The faulty jumping penis and other plastic tales.

I saw these day glow giant shrimp salad servers the other day in one of those gift shops rich husbands let their wives start up to give them something to do. The salad servers were made in China. It got me thinking about the guy who makes them. What does he tell people he does for a job. He wouldn’t say, “I make day glow salad servers shaped like giant shrimps.” He would sound like a dick. He probably says, “I’m in the plastics industry”, or “Manufacturing” or “The food service industry”.
But I bet the guy that makes the Manchester United salad servers tells everyone he is making Manchester United salad servers. They love football in Chine. He would be a star. He’d be the popular guy at the party. People would want to try and be friends with him in the hope he would give them a set. Maybe the two salad server guys work in the same factory and in keeping with the old communist tradition of rewarding the hardest workers, the hardest workers get to work on the coolest stuff.
Dressing the spice girl reunion tour dolls would be a popular gig. So would working on the Bratz doll production line. Or the My Little Pony Lunch Box with built in water bottle production line. The most unpopular job would be taking the sharp bits of plastic off the Chinese communist party headquarters Lunchroom chopsticks.
No one wants to see a pair of those in their Xmas stocking. “Hey kids look what I bought you home from the plastic factory. Chopsticks”. In Chinese plastic factory worker lingo this kind of job is called ‘Sucky sucky’.
How about the x rated plastic products. What if you worked on the production line that turns out those little wind up jumping penises? How would you explain that to your mum?
I guess you would say you work in the novelty section of the factory. Would there be a tester for a product like that. A person who winds up jumping cocks all day? What kind of parameter would they have for pass and fail? Would the penis have to hop a certain distance to qualify for a pass? What if it doesn’t? Does it go in the jumping penis reject box? Does the box go in the lunchroom with a sign that says ‘Reject jumping penises. Help yourself’. Maybe the guy from the chopstick production line grabs a couple and inserts chopsticks in them and tells friends they are mobile chopstick holders. Might not be as warmly received as a set of Man U salad servers but it would get a few laughs.

Do you know how to test-drive a bar?

I took a bar for a test drive last night. The Level Lounge. It is opening on the roof of the hotel she works for here in Abu Dhabi. It has no roof so I suggested they use the line ‘Abu Dhabi’s first topless bar,’ but no one thought that was a good idea.
Being in advertising I get to trial new products all the time. Once I did a photo shoot with a brand new Jag. It wasn’t really a trial of the product I was just supposed to drive it to the shoot in the morning but I took it to Hamilton and back just to see what it could do… over 145 kmh as it turns out. Test-driving a bar is more fun because essentially you are just out drinking, but it is free. But it’s not all free booze and bulshit… well it is mostly, but there are some tests you have put the bar through. For instance, I put my beer bottle down directly on the bar top and not on the coaster. But this infringement was spotted within the international standard of 8 sec and the offending bottle was placed back on the coaster by a staff member.
International bar rules dictate that after ordering the same drink from the same bar tender or waitress 4 times they should know it without being told. The staff at the level lounge had me figured within 2 drinks, but just to make sure I had to order more than 4 drinks from every staff member and there were a lot of staff. Happy to say they all passed with flying colors. Last night was what my wife called ‘the soft launch’ when she told me that I was worried that they would only be serving soft drinks but they didn’t. Tonight is what my wife calls the ‘VIP Launch’. If my wife thinks I am going to put up with another night sitting on the roof of a hotel on shiny new beanbags drinking free booze and listening to good beats then she is spot on. Not because of the free booze but because I support her 100%, and if that means testing things out for her then I am up for it. Anything but her cooking.

The 2-minute noodle conspiracy

I remember when 2-minute noodles hit the streets in New Zealand in the 80’s. Literally. Maggi put them in letterboxes in my neighborhood. That was one of the perks of living in a middle class ghetto like Pakuranga. People were always sticking stuff in your letterbox for your mum or dad to try. Mostly mum. We got a lot of fabric softener. Although they’re completely lacking in nutritional value, 2-minute noodles tick 2 of the more important food group boxes. They’re cheap and fast. But have you ever wondered why they are still 2-minute noodles? Are you telling me that over the last 25 years they haven’t developed the technology to shave a few seconds off the preparation time? Look at the 100 meters record since the 80’s? Now I’m not saying they should put steroids in the noodles but I cant believe in this modern, time poor age, that the two-minute noodle industries resources haven’t been focused on reducing the time factor. Or have they?
Rumor has it that a backyard inventor came up with a simple way of turning 2 minute noodles into 1 minute noodles. What happened to this new noodle? It was bought by one of the big 2-minute noodle manufacturers and hidden away. Why? Because the 2-minute noodle magnates want to keep you dependant on their product and avoid the costly expense of changing all the packaging from 2-minute noodles to 1-minute noodles. And they are banking on the fact that most of the people that reach for their product are drunk and don’t stop to think that they could be getting their noodles faster. But can we afford not to? We are all conscious of global warming these days. Think how much warming the pot on the stove with the water for the noodles is responsible for. Now imagine if we halved that? That’s right, 1 minute noodles could halve global warming instantly. When you realise that you understand we cant afford not to have 1-minute noodles in the kitchen.

Malaysians in space

Some Malaysians are blasting into space on a Russian rocket. Guess they finally worked out how to put Nasi Goreng in a tube. If they can do the same with Guiness the irish will probably wanna go.

Tobago. Missing out at Miss Universe?

So last night I met a guy from Trinidad at my local. Apart from cricket and Miss Universe I didn’t really know about the place. Back when people gave a toss about Miss Universe I remember thinking it was odd that there wasn’t a Miss Trinidad and a Miss Tobago. Instead they shared a lady. I assumed that maybe the ladies from Tobago were really ugly and in a strategic move they decided to throw their lot in with the spunks from Trinidad so the world didn’t laugh at them. But my new mate from Trinidad, Kurt told me that the ladies from Tobago aren’t too bad. Apparently ( and we will segue into a quick geography lesson) Trinidad and Tobago used to be one land mass but an earthquake separated them. I cant remember is Kurt said there were people around when that happened but I imagine that at the next meeting of the Trinidad Miss Universe committee when the subject of the earthquake came up they just said ‘What the hell, why don’t you guys stick with us.’ I am sure some people were concerned about the length of the name. For instance, does a long name look as good on the sash? A shorter punchier name like Miss USA is more eye catching. But the upside is you get more airtime from the presenter as they call out your name on stage and that has to count for something.
There is an upside for the contestant. Miss Trinidad and Tobago would be within her rights to point out to the committee that if it wasn’t for her dual country representation skills the committee would have to pay for two ladies and that would mean two air tickets and two hotel rooms. Surely there is a case to be made that the lady deserves a seat and hotel room upgrade? An quite possibly double pay.
I discussed these things at length with my new mate from Trinadad last night……but for some reason he started making little coconut trees out of beer bottle labels. I asked him if that was one of the skills that Miss Trinidad and Tobago pulled out in the talent section of the Miss Universe pagent. But it wasn’t. Turns out Kurt was doing it because he was bored. I mentioned the only other thing I have ever thought about Tobago and that was that they could easily change their name to Tabasco without too much fuss or sign writing expense and earn valuable advertising money from the sauce company. I think Kurt gave the idea some serious thought because he didn’t talk to me after that.

Baaaaaaaa. The war in Iraq was about oil. Baaaaaaa. What are you gonna Baaaaaaaa,

I’ve been watching films on U tube about the war in Iraq and they all beat the same drum. We were lied to. There were no WMD. The war was about oil. Saddam had no links to Bin Laden. The invasion was already being planned before 911.
A lot of people knew this before the invasion and now the truth is seeping down to the masses. Most of these films pull out experts. Ex CIA, Army, Government people to help prove the point.
But so what.
You think the men who planned the invasion. The men who wanted to get Saddam out of power and their hands on Iraq’s oil and care. Why should they.
You see what the men in power count on is the fact that we, the masses, are sheep. Especially in the West. We plod along in a flock. Most of us under the illusion that because we live in a democracy. That we, the people, are in control and because we ‘elected’ our leaders they will safe guard our interests and do the right thing by us.
Meanwhile, the men in power. And I’m not talking about the muppet out front who got the job from daddy. I’m talking about the men with the real power. The men off to the side. They just quietly go about doing what they want.
Want to kick out Saddam, get control of the oil and get Iraq to start selling oil in US dollars again. No problem. Tell the sheep Saddam is linked to 911 and has WMD. Sure the truth will come out eventually, but it will be too late by then. And it is. The job is done. When Bush was on that aircraft carrier in front of the sign ‘Mission Accomplished’. It was right. The mission was accomplished. The war hasn’t been won. But that wasn’t the object. As long as the war goes on there are plenty of men making loads of money. Ask the team at Halliburton. And as for the oil. They don’t need to start pumping it right now. They are too busy making loads of money off the oil they are pulling out of the ground everywhere else. Plenty of time before they need to start sucking Iraq dry.
And why can people like Bush Blair and Howard lie to the people that supposedly put them in power? Because they and their handlers know they wont be held accountable. Sure there will be a lot of films and protests by some of the angry sheep, but we’ll all get tired and go back to chewing grass. Politically we might se a few heads role, but hat doesn’t worry the men in power. There are plenty more Bill Clintons and George W Bushes to wheel out in front of the flock to provide the illusion that we have a choice of leaders and that the power is in our hands.
How did this happen? Surely we can blame someone for the travesty. It can’t be our own apathetic selves at fault. What about the greeney peace freeks? Why didn’t they try to persuade us a little harder? Why did they have to look so green and freaky and not very credible.
What about the political opposition? Surely they should have sniffed out what was going on. Isn’t that what the opposition do? Don’t tell me they're just waiting to have a turn in the drivers seat and serving the purpose of the men in power by making it look like we, the sheep, have an alternative choice in leaders. What about the press? Shouldn’t they have searched out the truth. Don’t tell me they're in the pockets of the men in power. (Or in the case of the embedded journalists, in the tanks and personnel carriers of the men in power).
So what do we do now?
Maybe if we make a real effort to hold the people in power that lied to us, accountable, we could send a message to our leaders that they can’t get away with bull shitting the flock. That there will be a price to pay. But that wont happen will it. The men at the top rely on the ineptitude and apathy of the flock. People like you and me who are too busy chewing grass and hoping someone will trim our dags.
I guess we get the leaders we deserve. Baaaaaaaaa. Baaaaaa. Baaaaa.

The Crap Pack

It has all turned to custard for Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears. Or the Crap Pack as I like to call them.
Lindsay has been in more rehab centers than watchable films in her short life. And now it looks like Britney might be joining her to get weaned of the jack and coke, and coke. Apparently Britney Spears mother Lynne received an anonymous phone call last week, tipping her off about the singer's drug taking.
Oh really? Are you telling me Lynne didn’t know? Don’t they get TV reception in her trailer park? Doesn’t she read magazines?
Paris did jail time instead of rehab but now she has announced she is off to Rwanda. Has someone told Pars there are no Prada, Gucci or Mui Mui stores in Rwanda? Maybe she isn’t going there for a handbag. Maybe she is gonna pull a Madonna and adopt a 3rd world kid to replace her tiny dog. Or maybe they will both have to squeeze into the same handbag. If she is only going there for a photo op couldn’t she just get someone to build a fake Rwanda set in Hollywood. If some of Paris’ emaciated pals spent a few extra hours on the tanning beds they would look just like the starving children in Rwanda. As if poor old Rwanda doesn’t enough problems now they will have to put up with the Platinum princess wafting through the country handing out copies of her porn tape. But maybe this could be the thing that brings the Hutu and the Tutsi together. (Has someone told Paris that these are tribes and not new types of perfume?) Maybe they can stop killing each other and learn to hate a common enemy. Bimbo American socialites who use dirt poor African nations to make themselves look good.

Brand Old

In Sri Lanka these factories are banging out jeans. That’s the easy bit. What takes time is all the extra effort they have to go to, to rub the jeans with sandpaper and wash them over and over to get them looking really old. But the Sri Lankan's don’t mind because they get to charge more for older shittier looking clothes. Mental when you think about it.
Imagine if the same trend took off with cars. You could buy a brand new Ferrari and for a bit more cash they could get little men to take to it with rocks and car keys. After scratching and denting the body they would attach doors that had been soaking in seawater so they were all rusty.
You would even have the option of a cracked windscreen so when you drove that car down mainstreet it looked like it had been places. If that trend took off it would be great for the makers of Humvees. The new H3 sucks. It looks like a suburban mums kid bus. Why not ad a little credibility by giving every new H3 a tour in Iraq to ‘age’ it. Nothing like real bullet holes and blood stained seats to add to that authentic all terrain look. Forget the cup holder and cigarette lighter. In a genuine Iraq conditioned Humvee you get an M16 gun rack and a place to stick your field dressings. Of course the war worn H3 would cost a little more depending on how many tours it had done. And maybe you pay more for a Humvee out of Iraq than Afghanistan because that is a more popular war. By popular I mean Iraq is in the news more. Maybe when America gets round to bombing Iran the Humvee people will be able to put a few H3’s near the Iranian nuclear plants to soak up some of those cruise missiles blasts. Imagine being the first stockbroker on your block to be driving a humvee that was conditioned in Iran with genuine US military hardware.

Rugby World Cup dribble

Just watched a Titanic struggle between the All Blacks and Romania. When I say Titanic what I mean is, like the film, everyone already knew the ending before it started.
You’re familiar with Beatle mania in the 60’s? Well along time before that there was Romania. People all over Europe were so hot for anything and everything Roman that they decided to name a country after it.

Romania filled the spot in the 2007 World Cup line up reserved for countries whose name ends in ‘ia’. Personally I would have like to see Transylvania get in. At halftime the whole team would pile off into the blood bin. For a drink…. Get it…. A drink……
Oh never mind.

If you’re not from New Zealand you probably cant grasp just how important the rugby world cup, and us winning it, is to little old New Zealand. Being a small island at the bottom of the planet we get very excited about anything that gets us attention from the big grown up country’s of the world. Rotary milking, man’s first flight, splitting of the atom, Rachel Hunter and big expensive racing yachts. We’ve tried a lot of different things. But the one that seems to work most consistently for us, is rugby.

The make up of the AB’s has changed over the years. Back in the day there were a lot of farmers in the team. These days there are a lot more city boys. But, just like the Sth African rugby union insists there are a number of black players in the national team, the All Blacks have to have at least one farmer in every starting 15. It’s a law. And at least 2 guitar players per touring squad.

There’s no doubt the All Blacks are getting bigger. The victorious 87 World Champs would look like ball boys along side the 2007 team. If they keep growing at this rate the All Blacks wont be able to fly in normal aircraft seats in 20 years time. New Zealand scientists are busy designing a special plane to carry the national squad. It is either that or they go on a cruise ship.

It’s all about the money these days in rugby. Big money. Sure a top All Black earns a year, what David Beckham earns in a week, but it is still big money down in New Zealand. Players will be looking for ways to make extra advertising bucks on the field and maybe some of them have already started. Take Jerry Collins. With his bright white flat top and black everything else, he looks like a pint of Guinness with legs. Smart move by the makers of Guinness. ‘Good things take time. Except a move by Jerry Collins.’

So the pool games are nearly over. Surprisingly, Georgia, Namibia and Timbucktoo didn’t deliver the performances their pre tournament form suggested……. But now we get to the sharp end of the competition ( I think I stole that line from Simon Fuller on American Idol). Maybe the AB’s will finally get a decent game and maybe they can hold it together and bring home the little silver cup. Or will we live up to our reputation as the best rugby team in the world. In between world cups. There’s a lot riding on this for us and if it doesn’t come off we might have to give Rachel Hunter a make over and marry her off to another ageing rocker.

Hairs to the rugby world cup

Has the IRB made a rule that every team in the 2007 World Cup has to have a man with a beard in it? Maybe it is a cynical move to capture the hard to reach lumberjack audience.
For a back a beard cant be good for wind resistance can it? And for a forward, surely it is just something for the opposition to grab onto. Ban the stupid beard I say. The Samoans got round the beard rule by giving some of their players’ hair bling’. Little beads and tassels. Apparently a team can field two players with hair bling instead of one player with a beard.

England Part 2

Poor old England. As if being hit by foot and mouth wasn’t bad enough they now have to contend with Blue Tongue. At least it is easy for the farmers to look for the symptoms. Foot and mouth was a bit unspecific because if your animals don’t have feet and mouths you’re in big trouble anyway. Maybe they should think about closing down England and turning it into a car park for Euro Disney? Just a thought. England’s National animal seems to be a lion. It is on a lot of stuff. I don’t remember a time that they ran wild. Maybe they did. Maybe they still do in the backwoods. Hope the blue tongue doesn’t kill em off. Or. Maybe England just stole the animal of another country. Like they lifted tea as their national drink and curry as their national dish from India.

Brain Dribble on England Part 1

England is a small island off the coast of Europe. Originally when god put it here the plan was that it would be a get away place for European people to come and hang out on. The Vikings used it for a while but didn’t treat the place too well and because the weather is crap it never really took off. Perhaps because of the weather English people have made such an effort to go out and conquer the rest of the world. At one point the British Empire had it’s creepy little tentacles all over the planet. They bought gifts too. And not just the STD’s their sailors were carrying. They bought new kinds of warfare, muskets, cannons, food and games. Games like rugby, football and cricket. The people in the country’s that England conquered learned the rules of the games then kicked the Poms out without so much as a 'cheerio old chap'. Except India who gave them some curry. But then aqs if that wasnt bad enough all the conquered countrys then proceeded to get really good at the sports the English left behind so they could kick their arses over and over again.
England has a Queen, but they used to have 2 till the lead singer of one died of AIDS. The best thing about England is that there is a pub on every corner. There has to be because the weather is so crap people cant walk too far. The other best thing about England is the traffic light system. When the light is red it flashes orange to let you know it is about to go green. This lets you save valuable mili seconds. All those milli seconds add up to minutes and those minutes can be spent waiting at the bar for your Guinness to be ready to drink. My Guiness is ready now so i have to go and drink it but i will be back later with more thoughts on England