Hummer Love

It’s is the classic expat cliché. Come to the Middle East and buy a Hummer. Hummer, famous for having the most expensive launch event ever. That would be Gulf War 1. The mother of all car launches. Anyway, 17 years on the hummer aint the new kid on the block anymore. It was cool to have a hummer here in the UAE a couple of years ago, but the cashed up car nuts who change their cars like their undies have moved on. The new Rover is the in thing this month.

What about our carbon footprint you ask? Well with a Hummer it is more of an army issue desert boot print, but my theory is, if all this fighting and stress over the price of oil wasn’t around, we would all be better off. How do we sort that out? Get rid of the oil. Use it up. Fast. And my friends, doing 160 k’s between Abu Dhabi and Dubai is a good way to use it up.

The Hummer is big. I’ve never had an SUV, never really wanted one, but now I have had a taste of it, it would be hard to go back. Before we got the Hummer we were renting a VW polo. I have filled that with pine scented dishwashing liquid and hung it form the hummers rear view mirror.
The Hummer is high off the ground.
It’s a climb to get in, but once you’re there it’s worth it. Kind of like getting to the top of Everest. The Hummer is so high off the ground that at Hummer dealerships, one of the optional extras is a midget lady who lives in the spare tyre compartment and comes round offering you a choice of chicken or fish on long trips.
Judder bars are a thing of the past. When you’re in a car that was designed to be able to drive over small desert villages without stopping, a judder bar is just a joke.

We got the H3. It’s totally different to the H1 and 2. Each model that comes out seems to have a little more of the sharp edges taken off. It’s sad how that happens. The Hummer caught the imagination of the nation because it looked different to all the pussy cars we were used to seeing. It wasn’t smooth and curvy, it was boxy with sharp corners and low to the ground. Arnie wanted one. And back in 91 he was still kind of cool, in a larger than life Hollywood way. But the H3 is a shadow of its early days. Looks to me like the result of endless focus groups and research meetings that have tried to pander to the soccer mum crowd. Bit of chrome here, smooth those front corners, put some pretty taillights on it. Any more tweaks and they might as well slap a Hyundai logo on its arse.
The H4 will probably suck and buy the time it comes out Arnie will be the only guy rich enough to fill it with gas, so we are living the dream now.
The wife likes to keep it clean, but I think a Hummer looks better dirty. It also makes it look like I have been off roading.
The pressure about getting a big 4x4 like a hummer is everyone says ‘have you taken it off road yet?’ and when you say no, they give you that slightly disappointed look. I parked outside a restaurant the other day and road works were going on out front so I had to drive up on the curb to park… does that count? … Not really eh.

All you need is love

How can the world take a leader seriously when he dresses like he is going to a sergeant peppers lonely hearts club fancy dress party?

Oh, that's right. No one does.

Why polar bears cant retire.

Another story in the paper today about the disappearing ice at the North pole. But last week there was a story that they found ice on Mars, so doesn’t that kind of cancel things out. The universe giveeth and the universe taketh away type thing.
The only thing that bums me out about the ice disappearing is the poor old polar bears. If you were a typical polar bear couple and you bought a little section of ice in the 70’s, its melted away to fuck all now. There goes the retirement nest egg.
There was a polar bear at Auckland zoo in the 80’s who started turning green. It wasn’t the lack of ice I don’t think. They painted the concrete white to make it look like ice and the polar bear probably really liked that. Ice without the chill. When he told his mates back home they probably thought he was tripping and his green fur would have confirmed that for them. I think the green was caused by a fungal infection but maybe he was from mars. They have ice there.
They also found out that the soil on mars is perfect for growing asparagus. So guys, if you are in the loo and you see a little green man he might be a human in fancy dress. But if his wee wee is really smelly, then there is a good chance he’s a martian.

Plasma penis

It’s all about the inches isn’t it? For penises and TV’s.
We just went up to a 42 at home and I have to say the wife and I are both loving the extra width.
It’s funny when you think about it. With electronics it is all about making things smaller. Ipods, cameras, phones. Except for tv’s. When it comes to them, bigger is better. More inches. Sure, the side profile is shrinking faster than George W’s credibility, but the screens are blowin up!
I guess technology means tv’s will keep getting bigger and bigger. Like the hole in the ozone. Or the gap between rich and poor.
When it comes to penises it is a different story. At some point the penises enlargement regulatory body has to say enough! If they don’t, someone is going to get hurt.
I get a lot of spam about penis enlargements ‘add extra inches’ etc, and I was thinking this is something the TV industry should look into. The concept of adding extra inches to your existing screen is a cool idea. Don’t know how they would do it, but I bet there is a scientist in korea who knows.
If I got spam about that, I’d click the button to find out more.
Those are inches I can use.

Training for the comeback

We are all consumers in god's eyes

Evil Mo

This is from a new book of stupid drawings I am working on to follow up the highly crafted stickmen series

GpS love

I am spending time with another woman. But only in the car and my wife knows. In fact, the three of us hang out together sometimes. She ‘s a bit older than us. In her 40’s. But this is a lady who knows where she’s going.

‘In One point five kilometers turn left’
‘In One kilometer turn left’
‘In two hundred meters turn left’
‘Turn left.’

And if I don’t turn left? If I just keep going. Do I hear…..
‘I said LEFT you DICK HEAD. Why don’t you listen to me’

No I don’t.
Instead, there is a short pause and then, in a calm, relaxing voice, she says one word …..

‘Recalculating’.

It’s a great way to live. It’s changed my life. I am secretly hoping my wife picks up on the idea round the house.

‘Honey put out the rubbish in the next hour ’
‘Honey put out the rubbish in the next half hour ’
‘Honey put out the rubbish in the next fifteen minutes’
‘Honey put out the rubbish.’

`Recalculating………Honey put out the rubbish in the next two days.’


Maybe when she is fully used to life with GpS, I can use the style when I am at the pub and have to text her.

‘Hi babe, at the pub home in one hour
‘Hi babe, at the pub home in half an hour
‘Hi babe, at the pub home in fifteen minutes
Recalculating…….
‘Hi babe, at the pub home in one hour

I love my GpS and I am committed to it, but I couldn’t help noticing when I went of ride in a friends BMW X5 the other day that his GpS lady sounds younger and sexier than mine. I think it might be my GpS ladies hotter younger sister.
I bought mine off the shelf, his came installed. Maybe that’s why. It did get me thinking about the fact that there might be something better out there. I’m not saying I am going to cheat on my GpS, but the fact is, men are shallow like that and the GpS makers know it.

Burning Obama

In certain parts of the world they love burning effigies. India is one place in particular and Pakistan. When you consider those countries mutual love of cricket and effigy burning, you wonder why they don’t get on better.
As Obama looms as a likely contender for the next president, I wonder if the professional effigy burners have started practicing creating his likeness. A little too early you think? Well no. Effigy burners take their craft very seriously. They are probably working on a John Mc Cain and an Obama. Different coloured paper of course and McCain’s chubby cheeks mean they will use a bit more on his head, but these are the things that serious effigy builders have to think about.
There must have been a sigh of relief when Hillary dropped out of the race. The suits that they put on the Obama or McCain effigies will be the left over George W ones, but if Hillary had taken over as boss of the world super power, then the poor old effigy designers would have had to go out and invest in a whole lot of ladies suit pants. And that would have been costly.
Speaking of Pakistan, I see the lawyers have been protesting again.
Think about street protests. You are normally lookin at hundreds of feral hippie types with long hair, Mohawks and pierced noses. The two oddest street protests I’ve ever seen are the suited up lawyers in Pakistan and the Buddhist monks in Myanmar. Rioting monks? It just doesn’t make sense, but at least those robes would allow you to throw your rocks and shake your fists. I don’t know if a suit is the right thing to wear to a protest, but I’ll tell you who’s cleaning up, literally. Pakistani dry cleaners. Because no lawyer, even a protesting Pakistani one, is going to turn up to court in a smelly suit.

Love me blog? Get the book.

Imagine if you could take all the best bits of a year of my brain dribble and cram it into a small handy to carry around collection of pages.
But wait! there's more...
Actually, there isnt. that's it.
I made a book of my fav bloggy bits from the last year and wacked them in a book.
If you click on the little button on the right you can go check it out.
To be honest it aint really a bragin at 23 US plus shipping, but i had fun puttting it together.
So there ya go.

Beirut’s Hall of Fame and the wanking president.

Up in the hills behind Beirut is one of Lebanon’s best-kept tourist attraction secrets. The Hall of Fame. A house full of life like silicon dummies. Well, they’re not all dummies. Albert Einstein is there, and the pope. He was freaky, either his head was a little small of his hands were a little big. The joint is fricken hilarious. Little sensors trigger some of them off and they talk or sing to you over the sound of the little motors that drive the body movements. The late Yasser Arafat is there. I thought he was broken, he wasn’t talking but his lips were vibrating.
‘Mechanical error?’ I enquired. ‘
Oh no explained our guide. As you know he had Parkinson’s before he died’…. Fair enough.
Leonardo Da Vinchi looked cool, although the Mexican blanket he was wearing seemed a little odd, but my favorite men were all together. Saddam Hussein and right next to him George W and Bill. George didn’t talk but check out the video footage. He has shifty little eyes like the baddie from Thunder Birds. An accident? I think not. And Bill was brilliant. He was delivering the 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman,' speech over and over and it was combined with some interesting hand movements. An accident? Not from a team that recreated the quivering lips of someone with Parkinson’s.

Church merch

Holy water, they should bottle this stuff… hang on, they do. When I found it in the church shop I wished I had come in dressed as a vampire, but I guess they see that gag played out all the time. I spilt someone my wife to see if the stuff was for real. It didn’t make he skin burn so I think the stuff could be fake.
The Catholic Church is right into its merchandise; I haven’t seen this much stuff for sale since I went to a Rolling Stones concert. I also got a cool little bracelet. Funny thing is it looks very similar to the Hezbollah bracelet I bought the day before. Almost looks like they come from the same factory. Now that’s an interesting though isn’t it?