the scientists freaked out after watching Planet of the Apes and decided to go with humans. When I think of the moon landing I see the classic example of the client trying to save some money by cutting out their agency and film company, and doing the job themselves. The footage of Neil Armstrong is amateur to say the least. Bad lighting, only one camera angle. Conspiracy theorists will tell you the moon landing was shot in a studio. No way. If it had, it would have looked much better. I bet NASA regretted not forking out for a film crew and someone from their ad agency to go along on Apollo 11. And what about the talent. Neil Armstrong only had two lines and he still stuffed it up. ‘That’s one small step for man’ was supposed to be ‘That’s one small step for A man.’ NASA should have spent the extra money on hiring a professional actor, instead of roping in one of their staff. Look at Tom Hanks. He went into space and had heaps of lines and he nailed it. Apparently the modern fridge has more computing power than Apollo 11 did, and that got me thinking. Why don’t we send fridges into space instead of men? Think about it. If a fridge from earth, landed on another planet that contained life forms, what kind of impression would that make? Obviously they’d deduce that we are so busy and have so much cool stuff happening on our little green rock, that we don’t have time to fly around looking for aliens. This is automatically going to make us a must visit destination and we need an edge people. In case you didn’t know, the universe in infinite, so there are a lot of planets in lots of galaxies competing for that visiting space alien market. A fridge full of yummy food is a classy way to say hi. When one lands on the planet of the aliens who are responsible for all the anal probes, I imagine they’re going to feel pretty embarrassed. The only downside to our gastronomic gidday is that we’ll have to be careful with the expiry dates. It would be a shame for our first contact with an advanced race to be when their lawyers issue legal proceeding for food poising. When it comes to deciding what food to send, we can get those rich food companies to pay for the privilege. This would help fund the space program, rather than the poor old American taxpayer, and that way they their tax dollars can be put towards invading more countries. Imagine the publicity spin offs for a food manufacturer when they get a quote from an alien who has just arrived here that goes something like ‘ I traveled 45 light years for the cool refreshing taste of Nescafe Iced Coffee. I propose we send a selection of the planet’s greatest perishables, designed to titillate the taste buds and impress potential new visitors. We should definitely send ‘I cant believe it’s not butter’ and some real butter, so they wont be able to believe it for themselves. The space shuttle had a faulty O-ring, but I’ve never had a bad onion ring, so we should send some of those and a decent selection of low fat items would be advisable as well. Think about it. You never see chubby aliens. Those grays with the big eyes look like they watch their weight. Sending fridges into space would be a lot cheaper than rockets. You don’t even need one of the fancy ones with the built in ice dispenser, because there’s plenty of ice in space. The path to the final frontier starts in the kitchen. Forget ‘We come in peace.’ Lets go with peas and frozen carrots.
If you only buy 83 books this year, make sure Printmen is one of them. If you liked my stickmen books as much as my mum did, you will love this. Unless you hate fingerprints made into little people say stupid stuff, in which case you will hate this book.
HERES WHAT THE EXPERTS ARE SAYING ABOUT THE BOOK THAT HAS THE WHOLE WORLD TALKING*
‘If the guys from Weta can work out how to animate this, I’ll make the movie.’
P Jackson
‘Get out of my hotel room or I’ll call the police!’ J K Rowlings
‘Jesus. They made a book out of that?’ the Pope
‘How did you get this number?’ Barack Obama
‘How did you get this number?’ Osama Bin Laden
‘I have no fingerprints. They were burned off in a fight on a planet of lava with Obi Wan Kenobi.‘ Darth Vader
*for the purposes of this post 'the whole world' is defined as my immediate family.
Mr Potato head is 60 years old. That he has out lived his arch nemesis Doctor Atkins must make him feel pretty good. Bet he laughs about that at night while he sits on his couch in his Darth Vader costume watching Toy Story 1 & 2 on DVD over and over again.
(article I just wrote for MEdia Week ME)
Yet another survey has come out proclaiming that when it comes to trustworthiness, ad men rank way down on the list. Lawyers are down there with us, and my mum, who has one of each, forced our sister to become a social worker to try and offset some of the bad karma. You know who should be dwelling in the cellar with us? Dentists. First plaque, then tartar, then they discovered you have to clean your tongue. Your tongue? People actually fell for that. I bet, in their defense, dentist’s say it was the evil ad men that put them up to it. Quite possible I’m afraid. But it would have been the strategists.
Anyhow, in the Vegas household right now we’re introducing our 6-year-old daughter to the twice-daily rigors of, round in circles, round in circles, up and down. But what I really feel like saying to her is, ‘Listen honey, don’t stress about it, you’re gonna lose them all anyway. They’re baby teeth. Save your effort for the next set.’
The other pearly white lie that comes into play when you have a kid is the tooth fairy. That winged angel of deceit. As if parents aren’t being extorted for enough cash these days, for the 55 million versions of Brat Dolls or My Favorite Ponies, we have to stump up money for every tooth the little one loses. How about instead of cash, we leave our kids a coupon under the pillow instead - $2 off the $10,000 mummy and daddy will have to have to fork out to get your second lot of teeth straightened. It’s only a matter of time before kids work out that a solitary coin per tooth just aint gonna cut. They’ll start holding out for more and once one parent gives in, all the rest of the kids in the class are going to start putting pressure on their parents. With this in mind, I have plans to set up a service to help remove the growing financial threat of the tooth fairy. For a small fee you’ll be able to buy my kit to use the night your child puts out their first tooth for collection. In the morning, little Tommy is the first witness at the scene of a tragic accident. It will appear that the tooth fairy, in her eagerness to get away with her haul, mistook the ultra clean glass for an open window. But it wasn’t the crash that killed her. Or the fall to the bedroom floor. It was when she impaled herself on little Tommy’s tooth. In an effort to keep costs down, the model won’t be super realistic. I am counting on the fact that little Tommy will be so traumatized, that he wont want to get to close to the crash site. But just to be on the safe side, parents are advised to dispose of the evidence quickly. Explain to your little Tommy, that in the unlikely event of an accident, the Tooth Fairy had asked to be buried the same way as the goldfish, and then race for the bathroom. Like Santa, there is only one tooth fairy. So the beauty of product is that only one parent in each class or neighborhood, has to do the deed. Once Tommy spreads the word about the demise of the tooth fairy to his little mates, none of them will expect to see her at their place. Although we’ve had trouble with trying to create a fake blood that matches the viscosity of fairy blood, I expect to have ‘Fairy Fatality’ ready for launch in a few months. Got a problem with your kids eating too much chocolate at Easter? I’m also researching ideas for simple mishaps that could befall basket-carrying bunnies.
I would be a shaver. No question about it. Can you think of any other electrical appliance that has its own exclusive power point?
When a shaver checks into a motel or hotel with its electrical appliance mates, it must get such an ego boost when it says, 'Ok electric carving knife, phone battery recharger, ipod speakers and lap top, you guys hang out here. If you need me I will be in the bathroom plugged into the power point that says 'SHAVERS ONLY'. Being that special would make anyones circuit boards tingle.
I don’t want to speak ill of the dead but he isn’t really dead is he. Like Elvis, MJ will live on in the collective memories of loyal groupies forever. Guys like him don’t go to heaven I reckon. They head to a special celestial PR firm. The fact he was a kiddy fiddler seemed to be counter balanced by his catchy pop songs. Maybe people would like OJ Simpson more if he had had a few radio hits. There is no doubt that Jackson was a tragic figure, too many people made too much money off the guy and that ultimately ended in his death. 50 gigs in London. What a joke. For me the thing that will always stand out is the fact he had paid someone to have a miniature version of his bum attached to his chin. I wonder if all the plastic bits get unbolted once he gets to the other side. Goodbye Michael. May you rest in pieces.
(aritcle I just wrote for Media Week ME)
Communism may have failed, but the merchandise lives on. I just got back from Hong Kong and that place is awash with Chairman Mao watches, alarm clocks, little red book lighters and t-shirts galore. It was the anniversary of Tiananmen Square and the Chinese press wasn’t allowed to refer to it as a massacre, but yet it seems ok to turn their great leader into a novelty item. The wristwatches with Mao’s arm vibrating like he had Parkinsons disease, cracked me up. There obviously isn’t an office of the brand of Mao that approves these things.
Che Guevara is the ultimate commie pin up boy. I like a nice Che T shirt as much as the next bloke, but I draw the line at the pair of jeans I saw at Dubai Mall, featuring Che, spray painted in silver on the rear pockets. WTF?
There are more ex US presidents alive than at any time in history, but where’s their merchandise? I wonder if any of them feel a little bit bitter about the fact that although they helped win the battle of good versus evil, they never made it onto watches and lighters like their red counterparts. It’s not like there aren’t some good opportunities available. How about a Bill Clinton watch with little cigars for the hands. George W could do a deal with the makers of those units fro drying fruit. They could launch a big industrial sized one called George W Bush’s Weapon of Mass Desiccation.
Speaking of launches, seeing as how Gulf War 1 was basically a really big PR event for the launch of the Hummer, why didn’t they do a George Bush Senior model – ‘The Bush Hummer. It will go anywhere except Baghdad.’
Saddam Hussein missed out on a greatest commercial opportunity after the 1st Gulf War. His line ‘The mother of all battles’ was a classic that’s been adapted all over the planet. Bet he wished he’d copyrighted that beauty. George W tried to launch his own catch phrase in GW2, but ‘Mission Accomplished’ came back to bite him in the bum. It seems that the truly memorable leaders have loads of merchandise. In a million years, when alien anthropologists are sifting through the charred remains of the wasteland that was once earth, they will sort through the watches, t shirts, coffee cups and key rings in an effort to work out who was once the most powerful and revered leader on this rock. Based on the sheer volume, I think they’ll conclude it was Mickey Mouse. And that’s kind of interesting because when you think about it he has a lot in common, with Americas Presidents. A well recognized face of a large organization who is ultimately just a figurehead with no real power.
(an article I just wrote for Media Week ME)
I took the little one to see the aquarium at the Dubai Mall the other day. The tank is impressive. I wonder how long it will be before an enterprising young creative team ask if they can stick an underwater billboard in there for a sporting goods store or water safety or waterproof cameras, blah, blah, blah.
Frankly, I thought the charge for walking though the tunnel was a rip off. The free view from outside was better. But the underwater zoo upstairs was cool. Notice how you always see the same collection of animals at a zoo. But at aquariums, there are always a few underwater freaks you’ve never seen in your life. You come out with the impression that the sea is full of teeth. Some small, some big, nearly all of them nasty. But on this trip I realized that the most dangerous sea creatures at the aquarium don’t even live in tanks. They have voracious appetites and they only feed on one thing. You and I. The Scientific name for this deadly family is – Giftsandsouvenirs. But there are a wide variety of sub species. Cuddly Dolphin, Bendy Crab key ring, Squeezey Bath Turtle. I fell victim to a nasty little glow in the dark crayfish necklace.
These dangerous creatures of the deep hunt in packs and they choose their feeding ground smartly. Rather than chase their victims, they lie in wait near the exit, and let you come to them.
A parent’s first instinct, upon realizing they’ve stumbled into a Giftsandsouvenir feeding ground, is to run. But these cunning creatures are too smart for that. They arrange themselves in bins, racks and shelves, forming an intricate maze that makes it impossible to get out without going past the final kill zone. The cash register. The whole time, the desperate cries of your child are ringing in your ears. You know that to ignore them will only trigger louder ones, so you give in and that turns the cries into squeals of delight. Annoyingly, these squeals tend to die out fast. Often before the end of the car trip home. It seems the potency of a stuffed sea creature, is related to its proximity to the Aquarium gift shop. But the sting in your wallet can last for days and that is evil genius of the oceans most lethal creatures. 
Article I just wrote for ME Media Week about the perils of Power Point.
We talk a lot these days about the need for brands to make an emotional connection with consumers, but what about making an emotional connection with clients? In new business presentations in particular, it seems that rather than engaging the client eye to eye, technology has made it all to easy for us to swivel towards the big screen and leave it to Power Point.
Once upon a time there was the humble pie chart and the simple but effective bar graph. They used to appear together on overhead projectors and pretty much had the place to themselves. But then in the 80’s they got married and proceeded to create a family of Brad and Angelina sized proportions. Pie Chart and Bar Graph’s kids have fancy names like Brand Matrix, Brand Onion, and Insight Pyramid.
The big problem with Power Point is it gives someone who wouldn’t normally be able to address a large group of people, the power to do just that. In the wrong hands too much Power Point can be a dangerous weapon, turning a boardroom into a bored room faster than you can say ‘pass me the laser pointer’.
For an agency pitching for new business, the temptation to overdo the Power Point presentation is driven by the urge to demonstrate to the client that they understand their business and have put a lot of time and thinking into the meeting.
A smart client shouldn’t fall for quantity over quality. If I was a client, I’d force the agency to restrict it’s strategic presentation to a handful of slides, forcing them to distill their thinking down to its very essence.
Next time you’re planning a presso, consider going Jedi. Remember the scene in Star Wars when Obi Wan is teaching Luke to use his light saber and he makes him put on a blindfold and ‘use the force’? Now I’m not suggesting you blind fold the clients (although that could be interesting). I mean, switch off the Power Point, turn away from the big screen and tap into your own creative force.
It doesn’t have to be all talk. Look for a more interesting way to show the client you understand the fundamentals of their business. There’s a great story about the Saatchi brothers pitching for British Rail back in the day. The client arrived at the agency for the presentation, only to be told that the team wasn’t ready yet and to have a seat. The client waited in reception. Patiently at first, but after repeatedly being told the meeting would start soon, they stormed back to the lift in a huff. Waiting to greet them on the ground floor were the Saatchi brothers who said, ‘Now you know exactly how thousands of your customers feel each day.’ Then they invited the surprised client back upstairs for the meeting.
If you can come up with an entertaining and relevant way to make your point, why wouldn’t you do it? Creative thinking is what clients come to their ad agency for and that doesn’t have to start with the work. So unplug that Power Point. Your presentation wont be the only thing that benefits. Ever noticed how 90% of presentations start with you all sitting around making uncomfortable small talk, while a nervous Indian guy tries to get the boardroom computer system working? I’m pretty sure that IT stands for ‘IT’s not working’. Maybe that’s technology’s way of telling us to go ahead and do IT ourselves.
The difference is only skin deep. Well, just above the skin actually. And there's a lesson there for all of us.
This is a t shirt my friend Paul Akiki and I have up for voting on Threadless at the moment. You can go vote for it by clicking on it if you want....
So my friends have started pole dancing classes. I thought they were joking but it turns out there really is such a thing. My first thought was that it is great that strippers can turn their skills into a job when the allure of the strip club fades. My four friends are all women. I don’t think many guys would sign up for pole dancing, but apparently it’s a hardcore workout. Actually, I kind of got that impression from the routines I have seen over the years. I’m not sure how my friends plan to use their new found skills, but I wonder if a pole dancer finds it hard to walk past a street sign without getting the urge to do a quick twirl. The woman doing the classes reckons they tried to get pole dancing into the Olympics. Fair enough, the equipment is already there and it would be a lot more audience friendly than pole vaulting.
You know who wins? The chickens. After all the bad PR they have put up with they must be chuffed that another animal is copping the bad press about passing lurgies onto the humans. Given the choice of swine flu or bird flu i would go for the avian strain. Just seems cleaner. Maybe if they have to do a public awareness campaign on swine flu they could use Porky Pig. People like him and he seems healthy. Or maybe Spiderpig form the SImpons movie. Or Babe the pig. People respond well to movie stars telling them what to do.
If you have a young child and a car you’ve done this.
They insist on you playing one of their crappy nursery rhyme or fairytale CD’s as you drive them to school or a friend's house. You drop them off and continue on your merry way, only to discover a few minutes later that you are still singing along.
Is it just me or is the David Bain trial goin on way to long? It's a bit like Twin Peaks. The 80's tv series that started off really good but by the end you were kind of over it and wished it would finish. I'm not even in NZ, I am following the trial over the interweb and I am bored. I know justice has to be done, but does it have to be so boring. And by boring i mean slow and tedious. I thought David Bain was jailed for his crimes regarding the wearing of cardigans. Turns out there was more to it, but come on justice system. Chop chop. Your trial is taking up valuable cm's on the internet that could be full of what Lindsay Lohan is up to.
Spotted this guy working outside Next Neon, one of Abu Dhabi premier sign makers. He was putting the finishing touches to an M, but my friend Nick pointed out it could also be an E or even a W if it wanted to. That made me reflect on just how versatile this humble letter M is. It’s the kind of letter we need during these tough economic times. Able to multi task, turn its hand to many … positions. Trust me folks. This is the kind of letter that is going to see us through the tough times and back into the sunshine. Letter M. I salute you.
In the ad game you often get tasked with coming up with names for products. Maybe that's why this fan caught my eye. It dominates the ceiling in one of Abu Dhabi's new trendy bars called the Yacht Club, where Lebanese ladies meet to see who has the biggest shiniest handbag.
It's a big fan. A really big fan. In one of those crap hollywood b grade horror films, this is the fan that would be going at the high school prom and the phyco would set the speed to 10 and there would be lots of fast cuts between the teenagers having fun on the dance floor and the fan shaking loose and then it would drop and there would a shot of a wall getting sprayed in blood as 30 kids were decapitated.
So what do name a company that makes really really big fans. Sometimes, the first idea that pops into your head is the right one.
Can you guess which of these coin operated rides was made before the credit crunch and which one was made after? I had this great theory that kids wouldn’t want to ride Mr grumpy and instead, would be drawn to Mr happy car, but after observing the rides for half an hour I discovered kids don’t give a toss.
Top performance by Cold Play in the grounds of the 7 star Emirates Palace last night. Dug the surreal lightening display that went on throughout the gig. Guess it was Gods way of saying, ‘Stuff Earth Hour I don’t turn my lights off for no one.’ Unfortunately with the lightening came rain. I don’t mind rain at an outdoor gig especially in the Middle East because it’s warm rain. It’s warm like the water the hairdresser uses to wash your hair. You know how they hold the little nozzle under their hand till the temp is just perfect and then they start washing? In the Middle East the rain god does the same thing before he dumps a deluge on you. Millions of little drops of urine temperature water plopping down on you. Back in the 90’s at the one-day cricket at Eden Park, before they banned booze sales in the second innings, you did used to feel the same thing, except it was drops of urine falling out of the sky. Well, out of the cups of the guy’s 12 rows back.
No, I don’t mind rain but some people do. They mind it so much in fact that they would rather wear rubbish bags than get wet. Who started that retarded trend? Which genius decided to cut holes for arms and head and throw on a plastic bag? Probably a pissed guy who was trying to dress up as a homeless guy for a joke. But it caught on! Do concert goers read the weather report and think ‘Might be chance of rain. Better put a giant rubbish bag in my pocket? The Cold Play concert was carbon neutral apparently. I guess the thousands of rubbish bags on their way to the landfill today don’t count.
Great gig from a top band but the sound seemed a bit crap for a while. There was this staticky hiss in the air. Then I realized it was the sound of hundreds of rubbish bag wearing plonkers rustling in time to the songs.
Cedars of Lebanon is a track on the new U2 album. Bloody brilliant album by the way. This track means Lebanon joins NZ as the second country to have a tree related song written about it by the world’s greatest rock band.
NZ got One Tree Hill, the tribute to a kiwi who worked for the band and died just before the Joshua Tree album came out. So the way I see it, this U2 tree connection brings our two countries together. We are like brother and sister. New Zealand can be the good-looking brother who is really good at sport and Lebanon can be the wild slightly slutty (in a good way) sister. We can go out and get drunk together. Not that Lebanese people need an excuse to get drunk as my Lebanese mate pointed out.
Maybe that’s why it seems like all Lebanese food was created by someone with a hangover. Incidentally you might not be aware that Shakespeare was Lebanese? My mate Habib told me. And if you don’t believe it the facts are on the interweb.
Other famous people Lebanon are trying to claim. The bloke who thought up the idea of sticking wheels on suitcases and the maker of cookies and cream ice cream.
The streets are emptying in Dubai, which is great if you are trying to get around that city by town. Scientists reckon that at this rate, by July there will be approximately 1 mall for every 8 people. That is not a reflection on the how few people there will be left but more on how many malls there are in that town.
Isn’t this just the kind of news headline you like to see.
Eye catching and intriguing. Wow! I thought. How freaky. A fish that is afraid of garlic and crosses, sleeps in a coffin and wears a tiny little black cape….
Well no. Turns out this fish just has little fangs. I’m sorry, no disrespect to the 17mm member of the Cypriniform group of carp like fishes, but having fangs doesn’t make you Dracula. No one looks at a snake and says ‘Hey wow. A Dracula snake.’
Misled by the mainstream media again. And in a stream in the deepest darkest part of Burma a little fish has had his 15 minutes of fame.
There was a Mass shooting in Alabama today. What constitutes a mass? 10 people. Oddly though the definition of mass changes by nation. 33 people were killed by a suicide bomber in Iraq yesterday but I didn’t the read the word mass in conjunction with that anywhere. Wonder how many Iraqi’s have to die to make a mass?
If you thought the only thing that came out of Poland were electricians and plumbers who end up working in England, then check this out. I had no idea there was such a thing as export quality hay but here it is. Apparently Polish hay is so wild they have to keep it in cages. 
So my sister just had a baby yesterday. Her first. 6 pounds. Why do they always refer to babies weight in pounds? Is it because if you made it kilograms it would remind you of vegetables? '2.72 kilograms of onion thanks.'
Saw a pic of Mia Rose. Cute as a button, in that new born baby way. All babies look like grumpy old men when they are born. Fair enough too. About being grumpy. I mean all your life has been like one long free flotation tank session. Warm dark and wet. Suddenly you are pushed out through a door that is WAY to small, into a cold brightly lit room. It’s traumatic. And that’s just the start. Then you get boob shoved in your face. What the F! You’ve never seen one of these before. You have no idea what you’re meant to do. It’s like being smothered with a meat pillow. No wonder newborn babies cry and look so pissed off. They just want to go back. Welcome to the planet Mia, hope you enjoy your stay. Sorry it’s a bit of a mess.
Article I just wrote for those lovely people at Media Week Middle East
http://content.yudu.com/Library/A14ooq/MediaWeekMiddleEast1/resources/10.htm
Budgets are shrinking, why not planes? I saw these little remote control jets buzzing around at an air show recently and I thought to myself, that’s the way of the future. I know the US have predator drones but they don’t look like planes. These things are miniature versions of the real thing and when they were airborne you couldn’t tell if they were miniature planes or real ones just a bit further away. It would be the same for your enemy wouldn’t it?
Small planes mean small runways, smaller hangers and smaller amounts of fuel. Those savings ad up. And your Naval air force can build much smaller aircraft carriers.
But it’s not just about money. It’s also about stealth. Would these little guys show up on enemy radar? Doubt it. And imagine if you were in a dogfight with a plane this small. It would be hard to see?
Everything cool is getting smaller. ipods, Kate Winslet, why not air forces?
Because these planes are remote controlled you don’t need pilots. So no more testosterone laden blokes high fiving each other on the runway after they’ve buzzed the tower. But speaking of Top Gun, Tom Cruise is a little guy. He might actually fit in one of these planes. Maybe for air forces that still want that personal touch they could put tiny pilots in the planes. Midgets perhaps. Or monkeys. Maybe all those monkeys that went up into space in the 60’s. They’re probably all sitting around getting fat trying to work out how to recapture the thrills of their glory days. Bet they would work for next to nothing just for the chance to get airborne again.
Article I wrote for ME Media Week.
If ever we needed evidence that the economic downturn is hitting the UAE, cast your eyes over this picture. The old toss the ball in the milk can and win a stupid stuffed animal game. Looks so easy doesn’t it? Well it does to my 6 year-old daughter. ‘Go on Daddy. Win me one.’ I hear the unspoken message in those words – ‘All the other dads can do it. If you really love me you’ll get me that giant stuffed white thing which is based loosely on a lion, that I have been madly in love with for the past 25 seconds.’
This game is a scam, as any father who has given in to his child’s pleading and eyelid fluttering will tell you. For a start, the balls are way bigger than the little white one we see popping into the milk can in this picture. Much bigger. So big in fact I suspect even if you do manage to get it over the hole, it wont fit in. I haven’t been able to confirm this yet because the rims of these milk cans were designed by NASA scientists. You know how they used to calculate the angles so a spaceship would catch the gravity of the moon and slingshot back to earth? They’ve applied the same theory to the rims of the milk cans. The ball catches the rim, spins round and flies off into some distant Emirate.
See the little i? That stands for IDIOT. They can get away with that, because they know you’ll try anyway. The guys who work these stalls have degrees in child psychology. Notice how after each miss, they smile nicely and say ‘Try again sir?’ This is subtly aimed at your kid and their reaction is always ‘Oh yes daddy. Please. Please.’
What is that white four-legged thing you can win? White lion? Polar bear? Or some hideous genetically modified mixture of the two. Are we helping to fund gruesome genetic experiments by playing this game? Is that the sick twisted truth? I suggested that to my daughter. She just pointed longingly at the mountain of white fluff and fluttered her eyelids again. They always have loads of those mutant animals stacked up. As if to say, ‘We know all you super skilled men will be talking loads of these home so we have to stock up.’
But times are changing. Things are tougher now. Not the game thankfully. I guess if they wanted to take it to the next level they could introduce basketballs. Or hook you up to a car battery, so you get an electric shock each time you miss.
What’s different is there aren’t so many suckers lining up to part with their cash. The milk can boys know why. Not only are the smiling financial assassins in those booths trained in child psychology, they also watch the world’s financial markets with falcon like intensity. Fair enough. Apart running around picking up all the oversized balls, and taking your money, there isn’t a lot to do is there? Their tweaking of the token to ball ratio is in direct response to what’s happening around the world. Wondering when this financial rollercoaster of doom is going to bottom out?
Forget watching the markets or wading through the endless predictions from business boffins around the globe. Keep an eye on your local milk can stand. When the prices go back to normal, that’s the time to jump back into the share market.
We all know one humnan life isn’t worth the same as another. The media remind us of that all the time. For instance, last year 40 people died in Afganistan courtesy of a suicide bomber. 40 is the number of Afganis that need to die in one go to make front page news. If it had only been 20 it wouldn’t have got the same coverage. But if there had been just 5 Americans in that market. Boom! The story would have blown up.
I wonder if there is a ranking system set up somewhere where mathematicians and media experts work together to rank the most valuable of us in terms of centimeters of newspapers space and seconds of TV coverage?
Grim thought I know. But say it did exist, then I bet ya it wouldn’t be long before people worked out how to make money off it by betting on different nationalities moving up and down the ladder.
I worked on the NZ Tourism pitch at M&C Saatchi in 99. The winning work was pretty predictable. Postcard style shots of pretty scenery. Ironically the pitch started with the client saying that’s what they didn’t want, but a look around the world shows it’s the standard creative solution when you’re selling a country. If you have castles or temples you can wack a few of them in as well and ideally you finish it off with a short snappy line like ‘Malaysia Truly Asia’.
I know the Australian campaign ‘Where the bloody hell are ya?’ got a rough reception when it came out. It was viewed as crass and not appropriate to air in some places, but I liked it. It worked within the same framework as the standard tourism advertising, but they managed to inject a real dose of Aussie personality. For my money, the new Baz Lurhman work lives in that predictable ‘lets make the destination high brow and sexy.’ But it really only sells rich people on the idea they need to get out of the city and go for a swim. The huge amounts of money and flash DOP have washed out any real Australian character. And no, I don’t count a half naked barefoot aboriginal girl as Australian character.
As the fight for tourist dollars intensifies, nations are going to have to dig a bit deeper for a unique voice and a way to get noticed in the ‘come and visit us’ clutter.
The challenges facing the UAE are interesting. Rather than a national brand, Abu Dhabi and Dubai have been blazing separate paths. I understand a national campaign is planned and I am sure it will be laden with camels, coffee pots and falcons, but lets be honest, that is not what a holiday in the UAE is about now, and the developments happening around the country mean the Arabian nights angle will be even less relevant in the years to come. This is perhaps one of the only holiday destinations in the world where a tourist can spend a whole week and not even interact with a local. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, it’s just the reality, but what the UAE is working hard to create is a place that will be a must visit destination. A few years from now a holidaymaker’s itinerary could read something like this. A visit to recreated French town, a pyramid, the world’s largest indoor ski field, the first Ferrari theme park, a water park, the Guggenheim, the tallest building in the world and tons of shopping centers. UAEverything. How about that for a positioning.
Here are a few thoughts that might work for some other places.
Sex sells so I don’t think Brazil need to look further than, ‘Visit the country that gave us the Brazilian.
People are becoming increasingly weight conscious, so maybe France should go with – ‘French bread, French fries. There’s so more to us than carbs.’
Afghanistan – You’ve tried the biscuit you’ve seen the hound, now visit the country.
Or. We’ve been fighting over this place for hundreds of years. Come and see what all the fuss is about.
Nigeria. Visit and we’ll stop sending you emails.
Cambodia. We got rid of Gary Glitter and we’re working on the landmines.
America. We got rid of George Bush.
A while ago, a guy I know told me that the reason you never see the Burj Al Arab photographed from front on, out at sea, is because the design features the largest cross in the Middle East. That’s why I was surprised to see this shot on the front page of The National, Abu Dhabi’s main newspaper. You can see for yourself, it does look like a cross. But it also looks like the mast of a ship, which is the theme of the design. According to my ‘source’ he reckons it was done on purpose by the architect. Some kind of subversive Christian plan…. Not so sure. For my money the greatest crime perpetrated by the Burj Al Arab is the interior decorating. Imagine Lenny Kravitz and Hugh Hefner set up an interior decorating company. That’s the look they have captured so well. That might be why they don’t let the general public do walk in’s.
