Lost Vegas

Some words of mine on Beirut

2011-05-23T13:27:00.000-07:00

http://www.listener.co.nz/lifestyle/travel/the-new-beirut

Horror plan for the pacific.

2011-03-13T00:25:00.000-08:00

The NZ Government plans to take over the Pacific islands and turn them into giant resorts and factories for making coconut shell related goods. The islanders are to be shipped to a concentration camp set up in Western Springs Park.
They have it all mapped out.

Dental technology

2010-11-21T14:45:00.000-08:00

Every now and then technology takes such a huge leap forward it takes a while for the world to catch up. Velcro shoes is a great example, vegemite in a tube is another. Today, I asked a work mate for some dental floss and my well cared for mouth dropped open when I saw what she produced. A pack so small that it took my lovely minty fresh breath away. If they can do this to a pack of dental floss it makes you wonder why the rest of the world's problems haven't been solved. Im talking about the big ones like how to get Lindsay Lohan clean and how to deflate Donatella Versace's lips. The dental scientists who came up with this marvel of modern packaging should be moved onto other projects post haste.

Hobbit horrors

2010-10-25T13:15:00.000-07:00

I watched LOTR in the weekend and now I see why the actors are up in arms. I couldn't believe the treatment dished out to cast, but the Hobbits in particular. They had to face Orcs, Dead Horsemen and monsters made of fire, they had to sleep rough out in the open and only had crappy elven bread to eat. If you have ever been on a quest then you know how bland and unnutritional elven bread is. And lets not forget, the young Hobbits did all of this in BARE FEET.
I would hope that the first thing on the list of demands from the union is footwear for the Hobbits. If they are going to have their own film this is the perfect time for them to stand up for their rights. Shame on you Peter Jackson.

If my blog was a pot plant it would be dead by now

2010-07-14T03:43:00.000-07:00

June 3 was my last update. Me poor old blog has withered and died from lack of attention. Partly distracted this week by the Tour de France. Lovely scenery. Bit like taking a close up look at Rod Stewart's model railway set. I love pro cycling. A place where men who like to shave their legs can be together without being judged. I dont know if banning the steroids is worth it. They all seem to want to use them so why not just let them. Be kind of cool to see incredible hulk type characters peddling away. I wonder if thats why they wear latex? So their bodies can expand.
Loving the cold war spy action thats been goin on with the yanks trading some russian spies for some of theirs. I hear that part of the deal was that the CIA tried to get the Russians to take David Hasselhoff, Kenny G and Paris HIlton but the Russkies refused.

Here's a link to me talking about stuff to In Business magazine. I made it to the cover as well. It's my first cover. Always hoped it would be French Vouge but this will do.

The poor mans embassy

2010-06-03T21:33:00.000-07:00

I went for my interview at the Australian embassy here in Abu Dhabi to get my new passport. Offered to sing Waltzing Matilda to prove my ozziness but it wasn't required. New Zealand doesn't have an embassy in Abu Dhabi. They have a consulate in Dubai. Got me thinking. Why a consulate not an embassy? Is that the equivilent of house versus hotel in monopoly? Poorer countries cant afford to have embassies everywhere like the big boys so they go for the smaller cheaper consulate option. I wonder if sometime a country asks the host nation if they can call their consulate an embassy so it seems a bit more important? There is probably an international regulatory body who inspect consulates the way they inspect hotels to decide how many stars they deserve. New Zealand has lots of consulates and a few embassies. Maybe it works the other way round too. What if someone like America told a small unimportant nation 'we have decided to open a consulate in your country' That's a super power's way of saying 'you aint all that'. I bet America doesnt open consulates in countries that have lots of oil. Abundant oil resources would guarrantee you an embassy i reckon. Wasnt all that impress by the Australian embassy. Thought it should have been decorated like one of those Walkabout Pubs, and the security guard should have had a hat with corks dangling off it, but he didn't. Not even a stuff Kangaroo in reception and a choice of tea coffee or Four x. Just a few of the suggestions i jotted down on the back of my passport application for the ambassador to read. I expect they will get back to me soon about my ideas. Cheers mate.

Ozzie ozzie ozzie ? ? ?

2010-06-01T10:58:00.000-07:00

Got an interview at the Australian embassy tomorrow for my new passport. My wife is a kiwi. She just sends her old one off with some new photos and that's it. For Australians you have to go in and have a 'interview'. I'm not sure what to expect but I'm taking no chances. I've been swatting up all day. I know the winners of the Grand Final for the last 20 years. Every Midnight Oil Album title and the lyrics to 'Beds are burning'. I also know four jokes that involve kiwis and sheep shagging and I can drink a can of Fosters in under 53 seconds. I'm quietly confident.

Things are blowing up in Iran

2010-04-24T01:23:00.000-07:00

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has been in the news talking about explosions again. But this time he wants a population explosion.
This week, the president who's name is used in tongue twister drinking games around the world (not Iran) has told his people to get out and make the earth move, or get into bed and make the earth move. Whatever floats your boat. Cant help but feel this is sending mixed messages to the good people of Iran but I bet they like the second message better.
Iran have a two child policy which I think works a little better than the 2.5 kids model. It's the half a kid I always worry about. Not only because they would get picked on in school but also the extra strain on the medical services with all these mutant half children walking about. Or dragging themselves along the footpath with their hands if they are only a top half. A family with two parents and kids is called a nuclear family. I'm glad President Ahmadinejad didn't go on about nuclear families in his statement, that would just be a red rag to Israel and United State's bull wouldn't it.

Iranian Missile Crisis

2010-04-19T23:17:00.000-07:00

Saw this headline and can't help wondering what all the fuss is about. I mean, if it takes that long for an Iranian Missile to get to America it must going really really slow. Even a guy in a micro light with an air rifle could probably get up there and shoot it down. I have a better idea Iran. Why don't you get DHL to deliver your missile. They could get it to America in a few days.
If the Iranians really want to cause carnage in the west they should talk to Iceland about borrowing one of their volcanoes. How many more do they have hiding under the glaciers? And speaking of glaciers, I thought Al Gore reckoned they would all be gone by now. Maybe if global warming was a little more advanced and all the glaciers were gone we would be able to spot those troublesome volcanoes that have been hiding under the ice.

BAD TOUCHING

2010-04-13T04:26:00.000-07:00

I saw on the news that they are putting out adult content in braille. Guess it doesn’t matter if masturbating makes you go blind now. I wonder if the stories could be ribbed for extra pleasure.
If Braille readers want to have safe sex reading maybe they will have to wear latex gloves.
I wonder if the word G spot will be a G or just a spot. Maybe you could have a big bump with a tiny bump on top of it, and that could be a boob.
Mind you, in a braille porno mag a blind person would have to watch out for the staples in the centre fold.
Porn Braille – for people who like to do it with the lights off.

Finger lickin God

2010-04-10T23:40:00.000-07:00

The Shroud of Turin is goin on display for the first time in 10 years and when i saw it on telly last night I couldn't help noticing that the mysterious image looks a little like Colonel Saunders when he has his contact lenses in.
How many secret herbs and spices are there. 11 or is it 12?
One sure way to find out would be to test the shroud for chicken grease.

To talk of toast

2010-04-09T22:09:00.001-07:00

Article I just wrote for the good folks at Media Week about a new, exciting, golden brown advertising medium.

Engrish

2010-04-06T22:41:00.001-07:00

It wasn't his driving I rang to complain about.

School sports day me hearties.

2010-02-21T22:01:00.000-08:00

The wife told me it is our daughters school sports day tomorrow. Then she said it was also Pirate day. What a cool idea. Every school does sports day. How many do Pirate Sports day? There could be a competition to dig a hole to bury a chest. A running race where you have to keep the parrot on your shoulder. Walk the plank and get points of for the way you jump off. A wooden leg race instead of a three-legged race. The winner could get pieces of eight instead of medals and then we could all drink rum. My wife said the rum was a bad idea because the kids would be too drunk to do their lessons in the afternoon. She rang me later to say it is pirate day next week so sports day tomorrow will be the same old same old. Pity, I was ready me hearties!

Excerpts from Badly Drawn Planet

2009-11-22T07:04:00.001-08:00

Here are a few of me etchings from my latest book Badly Drawn Planet. This book would make the perfect Christmas gift for anyone on the planet ... except me cause I got a free one from the lovely people at Summersdale.

Nigerian Scam Emails. A new course.

2009-11-14T22:46:00.000-08:00

I got this email the other day. In fact it came to me twice and I’m excited. I have blogged before about the dire state of the Nigerian Email scam business. Their need to change, evolve with the market. Stop banging out the same old stories. That’s why this one was a breath of fresh air.

From: Captain J. M. K.
Efax:- +1-773-337-9207
Satellite Phone:- +88-216-210-156-56
Mobile:- +966-595-178-607
Private Email:- captainjmk@gmail.com

Dear Sir:

My name is Captain J. M. K. of the USS Cole (DDG 67), during one of our expedition, some pirates were intercepted on the High sea about 30 miles from the coast of Yemen by my team and some huge of money were recovered from them.

This money has been shared among some of us who are privy to the information and I really want to move my own share to safe custody and also for any viable investment.

Nothing much is requested from you except TRUST and MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING, as I am ready and willing to transfer my own share of this money to you for safe keeping and further disbursement while you will be given some percentage for your effort.

If you agree to assist me in this transaction, do let me know so that I can give you more information.

I will really be expecting your urgent response.

Regards

Captain J.M. K.

This email marks a huge step forward for those scamming pricks. It has pirates, the US Navy, a sexy enigmatic main character in Captain J.M.K, and it’s based on a topical event. You can’t make this shit up … well, ok , you can, but I’m hooked. Really. I feel like responding and then sending them the money they will no doubt need to free up the funds, just to reward them for their extra efforts. Ok, so the English is still a bit ropey. I imagine that the captain of a guided missile destroyer has a better grasp of the written word, but then again, knowing the dire state of America’s education system, maybe not. And fuck it, the gullible bastards that fall for this stuff wont notice anyway. Good on you Nigeria email scammers. Good to see you responding to the tough economic times.

Having a blast in the Leb

2009-11-11T20:59:00.000-08:00

Been thinking about guns a bit lately. This week, Mikhail Kalashnikov the inventor of the AK47 turned 90. If I had a choice between being the guy who invented the AK47 and the guy who invented Velcro, I would pick the AK47. I hope someone made him a cake shaped like an AK47 with 90 little candles that look like bullets. Actually, I bet he got that when he turned 47. That would have been funnier. Speaking of guns, I had a shooting weekend in Lebanon. Brilliant fun. Car loads of unshaven men roaring into the Beqaa valley with trunks full of guns. The humble Matwa was the target. Bigger than a sparrow, smaller than a pigeon. Fast little buggers and they have a habit of flying low. Hundreds of men standing in fields, blasting away. What could possibly go wrong? A few things as it happened. The count at the end of the weekend was 1 dead and 9 injured. And I’m not talking about the Matwa. As a result the Lebanese government has banned the sport. It was already illegal but none of the soldiers or police at the numerous checkpoints on the way into the valley seemed to care that we were all off for a few hours of bang bang. It will be a different story from now on they reckon so I’m glad I got in there last weekend.

Saint Obama

2009-11-02T19:02:00.000-08:00

The new shiny Nobel prize is sitting on his desk. Now, could his minders be positioning him for an even more celestial award?

Printmen Review

2009-09-25T22:14:00.000-07:00

I dont know who Yondette Larsen is but I love her cause she loves me book.

http://www.satellite.ac.nz/articles/reviews/2009/09/book-review-printmen/

The Fridge Space Race

2009-08-19T07:32:00.000-07:00

Media Week ME Aug 9

NASA recently celebrated the 40th anniversary of man landing on the moon. It was meant to be a monkey on the moon, because NASA originally sent primates into space, but the scientists freaked out after watching Planet of the Apes and decided to go with humans. When I think of the moon landing I see the classic example of the client trying to save some money by cutting out their agency and film company, and doing the job themselves. The footage of Neil Armstrong is amateur to say the least. Bad lighting, only one camera angle. Conspiracy theorists will tell you the moon landing was shot in a studio. No way. If it had, it would have looked much better. I bet NASA regretted not forking out for a film crew and someone from their ad agency to go along on Apollo 11. And what about the talent. Neil Armstrong only had two lines and he still stuffed it up. ‘That’s one small step for man’ was supposed to be ‘That’s one small step for A man.’ NASA should have spent the extra money on hiring a professional actor, instead of roping in one of their staff. Look at Tom Hanks. He went into space and had heaps of lines and he nailed it. Apparently the modern fridge has more computing power than Apollo 11 did, and that got me thinking. Why don’t we send fridges into space instead of men? Think about it. If a fridge from earth, landed on another planet that contained life forms, what kind of impression would that make? Obviously they’d deduce that we are so busy and have so much cool stuff happening on our little green rock, that we don’t have time to fly around looking for aliens. This is automatically going to make us a must visit destination and we need an edge people. In case you didn’t know, the universe in infinite, so there are a lot of planets in lots of galaxies competing for that visiting space alien market. A fridge full of yummy food is a classy way to say hi. When one lands on the planet of the aliens who are responsible for all the anal probes, I imagine they’re going to feel pretty embarrassed. The only downside to our gastronomic gidday is that we’ll have to be careful with the expiry dates. It would be a shame for our first contact with an advanced race to be when their lawyers issue legal proceeding for food poising. When it comes to deciding what food to send, we can get those rich food companies to pay for the privilege. This would help fund the space program, rather than the poor old American taxpayer, and that way they their tax dollars can be put towards invading more countries. Imagine the publicity spin offs for a food manufacturer when they get a quote from an alien who has just arrived here that goes something like ‘ I traveled 45 light years for the cool refreshing taste of Nescafe Iced Coffee. I propose we send a selection of the planet’s greatest perishables, designed to titillate the taste buds and impress potential new visitors. We should definitely send ‘I cant believe it’s not butter’ and some real butter, so they wont be able to believe it for themselves. The space shuttle had a faulty O-ring, but I’ve never had a bad onion ring, so we should send some of those and a decent selection of low fat items would be advisable as well. Think about it. You never see chubby aliens. Those grays with the big eyes look like they watch their weight. Sending fridges into space would be a lot cheaper than rockets. You don’t even need one of the fancy ones with the built in ice dispenser, because there’s plenty of ice in space. The path to the final frontier starts in the kitchen. Forget ‘We come in peace.’ Lets go with peas and frozen carrots.

Printmen The movie

2009-08-14T00:56:00.000-07:00

See the movie based on the book that is based on fingerprints.

MY NEW BOOK IS OUT NOW

2009-08-09T20:31:00.000-07:00

If you only buy 83 books this year, make sure Printmen is one of them. If you liked my stickmen books as much as my mum did, you will love this. Unless you hate fingerprints made into little people say stupid stuff, in which case you will hate this book.

HERES WHAT THE EXPERTS ARE SAYING ABOUT THE BOOK THAT HAS THE WHOLE WORLD TALKING*

‘If the guys from Weta can work out how to animate this, I’ll make the movie.’
P Jackson

‘Get out of my hotel room or I’ll call the police!’ J K Rowlings

‘Jesus. They made a book out of that?’ the Pope

‘How did you get this number?’ Barack Obama

‘How did you get this number?’ Osama Bin Laden

‘I have no fingerprints. They were burned off in a fight on a planet of lava with Obi Wan Kenobi.‘ Darth Vader

*for the purposes of this post 'the whole world' is defined as my immediate family.

Carbs rule.

2009-07-27T20:29:00.000-07:00

Mr Potato head is 60 years old. That he has out lived his arch nemesis Doctor Atkins must make him feel pretty good. Bet he laughs about that at night while he sits on his couch in his Darth Vader costume watching Toy Story 1 & 2 on DVD over and over again.

Dental Deceit

2009-07-27T20:26:00.000-07:00

(article I just wrote for MEdia Week ME)

Yet another survey has come out proclaiming that when it comes to trustworthiness, ad men rank way down on the list. Lawyers are down there with us, and my mum, who has one of each, forced our sister to become a social worker to try and offset some of the bad karma. You know who should be dwelling in the cellar with us? Dentists. First plaque, then tartar, then they discovered you have to clean your tongue. Your tongue? People actually fell for that. I bet, in their defense, dentist’s say it was the evil ad men that put them up to it. Quite possible I’m afraid. But it would have been the strategists.
Anyhow, in the Vegas household right now we’re introducing our 6-year-old daughter to the twice-daily rigors of, round in circles, round in circles, up and down. But what I really feel like saying to her is, ‘Listen honey, don’t stress about it, you’re gonna lose them all anyway. They’re baby teeth. Save your effort for the next set.’
The other pearly white lie that comes into play when you have a kid is the tooth fairy. That winged angel of deceit. As if parents aren’t being extorted for enough cash these days, for the 55 million versions of Brat Dolls or My Favorite Ponies, we have to stump up money for every tooth the little one loses. How about instead of cash, we leave our kids a coupon under the pillow instead - $2 off the $10,000 mummy and daddy will have to have to fork out to get your second lot of teeth straightened. It’s only a matter of time before kids work out that a solitary coin per tooth just aint gonna cut. They’ll start holding out for more and once one parent gives in, all the rest of the kids in the class are going to start putting pressure on their parents. With this in mind, I have plans to set up a service to help remove the growing financial threat of the tooth fairy. For a small fee you’ll be able to buy my kit to use the night your child puts out their first tooth for collection. In the morning, little Tommy is the first witness at the scene of a tragic accident. It will appear that the tooth fairy, in her eagerness to get away with her haul, mistook the ultra clean glass for an open window. But it wasn’t the crash that killed her. Or the fall to the bedroom floor. It was when she impaled herself on little Tommy’s tooth. In an effort to keep costs down, the model won’t be super realistic. I am counting on the fact that little Tommy will be so traumatized, that he wont want to get to close to the crash site. But just to be on the safe side, parents are advised to dispose of the evidence quickly. Explain to your little Tommy, that in the unlikely event of an accident, the Tooth Fairy had asked to be buried the same way as the goldfish, and then race for the bathroom. Like Santa, there is only one tooth fairy. So the beauty of product is that only one parent in each class or neighborhood, has to do the deed. Once Tommy spreads the word about the demise of the tooth fairy to his little mates, none of them will expect to see her at their place. Although we’ve had trouble with trying to create a fake blood that matches the viscosity of fairy blood, I expect to have ‘Fairy Fatality’ ready for launch in a few months. Got a problem with your kids eating too much chocolate at Easter? I’m also researching ideas for simple mishaps that could befall basket-carrying bunnies.

If I was an electrical appliance.

2009-07-07T22:40:00.000-07:00

I would be a shaver. No question about it. Can you think of any other electrical appliance that has its own exclusive power point?
When a shaver checks into a motel or hotel with its electrical appliance mates, it must get such an ego boost when it says, 'Ok electric carving knife, phone battery recharger, ipod speakers and lap top, you guys hang out here. If you need me I will be in the bathroom plugged into the power point that says 'SHAVERS ONLY'. Being that special would make anyones circuit boards tingle.

Michael Jackson. What a bum.

2009-07-01T23:50:00.001-07:00

I don’t want to speak ill of the dead but he isn’t really dead is he. Like Elvis, MJ will live on in the collective memories of loyal groupies forever. Guys like him don’t go to heaven I reckon. They head to a special celestial PR firm. The fact he was a kiddy fiddler seemed to be counter balanced by his catchy pop songs. Maybe people would like OJ Simpson more if he had had a few radio hits. There is no doubt that Jackson was a tragic figure, too many people made too much money off the guy and that ultimately ended in his death. 50 gigs in London. What a joke. For me the thing that will always stand out is the fact he had paid someone to have a miniature version of his bum attached to his chin. I wonder if all the plastic bits get unbolted once he gets to the other side. Goodbye Michael. May you rest in pieces.

Losing the war, winning the product tie-ins

2009-06-23T22:05:00.000-07:00

(aritcle I just wrote for Media Week ME)

Communism may have failed, but the merchandise lives on. I just got back from Hong Kong and that place is awash with Chairman Mao watches, alarm clocks, little red book lighters and t-shirts galore. It was the anniversary of Tiananmen Square and the Chinese press wasn’t allowed to refer to it as a massacre, but yet it seems ok to turn their great leader into a novelty item. The wristwatches with Mao’s arm vibrating like he had Parkinsons disease, cracked me up. There obviously isn’t an office of the brand of Mao that approves these things.
Che Guevara is the ultimate commie pin up boy. I like a nice Che T shirt as much as the next bloke, but I draw the line at the pair of jeans I saw at Dubai Mall, featuring Che, spray painted in silver on the rear pockets. WTF?
There are more ex US presidents alive than at any time in history, but where’s their merchandise? I wonder if any of them feel a little bit bitter about the fact that although they helped win the battle of good versus evil, they never made it onto watches and lighters like their red counterparts. It’s not like there aren’t some good opportunities available. How about a Bill Clinton watch with little cigars for the hands. George W could do a deal with the makers of those units fro drying fruit. They could launch a big industrial sized one called George W Bush’s Weapon of Mass Desiccation.
Speaking of launches, seeing as how Gulf War 1 was basically a really big PR event for the launch of the Hummer, why didn’t they do a George Bush Senior model – ‘The Bush Hummer. It will go anywhere except Baghdad.’
Saddam Hussein missed out on a greatest commercial opportunity after the 1st Gulf War. His line ‘The mother of all battles’ was a classic that’s been adapted all over the planet. Bet he wished he’d copyrighted that beauty. George W tried to launch his own catch phrase in GW2, but ‘Mission Accomplished’ came back to bite him in the bum. It seems that the truly memorable leaders have loads of merchandise. In a million years, when alien anthropologists are sifting through the charred remains of the wasteland that was once earth, they will sort through the watches, t shirts, coffee cups and key rings in an effort to work out who was once the most powerful and revered leader on this rock. Based on the sheer volume, I think they’ll conclude it was Mickey Mouse. And that’s kind of interesting because when you think about it he has a lot in common, with Americas Presidents. A well recognized face of a large organization who is ultimately just a figurehead with no real power.

Feeding time at the aquarium. And you’re on the menu.

2009-05-24T22:28:00.000-07:00

(an article I just wrote for Media Week ME)

I took the little one to see the aquarium at the Dubai Mall the other day. The tank is impressive. I wonder how long it will be before an enterprising young creative team ask if they can stick an underwater billboard in there for a sporting goods store or water safety or waterproof cameras, blah, blah, blah.
Frankly, I thought the charge for walking though the tunnel was a rip off. The free view from outside was better. But the underwater zoo upstairs was cool. Notice how you always see the same collection of animals at a zoo. But at aquariums, there are always a few underwater freaks you’ve never seen in your life. You come out with the impression that the sea is full of teeth. Some small, some big, nearly all of them nasty. But on this trip I realized that the most dangerous sea creatures at the aquarium don’t even live in tanks. They have voracious appetites and they only feed on one thing. You and I. The Scientific name for this deadly family is – Giftsandsouvenirs. But there are a wide variety of sub species. Cuddly Dolphin, Bendy Crab key ring, Squeezey Bath Turtle. I fell victim to a nasty little glow in the dark crayfish necklace.
These dangerous creatures of the deep hunt in packs and they choose their feeding ground smartly. Rather than chase their victims, they lie in wait near the exit, and let you come to them.
A parent’s first instinct, upon realizing they’ve stumbled into a Giftsandsouvenir feeding ground, is to run. But these cunning creatures are too smart for that. They arrange themselves in bins, racks and shelves, forming an intricate maze that makes it impossible to get out without going past the final kill zone. The cash register. The whole time, the desperate cries of your child are ringing in your ears. You know that to ignore them will only trigger louder ones, so you give in and that turns the cries into squeals of delight. Annoyingly, these squeals tend to die out fast. Often before the end of the car trip home. It seems the potency of a stuffed sea creature, is related to its proximity to the Aquarium gift shop. But the sting in your wallet can last for days and that is evil genius of the oceans most lethal creatures.

Vote for me

2009-05-22T22:52:00.001-07:00

My other t shirt up for scoring at Threadless this week

My new t shirt is up for voting

2009-05-22T22:47:00.000-07:00

To much power can be a dangerous thing.

2009-05-18T01:39:00.000-07:00

Article I just wrote for ME Media Week about the perils of Power Point.

We talk a lot these days about the need for brands to make an emotional connection with consumers, but what about making an emotional connection with clients? In new business presentations in particular, it seems that rather than engaging the client eye to eye, technology has made it all to easy for us to swivel towards the big screen and leave it to Power Point.
Once upon a time there was the humble pie chart and the simple but effective bar graph. They used to appear together on overhead projectors and pretty much had the place to themselves. But then in the 80’s they got married and proceeded to create a family of Brad and Angelina sized proportions. Pie Chart and Bar Graph’s kids have fancy names like Brand Matrix, Brand Onion, and Insight Pyramid.
The big problem with Power Point is it gives someone who wouldn’t normally be able to address a large group of people, the power to do just that. In the wrong hands too much Power Point can be a dangerous weapon, turning a boardroom into a bored room faster than you can say ‘pass me the laser pointer’.
For an agency pitching for new business, the temptation to overdo the Power Point presentation is driven by the urge to demonstrate to the client that they understand their business and have put a lot of time and thinking into the meeting.
A smart client shouldn’t fall for quantity over quality. If I was a client, I’d force the agency to restrict it’s strategic presentation to a handful of slides, forcing them to distill their thinking down to its very essence.
Next time you’re planning a presso, consider going Jedi. Remember the scene in Star Wars when Obi Wan is teaching Luke to use his light saber and he makes him put on a blindfold and ‘use the force’? Now I’m not suggesting you blind fold the clients (although that could be interesting). I mean, switch off the Power Point, turn away from the big screen and tap into your own creative force.
It doesn’t have to be all talk. Look for a more interesting way to show the client you understand the fundamentals of their business. There’s a great story about the Saatchi brothers pitching for British Rail back in the day. The client arrived at the agency for the presentation, only to be told that the team wasn’t ready yet and to have a seat. The client waited in reception. Patiently at first, but after repeatedly being told the meeting would start soon, they stormed back to the lift in a huff. Waiting to greet them on the ground floor were the Saatchi brothers who said, ‘Now you know exactly how thousands of your customers feel each day.’ Then they invited the surprised client back upstairs for the meeting.
If you can come up with an entertaining and relevant way to make your point, why wouldn’t you do it? Creative thinking is what clients come to their ad agency for and that doesn’t have to start with the work. So unplug that Power Point. Your presentation wont be the only thing that benefits. Ever noticed how 90% of presentations start with you all sitting around making uncomfortable small talk, while a nervous Indian guy tries to get the boardroom computer system working? I’m pretty sure that IT stands for ‘IT’s not working’. Maybe that’s technology’s way of telling us to go ahead and do IT ourselves.

The difference between mummies and zombies

2009-05-16T19:49:00.000-07:00

The difference is only skin deep. Well, just above the skin actually. And there's a lesson there for all of us.

Poo

2009-04-29T23:20:00.000-07:00

This is a t shirt my friend Paul Akiki and I have up for voting on Threadless at the moment. You can go vote for it by clicking on it if you want....

Pole Position

2009-04-29T01:47:00.001-07:00

So my friends have started pole dancing classes. I thought they were joking but it turns out there really is such a thing. My first thought was that it is great that strippers can turn their skills into a job when the allure of the strip club fades. My four friends are all women. I don’t think many guys would sign up for pole dancing, but apparently it’s a hardcore workout. Actually, I kind of got that impression from the routines I have seen over the years. I’m not sure how my friends plan to use their new found skills, but I wonder if a pole dancer finds it hard to walk past a street sign without getting the urge to do a quick twirl. The woman doing the classes reckons they tried to get pole dancing into the Olympics. Fair enough, the equipment is already there and it would be a lot more audience friendly than pole vaulting.

Swine Flu coming to a tv near you

2009-04-27T22:02:00.000-07:00

You know who wins? The chickens. After all the bad PR they have put up with they must be chuffed that another animal is copping the bad press about passing lurgies onto the humans. Given the choice of swine flu or bird flu i would go for the avian strain. Just seems cleaner. Maybe if they have to do a public awareness campaign on swine flu they could use Porky Pig. People like him and he seems healthy. Or maybe Spiderpig form the SImpons movie. Or Babe the pig. People respond well to movie stars telling them what to do.

Radio Ga Ga

2009-04-27T22:01:00.000-07:00

If you have a young child and a car you’ve done this.
They insist on you playing one of their crappy nursery rhyme or fairytale CD’s as you drive them to school or a friend's house. You drop them off and continue on your merry way, only to discover a few minutes later that you are still singing along.

The Bain of my life

2009-04-22T08:59:00.001-07:00

Is it just me or is the David Bain trial goin on way to long? It's a bit like Twin Peaks. The 80's tv series that started off really good but by the end you were kind of over it and wished it would finish. I'm not even in NZ, I am following the trial over the interweb and I am bored. I know justice has to be done, but does it have to be so boring. And by boring i mean slow and tedious. I thought David Bain was jailed for his crimes regarding the wearing of cardigans. Turns out there was more to it, but come on justice system. Chop chop. Your trial is taking up valuable cm's on the internet that could be full of what Lindsay Lohan is up to.

Sign of the times

2009-04-18T11:19:00.001-07:00

Spotted this guy working outside Next Neon, one of Abu Dhabi premier sign makers. He was putting the finishing touches to an M, but my friend Nick pointed out it could also be an E or even a W if it wanted to. That made me reflect on just how versatile this humble letter M is. It’s the kind of letter we need during these tough economic times. Able to multi task, turn its hand to many … positions. Trust me folks. This is the kind of letter that is going to see us through the tough times and back into the sunshine. Letter M. I salute you.

I'm a big fan

2009-04-11T00:06:00.000-07:00

In the ad game you often get tasked with coming up with names for products. Maybe that's why this fan caught my eye. It dominates the ceiling in one of Abu Dhabi's new trendy bars called the Yacht Club, where Lebanese ladies meet to see who has the biggest shiniest handbag.
It's a big fan. A really big fan. In one of those crap hollywood b grade horror films, this is the fan that would be going at the high school prom and the phyco would set the speed to 10 and there would be lots of fast cuts between the teenagers having fun on the dance floor and the fan shaking loose and then it would drop and there would a shot of a wall getting sprayed in blood as 30 kids were decapitated.
So what do name a company that makes really really big fans. Sometimes, the first idea that pops into your head is the right one.

Mr Happy, Mr Grumpy

2009-04-06T21:47:00.001-07:00

Can you guess which of these coin operated rides was made before the credit crunch and which one was made after? I had this great theory that kids wouldn’t want to ride Mr grumpy and instead, would be drawn to Mr happy car, but after observing the rides for half an hour I discovered kids don’t give a toss.

Coldplay and rubbish bags in Abu Dhabi.

2009-03-29T01:07:00.000-07:00

Top performance by Cold Play in the grounds of the 7 star Emirates Palace last night. Dug the surreal lightening display that went on throughout the gig. Guess it was Gods way of saying, ‘Stuff Earth Hour I don’t turn my lights off for no one.’ Unfortunately with the lightening came rain. I don’t mind rain at an outdoor gig especially in the Middle East because it’s warm rain. It’s warm like the water the hairdresser uses to wash your hair. You know how they hold the little nozzle under their hand till the temp is just perfect and then they start washing? In the Middle East the rain god does the same thing before he dumps a deluge on you. Millions of little drops of urine temperature water plopping down on you. Back in the 90’s at the one-day cricket at Eden Park, before they banned booze sales in the second innings, you did used to feel the same thing, except it was drops of urine falling out of the sky. Well, out of the cups of the guy’s 12 rows back.
No, I don’t mind rain but some people do. They mind it so much in fact that they would rather wear rubbish bags than get wet. Who started that retarded trend? Which genius decided to cut holes for arms and head and throw on a plastic bag? Probably a pissed guy who was trying to dress up as a homeless guy for a joke. But it caught on! Do concert goers read the weather report and think ‘Might be chance of rain. Better put a giant rubbish bag in my pocket? The Cold Play concert was carbon neutral apparently. I guess the thousands of rubbish bags on their way to the landfill today don’t count.
Great gig from a top band but the sound seemed a bit crap for a while. There was this staticky hiss in the air. Then I realized it was the sound of hundreds of rubbish bag wearing plonkers rustling in time to the songs.

Lebanon and New Zealand. The U2 connection.

2009-03-23T00:50:00.000-07:00

Cedars of Lebanon is a track on the new U2 album. Bloody brilliant album by the way. This track means Lebanon joins NZ as the second country to have a tree related song written about it by the world’s greatest rock band.
NZ got One Tree Hill, the tribute to a kiwi who worked for the band and died just before the Joshua Tree album came out. So the way I see it, this U2 tree connection brings our two countries together. We are like brother and sister. New Zealand can be the good-looking brother who is really good at sport and Lebanon can be the wild slightly slutty (in a good way) sister. We can go out and get drunk together. Not that Lebanese people need an excuse to get drunk as my Lebanese mate pointed out.
Maybe that’s why it seems like all Lebanese food was created by someone with a hangover. Incidentally you might not be aware that Shakespeare was Lebanese? My mate Habib told me. And if you don’t believe it the facts are on the interweb.
Other famous people Lebanon are trying to claim. The bloke who thought up the idea of sticking wheels on suitcases and the maker of cookies and cream ice cream.

Quite a malling

2009-03-21T21:44:00.001-07:00

The streets are emptying in Dubai, which is great if you are trying to get around that city by town. Scientists reckon that at this rate, by July there will be approximately 1 mall for every 8 people. That is not a reflection on the how few people there will be left but more on how many malls there are in that town.

Dracula fish discovered in Borneo

2009-03-14T19:38:00.000-07:00

Isn’t this just the kind of news headline you like to see.
Eye catching and intriguing. Wow! I thought. How freaky. A fish that is afraid of garlic and crosses, sleeps in a coffin and wears a tiny little black cape….
Well no. Turns out this fish just has little fangs. I’m sorry, no disrespect to the 17mm member of the Cypriniform group of carp like fishes, but having fangs doesn’t make you Dracula. No one looks at a snake and says ‘Hey wow. A Dracula snake.’
Misled by the mainstream media again. And in a stream in the deepest darkest part of Burma a little fish has had his 15 minutes of fame.

A measure of mass by country

2009-03-10T21:35:00.001-07:00

There was a Mass shooting in Alabama today. What constitutes a mass? 10 people. Oddly though the definition of mass changes by nation. 33 people were killed by a suicide bomber in Iraq yesterday but I didn’t the read the word mass in conjunction with that anywhere. Wonder how many Iraqi’s have to die to make a mass?

Hay hay.

2009-03-08T20:30:00.000-07:00

If you thought the only thing that came out of Poland were electricians and plumbers who end up working in England, then check this out. I had no idea there was such a thing as export quality hay but here it is. Apparently Polish hay is so wild they have to keep it in cages.

Mia’s Meat Pillow.

2009-03-03T21:31:00.000-08:00

So my sister just had a baby yesterday. Her first. 6 pounds. Why do they always refer to babies weight in pounds? Is it because if you made it kilograms it would remind you of vegetables? '2.72 kilograms of onion thanks.'
Saw a pic of Mia Rose. Cute as a button, in that new born baby way. All babies look like grumpy old men when they are born. Fair enough too. About being grumpy. I mean all your life has been like one long free flotation tank session. Warm dark and wet. Suddenly you are pushed out through a door that is WAY to small, into a cold brightly lit room. It’s traumatic. And that’s just the start. Then you get boob shoved in your face. What the F! You’ve never seen one of these before. You have no idea what you’re meant to do. It’s like being smothered with a meat pillow. No wonder newborn babies cry and look so pissed off. They just want to go back. Welcome to the planet Mia, hope you enjoy your stay. Sorry it’s a bit of a mess.

The Guantanamo Problem

2009-03-01T21:39:00.000-08:00

Article I just wrote for those lovely people at Media Week Middle East

http://content.yudu.com/Library/A14ooq/MediaWeekMiddleEast1/resources/10.htm

Shrinking Economy? Shrink your Air force

2009-02-28T22:27:00.000-08:00

Budgets are shrinking, why not planes? I saw these little remote control jets buzzing around at an air show recently and I thought to myself, that’s the way of the future. I know the US have predator drones but they don’t look like planes. These things are miniature versions of the real thing and when they were airborne you couldn’t tell if they were miniature planes or real ones just a bit further away. It would be the same for your enemy wouldn’t it?
Small planes mean small runways, smaller hangers and smaller amounts of fuel. Those savings ad up. And your Naval air force can build much smaller aircraft carriers.
But it’s not just about money. It’s also about stealth. Would these little guys show up on enemy radar? Doubt it. And imagine if you were in a dogfight with a plane this small. It would be hard to see?
Everything cool is getting smaller. ipods, Kate Winslet, why not air forces?
Because these planes are remote controlled you don’t need pilots. So no more testosterone laden blokes high fiving each other on the runway after they’ve buzzed the tower. But speaking of Top Gun, Tom Cruise is a little guy. He might actually fit in one of these planes. Maybe for air forces that still want that personal touch they could put tiny pilots in the planes. Midgets perhaps. Or monkeys. Maybe all those monkeys that went up into space in the 60’s. They’re probably all sitting around getting fat trying to work out how to recapture the thrills of their glory days. Bet they would work for next to nothing just for the chance to get airborne again.

It takes balls to survive the credit crunch.

2009-02-21T08:41:00.001-08:00

Article I wrote for ME Media Week.

If ever we needed evidence that the economic downturn is hitting the UAE, cast your eyes over this picture. The old toss the ball in the milk can and win a stupid stuffed animal game. Looks so easy doesn’t it? Well it does to my 6 year-old daughter. ‘Go on Daddy. Win me one.’ I hear the unspoken message in those words – ‘All the other dads can do it. If you really love me you’ll get me that giant stuffed white thing which is based loosely on a lion, that I have been madly in love with for the past 25 seconds.’
This game is a scam, as any father who has given in to his child’s pleading and eyelid fluttering will tell you. For a start, the balls are way bigger than the little white one we see popping into the milk can in this picture. Much bigger. So big in fact I suspect even if you do manage to get it over the hole, it wont fit in. I haven’t been able to confirm this yet because the rims of these milk cans were designed by NASA scientists. You know how they used to calculate the angles so a spaceship would catch the gravity of the moon and slingshot back to earth? They’ve applied the same theory to the rims of the milk cans. The ball catches the rim, spins round and flies off into some distant Emirate.
See the little i? That stands for IDIOT. They can get away with that, because they know you’ll try anyway. The guys who work these stalls have degrees in child psychology. Notice how after each miss, they smile nicely and say ‘Try again sir?’ This is subtly aimed at your kid and their reaction is always ‘Oh yes daddy. Please. Please.’
What is that white four-legged thing you can win? White lion? Polar bear? Or some hideous genetically modified mixture of the two. Are we helping to fund gruesome genetic experiments by playing this game? Is that the sick twisted truth? I suggested that to my daughter. She just pointed longingly at the mountain of white fluff and fluttered her eyelids again. They always have loads of those mutant animals stacked up. As if to say, ‘We know all you super skilled men will be talking loads of these home so we have to stock up.’
But times are changing. Things are tougher now. Not the game thankfully. I guess if they wanted to take it to the next level they could introduce basketballs. Or hook you up to a car battery, so you get an electric shock each time you miss.
What’s different is there aren’t so many suckers lining up to part with their cash. The milk can boys know why. Not only are the smiling financial assassins in those booths trained in child psychology, they also watch the world’s financial markets with falcon like intensity. Fair enough. Apart running around picking up all the oversized balls, and taking your money, there isn’t a lot to do is there? Their tweaking of the token to ball ratio is in direct response to what’s happening around the world. Wondering when this financial rollercoaster of doom is going to bottom out?
Forget watching the markets or wading through the endless predictions from business boffins around the globe. Keep an eye on your local milk can stand. When the prices go back to normal, that’s the time to jump back into the share market.

The human stock market

2009-02-04T18:45:00.000-08:00

We all know one humnan life isn’t worth the same as another. The media remind us of that all the time. For instance, last year 40 people died in Afganistan courtesy of a suicide bomber. 40 is the number of Afganis that need to die in one go to make front page news. If it had only been 20 it wouldn’t have got the same coverage. But if there had been just 5 Americans in that market. Boom! The story would have blown up.
I wonder if there is a ranking system set up somewhere where mathematicians and media experts work together to rank the most valuable of us in terms of centimeters of newspapers space and seconds of TV coverage?
Grim thought I know. But say it did exist, then I bet ya it wouldn’t be long before people worked out how to make money off it by betting on different nationalities moving up and down the ladder.

How do you sell a country?

2009-02-03T04:58:00.000-08:00

I worked on the NZ Tourism pitch at M&C Saatchi in 99. The winning work was pretty predictable. Postcard style shots of pretty scenery. Ironically the pitch started with the client saying that’s what they didn’t want, but a look around the world shows it’s the standard creative solution when you’re selling a country. If you have castles or temples you can wack a few of them in as well and ideally you finish it off with a short snappy line like ‘Malaysia Truly Asia’.
I know the Australian campaign ‘Where the bloody hell are ya?’ got a rough reception when it came out. It was viewed as crass and not appropriate to air in some places, but I liked it. It worked within the same framework as the standard tourism advertising, but they managed to inject a real dose of Aussie personality. For my money, the new Baz Lurhman work lives in that predictable ‘lets make the destination high brow and sexy.’ But it really only sells rich people on the idea they need to get out of the city and go for a swim. The huge amounts of money and flash DOP have washed out any real Australian character. And no, I don’t count a half naked barefoot aboriginal girl as Australian character.
As the fight for tourist dollars intensifies, nations are going to have to dig a bit deeper for a unique voice and a way to get noticed in the ‘come and visit us’ clutter.
The challenges facing the UAE are interesting. Rather than a national brand, Abu Dhabi and Dubai have been blazing separate paths. I understand a national campaign is planned and I am sure it will be laden with camels, coffee pots and falcons, but lets be honest, that is not what a holiday in the UAE is about now, and the developments happening around the country mean the Arabian nights angle will be even less relevant in the years to come. This is perhaps one of the only holiday destinations in the world where a tourist can spend a whole week and not even interact with a local. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, it’s just the reality, but what the UAE is working hard to create is a place that will be a must visit destination. A few years from now a holidaymaker’s itinerary could read something like this. A visit to recreated French town, a pyramid, the world’s largest indoor ski field, the first Ferrari theme park, a water park, the Guggenheim, the tallest building in the world and tons of shopping centers. UAEverything. How about that for a positioning.
Here are a few thoughts that might work for some other places.
Sex sells so I don’t think Brazil need to look further than, ‘Visit the country that gave us the Brazilian.
People are becoming increasingly weight conscious, so maybe France should go with – ‘French bread, French fries. There’s so more to us than carbs.’
Afghanistan – You’ve tried the biscuit you’ve seen the hound, now visit the country.
Or. We’ve been fighting over this place for hundreds of years. Come and see what all the fuss is about.
Nigeria. Visit and we’ll stop sending you emails.
Cambodia. We got rid of Gary Glitter and we’re working on the landmines.
America. We got rid of George Bush.

Dubai’s great cross conspiracy

2009-01-31T20:37:00.000-08:00

A while ago, a guy I know told me that the reason you never see the Burj Al Arab photographed from front on, out at sea, is because the design features the largest cross in the Middle East. That’s why I was surprised to see this shot on the front page of The National, Abu Dhabi’s main newspaper. You can see for yourself, it does look like a cross. But it also looks like the mast of a ship, which is the theme of the design. According to my ‘source’ he reckons it was done on purpose by the architect. Some kind of subversive Christian plan…. Not so sure. For my money the greatest crime perpetrated by the Burj Al Arab is the interior decorating. Imagine Lenny Kravitz and Hugh Hefner set up an interior decorating company. That’s the look they have captured so well. That might be why they don’t let the general public do walk in’s.

Somalian Pirates. A brand that’s off course

2008-12-15T07:07:00.000-08:00

You gotta feel for those guys. Lets start with the obvious aesthetics. Skinny guys, (and a lot of Somalians are) just don’t look good holding AK47’s. It is not a skinny man’s gun. The Mujahideen got away with it because they wear a lot of bulky clothing to fill out their figures. But those Somalians look kind of awkward. If I was in charge of styling them I’d suggest something like the Heckler & Koch HK MP5. Small and compact it makes the guy holding it look bigger than he is, and when you’re are centimeters above sea level in a fishing canoe with an outboard, trying to talk to a sailor 15 meters above you in a 500,000 ton oil tanker, you need all the presence you can muster .
But the Somalians have bigger problems that cut to the very essence of their brand and that’s the fact they call themselves pirates. The pirate brand that has been around for centuries and instantly conjures up images with the consumer. Thanks to Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean series, the brand has had resurgence among youngsters and so often happens in conflicts around the globe, it is the children who are suffering in Somalia. Imagine a little kid in a Somalian school who proudly tells his classmates that his dad is a pirate. ‘Does he know Johnny Depp?’ would be one of the first questions. ‘What kind of hat does he wear? Does he let you hold his sword? Does his captain have an octopus for a face? Do you buy your lunch with pieces of gold that your mum gets out of a chest buried in the backyard?’ Sadly, the answers to all these questions is no. Then the kid pulls out a picture of a skinny guy struggling to hold a rusty old AK47. The class burst out laughing and the damage is done.
There is an obvious gap between the pirate brand as the consumer knows it and the Somalian version and if they are not careful the next generation of young Somalians will not want to take up their fathers sea faring profession. A few eye patches some skull and cross bone flags and a captain who looks like Geoffrey Rush aint gonna fix this problem. Somalian pirates need to sit down with a branding agency, probably a really flash one from London because they seem to be all the rage, and work out how to put their stamp on this famous brand. With the worldwide economic crisis growing it wont be long before the Somalian pirates are facing competition from other nations. Take the Japanese for example. You just know that if they decided to get into the pirating business they are going to do it right with all the cool gear. If the Somalians don’t act now their brand risks being sunk on the high seas.

A wee bit more

2008-12-11T22:09:00.000-08:00

As well as installing the new bathroom I read that on the last mission to the space station they were testing the urine recycling plant.
How do you test a urine recycling plant?
sip sip – ‘Yuck’
sip sip – No, still tastes like piss
sip sip – Not quite so bad.
sip sip – Yeah, not great still a bit wee weeish
sip sip – Fuck it, that’s close enough.

The waste of space station

2008-11-25T07:32:00.000-08:00

So I was reading about the latest trip to the space station. They went up to install a bathroom among other things. A bathroom… Must be hard to attach tap fitting wearing those chunky astronaut gloves. It got me thinking about project men start. “’Honey I’m going to redo the bathroom’
‘But Dan. You’re an astronaut. You don’t know anything about plumbing.’
‘How hard can it be Shirley? Your brother is a plumber. Besides, it’s a weekend project. I’ll just do a little bit at a time.’
And there in lies the problem. The job just goes on and on. And the tension in the house builds as Shirley points out that the weekend project has been going on for 2 years!
That’s why the space station is so perfect. It’s in space. Shirley and the rest of the planet cant see it.
Mission Control ‘Hey guys, how's that bathroom looking?’
Astronaut – ‘Oh yeah, pretty good Houston. Ah, we should have it done in a few more weekends.
Mission Control – ‘You guys know it costs about 15 million to get you up there for a weekend.’
(long pause)
Astronaut – Listen. Do you guys want this job done quick or properly?
Mission Control – Can we at least see a picture of how it is looking?
(long pause)
Astronaut – You know the picture in the catalogue? It’s going to look like that.
Mission Control – Going to?
Astronaut –YEAH. IN A FEW MORE WEEKENDS!

The mother of all prime numbers

2008-10-08T00:25:00.000-07:00

Apparently some maths nerds just found a 13 billion digit prime number. Good timing. The US government will probably need that to calculate the cost of the war in Iraq in a year or so.
Lost Vegas hint - If you meet one of the maths nerd who made the discovery and he starts telling you the story about this new mega prime number, don't let him draw it for you.

What the deep fried banana said to the pineapple.

2008-09-01T01:34:00.000-07:00

So me - a Kiwi slash Aussie is at a South American Restaurant in Abu Dhabi with some poms and a French chick and a Scottish bloke.
How fercken international is that? .. but that’s not what this dribble is about.
I wanna talk about fruit. Talking fruit. Well not actually talking. For the fruit to talk there would really have needed to be a vegetable in the mix… I’m thinking mushrooms. Small harmless looking ones boiled in a bit of water…
But I digress. Where was I?
Oh, that’s right talking fruit. Or, more accurately. What the fruit would have said if it could talk. Because we all know fruit can’t talk. Although, if there is anywhere in the world where they could afford to hire the scientists and linguists to devote the time and study to get fruit to talk, it’s here in Abu Dhabi. Richest city in the world don’t ya know. That’s why I’m here by the way. Whoring myself as an advertising slapper.
But I digress. Again. Sorry
So. We’re at this South American BarBQ restaurant where they bring you all this meat on big blades and if you want some they slice it off. Now it’s not only meat. There’s a salad bar and they bring you little bowls with your dose of carbs. Deep-fried polenta, hash browns… by the way, that’s weird eh. I always thought of hash browns as a breakfast food.
But it gets weirder. Also lurking in the bowl are these sections of banana. Deep-fried with a breadcrumb coating. Banana? With meat? What the hell?
I know. I was thinking that too. But it works.
So I got thinking about the concept of fruit with your main. The idea of promoting the food group from the back of the menu just before the special coffee. That’s when a guy turned up with a grilled pineapple on his giant blade and I realized that pineapple is a fruit that has always partied in the main section. Albeit as a partner to ham. So there you go, banana wasn’t the first, and that was comforting for the banana I thought, because you can imagine it out in the kitchen, lying there amongst the meat and veg. It’s a bit nervous, worrying about how it will be accepted by the punters. After all, it has only really ever featured in tandem with ice cream and cherries or on a platter with some of its relations and suddenly here it is. Going out with the first wave. Nice then that the pineapple is there to give some helpful words of encouragement. I imagine it would say something like, 'Don’t worry mate. They ‘re going to love you. I’ve been doing this since the 70’s. Cherries come with me sometimes, but to be honest I do most of the work. You’ll do fine kid. Just be the best banana you can be.’
What the pineapple is actually thinking is ‘Look at you with your breadcrumb covering for added appeal. I go out au natural. Just me. No dressing up. You’ve got props.’ But the pineapple wouldn’t say that. Not to the banana because he can see the little guy is shitting himself.

A kick in the arse for order.

2008-08-28T23:00:00.001-07:00

As a society we need rules. It’s just how we’re programmed. Rules and order bring stability to our lives and help us function. From the beginning of time we have felt the urge to bring order to our lives. For example. Cave men built walls of small pebbles at the entrances of their caves to mark in and out paths. This was so the guys dragging women back home by their hair to satisfy another urge, wouldn’t bump into the men dragging the woolly mammoth bones out to the trailer to take to the tip on clean up day (usually a Thursday, because there were no weekends in prehistoric times, so they could do chores like going to the tip and mowing the lawns whenever they wanted. Not mowing lawns so much because there wasn't much grass and what grass there was got eaten by the Wooly Mammoths. That was a bonus, but the downside was the Wooly Mammoths shit all over the place and so while the cavemen didn't have to mow lawns they did spend a lot of time cleaning up huge plies of shit. After a couple of thousand years of this the cavemen decided they would rather mow lawns than spend hours up to their elbows in poo, so they hunted the Wooly Mammoths to extinction.)
In the modern world some of our urges have to be suppressed. For example, we don’t drag women around by the hair anymore. That urge has been tucked away in the 'inactive projects' section of our brain, but the need for order in all things is still as strong as ever. It permeates every facet of our lives which is why it will come as no surprise that I saw large ripples across the normally still waters of the pond of order the other day, when I spied this very unorthodox footwear.
Is it a shoe? A quick glance may seed that impression with you. But look again…yes, those sides are disturbingly open. There are small holes that allow a view of the toes (in this case the white sock from the owners ’25 pairs of socks for 50 cents’ pack is covering them)
So our natural conclusion is to class this as a sandal yes? But no. There’s way too much fake leather for this to be classed as a sandal. How much is too much? I've sent one of these... things... to the Sandal Affairs Directorate headquarters in Guam for precise measurement by a team of Norwegian scientists using lasers and one of those rulers with the slidey things on it. But even to the untrained eye (by untrained I mean an eye that hasn’t been in the head of a person that has attended the Sandal Affairs 5 year Sandal Identification course) it is clear that this item of footwear exceeds the amount of covering that enables it to exist under the classification of sandal.
My friend Raphael, who has very little going on in his life, took the time most people would spend having a life, to consider the monstrosity you see before you and he came up with name SCHWANDAL.
Not a shoe, not a sandal. A freak. An outcast destined to inhabit that desolate wasteland between the two official and approved types of footwear. This is the child playing in the minefield out in no mans land people. This is unacceptable. This brings chaos where there was order and it goes against everything our forefathers set in motion when those first rocks were arranged like little stony motorway lane barriers at the entrance to their caves.
Slip on a shoe, pull on a sandal, but there is no room in our modern civilized society for a SCHWANDAL. They must be stamped out. The owner of this particular pair got a beating, caveman style and then we burned his Schwandals on a ceremonial funeral pyre. He’ll thank us later and I am pretty sure he’s going to tell the police that he doesn’t want to go ahead and press charges.

Obama's running mate

2008-08-25T12:09:00.000-07:00

Running mate. Sounds very olympian so what a good time to announce his choice. And smart move to go for the white old guy. Their theme song should be that paula abdul classic 'We come together because opposites attract.'
I gotta say, the guy looks the part.
personally I thought my idea to get the guy who invented survivor to create a show called 'Americas next vice president' and hosted by Donald Trump was the way to go. Maybe next time.

But I feel sorry for the other contenders who Obama was considering for the role who have gone home empty handed.

David Hasselhoff
Danny Devito
Tom Cruise's chef
Donald Trump's hair
The guy who liked the razoor so much he bought the company
Hulk Hogan
The incredible Hulk
Ben & Jerry
The keyboard player from Hootie and the blowfish
Gladys Knight
one of the pips
The hamburgler

All great candidates and Obama was at pains to explain to them all, individually, that it was a really close thing. He was especially careful when he spoke to the incredible hulk. You don't want to piss that guy off. No matter how many secret service agents you got watching your back.

Did they shave their legs on the Death Star?

2008-08-11T21:11:00.001-07:00

I know this all happened along long time ago in a galaxy far away but why did the guys in the firing room on the Death Star wear helmets? Was there a concern that they might bump their heads on something? The Death Star was still being built. It was technically a construction zone I guess. But how come the Admiral of the fleet didn’t get to wear a helmet. Him and his mates had to wear naff looking cloth caps that made them look like play mobil characters.

Perhaps there’s another reason behind the big black helmets. They look very similar to the ones worn by Olympic indoor cyclists.

Could it be that the team in the firing room were sportsmen who worked on the death star part time, attracted by the flexible hours that allowed them to get out on the track? If so, this raises alarming questions about the standard of the people the dark side were hiring.
Mind you, I can see the thinking behind hiring cyclists. They shave their legs and that would have made slipping into the tight black pants that were standard Death Star Issue, a lot easier. But I wonder… when the little man on the left pushed the button that activated the beam that blew princess Leigh’s planet of Alderon to hell, was he thinking, ‘A thousand voices are about to cry out and then be suddenly silenced, and I’m the man.’ Or was he thinking about shaving a few seconds off his lap time at the velodrome, or, shaving his legs?

Pain in Spain but not on the train

2008-07-27T00:40:00.000-07:00

Hola! The word invented by U2 for their 2004 song vertigo and now adopted by the people of Spain.

I’ve come to Spain to look at cool buildings and drink their beer but I’m never one to miss the chance for a new tattoo. Found Voodoo Tattoo in Barcelona. I’m not familiar with Spanish tattooing traditions but as you can see from the pic they wont do tattoos of dogs, cigarettes or hamburgers… that was a blow because I was going to get a tat of a smoking dog but it will have wait till we are in a country where they are a little more open minded.
Also spotted another old lady with crazy hair for my ‘Old ladies with crazy hair’ collection. Bonus!
Arrived Madrid yesterday. We came by bullet train. I love traveling by train because unlike planes, you don’t have to put up your tray table 10 minutes before you arrive, you don’t have to wear a seat belt and your electronic devices don’t affect the navigation equipment. A much cooler way to travel.
Madrid is famous for being home to the Beckhams and to remind you of that there is a 50ft statue of David Beckham in the centre of town made out of posh’s unsold solo albums and jeans.

Aunt Betty’s Hair

2008-07-21T00:14:00.000-07:00

If a teenager dyes her hair violet, shes ‘goin off the rails’ 'rebelling against society’ ‘falling in with the wrong crowd’.
BUT.
If Aunty Betty does it, shes just still only dear old Aunty Betty who still like a Sherry and the odd fluter on the horses.

That’s ageist.

Box a soldiers

2008-07-20T23:24:00.000-07:00

Found these guys for sale. Like you I was instantly reminded of the lyrics from the hit song by Martika

'Step by step, heart to heart, left right left, We all fall down like toy soldiers.'

They seem really cheap. But i think that's because they're dead.

In case things dont work out for Obama

2008-07-19T11:02:00.000-07:00

Just a thought I wanted to get in before anyone else does. I think Obama will probably take out the election, unless the republicans have another voting machine trick up their sleeves.
BUT. If Obama misses out then the papers will need a headline to go with the day after the election. OR weeks after if it turns into a protracted legal battle.
I was thinking about this because I’m in London at the moment, home of the world’s best newspaper headlines. I’m talking magic like "Bananas in Pyjamas," that ran during the Michael Jackson trial.
Don’t know if there is any money in headline ideas for newspaper headlines but I humbly submit this little pearler.
O BUMMER 08

X & Z…not the album

2008-07-19T10:40:00.000-07:00

I’m no fan of that 80’s shop naming habit of replacing the s with a z. Hairdressers were especially guilty of this branding crime. Wavez, Cutz, Snipz. It wasn’t jazzy or clever. It looked retarded. As did calling something fast like a food or photocopying shop, Xpress.
BUT. I have to say I will make an exception for ChopstiX in portabello.
Why?
Because with the use of clever graphic design, they incorporated a pair of chopsticks into their logo. Which totally justifies the use of the X in the name.
Hats off.
If there’s an international competition for Chinese Takeaway names, then I smell GOLD.

Samir Kuntar

2008-07-17T07:06:00.000-07:00

Samir Kuntar, the Lebanese freedom fighter/terroist (depending on your point of view) who was jailed for 542 years at the age of16 has been freed by the Israelis. He went in in 79.
ABBA were still huge back then.
With the new Mamma Mia film in the headlines now as Samir comes out, I wonder if he thinks that ABBA is still huge and have been all this time. I think someone needs to explain to him that ABBA were hated during the 80’s and most of the 90’s. It would be embarrassing for us if he thinks we have been obsessed with them all this time.

Instruction book bollocks

2008-07-14T08:42:00.001-07:00

You know that feeling when you buy something electronic and it comes with a really big, thick instruction book and you think ‘dam, I didn’t realise this glow in the dark X-Files themed toaster/fax machine was going to be so hard to learn to operate’ and then you open the book and it turns out there is only one page of instructions but it is translated into 85 other languages and that’s why it’s so thick…… I love that feeling.

Lets clear the air on the Beijing Olympics.

2008-07-07T03:08:00.000-07:00

The old style Olympics was all well and good. Athletes from around the globe, at the top of their game, performing to the absolute limit of human ability for the enjoyment and wonderment of all.
But those wise Olympic bosses saw the writing on the wall, they realized that athletes and spectators needed something more. So the brains trust got to thinking. How could they up the odds?
The answer was blowing in the wind. Pollution.
Why not make things a little tougher for competitors. Sure, they can run, pedal paddle, lift, throw, shoot and jump. But can they do it while they breath in liters and liters of toxic air? Surely that would be the ultimate test of an athlete’s ability.
The IOC searched the world for just the right city. It needed the perfect blend of infrastructure and polluted atmosphere.
Many cities put up their hand but when it came down to the nitty gritty they failed to deliver on the really shitty, smoggy, toxic atmosphere the IOC was looking for.
Finally, Beijing made the grade. But only after promising to step up their pollution output ahead of the big games.
All credit to the city. They have surpassed expectations and the world can look forward to the new style Olympics. Not so much of a look, as more of a squinty peer through the murky haze.
And it wont just be the performances that are affected. The pollution will enhance the events in other ways.
The running races will have an added element of the unknown for spectators because they wont be able to see the whole track. Imagine the thrill sitting near the finish line. You can hear the running feet, but you have to wait till the last second for the competitors to emerge from the smog to see who is going to win.
In the cycling, the flash new smog lights fitted to the bikes will give us all a glimpse of the future of pedal power.
We’ve all seen laser light shows. But wait till you see the way lasers bounce off thick clouds of dark toxic factory smoke in the opening ceremony. The site of thousands of spectators and competitors crammed into the stadium, all wearing their communist red gas masks will be a proud moment for all the citizens of the planet. If I could sum up these games in one word. It would be SMOKIN!

The bags behind global warming.

2008-07-06T00:13:00.001-07:00

It‘s a worrying new trend that is threatening our very existence. Big chunky gold and silver handbags that look like they are made out of leftover NASA space suit material.
Not only is the trend growing, so are the size of the handbags.
Why are these bags so much bigger now? Do ladies suddenly have a lot more stuff to carry around?
Do you want to know why Al Gore will never be seen carrying one of these? Their reflective power.
Scientists have discovered that the combination of a huge number of bags and their large, reflective surface area, means they’re directly contributing to global warming.
Before the collective gasp of distressed fashion victims reverberates round our hot little planet, I am not advocating the banning of these bags.
There’s a simple solution.
Scientists have invented a special, matt varnish spray that can be applied to the bags to reduce the shine and glare.
Children, armed with cans of this earth saving spray will be sent out around the malls of the world to offer this service free of charge. These children will be pulled from sweat shops across Asia and will naturally be thrilled to be out from behind their sewing machines so it’s a win win.

Hummer Love

2008-07-02T20:44:00.000-07:00

It’s is the classic expat cliché. Come to the Middle East and buy a Hummer. Hummer, famous for having the most expensive launch event ever. That would be Gulf War 1. The mother of all car launches. Anyway, 17 years on the hummer aint the new kid on the block anymore. It was cool to have a hummer here in the UAE a couple of years ago, but the cashed up car nuts who change their cars like their undies have moved on. The new Rover is the in thing this month.

What about our carbon footprint you ask? Well with a Hummer it is more of an army issue desert boot print, but my theory is, if all this fighting and stress over the price of oil wasn’t around, we would all be better off. How do we sort that out? Get rid of the oil. Use it up. Fast. And my friends, doing 160 k’s between Abu Dhabi and Dubai is a good way to use it up.

The Hummer is big. I’ve never had an SUV, never really wanted one, but now I have had a taste of it, it would be hard to go back. Before we got the Hummer we were renting a VW polo. I have filled that with pine scented dishwashing liquid and hung it form the hummers rear view mirror.
The Hummer is high off the ground.
It’s a climb to get in, but once you’re there it’s worth it. Kind of like getting to the top of Everest. The Hummer is so high off the ground that at Hummer dealerships, one of the optional extras is a midget lady who lives in the spare tyre compartment and comes round offering you a choice of chicken or fish on long trips.
Judder bars are a thing of the past. When you’re in a car that was designed to be able to drive over small desert villages without stopping, a judder bar is just a joke.

We got the H3. It’s totally different to the H1 and 2. Each model that comes out seems to have a little more of the sharp edges taken off. It’s sad how that happens. The Hummer caught the imagination of the nation because it looked different to all the pussy cars we were used to seeing. It wasn’t smooth and curvy, it was boxy with sharp corners and low to the ground. Arnie wanted one. And back in 91 he was still kind of cool, in a larger than life Hollywood way. But the H3 is a shadow of its early days. Looks to me like the result of endless focus groups and research meetings that have tried to pander to the soccer mum crowd. Bit of chrome here, smooth those front corners, put some pretty taillights on it. Any more tweaks and they might as well slap a Hyundai logo on its arse.
The H4 will probably suck and buy the time it comes out Arnie will be the only guy rich enough to fill it with gas, so we are living the dream now.
The wife likes to keep it clean, but I think a Hummer looks better dirty. It also makes it look like I have been off roading.
The pressure about getting a big 4x4 like a hummer is everyone says ‘have you taken it off road yet?’ and when you say no, they give you that slightly disappointed look. I parked outside a restaurant the other day and road works were going on out front so I had to drive up on the curb to park… does that count? … Not really eh.

All you need is love

2008-06-29T02:54:00.000-07:00

How can the world take a leader seriously when he dresses like he is going to a sergeant peppers lonely hearts club fancy dress party?

Oh, that's right. No one does.

Why polar bears cant retire.

2008-06-29T00:57:00.000-07:00

Another story in the paper today about the disappearing ice at the North pole. But last week there was a story that they found ice on Mars, so doesn’t that kind of cancel things out. The universe giveeth and the universe taketh away type thing.
The only thing that bums me out about the ice disappearing is the poor old polar bears. If you were a typical polar bear couple and you bought a little section of ice in the 70’s, its melted away to fuck all now. There goes the retirement nest egg.
There was a polar bear at Auckland zoo in the 80’s who started turning green. It wasn’t the lack of ice I don’t think. They painted the concrete white to make it look like ice and the polar bear probably really liked that. Ice without the chill. When he told his mates back home they probably thought he was tripping and his green fur would have confirmed that for them. I think the green was caused by a fungal infection but maybe he was from mars. They have ice there.
They also found out that the soil on mars is perfect for growing asparagus. So guys, if you are in the loo and you see a little green man he might be a human in fancy dress. But if his wee wee is really smelly, then there is a good chance he’s a martian.

Plasma penis

2008-06-26T22:29:00.000-07:00

It’s all about the inches isn’t it? For penises and TV’s.
We just went up to a 42 at home and I have to say the wife and I are both loving the extra width.
It’s funny when you think about it. With electronics it is all about making things smaller. Ipods, cameras, phones. Except for tv’s. When it comes to them, bigger is better. More inches. Sure, the side profile is shrinking faster than George W’s credibility, but the screens are blowin up!
I guess technology means tv’s will keep getting bigger and bigger. Like the hole in the ozone. Or the gap between rich and poor.
When it comes to penises it is a different story. At some point the penises enlargement regulatory body has to say enough! If they don’t, someone is going to get hurt.
I get a lot of spam about penis enlargements ‘add extra inches’ etc, and I was thinking this is something the TV industry should look into. The concept of adding extra inches to your existing screen is a cool idea. Don’t know how they would do it, but I bet there is a scientist in korea who knows.
If I got spam about that, I’d click the button to find out more.
Those are inches I can use.

Training for the comeback

2008-06-24T22:16:00.001-07:00

We are all consumers in god's eyes

2008-06-23T01:25:00.000-07:00

Evil Mo

2008-06-21T21:16:00.000-07:00

This is from a new book of stupid drawings I am working on to follow up the highly crafted stickmen series

GpS love

2008-06-19T08:59:00.000-07:00

I am spending time with another woman. But only in the car and my wife knows. In fact, the three of us hang out together sometimes. She ‘s a bit older than us. In her 40’s. But this is a lady who knows where she’s going.

‘In One point five kilometers turn left’
‘In One kilometer turn left’
‘In two hundred meters turn left’
‘Turn left.’

And if I don’t turn left? If I just keep going. Do I hear…..
‘I said LEFT you DICK HEAD. Why don’t you listen to me’

No I don’t.
Instead, there is a short pause and then, in a calm, relaxing voice, she says one word …..

‘Recalculating’.

It’s a great way to live. It’s changed my life. I am secretly hoping my wife picks up on the idea round the house.

‘Honey put out the rubbish in the next hour ’
‘Honey put out the rubbish in the next half hour ’
‘Honey put out the rubbish in the next fifteen minutes’
‘Honey put out the rubbish.’

`Recalculating………Honey put out the rubbish in the next two days.’

Maybe when she is fully used to life with GpS, I can use the style when I am at the pub and have to text her.

‘Hi babe, at the pub home in one hour
‘Hi babe, at the pub home in half an hour
‘Hi babe, at the pub home in fifteen minutes
Recalculating…….
‘Hi babe, at the pub home in one hour

I love my GpS and I am committed to it, but I couldn’t help noticing when I went of ride in a friends BMW X5 the other day that his GpS lady sounds younger and sexier than mine. I think it might be my GpS ladies hotter younger sister.
I bought mine off the shelf, his came installed. Maybe that’s why. It did get me thinking about the fact that there might be something better out there. I’m not saying I am going to cheat on my GpS, but the fact is, men are shallow like that and the GpS makers know it.

Burning Obama

2008-06-16T07:05:00.000-07:00

In certain parts of the world they love burning effigies. India is one place in particular and Pakistan. When you consider those countries mutual love of cricket and effigy burning, you wonder why they don’t get on better.
As Obama looms as a likely contender for the next president, I wonder if the professional effigy burners have started practicing creating his likeness. A little too early you think? Well no. Effigy burners take their craft very seriously. They are probably working on a John Mc Cain and an Obama. Different coloured paper of course and McCain’s chubby cheeks mean they will use a bit more on his head, but these are the things that serious effigy builders have to think about.
There must have been a sigh of relief when Hillary dropped out of the race. The suits that they put on the Obama or McCain effigies will be the left over George W ones, but if Hillary had taken over as boss of the world super power, then the poor old effigy designers would have had to go out and invest in a whole lot of ladies suit pants. And that would have been costly.
Speaking of Pakistan, I see the lawyers have been protesting again.
Think about street protests. You are normally lookin at hundreds of feral hippie types with long hair, Mohawks and pierced noses. The two oddest street protests I’ve ever seen are the suited up lawyers in Pakistan and the Buddhist monks in Myanmar. Rioting monks? It just doesn’t make sense, but at least those robes would allow you to throw your rocks and shake your fists. I don’t know if a suit is the right thing to wear to a protest, but I’ll tell you who’s cleaning up, literally. Pakistani dry cleaners. Because no lawyer, even a protesting Pakistani one, is going to turn up to court in a smelly suit.

Love me blog? Get the book.

2008-06-09T07:54:00.000-07:00

Imagine if you could take all the best bits of a year of my brain dribble and cram it into a small handy to carry around collection of pages.
But wait! there's more...
Actually, there isnt. that's it.
I made a book of my fav bloggy bits from the last year and wacked them in a book.
If you click on the little button on the right you can go check it out.
To be honest it aint really a bragin at 23 US plus shipping, but i had fun puttting it together.
So there ya go.

Beirut’s Hall of Fame and the wanking president.

2008-06-07T02:35:00.000-07:00

Up in the hills behind Beirut is one of Lebanon’s best-kept tourist attraction secrets. The Hall of Fame. A house full of life like silicon dummies. Well, they’re not all dummies. Albert Einstein is there, and the pope. He was freaky, either his head was a little small of his hands were a little big. The joint is fricken hilarious. Little sensors trigger some of them off and they talk or sing to you over the sound of the little motors that drive the body movements. The late Yasser Arafat is there. I thought he was broken, he wasn’t talking but his lips were vibrating.
‘Mechanical error?’ I enquired. ‘
Oh no explained our guide. As you know he had Parkinson’s before he died’…. Fair enough.
Leonardo Da Vinchi looked cool, although the Mexican blanket he was wearing seemed a little odd, but my favorite men were all together. Saddam Hussein and right next to him George W and Bill. George didn’t talk but check out the video footage. He has shifty little eyes like the baddie from Thunder Birds. An accident? I think not. And Bill was brilliant. He was delivering the 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman,' speech over and over and it was combined with some interesting hand movements. An accident? Not from a team that recreated the quivering lips of someone with Parkinson’s.

Church merch

2008-06-04T02:31:00.001-07:00

Holy water, they should bottle this stuff… hang on, they do. When I found it in the church shop I wished I had come in dressed as a vampire, but I guess they see that gag played out all the time. I spilt someone my wife to see if the stuff was for real. It didn’t make he skin burn so I think the stuff could be fake.
The Catholic Church is right into its merchandise; I haven’t seen this much stuff for sale since I went to a Rolling Stones concert. I also got a cool little bracelet. Funny thing is it looks very similar to the Hezbollah bracelet I bought the day before. Almost looks like they come from the same factory. Now that’s an interesting though isn’t it?

Shootin in Beirut. But not bullets

2008-06-02T04:33:00.001-07:00

I’ve been in Beirut for a few days now and I got to say, it is a cool town. The town that wouldn’t die they called it on account of all the fighting that has gone on here over the years. Every third building looks like it has a bad case of acne, but it’s not. They’re bullet holes. A plasterer could make a lot of money here touching up buildings. Or maybe not. Perhaps no one bothers because they know their walls will only get pocked again. I hope not.
If Beirut were a person it would be the really friendly cool guy or girl that everyone likes, but who has had a long run of real bad luck but who everyone hopes is going to be able to get back on his or her feet.
Like a lot of Middle Eastern towns this city looks like it could do with a good clean and a new coat of paint, but if they painted it now it would probably be camouflage. The army is all over the place, manning roadblocks and generally looking really bored. That’s on account of the recent troubles with Hezbollah and the fact they have a new president. Dangerous job, being president of Lebanon. 6 days one of them lasted before he was assassinated.
I was surprised to see tanks and armored vehicles parked round the city, but after being on the roads for a while you see why. Nothing quite says ‘get the hell out of my way like a tank appearing in your rear view mirror. There are way too many cars in Beirut and nowhere to park, but if you’re in a tank, you can park anywhere, on anything.
Apart from the cool people, cool bars, great food, amazing weather, great shops and general cool vibe, you know what I really like about this place? Everywhere you go you see little plastic chairs outside on the footpath. Sometimes there’s just one, but usually there are two or three. And men sit in them from early in the morning, till late late at night and they sit and watch the world go by and shoot the shit. Which is probably something they couldn’t do back when there was real shooting go on.
If you’re wondering about the photo of the tank, I wasn’t trying to be arty. They army get funny about you taking pics of them and they have guns so I didn’t want to argue. I think they also have maps because they were really helpful when it came to giving you directions.

So long you old bag

2008-05-27T10:33:00.000-07:00

Goodbye plastic shopping bag. Yes, you’ve been helping to pollute our environment, you use our natural resources and consume energy in your creation and yes, you fill the land fills and clog our waterways with your bad impersonation of a really really big condom.
But I choose to remember the goodtimes. Your usefulness. Oh how you were welcomed with open arms in the late 70’s and early 80’s. The look of the future. A giant technological leap forward in the transportation of grocery items. You were stronger, lighter and more efficient. As the CD was to vinyl, you were to the old brown paper bag. As I plonked you down in between the microwave and the kitchen whiz, I could feel the winds of change on that formica bench top.
Mum loved you. She used to roll you up into little balls and put you in a draw beside the kitchen sink, When I needed something to collect dead crabs in, I turned to you. Sure I couldn’t put you over my head, cut out holes and make a mask, like I had with the old paper shopping bags. But I ‘d grown out of that shit anyway. You were water proof and for a kid, that is a useful product benefit.
You got involved in charity work. When mum had old clothes to give to the Salvation Army, you were there to hold them. When we needed something to hold all the newspapers for recycling. You were there. How ironic.
But it wasn’t all one big joy ride home from the super market in the back of mum’s Honda civic was it?
Throughout the 80’s and on toward the end of the millennium, there was one fraternity that steadfastly refused to acknowledge you. You never got the respect you deserved from the TV and movie industry did you? Despite all your hard work, those arty film types acted like you had never been invented. Time after time the props department would whip up an old brown paper bag for the scene where groceries were being carried. Why? Who really knows. Some say the clean straight lines of the paper bag were more ascetically pleasing. I know it hurt you and now your time is over.
The very people you served so well for all these years are turning against you. You and your kind are being run out of town. You’ve become the ABBA of bags. Loved intensely, then tossed aside in embarrassment with claims that you were never really liked that much anyway. I know it hurts you; this is a pain you will take to your grave and mull over during the decades it will take for you to break down.
If there is one consolation for you, it’s that inner city dog lovers will have to find something else to pick up dog with.

It isn’t Iran that has wiped Israel off the face of the earth. It’s Ikea

2008-05-25T05:14:00.000-07:00

Maybe the pen really is mightier than the sword.
Check out this is giant map of the world I found on sale at Ikea in Abu Dhabi.
Now take a close look at the in-house modifications they’ve made. With a flick of the wrist, Israel has been removed.

Bouncy Castle Bollocks

2008-05-23T23:09:00.000-07:00

It’s hard being a parent. As well as remembering to feed them and check on them when you leave them locked in the car out in the pub car park, you have to find things to do with them at the weekends.
Time waster of choice in our house at the moment is the bouncy castle, and the sprog and I fit in some bounce time most weekends. But here’s the thing. It isn’t a bouncy castle; it’s a bouncy teapot. Whoever heard of a bouncy teapot? No one. That’s why we all still call it a bouncy castle. Luckily Frankie hasn’t asked me why we refer to it as a bouncy castle, but what if she does? That’s something they haven’t covered on Doctor Phil or Oprah. And it does beg the question why someone felt compelled to bother creating another bouncy object when the castle has served the children of the world so well.
Was it an entrepreneurial bouncy castle employee who spied a niche in the market? Did he talk to some kids and find out that while the castle and its princess and dragon connotations were all well and good, what they really fantasized about bouncing inside, was a teapot? Did he take this idea to his boss in the form of a power point presentation? Was he laughed out of the bouncy boardroom? Or bounced out??? Did that propel him to go out and form his own bouncy business. Is he the apple to Microsoft in the bouncy shit for children to play on world? Just seems like a waste of time. Especially when there are so many untapped opportunities in the bouncy castle world. For example, why not build houses the way they make bouncy castles? In earthquake prone places, like china, you wouldn’t get horrific body counts. The buildings would wobble around, which would be fun for the kids, and then it would be all over. In a hurricane the houses wouldn’t blow over and debris wouldn’t blow around and hurt people. The houses would just blow away. Come home drunk to a bouncy house and it doesn’t matter is you fall over on the stairs. Drive home drunk and run into the side of your house and you just bouncy off. Next morning when the wife throws the toaster at you that will hurt like hell, but when you hit the floor unconscious, you don’t end up with secondary injuries.
I guess what I am getting at is the bouncy castle industry needs to stop jumping around and have a good think about what they already have. There is so much unexplored potential with the castles; I just don’t see the need to go off designing teapots.

Instruction book bollocks

2008-05-20T23:20:00.001-07:00

You know that feeling when you buy something electronic and it comes with a really big, thick instruction book and you think ‘shit, I didn’t realise this half toaster half fax machine was going to be so hard to earn to operate’ and then you open the book and it turns out there is only one page of instructions but it is translated into 85 other languages and that’s why it’s so thick…… I love that feeling. I wish you could get that in a pill (legally) or a drink.

Love pub quiz? The answer is yes!

2008-05-14T20:23:00.001-07:00

I think the pub quiz was thought up a couple of weeks after the pub was invented. Brendon* noticed that the crowd seemed to drop off Mon, Tue and realized he needed a way to get the punters in.
The guy was clever. He didn’t need a bunch of focus groups to work out that the big problem for a lot of people was that it was tough trying to justify to themselves or loved ones, that they should get on the piss, right after a weekend of doing just that.
The answer? Make it a little more like work than a night at the pub.
Instead of, ‘Honey, thought I might go for a few beers with the boys tonight.’ It was transformed into. ‘Babe, gotta go to pub quiz tonight. The boys really need me. I’m the go to guy for music trivia. Can’t let them down. One more win and we are in the draw for the electric powered weed trimmer.’
Genius. Not a night at the pub, a night of intellectual stimulation… in a pub.
And because Brendon was so smart he probably wrote all the questions for the first quiz himself.

*someone told me the guy who invented the pub was called Brendon. But we were at the pub at the time and they were drunk, so it could be bollocks.

Tears of progress

2008-05-09T08:24:00.000-07:00

V1 – Does that hurt?

V2 – Yes.

V1 – Does that hurt?

V2 – Yes.

V1 – Does that hurt?

V2 – Owww! Yes.

V1 – Does that hurt?

V2 - Yes

V1 – Does that hurt?

V2 – Yes.

Taken from the tests for Johnson & Johnson’s No more tears, kids shampoo.

Stickmen – the ones they tried to ban.

2008-05-02T09:02:00.000-07:00

As you may or may not know I’m the artistic genius behind the stickmen series of books. Stickmen 1, 2, Stickmen Guide to life and the soon to be released Stickmen Bumper Edition. Anyway, not all of my great drawings make it into the books for one reason or another, so I thought I might share a few with you on me blog. Here are two. One was a bit rude the other was a bit cerebral I guess.
Stay tuned for Oprah, posh Sice, JFK and many more.

Dude looks like a lady

2008-04-30T06:14:00.000-07:00

‘Ronaldo under probe’ that was the headline in the paper when one of the world’s most famous footballers was busted after going to a motel with 3 transvestites. I think the first hint he had that they were lady men, was when he caught sight of one of their ‘probes’. No this wasn’t an Eddy Murphy situation, where the boy knew what he was buying. It is a great ad for the Brazilian transvestite community. A better class of tranny. Hats off. But even if they had been real ladies, wasn’t it a bit greedy of Ronny to take 3 back to his room? Isn’t that biting off more than you can chew or are football layers allowed to bring on a substitute in bed if they get a bit knackered?
Lucky for Ronaldo, he didn’t end up chewing on anything. But with the story all over the world’s newspapers his ego must be fairly limp this morning.

Ikea push a better body image

2008-04-29T11:12:00.001-07:00

I was pleased to see the assembly plans for the shelf I bought from Ikea the other day had fuller figured stick figures in them, rather than a uber skinny ones we see so often (in my 3 stickmen books for instance) Look at these happy chubsters, ok so they have no fingers and they're building a shelf in the nude, but hats off to Ikea for breaking away from the furniture assembly industry stereo types. I'm going to eat another another pie and put a desk together.

Big Penis Problems

2008-04-27T00:07:00.000-07:00

I get like an email a week from my mum saying hi, but I get 30 asking if I want a bigger Penis. I don’t. I have never really thought it was a Problem but can 25 million sPam messages be wrong? Maybe I should get it enlarged, or engorged or lengthened or whatever it is they do to it.
If I did, if I have a few more inches wacked on, I wonder if the sperm spam would stop? If someone with a really large Penis had it made bigger wouldn’t that be dangerous? I wonder if the Society of Penis Enlargment ExPerts has a code of conduct. Some kind of database where customers can be listed so they stoP receiving the spam. Infact, that could be a good angle for the Penis enlargement spammers. ‘Get your Penis enlarged and we will stop spamming ya. Mind you, if there was a database of blokes who had had the treatment we’d all be on there sneaking a Peak wouldn’t we…. ‘Oh look at that Paul had a couple of inches. He needed it.’
If you’re wondering about the capital P’s in this entry it is because my P key on me keyboard is broken so I copied a P and am just Pasting it in as a type, should have used a lower case P I guess but didn’t realise till I was half way through this. I tell ya, not having a P key is a Pain in the arse. Its not till you don’t have it that you realise how often you use the letter P. Should have saved this blog about Penises till after my keyboard was fixed I guess

Pope on a rope

2008-04-22T05:53:00.000-07:00

I thought I invented Pope on a rope, about 8 years ago. Got really excited for about 3 minutes till I saw one on the internet. Still think it is a great idea and I thought of it the other day when I saw a story on CNN about the Pope in the US and all the souvenirs they are selling.
The scary pope, as I call him, is going around America saying sorry for all the kiddy fiddlers they employed for years and years, this is the sorry tour, the cleansing tour…get where I am going with this? Pope on a rope is fricken perfect. “Wash yourself as we wash away the sins of the Catholic church.” (holywater not required)
But doesn’t the Pope look scary. Especially when he speak in German. I try to imagine him in an SS uniform, and its not hard.
I bet Robbie Williams is pissed off with the Pope. He tried to crack the US over and over and never had much luck. The Pope goes there once and the place blows up.
I wonder if the Popes tour has groupies? I wonder if they break into the hotel and try to see the Pope, maybe try for a one on one mass with him. Mind you, I guess it wouldn’t be a mass then would it. It would be a mini.
I wonder if the Pope and his entourage ever trash their hotel rooms after a big gig? Do they get to stay in hotels? Local clergy probably offer to put them up. Bet the Pope hates that. He lives in the fricken Vatican. He has his own city. It would suck staying with some vicar in a little house tacked onto a church.
The Pope has a lot of costumes, almost as many as Elton John takes on tour. It would be hard being in charge of all that gear. You see the Pope in his bullet proof Pope mobile, you don’t see the fleet of big trucks that lug all the gear around from gig to gig and the roadies that work through the night. A Pope Tour 08 roadie jacket. Now that is a souvenir I’d pay big bucks for.

How to make new old. A woman’s quarantine magic

2008-04-03T05:37:00.000-07:00

This is how it works. Your missus goes out and buys a ‘how much did that cost?’ item. One of those dinnertime conversation stoppers, like a new pair of shoes, or a handbag. She brings it home and spirits it away to the special quarantine area, which normally seems to be somewhere dark and out of the way, that the man in her life doesn’t go, like the bottom of the wardrobe on her side under some old boxes.
The quarantine period depends on the cost of the item. In my house it seems to work out roughly about $100 a week. So, 3 weeks later Kirsty walks into the lounge wearing her $300 and something dollar pair of shoes.
Naturally my highly trained man sensors, immediately detect the new credit card draining purchase. ‘When did you get those?’ I ask.
‘These? Oh, I’ve had them for aaaages.’
And, thanks to the quarantine period, she’s right.

Update - ~Kirsty just told me it is more like $1000 a week, not $100
Ahhhhhhh

Small pox / small cocks.

2008-04-01T00:03:00.001-07:00

Polio, Leprosy, small pox, these are some of the dirty little diseases people have worked towards stamping out. Eradicating them from the planet entirely. Well I propose we add small cocks to the list. If the spam I get is anything to go by then there are hundreds of thousands of people out there prepared to help you increase the size of your schlong. This could be because of the crappy spam filter that Yahoo Xtra supply me with, but I am guessing most of you get a few of these emails right?
So we know the technology is there and we know there is lots of it. So there is no reason we cant cure every small cock right now. Today… well by next week anyway. Small peckers would be a thing of the past. Banished to the annals of history… (is annals the right word?)
I would even go so far as to say that if you gave a guy who had small pox or leprosy and a small cock and the option of a cure for one, he would go for wonder willy treatment over a solution for the scabs and coughing blood.
Lets work together to rid the world of small cocks. Lets set a realistic date of 2010 to get rid of the last tiny todger. But it is going to require all of us pulling together. Next time you get spam about penis size, don’t delete it. Forward it to someone who can use the info. I am going to contact Bono about putting on a concert to raise money to set up a mobile penis enlargement surgery unit that will travel the world adding girth and length to those people in places that don’t have access to email spam. Remember Live 8? I am proposing Live 18 inches. Details coming soon.

Picking scabs. The Adult alternative.

2008-03-29T04:05:00.001-07:00

That was one of the 12 cool things about being a kid. Scabs and the chance to pick them. The hole in your thigh, gouged out by a branch as you fell out of a tree, hurt like hell, but as the pain faded to a dull throb, there was the impending anticipation of the scab that would form. ‘Don’t pick it’ mum would say when she wandered past and caught you bent over, digging away with you index finger ‘ it will take longer to heal. Exactly. Why let your little crusty scab dry up and flake off? Where was the fun in that? Scab picking was a fine art. A lot like knowing when to harvest the grapes for a fine wine i imagine. If you picked too soon the pain was too much and it wouldn’t come away. If you left it too late, the sucker would have healed too much. If you got it just right, you could have all the fun and excitement of performing surgery on yourself and know that you could let it scab over and do it all again in a few days.
As you grow up you get less scabs. Maybe you get better at not falling over and hurting yourself. Maybe you just climb less trees and jungle gyms.
But there is an adult version.
You know when you by a new piece of electronic equipment. Stereo, clock, phone etc. And there’s that thin plastic film they put over the screen or casing to protect it? Peeling that off is the adult made equivalent, of scab picking.
Don’t you hate it when you see someone who has bought something, like a clock, stereo, phone etc and left the piece of plastic on? Why? So it can protect the screen? How can someone live with that piece of film in their life and NOT PEEL IT? Whenever I see one, and usually it is on someone’s phone, I whip it off. Stuff em. They had a chance to enjoy it themselves, but they forfeited that right when they owned the device for more than 5 minutes without peeling that sucker off.
One of the greatest feelings in the world is when you realise that there is plastic film on something that you hadn’t spotted before. This is usually on the casing of an electronic device. The casing is often black and you simply haven’t spotted the protective film. After a while it starts to peel, ever so slightly, at the edges. You spot it and think… could it be? You pick a bit, just a tiny bit, to see if you are onto something. It comes away under your nail and eureka; you know you’ve hit pay dirt. Oh the fun as you peel that large piece of sticky clear film off. Pure joy.

Farewell Fast Food Legend

2008-03-27T10:51:00.000-07:00

2 years ago it was the inventor of instant noodles, now another great name in fast food has left the building.
Herb Peterson, inventor of the Egg McMuffin, mc died at age 89 on Tuesday.
I’ll be honest I wasn’t a huge fan of the item, but you have to admire the man for coming up with an idea that was able to hold its own on a menu where burgers and fries rule the roost.
The humble Egg Mc Muffin entered this world in 1972, around breakfast time I’m guessing, and for millions of customers around the globe it has helped take the edge of Mickey D’s average coffee.
Herb, your small, palm of the hand sized breakfast snack will live on as testament to the genius of getting people to go to a burger shop first thing in the morning.

In honour of Herb, I’m going to buy an egg mc muffin tomorrow, burn it and scatter the ashes over some obese people as they leave McDonalds.

And McDonalds, could I suggest a commemorative ‘Herb Egg Mc Muffin’ for a limited time?

P.S – Apple. How come Egg Mc Muffin isn’t on spell check? It should be.

Eurover.

2008-03-26T21:28:00.001-07:00

The weak US dollar is changing the way people do business in the states. Recently a Rapper asked to be paid in Euros. The mighty greenback in on the wane. My advice to Fiddy cent. Get with times bro. Change your name to .322 Euros before you lose any more value.

A plague of bollocks

2008-03-23T09:57:00.000-07:00

So there is a plague of locusts in Al Ain in the UAE. It was in the paper yesterday. The Government is warning people not to eat them because of the pesticides. Apparently they are yummy when they are roasted, which makes them popular. Flying finger food delivered direct to your door.
Must be hard being a locust, the first thing everyone thinks is ‘Oh, I bet god sent them’. No one ever gives locusts credit for going somewhere because a shit load of them just feel like it.
And spare a thought for poor old Larry or Louis Locust. No one ever sees them as individuals. They’re just part of this big flying mass of mouths. And no one would want to be one of the poor suckers at the back. When you get to a field, thousands have already munched out. Everything has little locust bite marks all over it. But you can’t go off and eat somewhere else. Oh no. Because then you wont be part of the plague. No, you have to stay in the group. ‘It’s a great way to see the world’ your parents tell you. That’s fine, if you’re flying on the outside of the plague. But not many locusts get to do that. Most locusts just see lots of other locusts. Above them, below them, left and right. Stay tight, stay in formation they are always being told. Got to keep up appearances. Got to look plaguey.