Hotel Security in Cairo.

I hate Cairo. If someone ever invents a giant steamcleaning unit that a city council could hire to come in and steam clean their city, and if that steam cleaning company decided to make a tv ad to promnote their service and if the ad agency suggested a tv concept that invovled a dirty dusty city thaqt needed a clean and a shiny sparking city that had just been steam cleaned the they could use Cairo as the before. But that said, they do have good hotel security. The x-ray machines and guards at the hotels make people feel more secure in these terrorist conscious times and the hotels love them. As well as bombs guns and box cutters coming, in the machines have also been set to detect hotel robes, towels and cutlery going out. Reducing theft by a whopping 28%. Another plus in the war on terror.

If the giant city steamcleaning unit got invented the owner probably wouldnt bother adveritisng in tv. I'd suggest DM to all the big citys. Maybe clean one for free. Or a bit. Go into Sydney and clean the opera house just to show what you can do.Or go into Amsterdam and clean up the redlight district. Well that's what you tell the wrld you are going to do and they think you mean get rid of all the hookers but you just clean the buildingas and everyone goes 'Ohhh, I get it' and mayors all round the world think I should get my city cleaned. Maybe the steamcleaning company hire the Queen of England or the Pope to do viral email where they say something like'I visit alot of cities and I like the ones that arent stinky and dirty so clean up you act.' That would get cities taking notice. when they get cleaned they could put a little logo on the city that shows up on google earth. Maybe they could also do an ad with an astornaut on the space shuttle. Get him to film cities from space and show us how the dirty citys look realy shitty from up there. He could imply that if you have a dirty city aliens wont bother to visit you. When a city was about to host the olympics the steamcleaning compnay could send them a letter saying 'Wanna look good for your big event?' Beijing would probably have to have the ultra heavy duty package. Maybe the Ameircans could give Bagdad a steamclean when they pull out their troops a a way of saying 'Sorry we fucked you country even more'.
And if the steamcleaners do find themselves in Bagdad maybe they could pop over to Cairo and do that town casue it needs it......... did I just write that all out loud?

What were the Eskimos thinking?

So the accepted theory is that man was born in Africa, got to his feet, grabbed a few things and wandered off around the world. That would make the people who live at the bottom of South America the fittest most motivated people on the whole planet. They just kept going. Through the Middle East, which wasn’t as hot and shitty back then as it is now. Across Asia up through Russia. They must have been a bit worried when things started getting cold. But they boxed on. Over the land bridge down through Canada into America. By now things were getting warm again and you might think they would settle for a nice bit of land in Malibu. But no. On they went in Mexico and down through South America right to the pointy bit. In hindsight they probably realised that they should have stopped in Malibu but I bet you none of the men that made it ever admitted that to their wives. Anyway hats off for all the hard work. South America is a cool place even down the pointy end. What I don’t get are the Eskimos. These people are the descendents of the people who got to where everything was totally ice and said ‘Hey you guys go on. We’re gonna stay here.’ Now Mr future South American naturally would have assumed his Eskimo mate meant he was going to have a rest and go back the way they came till they found somewhere they could live. At this point even Siberia would have been an improvement. Maybe that is what the Eskimos bloke has in mind. But he sat down, his wife unpacked their stuff and somehow they never got round to leaving. Full respect to them for managing to survive all these years. Making a home out of ice, sleeping on ice, cutting holes in ice to get to fish. They are a very hardy people, but why would ya? Even if one of the Eskimo phycics told his people ‘Don’t worry in a few thousand years they will invent the snowmobile and it will be a bit easier to get around. Why would they have stayed? Surely at some point an Eskimos must have said to his Dad, ‘Hey Daddddddd ad (he is shivering) Is the whole world like this?’ His dad would say ‘Actually no son, this is just as far as your great great great great great great great great great geart great great grandma and Granddad could be bothered going.’ At which point you would think the young Eskimo would throw down his seal pup fat flavored ice slushy and say ‘Sod this. Which way did my great great great great great great great great great great great great great South American Granduncle go?’

Whats wrong with the shape of the Pear?

Who decided that pear shaped was a bad thing? 'Oh no, things have gone pear shaped'. What is so wrong with a shape of a pear? Is this a reference to a woman who is pear shaped and by that are we implying that a pear shaped woman is less than ideal? OR is this simply a dig at a fruit that is just quietly getting on with the job of being a fruit. As if the pear doesnt have enough to worry about. It damages more easily than an apple, doesnt have the bright shiny glow of an orange or the cooky shape of a banana. But what about the banana. Yellow and long and bent. It is like every banana you ever see is broken. Why dont we refer to things as having gone banana shaped? I'll tell you why. Becasue we like bananas better. Bananas are cooler. If you were a fruit in town for a night and your friend gave you the phone numbers of two fruit he knew, to take you out and show you a good time. A banana and a pear, you would probably phone the banana cause you would figure the banana would be way more up for it than the boring old pear. Boring yes but dependable? For sure. The pear is the kind of fruit your grandma reached for for when she was baking.The pear was a classy fruit back in the day. Not now though. Kids like the interactiveness of bananas an oranges. They come in their own packaging. You rip it off and eat the yummy stuff inside. Apples wouldnt still be so cool if it wasnt for the Beatles and the computers. You can peel an apple but it is harder to peel a pear. Especially a soft pear and they go soft real quick. OK, so the pear is struggling to keep up in the modern age. But does running it down with terms like 'pear shaped' really help?

Dental Discrimination

If mankind is going to survive we all need to start getting along and thinking of ourselves as the same, regardless of religion, skin color, borders or number of fillings. The Swiss are big on teeth. Not only do they put tooth picks in Swiss Army Knives, they have loads of gold fillings stored away in their bank vaults. I hope for a day when we aren’t forced to seek dental care based on which country we come from.

Paul Wolfowitz. What a complete banker.

George W Bush is the only world leader to come out and publicly say Paul Wolfowitz should keep his job. Of course this has nothing to do with the fact the Bush nominated him for the job as World Bank Top Dog back in 2005. No way. Bush obviously feels it is totally cool to score your girlfriend a promotion with a big fat pay increase at a time when your organisation is preaching fiscal responsibility to the world. So the pressure is building on Wolfowitz and he will go. It is just a matter of time till public opinion builds to the point where it is worse for Bush to back Wolfowitz than feed him to the dogs. Sometime soon Wolfy will get the call from the Whitehouse to say ‘ That’s it son, we cant take the heat anymore’ Pack ya bags help ya self to some money out of the safe, your out of here.’ I’m sure the Bush administration will be able to find another nice little job for the wolf somewhere else once things die down. Wonder if he will be able to keep a few souvenirs from his time at the World Bank, like his personalized stapler, the photo of him with Santa at last year’s World Bank Xmas party and his girlfriend.

The review panel who looked into what happened have faulted the banks Ethics Committee for not giving Wolfowitz enough guidance on how to avoid conflict of interest. Should we be reassured that an organization has an ethics committee? I mean ethics. Isn’t that something you just have? Do you need a committee to tell you what they are? Maybe if you are like a young kid going off the rails. But you would have hoped the boss of a small organization like the World Bank would have a handle on ethics along with honesty, integrity and knowing when to say ‘I made a gross error of judgment that the manager of the local supermarket would get the axe for so the least I can do is offer my resignation.

What is a World Bank anyway? Is that where spacemen get their travelers cheques before lift off? Do they have branches across the galaxy? When aliens come to earth I guess they would naturally open an account with the World Bank. But why don’t they have branches across the world? I haven’t seen anywhere.
The World Bank lends money to countries. What do countries offer up as security? Big things I guess. France probably put up the Eiffel Tower. Actually no they are smarter than that. I bet they tried to use Euro Disney. What kind of money does the World Bank give countries? I mean why would a country need to go to the World Bank and get money, cant they just make their own? Maybe you have to have a country to open an account at the World Bank. What kind of ID would you bring? A picture of your army and one of your flags? You probably get a World Bank ATM card. I guess the treasure would look after that. You probably wouldn’t have a normal chequebook. The World Bank probably gives out those really big novelty cheques that you see in telethons.

Pity poor Paris

We’ve seen Paris Hilton in her bikini, in Las Vegas, in crappy films, in a porno and now we might see her in jail. She’s been in thousands of bars now she is going to be behind bars. For driving her blue Bentley while disqualified. In the real world when you are fighting a prison sentence you hire a lawyer. In America you hire a publicist. But prison wouldn't be the end of the world for Paris. It can do wonders for your career. Just ask Martha Stewart. Everyone thought Johnny Cash did jail time and it just made him cooler. Maybe jail time will have an effect on the tone of her music (that could only be a good thing). Perhaps her lawyer could ask for a reduced sentence if she promises to take her album off the market and not to make music every again. Unless it is the soundtrack for another porno. Maybe she will come out with a new perfume – Freedom or Innocence. Paris’ mate Nicole Ritchie should get arrested (that wouldn’t be too hard) then they could make a new series of the Simple Life. The Hilton in Paris could theme some rooms like her jail cell and call it the Paris Hilton, Paris Hilton experience. When she gets out she can release a range of high fashion prison jumpsuits.
The judge says it was arrogance on Paris’ part. That she considered herself above the law of the common people. But she is. That’s why someone has started a petition to keep her out of jail, ‘Because she provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives.’ The petition just might work. In America money can’t buy you happiness but it can buy innocence. Just ask OJ and Michael Jackson.

The Presidential race and sex.

Maybe it’s true, maybe America really is a shinning example to the rest of the world. A beacon of hope. A torch in the darkness. After all they are seriously considering the idea of considering a black man for president. It wasn’t long ago that most of them were salves. And as if that wasn’t enough, it also looks like a woman is also going to get to take a shot at the title. A woman! They run kitchens. What do they know about running countries?
The rest of the world might not be comfortable with this, but America says, ‘It’s 1907, lets lead by example’. …….…… But hang on a minute, it isn’t 1907. It’s 2007.

So maybe someone should tell the American news networks. I’m not American, black or a woman, but if I was any of those three I couldn’t help but be embarrassed by the way the American media goes on about Obama and Hilary. Especially Obama. As if it is a real breakthrough that a black person is even being considered for the job. I hate to burst any bubbles, but women and black men have been running countries for a quite a while around the rest of the world. Some of them are even quite good at it.

Now if America had a presidential candidate who was a black man who used to BE a white woman that might be something for the networks to get excited about. A black man or a woman? Sorry, that’s just catching up with the rest of the world.

Thought for the day

I found this on the footpath after lunch. I think it speaks for itself dont you.

Hairy back runway

So I was at the pools the other day with my daughter and there was this guy in the pool playing with his kids and he was hairy. Hairy like a caveman throw back. Guys like that usual wear thick gold chains because gold looks good on black and the thickness of the body hairy keeps the gold chain off the skin suspended on a bed of thick black hair.

This guy didn’t have a gold chain, but he turned round to reveal an equally hairy back. Except for this one little rectangular patch. It looked kind of strange. I started thinking how it might have happened. Perhaps his wife suggested they do something about his body hair predicament by waxing it. He would have thought, ‘No worries. Shirley does it all the time, how hard can it be. Then she would have applied the first small rectangular patch of cloth, ripped it off and a pain would have torn through him unlike anything he had experienced before in his life. One would have been enough. ‘You can’t stop now.’ Shirley would have said. ‘You have a little rectangular patch of pink skin surrounded by thick black back hairs. People will stare at you at the pool.’ ‘I don’t care.’ Hairy man whimpered as he crawled out of the room.

Or perhaps it didn’t happen like that. Perhaps Shirley ripped of the first patch and while Hairy man was inspecting it in the mirror he had an idea. ‘Hey Tommy come here.’ He shouted. ‘And bring your toy soldiers and that little toy plane.’ Tommy comes running into the room to find dad lying topless, on the floor, on his stomach. ‘Tommy, lets play ‘Bust the Columbian Drug Cartel’ says Hairy man. ‘The soldiers are about to raid a secret airstrip hidden deep in the Columbian jungle. Look, mum made a runway for you.’

Is one god really enough in the 21st Century?

The reason I ask is that things don’t seem to have been going so well and I think maybe the problem is that he is over worked. Fair enough. The population has gone through the roof. Famine, pestilence, wars; disease, drugs and badly made electrical appliances are killing us in record numbers. Maybe the big guy needs a hand. Any business that undergoes huge growth and diversification needs to sit down and look at the way it is run. It isn’t fair to expect one guy to be responsible for the whole shooting match. Are you telling me Bill Gates is a one-man band?
And it’s not like this hasn’t been done before.
Look at some of the cultures of the past that thrived with polytheism. They had gods for love & marriage, healing, war, water, music, hunting. And those civilizations got things done. The Sumerian’s invented the wheel, agriculture, law, writing and pottery. The Egyptians built the pyramids. The Greeks gave us salad and the Romans left their cool sandals and toga parties. Maybe it was the multi god thing that helped.
Obviously not all the old gods would be as relevant now but we could change their job descriptions to reflect the changing times. For instance while sheep are still important there are other important livestock to take into account these days, so Pan, the god of shepherds and flocks could probably take over farming in general. The Goddess of hunting could also watch over supermarket shoppers. The Romans had a God of Wine and that’s fine but we might need to expand that to include beer, spirits and alcho pops. There used to be a God of music and healing. That was fine back in the Roman times but with the growth of hip hop, drum and bass and all the other new types of music I think we need a god dedicated simply to music and I know the big record companies will agree. I’m sure they will be praying to him about music piracy.

Now from what I know about the current God he isn’t to keen on the idea of help. He’s a control freak and wants to be in charge of everything. I’m not saying we fire him. Even in the old days the gods all answered to a boss god. The big guy would become the Chairman of the celestial board, and would be still called upon to perform the odd miracle and open shopping centers. But we would have specialists in there to get things done.

There will obviously have to be a few new gods created to cover new areas. For example we’ll need a God of the Internet because that is a whole new cyber universe. God of Love is fine but what about the God of Safe Sex? That’s important these days. The God of horses will naturally become the God of Cars and the God of Where did I put my car keys? but I think we need a separate God of Parking because that’s a huge problem for modern man.

I won’t lie; there will be a few downsides to reinstating the multi god concept. New temples will need to be built and they’ll be expensive and of course there be the inevitable ‘my god’s better than your god’ type fights that will break out. My hope is that due to the sheer number of new gods there wont is one with a big enough following to cause too much damage. Anyway that’s my idea thought I would put it out there, see what people think. The gods will need a home. They used to hang out at Mt Olympus but I think the UN headquarters in New York would be a better spot now. True the weather is a bit shitty in New York. Too hot in summer, too cold in winter but that can be the first job for the God of weather, before he gets bogged down arguing with the God of fossil fuels over the whole global warming issue.

Showing a stoneage tribesman a goodtime in the city

It’s been a while since they found people living in a remote corner of the planet untouched by civilization. Maybe there aren’t any left. But if they ever find some more and they bring some of them to a city, I think the freakiest experience they could go through would be a ride in a lift. Think about it. You’re taken into a building that is bigger than anything you have ever been in before and made with shiny hard materials you have ever seen. You are lead through this building to a metal wall with a crack running up the middle. A button is pushed and moments later at the sound of a small bell the metal wall splits apart revealing a very small room. You are lead into the room the people with you immediately turn to face the doorway and watch it slowly shut. No one freaks so you keep your cool but then small room beings to vibrate and you hear whirring sounds. Then you hear another bell and the metal wall parts again. But now everything in the room outside has changed. Some of the people in the small room with you get out. Others are waiting for the arrival of your room and enter it. The metal wall closes again there’s more whirring and vibrating at the sound off the bell the wall parts to reveal the room outside has transformed again. Now tell me, how do you explain that to your friends round the fire when you get back to your village? The other toughie would be a revolving restaurant. How to you get your head around the fact that you were taken to the centre of the universe. It was up high in the sky, there were lots of tables. People brought you food and while you ate you watched the entire planet revolve slowly around you.

Could I suggest that if you do find yourself chaperoning a Stone Age tribesman in the future you don’t make his first trip in an elevator up to a revolving restaurant. The two experiences back to back might be too much for him to handle. Why not take the stairs.

Could you find your car’s bum? Egypt Part 2

.

They are big on security in Cairo. On the way in from the airport I saw all these men in uniforms standing at the side of the road. I thought maybe the Queen was arriving. But it seems there is always quite a heavy uniformed presence round the city. Especially in the tourist areas. The entrance to my hotel was blocked by a gate and before the man with the AK47 would let us through, the man with the mirror on the end of the stick, stuck it under our car. It is like a giant version of that thing the dentist uses to look around in your mouth. Maybe if they ever manage to recreate dinosaurs and build a real Jurassic Park and the dinosaurs have to have their teeth checked, then they could use the mirrors on sticks that the security guys use to do it.
While the man with the mirror on the stick did his thing, the man with the bomb dog came out. I presume it was sniffing for bombs. Maybe it was just saying hello? But I don’t think so. You know how when a dog greets another dog and sometimes a person, it will sniff its bum? Well I thought maybe the dog would do the same thing with the car and go straight for the exhaust pipe. But it didn’t. Maybe bomb dogs aren’t friendly. How do you think they train a bomb dog? I am guessing they expose him to bombs. Let him sniff them so he knows what to look for. But what’s the motivation for the dog to sniff for bombs? Does he get a big pat on the head and a doggie treat when he finds something? Tough job. I bet they find stuff all bombs so that’s a long time between treats. And what if there was something in your car that had a better smell? Like dog food. Are you telling me the dog could resist the urge to get all excited about that and goes on sniffing for bombs? I have always suspected that with drug dogs they get the dogs hooked on drugs and that’s why they are so eager to sniff you bags at the airport. Maybe bomb dogs get fed small bits of explosive. Not a lot, just enough to give them a taste. But over time the explosive probably builds up in the dog like mercury and eventually they just blow up. Probably lying by a fire one night after work. Dogs like lying by fires. Or maybe someone pats the dog a little too vigorously and BOOOM! Bye bye fido. Dangerous job. You’d be crazy to do it. That’s why you never see bomb-sniffing cats. Cats are way to clever to take on a shitty job like that. Mind you if there was one place in the world where it would make sense to have cats doing important jobs it would be in Egypt wouldn’t it.